


Formation Processes

by LadyZephyr



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: AU, F/F, archeology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-03-13 03:56:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 107,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3366869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyZephyr/pseuds/LadyZephyr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. 1979. When Cosima signs on to TA for her least favourite prof for the summer, it's for the chance to do archeology in Italy and make a few bucks. When French paleopathologist Dr. Villeneuve is unexpectedly replaced by his student, Delphine, both young women find a lot more than they were looking for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Although the archeology portrated in this fic is realistic, the site does not truly exist and is based on several different Etruscan sites. 
> 
> All errors are my own, I have never worked on an old world archeological site.

**A few hours west of Rome, Italy, 1979.**

The cool morning did nothing to hide the amount of work that still needed to be done, Cosima was sweating by the time she'd hiked across the field from the campsite to where they were excavating, a group of eight half-asleep, half-giddy students in tow. Camping on site, they toted their belongings and lunches with them. Flashlights in hand, hauling their gear. Through the fields and down through the excavation site, down into the dark of the half-excavated complex.

They make their way slowly back to the funeral chamber they'd spent the last week unearthing and settle down to work. Unwilling to wait for the prof, Cosima begins. A few other chambers had been excavated earlier by the French team, most of whom departed the site before they'd arrived. She switched on the electric lamps, adding light to the smallish darkened space in the tomb. There were no longer stakes marking the location of their squares - but they knew where they were supposed to be working.

Cosima walks around circling the small groups of students kneeling around their assigned areas, "OK guys, just take it really easy - it's possible we are getting pretty close to the burials. I don't want to see any skulls getting like smashed in by trowels." Slight laughter follows the phrase, but she knows they're paying attention. "Yeah. Graves. We know." Jason shoots back.

"A whole necropolis of tombs," Cosima corrects, "Probably family tombs from what we've seen so far. The French team found six individuals in the other chamber - and this one is bigger. Be careful."

"I wish we were digging at Ostia Antica." Karen groans, "Frescos, Roman archeology..."

"Public lavatories." Cosima supplies with a tilt of her head. Though she's never worked at Ostia Antica, she's read papers and poured over a small collection of photos. She'll go one weekend, she tells herself. When these 'kids' need less supervision, when damn Leekie will let her go...

"You just want to be closer to Rome." Jamie teases her back, pale bangs falling into her face as she leans forward, skin already tanned by the sun.

"Hey! We are close to Rome. Plus, Bronze age? Prehistory?" Cosima gestures more than she talks, her students obviously used to her unusual approach. She'd been their TA for the last 2 weeks of excavations. "This is amazing stuff, anyways remember save all sediment for screening in the buckets - we might get lucky."

She observes as her students slowly scrape levels of sediment with their trowels, using their brushes to gather it into dustpans and dump it unceremoniously into buckets. Archeology is slow, methodical or it's supposed to be. Cosima leans over Greg's shoulder observing his quick pace, the large amount of sediment he has already cleared from his probable grave.  
"What?" He looks up at Cosima in frustration.

Cosima warns him,"Slow down a bit. Seriously? If you damage the skeletons there will be hell to pay. Dr. Leekie won't be happy. Dr. Villeneuve will have your hide."

"I can't understand a word Dr. Villeneuve says." A voice from behind her teases. Which one was it? Cosima has learnt their names, but is unsure for a moment who is trying to out-sass her.

"Yeah well - paleopathologist - way better at studying these bones than we are. And we share the site with the French team, or we did... You can't tell a healed fracture from Paget's disease." A few students snicker, others look at her stunned, trying to remember if they've ever heard of Paget's disease before.

"What if Dr. Leekie is wrong? What if it's not Etruscan?"

"We'll see what we find." Cosima shrugs, "Get to work, move over Rob, I'm digging here too." It's Scott who finally shifts with a smile to let her take her place and begin work. It's going to be a long day.

They're sweating horribly before noon, downing water as quickly as they can, "Okay, let's take lunch." Cosima announces, the group wearily following her out to the open field. They sit and eat, a few different conversations being had - but nothing extraordinary, or even relevant to the dig.

It's unusual, Cosima decides. Dr. Leekie is typically here supervising them before this - the area he's set aside for his own excavating remains untouched. They return to the dig, re-energized for the long hours of scraping back sediment.

When Dr. Leekie finally reappears, it's not with Dr. Villeneuve, instead Cosima finds herself staring at a lithe young woman with dyed blonde curls pulled back in a messy ponytail. Her trowel slips from her hand, and she cannot stop staring at the blonde, who is staring back at her just as distractedly as Dr. Leekie mutters to her. She's not even listening to what he's saying, or what her students are saying until Rob starts poking her arm drawing her attention back to reality.

"Cosima, I think I've found something." Scott fills in, waving a hand in an attempt to regain her attention. But Cosima is lost, lost in hazel eyes staring back at hers, at an impossibly familiar face with regarding her with a similar look of confusion. She takes note of the men's button up shirt, the long cream coloured linen pants, the wide brimmed hat clutched in the blonde's left hand. She's standing up and walking away from the dig before she realizes what she's doing.

"Cosima? Cosima?" She vaguely notices Scott repeating her name as she walks towards Dr. Leekie and the young woman she finds it difficult to keep her eyes off of.

Leekie addresses her, "Ah, Cosima, Dr. Villeneuve had to leave us temporarily, here is his master's student, she'll be replacing him until further notice. Probably the rest of our dig."

"Delphine Cormier." The young woman fills in her own name, extending a hand for Cosima to shake.

"Cosima." She responds, wiping her sweaty hand off on her oversized button up to meet Delphine's own. She doesn't quite want to let go of Delphine's hand, but doesn't want to draw too much attention.

"So we'll see how our Etruscan warrior king's burial works out. Now at least we have another set of hands."

"You want to push your theory?" Cosima addresses Dr. Leekie, "That's fine, but show - don't tell. Where's the proof? We haven't found any yet."

"We're in the necropolis." Leekie waves his hands around, "There has to be a reason for it. I know, you subscribe to processual archeology, you've told me about it."

"It looks like family tombs." Cosima shrugs, "Beyond that? Hard to say. Show, don't tell."

"Yet." Leekie reaffirms, "Cosima would you help get Delphine comfortable? Introduce her around?"

"Sure." Cosima answers, happily waving for Delphine to follow her.

"Have you worked on other digs in Europe?" Delphine addresses her once she's made the few steps over to where the students are working. Her eyes regard her with a strange curiosity, and something bridging on... awe.

"Nope. This is my first old world dig." Cosima grins, looking over Delphine again, she can't stop smiling, she doesn't know how to stop the strange lightness she feels. "And we have 8 undergraduate students with us - there are other teams, coming in and out, working in other areas... were you here earlier with the French team?"

"Cosima. I've definitely found something." Scott's voice is suddenly clear once again.  
Yellowed bone peeks out from soil, what looks like skull. Suture lines clearly visible on the front.

"It's a skull." Delphine smiles confirming, glancing over at Cosima who's grinning back.

"Yup. Definitely found something. Scotty, take and nice and easy though, get your brush."

"Looks like we've found the burials." Dr. Leekie nods his head, "Alright Scott I want you to stay here, keep excavating - Cosima and Delphine will join you - least until we find another burial.

Delphine drops to her knees next to the burial near instantly, pulling out her own trowel and brush. Cosima takes a moment to look around - if this is the first burial where are the others? The far wall? Would they be feet to feet? Parallel? Supine or prone? What would the grave goods look like? Not Roman certainly... but...

Other students stand up and crane over her to have a look, a mix of jealousy and curiosity. Before Leekie shoos them back to their areas, they know this room is too large to contain just one.

"Is that a fracture?" Leekie leans over Delphine's shoulder, his hand ghosting along the slight opening in the exposed bone. "Have we found our warrior?" He looks over to Cosima, who cannot resist the urge to roll her eyes. Not at his words, or the unveiled interest in Delphine, she notices miserably. Old pervert, Cosima thinks to herself, he's got to be in his 50s.

"Might be," Delphine begins gently, "It looks more like a metopic suture that never fully fused. Rare - but not a fracture." Delphine looks considering, "I won't know for sure until we finish excavating the burial."

"Good. Happy to have you on, especially after my second TA bailed on us. Week before field school and he decides he just won't go."

Leekie doesn't know, Cosima confirms, not why. Not about her. Not about any of it. And it has to stay that way. She knows about Leekie. Happily he's never hit on her, or cared for her much at all apart from her work. She'd gotten this job on the recommendation of her thesis supervisor - a colleague of Leekie's who knows too well why Leekie has trouble hanging on to his TAs... And it's not like she's not out... but... she needs this job. Needs this experience for her master's degree starting this fall... She can't risk it, though she's sure most of the students know.

Even when Delphine stops working for a moment, glancing up at her, she holds to it. Not here, not now.

"Cosima?"

Cosima turns to her own name, in Delphine's gorgeous accent, fuck. She feels herself swoon slightly, pushing it back down she responds, "Yes?"  
"Aren't you going to join us?" Delphine shifts over to make more room.

"Yeah. Of course." Cosima smiles, picking up her trowel, "Let's see how much of the rest of this guy we can unearth."


	2. Chapter 2

They spend the rest of the day slowly excavating, the burial still mostly covered in sediment when the decision is made to pack in for the day. Other bones now peeping shyly through the sediment. A sort of nervous energy encompasses Delphine. It goes beyond having to function in her second language for entire weeks, beyond the poorly concealed lustful glances of Aldous Leekie in her direction, beyond the dig she’s thrilled to have been asked to be a part of. It’s...Cosima. She finds herself turning her head in the brunette’s direction for the hundredth time this afternoon.

Delphine cannot help herself from watching Cosima, steady hands excavating delicately around the burial, calm voice advising her students to slow down, or give advice.

“Is this a piece of pottery? Or is this a rock?” Jamie holds up a small brown fragment from the next square over.  
 Cosima pauses before standing up, walking calmly over to her student. She picks up the fragment in her fingers, moving to use the natural light to get a better look at it. “Definitely pottery sherd - bag and tag.” Cosima nods at Jamie, “It’s probably the first of many.”

Jamie smiles, and returns to her own work.

“Cosima?” Delphine finds herself asking softly, but the other woman doesn’t hear her, over Aldous who has decided to call them in for the day.

“Alright, pack it in. Whoever is on dinner duty better hustle back to the site.” Leekie pauses, “I’m going to take a good look at our skeleton, I’ll be back shortly.”

The students stand, stretching slightly, stepping out into the cooler air. Cosima pauses by Delphine, who reluctantly packs away her equipment.

“Is it a fracture?” Cosima gestures back towards the burial. The orbits have been revealed partially, giving a strange impression that their burial is looking back at them. She’s so... familiar. Surely they must have met before? Delphine tries to think of when that might have been. But she knows too well, they haven’t, she already certain that she wouldn’t have forgotten meeting Cosima.

Delphine gives her a look and shakes her head briefly before changing the subject, “Are you sure you haven’t worked on digs here? Ostia Antic? I did one in the Middle East last year as well?”

 

“No, I’ve only done new world digs. Besides, I think I would remember meeting you,” Cosima grins back.

“Are you on dinner duty?” Delphine asks, ducking out into the remaining daylight.

“Yeah, with Jamie and Scott. So like, where are you from?” Cosima turns to face her, hands gesturing out as they walk.

“Paris.” Delphine answers with a smile.

“Oooh. Nice!” Cosima grins, “I’m from San Francisco. At Berkley.”

“What are you studying... well in specific other than archeology?”

“Well, graduate work is going to be mortuary archeology - it’s why I’m on this dig. My supervisor lent me out to Leekie for the summer.” Cosima makes a face, “Still, it’s good experience.”

She wants to ask why the face, why any of it, instead she says, “I just started my Master’s in April. This dig will be part of my fieldwork as well.”   “Really?” Cosima perks up.

“Paleopathology.” Delphine says carefully, searching her brain for the correct English translation, Cosima’s smile assures her that she’s been successful.

“Oh cool! So you’re more interested if our burials turn out to be sick. Or died of something interesting.”

Delphine laughs, “I enjoy archeology as well. I just focus on skeletal remains.” 

  
“Fair enough.” Cosima grins, “Come on - I’ll introduce you to the gang before dinner.”

There’s more she wants to say, ask if Cosima’s head is spinning too, but instead she giddily hikes back to the campsite.

It looked much the same as it had this morning, a smattering of tents, a dining shelter used as a lab tent, an actual dining shelter for the storing of propane stoves and cooking gear. The outhouse was off to the side, constructed by another team last summer. The showers were outdoors, constructed several months ago - loose tarps used for privacy. A few spigots as their source of drinking water. Though, the site was only a few kilometres from the nearest village and several hours away from Rome. Several trucks and cars were parked a short distance away, storing food and other supplies. Leekie’s van was among them - he had gone to get her earlier this morning before bringing her back to the site. He had been full of questions about her research, her thoughts on the dig, her familiarity with Etruscan archeology. It was easy enough to answer him, more difficult to ignore the way he was looking at her.

At first, she’d been hesitant, not about the accommodations, but of working in English for a month. Though, as she looked around now, Delphine did not miss the relative comfort of the lab, or her apartment in Paris. This was better.  
 “Definitely roughing it, right?” Cosima lets her shoulder bump hers on her way to the dining tent. Scott had already begun the set-up of the propane stove. Jamie was hauling one of the coolers over from the van.

“Yes.” Delphine smiles and laughs, “I set up my tent this morning.” She notes Cosima looking at the new small tent that had been pitched in the cluster of student tents.

“Least you missed the building of the outhouse.” Cosima laughs jerking her thumb towards it. That was likely months ago, Delphine muses.

“And the shower.” Scott adds. “That was interesting work.”  “Hey!” Jamie slaps his shoulder playfully, “Are you insulting our desire for modesty?” 

  
“No...” Cosima teases, “He’s just doubting it.”

  
 Scott blushes, Delphine giggles nervously and Jamie howls with laughter.

“I’m Jamie.” She introduces herself to Delphine, she points out the other students quickly, “Scott, Rob, Karen, Kevin, Lisa, Michelle, Greg.”

Most of the students work on their field journals nearby, writing down a brief summary of their day. Scott digs in the cooler, dinner prep has begun and she should really leave them to it.

“Delphine.” She introduces herself extending her hand. Jamie briefly clasps it before bending down to rummage through the cooler again.

  
“So you’re a student or...?” Scott jumps in with his own questions.  “

She’s the replacement TA.” Cosima’s figured that much out, “Plus skeletal expert, really a good idea to have one of those, especially with Leekie.”

“What? Why?” Scott asks.

“He’s the prof.” Lisa shouts over, balancing her field journal on her knees.

“Because Leekie makes assumptions, this whole ‘warrior king’ thing and we don’t have any proof. Until Delphine gets a good look at our burial we won’t know male or female, or cause of death or anything... Even then -” Cosima seems poised to head into a longer rant when she’s interrupted.

“Looks like there’s a weapon with the burial. Warrior. Male.” Leekie’s voice comes from behind her.

A few students mutter between themselves. A few crowd around the fire pit, Greg? Or is it Rob moving to light the fire.  
 “Why does weapon mean male?” Cosima raises herself up from emptying a package of ground meat into a large iron skillet.

Leekie simply shakes his head, “Get back to dinner and your field journals. We’ll finish excavating the burial in the next few days. And Delphine and I will confirm the sex of the burial.”   
Delphine nods, this is her job, she’s the one who has spent the last couple years fully engrossed in bioarcheology, in paleopathology... this is why Dr. Villeneuve chose to send a student, Delphine who spoke English fluently was the most logical choice.

Dinner is quiet, Cosima eats with little trace of the highly animated young woman she’d been just hours earlier.

“What’s wrong?” Delphine asks, making a point of sitting down beside her.

“Just... I think we should look at the proofs, the facts of the site before coming up with these elaborate theories. I mean a weapon, it’s a grave good, right?”

“In this case, yes. Likely wielded by the individual in life.” Delphine agrees with a nod, and a quick smile.

Cosima continues, “And, despite whatever cultural biases we bring to this dig, there is nothing inherently gendered about a spear. That’s just ‘man-the-hunter’ nonsense. I mean you cannot ignore half the population and pretend that all women did throughout prehistory was provide sex and pop out babies.” The brunette makes another face and rolls her eyes in Leekie’s direction.

“C’est vrai.” Delphine responds gently, liking this American more and more by the minute. She gently touches her hand to Cosima’s shoulder with a smile. “The burial could be female, I won’t know until we’re done excavating. I need to see the entire skull and the pelvic bones.”

“I mean, if the skeletal evidence proves me wrong, fine. But why make an assumption without some kind of proof?”

“I agree, Cosima, and I will determine sex based on skeletal markers. Not grave goods.” Delphine assures her new friend.

“No matter what the old perve asks you to do?” Cosima tilts her head towards Leekie, voice quiet enough that only Delphine can hear her.

Delphine simply smiles and adds in a hushed whisper, “Does he flirt with all the female students?” Is it just her? Is this simply Leekie’s ...thing?

“Some of them. Mostly his TAs. Graduate students usually. Except me. I annoy him too much with my desire for fact-based theories and post-processual archeology. Might be the feminist thing too.” Cosima considers this, hands gesturing along emphatically.

“So I should just be more of an open feminist?” Delphine laughs again, easily, smiling back at Cosima. “Have you heard of the Venus of Willendorf? Venus figurines?”

“Yeah. They call it a sex thing, right?” Cosima’s eyes roll again. “Some ideal of female beauty in the paleolithic? I think I heard a ‘lucky charm’ for men hunting theory as well...”

Delphine continues enthusiastically, pleased at Cosima’s knowledge, “Or a deity, a goddess figurine. But there is another theory, Cosima. You remember what they look like?”

“Yeah, of course. I think I kind of prefer the goddess interpretation,” Cosima nods unsure of where the conversation is going, “No face, giant breasts and belly, no arms, big thighs, and tiny feet.”

“Yes. Stand up and look down.” Delphine urges her, “It’s easier if you are naked but this will work well enough for now.”   
“What!?” Cosima starts for a moment, and Delphine is unsure if it is her words or if she’s gotten too familiar for this all too familiar stranger. Her unexpected delight at being around Cosima falters slightly for a moment.

“Just try it.” Delphine repeats in a quieter voice. Wanting to share this with Cosima, with whom, it seemed, she already had so much in common.

Cosima stands reluctantly, and looks down. Eyes on the grasses beneath her feet and her boots.

“Look down at your own body.” Delphine insists, standing up and demonstrating with the same posture. “What do you see?”

“Well my breasts do look bigger from this angle, belly, big thighs, tiny feet...” Cosima trails off and Delphine can practically hear her thinking, “Female artists. The exaggeration of traits is perspective. They’re looking down.” Cosima says finally, the ghost of a smile making it’s way across her face with ease.   

“Yes. The theory is that they were to document body changes during pregnancy, or simply female artists rendering of their own bodies looking down.” Delphine elaborates, “I love that theory.”

“That is wicked. Completely wicked.” Cosima’s grinning again now, “Where did you read this?”

Delphine beams back easily, too easily, “It is just a theory, there is no proof.”

“Still, it resonates.” Cosima sits back down nodding, “Though, my art is photography.”

  “Really?” Delphine perks up at this.

“Yeah. Just a hobby. But I brought my camera with me, and like extra film. I mean, I’m in Italy.” 

  
“It is beautiful,” Delphine looks around, she makes a mental note to see more of Rome on one of the weekends, preferably in Cosima’s company.

“I think some of the students are going to Rome for the weekend, you want to come along?” Cosima invites her readily with a smile.

“Where are we staying?” Delphine asks, “Are we going to run around the city taking pictures?”  

“Hotels. It was booked a couple days ago. And maybe. You’ll have to stay with me though, I’m the only one who’s still has a room to herself.” Cosima apologizes.

“That’s fine.” Delphine’s smiling and shaking her head, “It will be fun.” 

  
“It will be,” Cosima grins again, “We’ve got a disco trip planned for the first night.”

Jamie interrupts them, “Hey, Cosima, are you going to make us do all the clean-up by ourselves?”

“Oh shit. No...sorry. I’m late again...” Cosima jumps up, “Continue this later?” She offers Delphine.

“Yes.” Delphine smiles back as Cosima grabs her camp dish and cutlery and heads towards the washing station with Scott and Jamie.

“Delphine?” Aldous pokes his head out of the lab tent, “If you’re not too busy would you mind having a look at something with me?”

“Of course.” Delphine answers, this is what she is being paid for. TAing, research. She follows Aldous into the tent.

She listens to him, but cannot stop herself from looking around. There are artifacts being stored in plastic containers, all in marked paper bags displaying the square location and details of where they were found. Two tables, one clear, the other littered with maps and books, one of which is open. Two oil lamps illuminating the table for what looks to be a planned late night researching session.

“Does the burial appear Etruscan to you?” Leekie’s weathered hands tap the open pages of a book on Etruscan archeology.

She spends the next two hours trapped in the lab tent answering Aldous’ questions. About her research, her knowledge of prehistoric Italy, her bachelor’s degree, everything. By the time she escapes there’s a fire dying down in the fire pit and half of the students have gone to bed. The lamps still illuminate the lab tent as Aldous continues whatever he was doing without her.  
 Others sit around the fire pit, laughing or smoking. Though, from the smell Delphine knows instantly that is not just a cigarette in Lisa’s hand.

“Hey, you wanna join...umm what’s her name, Delphine?” One of the students shouts at her.

“Where’s Cosima?” She asks, not seeing her in the small crowd. Karen, Lisa and Greg pass the joint between the three of them, seeming totally unbothered with anything.

“She went to bed.” Karen answers her with a shrug.

“I’m tired too.” Delphine answers, and it’s true. Her day of travel and excavation has completely worn her out. She cleans up as best she can, wiping herself down with a damp cloth and brushing her teeth before climbing back into her tent. Once clad in pyjamas, she crawls into her sleeping bag, an undeniable smile on her face and falls asleep nearly instantly.

_She’s in a dark room, or some sort of confined space, and she’s ...being kissed. Perfectly kissed. Her hands grasp soft hips, feeling them rock gently down into her own body. She looks up into Cosima’s face, hair loose from its braids, eyes soft and looking down at her. Cosima moves down her body, hands going to grip the waistband of her pants, work the button and zipper to remove the garment. She pulls her back up to her by the shoulders, touching her face gently before flipping them over. Careful not to fall off the backseat of the van. Cosima looks up at her in surprise before reclaiming her lips again. A surge of arousal rushes through her body at having Cosima beneath her, and her own hands begin to move..._

When she wakes, confusing images fill her head. Cosima’s beautifully contagious grin, her hands, two soft bodies pressing up against each other, kissing, the backseat of a van. Delphine shakes her head to clear it. Her aroused body does little to alleviate her confusion. She’d been dreaming of...Cosima? Flushed, she unzips her sleeping bag, allowing her body to cool. It’s still dark outside, Delphine realizes, looking for her alarm clock, trying to find the time.

She breathes heavily, it’s still early. Staring up at the ceiling of her tent, she tries to make sense of it. Cosima. Delphine shakes her head, no it cannot be... It can’t. Her body insists otherwise. Merde.


	3. Chapter 3

Cosima wakes to the sound of low moans coming from another tent. Rolling her eyes, she begins to dress - no sense staying in bed when she can already tell that the sun is rising, and she’s still on food duty. She was dreaming...something? It’s a jumble of incoherent images. Delphine, she lets herself think with a smile... Delphine.

She glances around at the tents, it’s Michelle and Kevin - there’s no doubt about it, there’s no other couple on site. Smirking, she begins setting up the propane stove and throwing on a pot of water for porridge. Scott joins her, wiping his eyes and she puts him to work making coffee before Jamie arrives, and they haul the coolers out.

The students eventually stumble out of bed, and eating quickly, pack themselves lunches to take to site. Leekie appears, and immediately helps himself to a cup of coffee before stepping into his lab tent for whatever passes as privacy on an archeological dig.

“So you think we’ll finish the burial today?” Scott asks excitedly as he finishes his long awaited cup of coffee.

“Probably not, we need to take it really slow - probably not til the end of the week.” Cosima tells him gently, though she teases Scott, he’s probably her favourite student. Not that she’ll ever tell him that.

“Is Delphine digging with us again?”  “No clue. All I know is we get to do laundry this afternoon.” Cosima shrugs.

Jamie butts in, “Least with laundry you get to go to Leekie’s rented house in the village.”  

“Yeah just where I want to be.” Cosima jokes back, “Hot water shower might be nice though - if he’s not there...”

  “Ooh yeah.” Jamie agrees, “Maybe he’ll be too busy? Still a nice place to crash on the weekends.” She turns to look at Delphine, who blushes rapidly on seeing them and returns to helping herself to a hot breakfast.

“Morning,” Cosima greets Delphine who manages a brief smile. It’s odd, after the amazing chemistry they’d had yesterday.

Delphine echoes her greeting, “Morning.”

It doesn’t seem right somehow, last night things had been so effortless between them. Was it just her? Cosima wonders, is Delphine a lesbian too? Does she feel this? Can this be one way? Can you feel this sort of magnetism with only one magnet?

“So, what other theories do you want to share?” Cosima sits down across from her, her own breakfast already finished.

“I... I’m sorry, I’m not really awake yet.” Delphine apologizes.

“Oh yeah. Totally, there’s tea and coffee - help yourself.” Cosima encourages gently. After considering she adds, “If it’s Leekie, don’t worry about it. He won’t like force you... just flirt at you and be disappointed if you say no. Some of his students go for it.” Cosima shrugs, assuming that this will alleviate whatever worry has popped up for Delphine. 

  
“He is quite well connected.” Delphine responds playfully, teasing her.

“Oh gross. Don’t tell me you’re considering it.” Cosima plays back, things seem to be okay between them after all.

“No.” Delphine shakes her head, “I just had a very strange dream.”  

Cosima shakes her head and sticks out her tongue briefly, “Oh god...if it’s Leekie please don’t elaborate...”

“Non.” Delphine shakes her head emphatically. “Not Leekie.” The blonde giggles slightly.

“Oh good, you scared me for a minute there.” Cosima jokes, “Come on, we’ll get you some tea or coffee.”

When they get to their burial, it is still buried partially in sediment, what looks like a spear to the side, they settle to excavate, slowly removing levels of sediment a few centimetres at a time. Instead of Scott and Greg, now Michelle and Jamie work on the burial with a grins on their faces. The first half-hour they are instructed by a cautious Cosima to slow down or risk damaging the bones. She circulates among her students, offering more advice, but they are becoming more and more capable of excavating without her continuous attention.

Things quieter, Cosima breaks, sitting back and watching the excavation.  
 “So,” Cosima begins directing her question to Delphine, “Why paleopathology?”

Delphine grins, pausing in her delicate task of clearing more sediment from the cranium., “How else can you study populations? Their diseases? Or even things like medical advances. Cosima, have you heard of trepanation?”

“Like cutting holes in skulls? Briefly, why?” Cosima’s eager to see what else Delphine has to say.

“Humans have been performing these sorts of surgeries since the Neolithic. It’s incredible. Either it’s medical or ties into some sort of...” Delphine trails off, probably looking for words before she continues, “Cultural or ...religious practice? It could be both. Many of them lived - you can see the healing. Some skulls have multiple occurrences - in different stages of healing at death.”

Leekie interrupts them suddenly, “Did Etruscans practice trepanation?”

“I believe so.” Delphine shoots back without missing a beat, “The practice was very common.”

“I think it’s relevant.” Cosima chimes in, “I mean, we’re discussing comparative ancient medical/spiritual practices.”

  
 “Ah and exactly where is the hole on this skull? Nothing other than that slash at the front.” Leekie shakes his head at the two of them.

“Hey! Dr. Leekie!” Karen shouts from her square, “I think there’s another one here!”

Dr. Leekie hovers around nodding, “Delphine - come and work with Karen and Jamie.”

Delphine reluctantly gets up and moves herself to the second burial, Cosima feels her heart sink slightly.

“Okay, so we have two - let’s keep going until lunch.” Leekie announces happily.

Cosima swallows her disappointment and returns her attention to her burial. It’s crazy... but she’s already nuts about Delphine. Fuck. She wants an excuse, any excuse to be closer to Delphine, but they are each minding the closest two groups of students. Before the days’ end, three burials had been partially uncovered.

  
 “It’s a juvenile.’ She hears Delphine remark about the latest burial.

“Are you sure?” Leekie peered over her shoulder, “Not just a small woman?” 

  
“It’s not an adult.” Delphine reiterates, “And there’s the same suture line - it’s slightly open, unfused just like the first burial.”

“Or matching wound.” Greg pops in, endorsing Dr. Leekie’s theory. Someone always has to be the suck up, Cosima muses, at least it’s not Delphine.

“Hmm... are those frontal sutures genetic? If it stays unfused is that a familial trait?” Leekie addresses Delphine as an equal, for the time being. Cosima wants to walk over and take a look for herself, or at least squeeze herself between them to stop this flirtation.

“Yes.” Delphine nods, “They do tend to run in families, more common in certain ethnic groups as well.” 

  
“Well... father and son perhaps? I doubt matching wounds is likely - but you will investigate all possibilities.” Leekie commands, gently but makes clear that this is in no certain terms what will happen.

“It could be any sort of relative.” Cosima throws in, “You know, the child’s mother, aunt, uncle, grandparent...” She gestures it out.

“True,” Leekie nods, “Are you going to take a look Cosima, or are you just going to hover awkwardly behind me?” 

  
“Right, I should probably...”

“Get back to your burial.” Leekie fills in for her, “Delphine, I’d enjoy more information on these sutures.”

“I could find you some.” Delphine answers readily.

Though Cosima heads back to her own burial, her own students, she keeps looking back at Delphine. She’s looking back, though the blonde looks away, quickly blushing. Cosima grins at the thought, whatever this crazy is, it seems like it’s both of them.

Cosima finds it difficult to keep her eyes off of Delphine, she’s constantly losing track of what she’s doing. Instead watching Delphine delicately excavate the juvenile burial with Dr. Leekie.

“Ah this will be something to tell my boyfriend back home,” Karen brags, “He didn’t understand why I was going on a dig for five weeks.”

“They never do.” Delphine answers without looking up.

Karen nods at her, “You too, huh?”

“My boyfriend and I just broke up, again.” Delphine smiles sheepishly.

Cosima feels her heart sinking. Boyfriend. Not the word she wanted to hear. She redirects her attention to the burials, the archeology, the science. It’s safer that way.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is ridiculously long. Apologies for the perspective switches... I'll try to keep my 1 perspective a chapter rule after this... :S

_She finds herself running down a cobblestoned street towards a gated home, scaling the wall quickly, she lands unharmed in the garden moving towards the back door of the house. Sneaking in, she pauses watching a large woman move from the kitchen into the next room. She cannot be seen, must not be seen. This is well practiced, navigating with the ease of one who knows the route well._

  
_But she is waiting, on the back stairs. So obviously Cosima, even if the face is not quite the same. It’s easy, she knows her, would know her anywhere. Cosima’s hair falling down around her face in dark curls and only a thin cotton nightgown covering her skin. She extends her hands and guides her up the stairs. They kiss, tussling with clothing, heads spinning she finds herself on her back, her young lover climbing atop impatiently, hiking up her white cotton nightgown to slide down on... his length. Blissfully engulfed, his hands sliding against soft thighs, reaching to grip gently moving hips. He sits up leaning in to trail kisses across her neck. She rides him, moaning softly, until..._

  
Delphine wakes in a sweat in her sleeping bag, throbbing and mind spinning. She’s wetter than she can recall being in a long time, her heart still pounding from the confusing dream. Cosima. Again. Twice in a matter of days. But this dream, Delphine could not be more unsure of what to make of it. She sits up, unzipping her sleeping bag to sit cross-legged. She’s never... dreamed like that before. Of being someone else. Some other time. That is certainly not something she wants, and yet... her body reacts to this... impossible dream. Is this hormonal? Another side effect of coming off the pill? She was already aware that her libido was much higher off of it, but this... this is just bizarre.

 

She’s on breakfast crew this morning, she begins the work silently and alone - unconcerned with when the students will join her. She throws the porridge on the stove, boils water for coffee and tea, and is about to begin setting out the ingredients for the lunch station when Greg and Michelle join her, quickly telling her to sit down and eat something.

Dr. Leekie wakes early, but he doesn’t speak, simply sits next to his lab tent smoking a cigarette in the early light.

“Do you want one?” He offers, holding out the pack to Delphine.

She’s been trying to quit off and on, but having something to do besides speak is too tempting and she tentatively accepts the offered cigarette, even allowing him to light it for her.

“I’ve been thinking about your metopic suture theory...” Dr. Leekie begins, “Have you ever considered moving to The States?” She supposed that this was part of the seduction he’d slowly been priming her for throughout the week.

“No.” Delphine answers quite honestly. She’d be lying if she outright said she wouldn’t ever consider it. A body is just a body after all, and sex is just something that happens. Using it to her own advantage wouldn’t be entirely new, though she already knows she won’t. Not with Leekie, and besides, Cosima wouldn’t like it...

“It’s a shame. I have some connections that could prove quite useful to you, if you ever change your mind.”

She answers simply, “Thank you Dr. Leekie, I will consider it.”

“Aldous.” He corrects her, “So, what is the subject of your dissertation? My PhD dissertation was on comparative lithics - I spent hours flint knapping in my house. Used to do it in bed. That’s experimental archeology for you. I still have the scars...”

She’s not really paying attention to what Aldous, as he trails off on what is obviously a terrible decision, knapping flint in bed, in a strange attempt to create his own recreations of early human weapons.  
 Instead she smokes, letting the nicotine calm her, watching the students ready themselves for the day. Most talk excitedly about leaving for Rome this afternoon. She smiles herself at the though, exhaling smoke from her lungs.

Cosima wakes late, the last to remove herself reluctantly from her cozy sleeping bag and stumble out into the cool morning air, she glances over at them, shaking her head noticeably before eating a small breakfast.

Though conversation between her and Cosima was typically easy and stimulating, a sort of mal à l’aise somehow slipped over them whenever they spoke for too long. She admired Cosima - her quick mind, her wit, her perspective.... and perhaps more than that Delphine admits to herself, flushing once again. Less than a month ago she’d been in bed with Rémy, he’d been her lover off and on for nearly a year. The sex had been the easiest part of a rocky relationship. She’d enjoyed it. She cannot possibly be sexually interested in Cosima, she is not a homosexual. Delphine’s rational mind asserts. But then again...

Leekie’s voice interrupts her thoughts, “And if you don’t have plans, you’re welcome to take up the second bedroom in my rented house -”   
Realizing she must response quickly, Delphine answers, “I have plans, I am going to Rome with the rest of the group.”

Aldous hesitates, lighting a second cigarette, “So you’ll be rooming with Cosima then.” He nods, thinking something she cannot quite place. Does he see it? The way she looks at Cosima? The immutable lightness she feels just being around her. And sometimes... it’s ridiculously easy.

Half the group has now moved to prepping the second chamber for excavation with Dr. Leekie and Cosima, she remains here with the other four students, sketching out the excavated burials. Few grave goods were found, some pottery, amphoras and the like. A few remnants of gold jewelry, to Leekie’s great disappointed it appeared this chamber had been looted, making him eager to move on to the next. With only a half-day of dig ahead of them, they were all motivated to work quickly.

It’s quiet, Delphine keeps her skeletal reference book with her as she examines the burials one by one. The juvenile first. She checks the bones for fused growth plates - unfused clavicles, femora, she tallies up the bones. She knows already nothing has fused - this child being clearly pre-adolescence, but she follows procedure regardless filling out her form. She makes a note of the persistent metopic suture, pencilling it in on her chart. She peers forward, pleased that the child hasn’t lost teeth post-mortem. This will be easy work.

“So what do we have?” Cosima’s voice rings out from behind her, disturbing her work.

“What are you doing here?” Delphine asks, turning around in delighted surprise.

“Yeah,” Cosima indicates the large padded case around her neck, “Camera, I begged Dr. Leekie to allow me to photograph the three burials.”

“Yes, please do.” Delphine steps back, watching Cosima gesture students or equipment out her way with a wave of her near-constantly moving hands. They seemed to understand what she wanted, and moved themselves and their belongings out of the way. She adjusts the lighting and snaps two pictures of each burial before settling down next to Delphine.

“I can tell it’s a child, but can you tell me why?” Cosima’s inquisitive nature shines through once again, and Delphine is only to happy to indulge her.  
 She smiles back, things seem easy again, “The size, the unfused growth plates, but mainly the teeth. Permanent dentition has begun to replace the deciduous teeth, and the child has their first permanent molars, with the seconds probably ready to break through as well.”

“How old?” Cosima asks.

“Between seven and ten years.” Delphine states decisively, “Though I will be able to get a better look back in the lab.”

“And the others? Can I look at Leekie’s warrior with you?” They move excitedly and resettle next to the first adult burial, now uncovered.

“Of course.” Delphine is aware of what Cosima wants, “It’s an adult, the bones are all fused - but age determination is harder with adults.” She admits shrugging, “For example for a sample that is 30 or 45 - sometimes there’s very little difference. I won’t be able to finish age determination until the lab.”

“Okay, so, what about the sex?” Cosima points at the skeleton’s pelvis, “I mean, my human skeletal biology course was not really... that helpful here. Refresher?”

Delphine examines the pelvis, gingerly picking up the ilia with her hands, careful not to damage the rest of the burial, “Ventral arc, subpubic concavity.” Delphine begins to laugh, turning the left ilium in her hand.

“What is it?” Cosima’s looking at her, wondering what she sees. Delphine checks through her skeletal reference again, comparing the markers of sex that seem so obvious now.

“The pelvis is textbook female.” Delphine giggles again, unable to help herself glancing at the spear again.

Cosima’s eyebrows raise, but she cannot stop smiling either, “Textbook female? So not just female-ish, or indeterminate?”

“Very much a she.” Delphine grins happily squeezing Cosima’s closest hand in her own.

“I know it doesn’t matter, as long as we follow scientific process. But I am like so happy right now.” Cosima’s grinning back at her, “Teach me some more.”

“Alright.” Delphine smiles back happily, thrilled that things are easy again, and she does.

**

They’re called in early, belongings quickly packed before they pile into Leekie’s van and are driven expediently to the closest metro station. The radio blasts an unfamiliar song in Italian, and several students pretend to sing along with large sweeping hand movements.

Leekie rolls his eyes, and seems somewhat relieved to have dropped them off and to be rid of them for the weekend.

“Okay, so the plan is to ride the subway into Rome.” Cosima grins again, “Cheap, effective and then we’ll ...umm someone else will find the hotel. Scott you have the map?”

“Yeah. Got it Cosima.”

“Then we’re good.”

“I can’t wait to get on the dance floor.” Jamie exclaims loudly.

“Soon enough.” Rob nods his head, “Won’t be long now”

“I don’t think I brought anything suited for a disco.” Delphine admits quietly.

“It’s fine - you can borrow something of mine!” Karen volunteers happily, “I can’t wait.”

Cosima’s grinning right along with them, “Neither can I, though we should check in and grab a bite to eat first.”

**    
It’s quite the transformation, Delphine is stunned by the change in Cosima’s appearance when she exits their room’s bathroom. Her long dark hair is loose and wavy, down to the middle of her back. The pants have been replaced by a long colourful maxi skirt, it was all very ... bohemian. It suited the brunette, in an irresistible way.  
 “You ready to go?” Cosima’s voice interrupts her admiration, “Wow, where’d you get that?”

“Yes. I borrowed it from Karen.” Delphine’s own hair is loose, falling in curls. She gestures over her clothes, a borrowed purple jumpsuit. Karen had opted for a tiny skirt, and had been too happy to loan the jumpsuit to Delphine.

“You go to discos a lot?”

Delphine bites her lip before admitting, “No... just eight-tracks in my apartment, mostly.”

Cosima laughs, “It’s gonna be awesome, I promise.”

They’re a colourful bunch of tourists, scouring Rome for a disco, and finding one within an hour. Hitting the bar, the first round of drinks is consumed quickly, except Cosima cannot stand still long enough to drink - quickly getting on the dance floor, and is soon followed by the others. Masses of Romans and tourists jive to the music on the dance floor.

“Come on and dance Delphine!” Cosima shouts over the music, holding out her own hands to her. Cosima’s hands move as fluidly to the music as her hips.

And so... beautiful, Delphine finds herself mesmerized by Cosima, absolutely beautiful. She watches Cosima spin herself in a circle before joining in properly herself. It’s hard to stand still to disco - and even Scott has joined in, despite his clumsiness.

Delphine dances easily, standing up, Rob clumsily trying to dance with her as soon as she walks on to the dance floor. He bucks his hips almost obnoxiously in Delphine’s direction who raises her eyebrows slightly before hesitating.

“Okay, Romeo, I’m cutting in.” Cosima shakes her head, laughing slightly at her own lack of resistance. She pulls Delphine in by the hand, dancing with her. The warmth of Cosima’s hand is stunning, nearly electric and when she meets her eyes for a moment Delphine is convinced that this...whatever it is... must be mutual. Irresistibly her mind offers a theory - la décharge électrique de l’amour? Ça existe? Delphine finds herself wondering in stunned bemusement as they dance for a few blissful minutes. Voices silenced by the loud music.

Delphine’s confused at first by Cosima’s movements, a moment ago her dancing was entirely feminine, but suddenly her small body mimics that of a male dancer, complete with twitching her own hips.

The song changes, dances fluidly moving into the hustle. She laughs and joins in happily, following Cosima for the steps. The evening passes quickly, though sadly too loud to really talk. She drinks instead when she wants the break, men instantly buying her glasses of wine whenever she wanders up to the bar. Cosima’s nearly always looking at her, even when teaching Scott the hustle, though she seems to have wandered off to the bar for the time being.  
 She can’t deny that it’s fun, a nice break from the dig, and when she’s asked to dance, she says yes, quite happily downing the rest of her drink to join the handsome stranger on the dance floor. American, she notes the accent, probably a tourist.

The dance is fine, though after several minutes the stranger’s mouth is on hers as she’s pushed towards a corner, and out of the way of the dancers, away from the lights and the disco ball. It’s alright she supposes, wine dulling her senses, the stranger’s tongue overzealously poking at her tonsils. Though large hands have found her hips, and she can already feel proof of his excitement between them. She knows, her mind as foggy as it is, that this is not want she wants. Not from this stranger. Not even, she admits guiltily, from Rémy.

Delphine finally manages to break away, “I’m sharing a room with a friend.” Delphine explains, gently pushing the young man off of her. She takes deep gulps of oxygen, she’d needed more air than this stranger had been allowing her to inhale. Where was Cosima? A dance was fun, but she wanted to get back to her friend!

He laughs, and she finally hears his voice, “We don’t need a room, babe, just a dark corner like this one.” He reaches to unzip his fly with one hand, the other pressing down on her shoulder. He’s larger than she is, it’s definitely time to go. Even her drunken mind knows that much. Maybe dancing to 8-tracks alone in her room has its advantages after all.

“Ah. Non.” Delphine shakes her head, as she’s about to launch into a longer refusal Cosima shows up.

He catches her accent this time, “Oh, French. Hot.” He smiles at her, hands gripping her arms firmly as she plans her escape.

Cosima quickly pushes her body between the two of them, “Not tonight, buddy.”

“What?” The boy blinks, stunned for a moment, “So this is a two for one deal?”   
“No. Get lost.” Cosima steps forward, trying to make her small frame as imposing as possible. Cosima’s glass is quickly tipped forward spilling beer all over the stranger. His shiny pink paisley shirt stained with beer.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? No one asked you...” He slinks off, eyeing the floor for another target.

“Thank you.” Delphine’s shaken slightly by Cosima’s choice of tactic, it worked, she supposed.

“He may have just, you know, ended up puking on you instead. But then that’s still pretty gross.” Cosima turns to face her, “I figured, strange man, dark corner was a bad thing. But, you know, if that’s really your thing - I’m sure I could go get him back for you...or find another better one...”

“He was very drunk,” Delphine confesses, “I could smell it. Would you have...?”

“Gone off with him? No! Spunk or vomit, vomit or spunk,” Cosima made a show of weighing things out with her hands, “I can’t decide which one is worse.”   
“Spunk?” Delphine repeated slightly confused.

“Semen.” Cosima clarifies, a little sheepishly with a sly grin.

Delphine laughs, “No I don’t... never...” She shakes her head reaching for phrasing, talking about sex in English was just so... unnatural. She doesn’t do that... but how to say that without offending Cosima? Would it offend?

“Never again.” Cosima nods interrupting her awkward speech, making a concession for honesty, “I have a friend who says that’s why you don’t let them finish in your mouth, but um... gross.”

Unsure of how to react, Delphine simply laughs, “Can we go ...somewhere else?” Somewhere else, alone with Cosima, she smiles to herself at the thought.

“Yeah, of course.” Smiling again, Cosima dances her way across the bar, “We should probably go find the others and let them know.”

She finds Karen and Jamie casually drinking beers while sizing up the locals, resting their likely sore feet for a few moments.

“Cosima and I are going to head out and get some air, do you want to come with?” Delphine’s not sure she wants to invite them, but decides to go for it regardless.

Karen looks at her very seriously for a moment, “You’re going to disappear off with Cosima for the rest of the night?”  
 Delphine looks at Karen in disbelief, “Well... yes. What’s wrong with that?”

“What? You don’t know?” Karen cackles madly, seemingly amused by this, “First you agree to share a room and a bed with her. And now this?”  
 “Now what?” Delphine shakes her head, “Cosima is fun, and kind and intelligent.” She cannot believe the flack Cosima is getting from these students of hers, especially with how patient she is with them excavating.  
 “She’s a dyke!” Karen exclaims loudly letting the bottom of her glass clank against the table.

“What?” Delphine repeats glancing over at Cosima who’s waving at her from near the door.

“Everyone knows Cosima is a dyke. She doesn’t hide it. She’s our T.A. and most of us know. The whole damn archeology department knows... more or less. I mean you get your picture taken in the Pride March and... hard to hide that.” Jamie adds in, calmer than her friend.

Her brow furrows as she glances over at Cosima, making her way towards the door. Dyke? Homosexual? When Delphine thought of homosexuals she always thought of men, of sodomy, for some reason. Of course there were female ones, but she’d never spent much time thinking about it at all... until recently. Until her own dreams had become... strange. A stray thought crosses her mind, blocking out everything else for a moment. Cosima is homosexual, her dreams are...possible.

“I mean she’s not dangerous or anything.” Karen adds in, “But... you probably don’t want to go off with her alone... I mean...”  
 “Yeah.” Jamie nods, taking a long swig of her beer, “So want to have a seat? A beer?”

“Non.” Delphine’s shaking her head, it’s a surprise... sort of, but then again...

“You’re still going?” Karen raises an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Delphine answers without thinking, “I’d rather go be sodomized by Cosima than sit here and speak about her cruelly with the two of you.” Drunkenly, she’s aware she’s said things that don’t quite make sense... she really needs some air.

“The fuck?” Jamie looks at Karen in disbelief, “You’re joking right? How drunk are you?”  
 Delphine shrugs and walks towards the exit, the night air, and Cosima.

**

The look on Delphine’s face is obvious once she’s close enough, “Hey, you ready to go?” Cosima asks, reaching to pull the door open for both of them as they leave.

“Yes.”

“What is it?” She knows the answer of course, but waits for Delphine to ask.

“Is it true?” The blonde plays with her own curls nervously. Oh, they’ve told her... or someone has anyways.

“Yes. It’s true.” Cosima nods. “But umm... I prefer lesbian. Dyke is, like, really offensive.”

“Okay. Let’s go.” Delphine nods, grabbing Cosima by the hand and pulls her out into the street. Patios from cafés and restaurants line the street, despite the late hour all the restaurants are nearly full of patrons - eating, laughing and drinking.

“I think I love Rome.” Cosima admits casually.

“It’s beautiful... and tomorrow we get to see more of it... “ Delphine’s distracted, she can tell that much. Just drunk maybe?

Noticing her new friend’s wobbliness, “Hey, how about we get something to eat and you sit for a bit, okay?”

“Oui.” Delphine agrees, and they wander into a nearby café, Cosima tries to work out lira into dollars, until Delphine stops her and simply orders for both of them. It seems, their waiter spoke French, easing the need for either of them to speak Italian.

“This is amazing,” Cosima looks around at the varied patrons, at the parents and grandparent leading their happy children from the gelateria, happily eating gelato, probably on their way home to bed. “I mean look how alive it is, and whole families out together just... stuffing themselves with gelato. Rome is... awesome.”

“I’ve been to Rome before.” Delphine volunteers as Cosima pushes a piece of bread towards her, in hopes having more food in her stomach will stabilize Delphine somewhat.

“With your boyfriend?” Cosima offers, more to remind herself than anything. She cannot forget, despite the way Delphine looks at her, despite the way the blonde’s hand feels in her own, that Delphine is straight. No more straight girls, she’d promised herself, and she intended to keep it.

“No. Not Rémy.” Delphine snorts, “He... had no interest in things like this.”

Cosima shakes her head, “It’s pretty romantic.”

“He didn’t care about romance, or archeology or...” Delphine stops herself with a sigh, “If I date another archeology student he is threatened by me, if I date an older archeologist he treats me like a pet and if I date someone like Rémy... he doesn’t care or understand or even try. C’est fou.” Delphine pauses to take a liberal gulp of water.

“Older archeologists.” Cosima winces, it reminds her of Leekie, of what she forces herself to imagine to turn herself off Delphine.

“Before Rémy... a prof in his late thirties.” Delphine snorts again, “Married...maudit menteur... I found out. Mon premier amoureux.”

“I’m sorry.” Cosima doesn’t quite know what to say, Delphine didn’t seem to be aware she was switching languages, “Better to be alone I guess?”

“Always alone... I am always alone. Even when I was with Rémy.” Delphine begins to laugh drunkenly, and then she sings, “Qu’on est toujours toute seul au monde.”  

“What’s that song?”

“Les uns contre les autres. Starmania.” Delphine grins, “I saw it last month in Paris.”

“Sounds...interesting. What does it mean?”

“Knowing you’re always alone.” Delphine begins, “Disconnected, even with people.”

“You’re not alone now.” Cosima reaches forward, before thinking better of it and pulling back her own hand just as their food arrives.

“No,” Delphine’s smile reaches her eyes, her face flushed from the wine, “I am not alone  
with you. You understand.”

“Du vin?” Vino? You ladies want wine?” Their server asks glancing between the two of them as he places bowls of pasta in front of them.

“Oui! Une bouteille!” Delphine nods enthusiastically at the same time as Cosima responds with emphatic shaking of her head.

“Okay. Wine.” The young man nods and disappears off to fetch them a bottle. Oh well... the food should help anyways.

“Mais au bout du compte, on se rend compte qu'on est toujours tout seul au monde...” Delphine sings again, “I liked Starmania.”

  
 “It’s beautiful Delphine, but...so sad.”

Delphine shrugs, “Thing are sad. The child burial is sad, but fascinating quand même, tu sais? You understand me, Cosima?”

“I think so.” Cosima nods, “I think you need to eat though, especially if we have more wine coming.”

“Yes. Yes. Let’s eat.” Delphine grins picking up her fork.

They reluctantly pay and leave the restaurant, wandering the winding, hilly cobblestoned streets of Rome back towards their hotel.

“I won’t take Rémy back this time.” Delphine states out of the blue, pausing to sit on the edge of a random fountain. “Not again...” She spits on the sidewalk for what Cosima assumes is emphasis.

“That’s good,” Cosima’s own head beginning to spin from the shared bottle of wine, “He’s not good enough for you anyways.”

“It was always, Delphine why do you have to go on dig? Why do you want to spend so much time at the lab? And he grew this stupid mustache...”

Cosima laughs drunkenly in return unable to help herself, “Yeah that’s a lot of guys.”

“Cosima, why don’t you like men? Why ...why are you? Were you always?” Delphine looks at her, flushed, confused and entirely too close for comfort.

“Well, yeah, I always liked women. But.. I did experiment a little which was just gross...” Cosima gags, “But homosexual behaviour exists across the animal kingdom, and history, I mean think of the art we find that has homosexual behaviour depicted on it between humans.”

“Yes,” Delphine nods thinking, her brow furrowing, “But exclusive homosexual behaviour or identity is rare... with animals or in antiquity. It’s the behaviour not an...identity?” the blonde suggests cautiously.

Cosima pauses in her walking, “I had this prof once who told us that whatever a culture deems as normal the vast majority of a population will simply fall in line with it. There’s always a small percentage of deviants though, whatever the norms. Whether that’s obligatory generosity within the group, or sexual mores.”  
 Delphine smiles again, surprisingly, “Then maybe few of us are really exclusively anything.”

“It’s possible.” Cosima nods, “But, identity is valid, I am a lesbian Delphine... men don’t... they’re not...” She tries to find a way to phrase it and falls short. Whether it’s the alcohol still clouding her brain or Delphine’s proximity she cannot be sure. 

  
“No, no, that’s not what I meant.” Delphine squeezes her hand again.

Shit, Cosima gulps down an urge to pull Delphine to her here, in a still living street, in a Roman night. “Tell me about something, anything.”

“I’m happy here.” Delphine sighs, not letting go of her hand, “Why don’t you tell me about your research. Your last dig.”

“It was just a west coast thing.” Cosima shrugs off the question for now, “You going to sing again?”

“Maybe.” Delphine smiles, not releasing Cosima’s hand until they’ve reached their hotel.

**

Once they’re in the hall stumbling, all they can hear is a woman’s loud moaning in the next room.

Cosima giggles louder, “Oh god... it’s Karen or Jamie.” She points at the door next to theirs. She finds herself completely unable to contain her laughter, she doubles over wheezing for air.

“Shh.” Delphine shushes her, drunkly groping in her purse for the room key before trying to unlock the door. In their room the sounds are louder if anything

The woman’s cries echo loudly through the walls, “Aaaah! Aaaaah! Aaa-aahh!”

  
 “I think it’s Jamie.” Cosima says, tilting her head to the side, “Wow... someone’s having a nice night.”

Delphine bursts into drunken laughter again, she changes quickly in her pajamas, not bothering to turn her back, but even drunk, Cosima turns around to change. Offering her privacy. Hearing one of the students in the throes of orgasm just makes them both laugh drunkenly, fumbling around the small bathroom to remove their make-up. They’re both half-undressed but neither cares at the moment.

After a few moments of silence, the moaning begins again accompanied by the dull rhythmic thump of a headboard hitting the wall.    
“Do you think this will go on a while?” Delphine allows her body to flop onto the bed.  “No clue.” Cosima shrugs, washing off the last of her make-up and patting her face dry.

“Cosima, do you wish I wasn’t with you? That you could have taken someone home?”

Cosima tilts her head considering, now clad in a t-shirt and sleeping shorts, “Not really. Delphine, I really like you. I’d rather spend my night dancing with you. Drinking with you. Talking with you.”

“Is it over?” Delphine gestures towards the wall their room shares with Jamie and Karen’s.   

“From the sounds of the thumping? Probably not.” Cosima is right, of course, and the woman begins to cry out again, even louder.

“She’s so loud!” Delphine exclaims flopping into bed, “There is no reason to be that loud.”

“Maybe she’s really into it? I’m sure you’ve created some noise pollution before.” Cosima climbs into the bed herself, back facing her. Delphine finds herself reaching out a hand to to the brunette’s shoulder before she stops herself.

The noises are affecting her in an unexpected way, her body already tight from proximity to Cosima, Delphine sighs shifting again, “No.... I am never that loud...”

“Just don’t like making noise?” Cosima offers as the woman’s noises quiet again briefly before crying out again.

Jamie’s voice is barely muffled, “Oh god, yes! Just like that!”

“Not like that... Are you going to be okay?” Delphine notices her distress, Cosima is suddenly tense and it’s difficult to ignore.

“I’ll be fine.” Cosima assures her, a hand brushing gently against curly blonde hair before pulling away. She’s unable to stop herself from picturing Delphine like that, making those sounds for her. “Fuck, I’ve had too much to drink.” Cosima finishes her thought aloud.

“Me too.” Delphine giggles again, a hand going to hold Cosima’s, feeling incredibly warm and stimulating, she lets her thumb gently stroke Cosima’s wrist.

“Maybe she just likes being loud?” Cosima suggests as a few more cries punctuate their conversation. Eager to distract from the gentle torture being carried out on her own body.

Delphine pauses, listening to the woman’s noises quiet again, now joined by the low mumbling of a male voice, “Did she... again?”

“Sounds like she came three times,” Cosima turns around next to her, “For a random hook-up? Impressive. Three-orgasm man is certainly going to make it hard for others to compete. Unless she’s like found herself a Roman boyfriend, it would explain why her field journal is such a mess...”  “Three?” Delphine blinks again, momentarily releasing Cosima’s hand, “Three?!”

“Oh... Delphine.” Cosima shakes her head laughing, “What am I going to do with you?”

“What do you want to do with me?” Delphine answers, her sleepy brain and alcohol lowering her inhibitions. Yes, a smaller part of her mind insists, wanting Cosima to want her, to feel the fire she cannot control in her body at Cosima’s touch - no matter how brief or gentle.

“Please tell me you didn’t just say that.” Cosima groans into her pillow. “Go to sleep, Delphine. I like you too much to be having this conversation.”

Delphine props herself up on her hands instead, leaning over Cosima, “I like you too, Cosima.” She says softly.

“You’re drunk. You like everyone right now. Go to sleep.”

She tries to sleep, they both do, but within minutes there’s a rapping at the door, growing more insistent until Cosima presses herself up out of bed to answer it.

“Yes?” Cosima calls first, not opening the door.

“It’s Karen... I can’t get into my room. I can’t crash with Scott - Greg will probably show up again soon.”

She unlatches the bolt, “So you want to crash in here with Delphine and I?” Cosima cocks her head, more in surprise than anything else, Delphine surmises.

“No... but... I don’t have a choice.” Karen rolls her eyes, and the door opens,.

“Okay, climb in.” Cosima shrugs, “It’ll be a tight fit with three of us though.”

Delphine’s brow furrows in annoyance, this is not what she wants, she wants to be alone with Cosima. Not ... this. How can she even try to broach the attraction she feels with Karen in the room? Never mind the bed...

“I don’t want to sleep next to you.” Karen addresses Cosima, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“Here. I will sleep in between you.” Delphine throws herself in the middle of the bed, “Now, get some sleep - as I think your room is still occupied.”

“Fine, just don’t like touch me.” Karen emphasizes, crawling in on the other side of Delphine. 

  
Cosima snorts, “Don’t want to.”  
 Karen’s presence kills any desire for conversation and it’s harder to sleep than she thought, on her side between Karen and Cosima Eventually, they sleep, but whenever she wakes during the night she scoots closer to Cosima, the brunette smells like wine and sweat... but it’s strangely inoffensive, Delphine muses. She longs to curl her body around Cosima’s, but instead closes her eyes and wills her body into unconsciousness once again.


	5. Chapter 5

_Lips kiss along the skin of her shoulder. Dark eyes look back at her own as she watches the brunette flop back against the mattress. Strong hands grip her, she’s almost surprised by Cosima’s strength as she hauls her in._

_“Touch me.” Cosima whines, pressing her hands against her body, “I want you to touch me, Delphine.”_

_Her hands react before anything else, stroking at Cosima’s face and hair, running the length of her small firm body._   
_The dream shifts, she moves on top of Cosima, writhing with her._

Disoriented she blinks several times, was that a dream? Unsure if she’s awake or asleep, she leans forward, laying a kiss between Cosima’s neck and shoulder, she feels Cosima groan sleepily back at her. Her tongue flicks out and she tastes Cosima’s skin with low hum in her throat. Grey light has seeped into the room, in another hour the sun will be up.

This is real, Delphine realizes guiltily, reluctantly removing her mouth from sweet skin. She hovers close, taking stock of the reality of the morning, inhaling deeply savouring Cosima’s scent. She’s still trapped between Cosima and Karen, without much room to herself. Karen sleeps behind her, her steady low breathing assuring Delphine that Karen, at least, is still asleep.

“Is this real?” Cosima groans softly, arching back against her, offering more of her neck for the taking. Delphine surges forward again, wanting.

She moans softly, kissing Cosima’s neck again sleepily, hips rocking forward against Cosima’s ass. It draws another sleepy moan from her lips.

“Shit, she’s not awake.” Cosima mutters under breath. The brunette is still for a moment or two, lunges out of bed and away from Delphine. Cosima doesn’t even stop to look back at her shocked expression, simply walks into the washroom and closes the door behind her.

“Non...” Delphine breathes softly, glancing towards the door, tempted to follow.

 

**

 

  
Cosima tries to catch her breath, pacing the small washroom. She stops to splash some water in her face. A hand flies to the side of her neck, still wet with Delphine’s saliva. This was not how she expected to wake up this morning, heck she’d been betting on waking up to the sounds of Delphine puking her guts up... But the blonde had been kissing her, Cosima closes her eyes, letting a small rush of arousal shudder through her again at the memory.

“Holy shit.” Cosima breathes looking in the mirror, her hair is a mess, her head is pounding from all the wine. At least she’s not still drunk, she assumes Delphine must be. “Holy shit.” She repeats to herself. Did Delphine even have any idea how hard she was to resist? Any clue what she was doing? Was this attraction? Curiosity? Drunkenness? Delphine had found her familiar... there was a draw there - but it couldn’t be completely mutual, Cosima reasons, it’s already far too strange.

“No more straight girls,” Cosima whispers to herself, “Never again.”

A soft knocking comes from the other side of the door, “Cosima? I’m sorry... are you alright?”

She’s not sure how to answer or what to answer, so she turns on the shower. Quickly shucking off her pajamas and stepping under the spray. This will keep Delphine out, she knows. She has to do something...

Delphine knocks twice more, but she ignores it - concentrates on washing her body, her hair, the warm spray of the shower.

When she reluctantly emerges wrapped in a white towel, she finds Delphine sitting on the bed with her head in her hands. Regret? Distress? Embarrassment?

“Hey, it’s okay... you were half-asleep. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.”

Delphine shakes her head, then nods, “Okay.”

Cosima takes a deep breath, “Go on, take a shower, then we’ll get breakfast. I’ll wake Karen and send her back to her own room so she can finish sleeping off her night there.”

Delphine nods her response and wanders into the bathroom. Cosima dresses quickly, and braids her own hair to keep it out of the way. She hears the shower turn on and tries to get this day started, get it away from whatever drunken insanity it had started out with.

“Hey Karen.” She says loudly poking at the girls shoulder, “Karen...”

“What?” Karen rolls over to face her and then scowls.

“Delphine and I are going to get breakfast, go back to your own room and sleep there.”

“What if he’s still there?” Karen hisses back.   
“Well it’s that or you can stay here with me.” Cosima shrugs, “But if we leave, you can’t lock the room behind us - so you have to go.”

“Is Delphine still drunk?” Karen asks, pushing herself out of bed, and adjusting her clothes, tugging down her tiny skirt.

“Quite possibly.”    
“Alright... she was crazy drunk last night... She’s gross when she’s drunk.” Karen winces slightly.

“Gross?” Cosima raises an eyebrow.

“She started talking about how she’d rather go be sodomized than drink with Jamie and me.” Karen pulls a face, “And you... I mean... what did you do to her? She was too drunk.”

“Nothing. And I wouldn’t.” Cosima blanks slightly, before positing a theory, “Must have been an error in translation?” She suggests as Karen gathers her belongings and leaves rolling her eyes.

She hears banging on the far door, and three voices soon engaged in conversation. Assumably Luca has to leave so Karen can sleep. Or she’ll end up crashing with Scott again... it doesn’t really matter. Cosima cleans up as best as she can, there’s not much mess, but she gathers her own clothes. She’s searching for her camera stashed under the bed when a retching sound from the bathroom has her barging in on Delphine, finding the blonde crouched on the floor vomiting into the toilet.

“You okay?” Cosima moves to wrap a towel around her, “Hey it’s alright. You had a lot last night.” She grabs Delphine’s hair holding it back as she retches again.

“I’m sorry.” Delphine splutters. It’s disgusting, and normally Cosima would tease or make a brat of herself, but with Delphine a strange tenderness slips over her. Cosima yields to it readily.

“It’s alright.” Cosima strokes her head, “Let me know when you’re done, and I’ll get you some water.”

Delphine permits her to care for her, seemingly humiliated. Holding her hair back, fetching her water, turning off the shower, and tucking a second towel around her to prevent her from feeling exposed.

“You done?” Cosima asks, offering the water glass to Delphine again.

“I think so.” Delphine takes deep breaths and grimaces.

“Yeah more water, brush your teeth and we’ll go get something to eat... and maybe some acetaminophen.”

“You have a headache too?” Delphine’s hangover seems to be setting in with a vengeance.

Cosima nods, gesturing, “Yeah well...wine hangover. I’ll leave and let you clean up.”

Delphine nods, and Cosima closes the door behind her, returning to fetch her camera. A breakfast would do them both good.

 

**

 

They wander into the early light, Delphine a little unsteady, in search of a bakery.

“Pastry will fix it.” Cosima nods wisely, “Unless you know where we can find a greasy spoon in Rome.”

“A greasy spoon?” Delphine repeats confused.  
“Umm... like fast food stuff. Fries and burgers. The more cooking oil involved the better.”

“I don’t know?” Delphine glances back at her, there’s a distinct lack of proximity this morning. Both being cautious to keep a respectful distance.

“Okay then, pastry and coffee.” Cosima nods, glancing around taking note of landmarks to aid in finding their way back to the hotel later.

Greg bumbles up to them, smelling of sweat and reeking of beer, when they look at them he only says, “Yeah, I got so drunk last night I couldn’t find my way back. I found the Trevi fountain though, I think I puked in it.”

Cosima snorts, “Go get some sleep Greg.” She brushes off the boy, not really caring where he’d been all night. They continue looking for a bakery until they find one - the smell of fresh bread and pastries wafting out into the alleyway.

“How does this look?” She asks Delphine, resisting the urge to press her hand to her shoulder.

“Looks great.” Delphine manages a weak smile, and they enter the bakery, Cosima buys them a selection of pastry. She points rather than speaks, just selecting whatever looks good and the clerk engages with her in uncertain English. It’s easy enough, she reasons, to muddle through Rome like this.

Delphine eats quietly, “It’s good.” she mumbled around the delicate crust, eating hungrily.

The delicate sweetness meeting her own tongue as she bites into her breakfast is almost enough make her forget the awkwardness. They eat in relative silence. Delphine looks at her several times, she can feel the heat of her gaze on her face, but Cosima keeps her eyes focuses on the street, Romans miraculously waking up to begin another day after eating, drinking and talking late into the night.

“Coffee?” Cosima offers, when she notices that Delphine has finished eating.

“Yes.” Delphine reaches for her hand giving it a squeeze, “Thank you for taking such good care of me. I’m sorry I...”

“It’s fine.” Cosima brushes it off, “How much do you remember about last night?”

Delphine bites her lip, “All of it, I think.” She answers finally.

“Okay. Just checking.” Cosima nods, “Let’s take it easier on the booze tonight, okay?”

“Yes.” Delphine nods emphatically.

“Have you ever been to the catacombs?” Cosima asks suddenly, looking for anything else to think about other than Delphine’s lips on her neck.

 

**

 

  
They manage to make their way to a pharmacy, to the metro, and to the Catacombs of St. Callixtus. An English speaking tour is easy enough to find - they join the small group of morbid tourists wandering underground, seemingly shocked at the sheer number of skulls on the walls, bones piled upon bones, the incredibly number of human remains surrounding them.

Delphine’s face betrays only fascination, as she stares curiously at all of them, “I’ve been to the catacombs in Paris, never Rome.” she whispers as to not disrupt the guides’ spiel on early Christians needing a place to bury their dead.

“This is amazing.” Cosima tries not to squeal and instead ends up grabbing Delphine’s hand excitedly. Shit. Delphine doesn’t seem to mind though, nor does it attract any attention from the other tour members or their guide. “They just stack them up.”

“Yes.” Delphine nods, breathless at the sight. Morbid certainly, but also deeply fascinating. She adores the catacombs, obviously... Cosima wonders if a trip to Paris might be in order. Then shoves the thought back down, even if she could have Delphine, she will only be in Italy for another two weeks. It’s not worth the trouble or the heartache. And yet... Cosima grins at Delphine nearly perpetually, heart thudding in her chest, the same weird high of her presence lingers on. They wander through the catacombs, staring at the piles of bones, a few mummified burials are apart from the masses, Delphine stares at these intently.

“I may have a thing for mummification.” Delphine admits with a shrug, “So incredibly fascinating.”

“Oooh, you had an Egypt thing too didn’t you?” Cosima grins back, they stand back from the group, in the shadows, the guide yammering on and no one paying them any attention.

“Yes.” Delphine’s face is looking back, standing close, so very close Cosima nearly swoon again. “But actually the oldest mummies are found in Peru.”

“Really?” She shoots back, “Oh I need to see that.”

“Maybe we both will.” Delphine suggests diplomatically, “I want to thank you for taking care of me.”

“You’re welcome. It wasn’t a problem... well like a bit gross but...” Cosima trails off when she sees the intense way Delphine is looking back at her. For a moment she feels as if she will burst and then Delphine leans in slowly, kissing Cosima on one cheek and then the other, hovering slightly, feeling her breath. In the end she’s unsure who moved first, only that their mouths sealed together passionately. In the shadows, no one can see how close they are, or how their breath catches. She’s certain she whimpers slightly, but no one notices. Except Delphine...

The kiss is tender, if brief, Delphine’s hand clutching at her face as she kisses her as sweetly as she can. To her relief, Delphine tastes sweet, like mint and pastries, her mouth gently moving under her own.

“Oh god Delphine...” Cosima breaks the kiss nearly in tears, “Why did you just do that?”

“I wanted to.” Delphine leans back in for another kiss, hesitating at the conflicted emotion she sees playing across Cosima’s face.

“We need to talk about this.” Cosima breathes heavily, “Not here. We have to be more careful than this.”

Delphine nods, “Okay.”  
 They have to jog slightly to catch up with the rest of the tour, before making their way to the surface again, taking in deep gulps of fresh air once again.


	6. Chapter 6

They step out into the warm sun, the street seemingly less busy for now. Thought some Romans, and a fair amount of tourists still mill through the cobblestoned streets and winding alleyways.

“Lunch?” Cosima offers, with little hint of the tenderness they’d just shared. A few minutes ago it had seemed the most natural thing to kiss Cosima’s cheeks in the dark, to kiss her lips... and now things felt strange.  
 Delphine’s brow furrows in annoyance, “Alright.” It seems to her that the only way that they are going to manage enough privacy is to head back to the hotel. It’s getting warm anyways, and she’s still tired from last night.

“Wow... where is everyone?” Cosima glances around, even some of the stores seem to have closed temporarily. Restaurants tend to stay open, as do some establishments catering to the masses of tourists moving through Rome in the warm summer months.

“Siesta. They’ve gone home to eat and nap.” Delphine shrugs, “The stores will re-open this afternoon or this evening.

“Should we?” Cosima looks at her, raising her eyebrows, hesitating. Is she afraid to be alone with me, Delphine wonders.

“Maybe after lunch.” Delphine tugs her into the nearest café and quickly orders them two panini and a small salad. Cosima sits and smirks at her mix of French and broken Italian.

“Your Italian is leagues better than mine.” Cosima announces as their server sets their plates in front of them. Pastry hadn’t really been enough, they were both famished.   
Delphine puts down her “I took it in school years ago, but I gave it up. Kept going with English instead - I thought it would be more useful.” 

“Good call.” Cosima nods taking a bite of her own sandwich. They chew somewhat awkwardly, she know she’s looking at Cosima’s mouth, remembering the thrill of kissing her. How nothing could have stopped her once she’d kissed the brunette’s soft cheek. It had been perfect, nothing to be frightened of. 

“Cosima when I kissed you -” She starts in a hushed whisper before Cosima shakes her head, tilting it over at some other patrons, tourists speaking English. Not the place, not the time. Unsafe? Delphine wonders, is that Cosima’s reason for hushing her?

“So, do you want to go see the forum after lunch? The Trevi fountain? Get some gelato?” Cosima offers these options loudly, closing off the subject of the kiss for now.

“I am very tired Cosima.” Delphine yawns, “I think a siesta is in order.”

Cosima seems to consider her words for a moment, “Nope, let’s get coffee instead. We are too young for naps.”

Her brow furrows again as she pouts across the table at Cosima. Why is she being like this? Cosima had kissed her back, she could feel the affection in it, the longing....

“If that’s what you want.” Delphine decides finally.

“Yes it is.” Cosima nods. 

They eat happily, the food in Italy is always delicious, Delphine remembers from her last time here.   
They walk the forum, admiring the ruins, the architecture. The heat of the sun drives them to several spigots, readily drinking the ice cold water. Cosima is amazed when she tells her that the ancient aqueducts still bring the water in. A few stops for gelato later and any attempt to broach the subject of the kiss is brushed off by Cosima, with a look that clearly tells Delphine - not here, not now. Cosima takes photos, usually of scenery, once or twice she catches Cosima pointing her camera at her, but she doesn’t stop her, only smiles.   
 She sits on the edge of the fountain, eating her gelato and permits Cosima to photograph her, hungover and her hair a mess tied back in a ponytail. 

They wander the streets, on yet another gelato break, before Cosima truly engages with her again. On something deeper than architecture or what kind of gelato she should sample next.

“Shame we’re only here two days... I want to see the colosseum.” Cosima stops a minute

“We can go tomorrow. Or to the pantheon...” Delphine starts, “Or we could go this evening, after dinner?”

“Oh yeah. I’d love that.” Cosima grins, “I wonder what the others are touring.”

It’s late afternoon before their return to the hotel, feet aching from hours of walking on Roman roads. It’s obvious the students are readying themselves for another night out. Congregated in the narrow hallway, whoops of laughter and teasing   
 The other students eye them carefully, looking at Delphine, then back to Cosima.  
 Scott breaks the silence, probably once again missing whatever everyone else thinks they’ve observed, “Where did you go all day?”

“Touring Rome. Eating gelato. Getting very sore feet.” Cosima answers with a shrug.

“You feeling any better?” Rob calls over, she’s certain he’s flirting with her, but doesn’t mind. Not really.  
As they approach their room, the fight between Karen and Jamie seems to have continued all day.

“Oh shit, not this again.” Cosima grumbles under her breath.

“I don’t care about Luca. I am sleeping in my own room, which I am paying for, tonight.” Karen shouts at Jamie down the hall.

“Who’s Luca?” Delphine looks at Cosima confused, who holds up three fingers and smirks from behind Jamie’s head.

Jamie practically swoons, “Oh god... we met at the disco and went out to talk...and he’s just incredible!” Jamie bounces on her feet, “I’ve never...oh my god. Luca! I’m seeing him again tonight - but we’ll go to his... I’m sorry, Karen. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that.” 

“Can you fight anywhere else? I mean I don’t care but... it’s annoying.” Cosima addresses them directly, “Jamie will be at Luca’s, you get the room to yourself. Where’s the problem here, really?”

“The problem?” Karen balks, “I had to crash in with you, and drunk lech Delphine.”

“Lech?” Delphine’s head turns immediately to Cosima, asking for a translation.

Cosima shakes her head, “She means lecherous. Karen’s trying to call you a slutty drunk.”

“Well she did say she’d rather you sodomize her than drink with us.” Karen shrugs, “That’s pretty lecherous. Plus that guy mauling her on the dance floor last night...” 

She makes the abrupt decision to walk away, opening their door and shutting it behind her, leaving Cosima to deal with the students.

“Did you sort things out?” She lets herself rest on the bed for a moment, the sheets freshly changed while they had wandered the city. No longer smelling of wine, or Cosima’s sweat.

“Hell no. I’m not like a mediator, I’m just the T.A., besides, neither Karen or Jamie is overly fond of me.” Cosima laughs, Delphine’s hands move to massage at her own sore feet.

Cosima’s hands go instantly to her closest leg, “Here, I can help with that.” She pulls the limb onto her lap and begins to probe her fingers into the engorged muscle. It’s natural, almost - though both her and Cosima look away. 

“Oww.” Delphine whines, but makes no attempt to pull away from Cosima’s deft fingers.

Cosima tilts her head as she pauses, “Bad oww? Or yes, please fix my leg before it feels worse in the morning oww?”

“The second one.” Delphine grits her teeth and lets Cosima work the sore muscles in her calves. She stares at Cosima, for a moment their eyes are locked, breathing coming faster. She must feel it, Delphine reasons to herself, the way she’s looking back at me - but as soon she leaned forward, rested a hand on Cosima’s upper arm she was pushed away.  
 “Go take a hot shower, it will loosen up the muscles.” Cosima grumbles and walks towards the window, there’s nothing left to do but to follow instructions.

**  
The warm water helps, somewhat. She sits and soaks her feet when she’s done. “Cosima, do you want to come and soak your feet?” She calls through the door, she lets the towel sit loosely around her, making no attempt to cover herself. Seduction? She wonders to herself, is that what she’s doing?

“I’ll wait til you’re done.” Cosima hollers back.

She emerges, wrapped in a towel, and Cosima squeezes past her and into the bathroom without making eye contact.

“Cosima.” Delphine knocks on the door insistently, “Cosima.” This is getting ridiculous, surely they could manage to talk about a kiss. A lovely kiss, Delphine muses. She tries the knob, the door swings open easily.

Cosima’s blinking at the now open door stunned, sitting on the edge of the tub in her underwear and t-shirt, soaking her sore feet. 

“Do you just like barge in on people in the bathroom? Is this a French thing, cause it’s not cool.” Cosima spits at her, grabbing a towel to cover her lower body as Delphine approaches in the crowded space.

“Cosima, I kissed you,” Delphine manages to get out, “And you won’t let me -” She’s cut off by the brunette grabbing her by the shoulders and tugging her down for a harsh kiss.

“Oh.” Delphine sighs when Cosima releases her, seemingly as shaken by it as she. She remembers exactly how much skin is bare - a simple shirt and panties all that stands between herself and Cosima’s skin. 

**

“You’re straight, Delphine. At least... I was pretty sure you were until a few hours ago” Cosima eyes the blonde carefully, had she been wrong? Is this inexplicable attraction mutual? It must be, Cosima realizes... is Delphine straight? Is she gay? Somewhere in between? If so, is she okay with that? Is Delphine okay with herself?

“I thought I was... I don’t know? My body doesn’t care. Maybe it’s stupid.” Delphine shrugs, sitting next to Cosima on the ledge of the tub.

“Or maybe...” Cosima swallows, trying to gather herself, “It’s smarter than you think.”

“What are you saying?”  “Maybe, it’s not just me... Maybe you feel this too?” Cosima looks at her hopefully. From the beginning, she lets herself acknowledge it now, she’s been bonkers about Delphine from the beginning.

Delphine nods, and meets Cosima’s lips in another sweet kiss. Delphine’s arms go around her, and for a moment she forgets about her aching feet.

“I keep dreaming of you.” Delphine admits, breaking the kiss, “Since the first day we met.”

“What kind of dreams?” Cosima asks, watching Delphine blush slightly. Oh, this could be fun. 

The blonde stops to consider a moment biting her lip before answering, “Strange ones.”

“Have you ever been with a woman?” Cosima asks, wanting to get this part of the conversation over with. She assumes no, but... it’s best to be sure. 

“Non.” Delphine shakes her head.

“Okay.” Cosima takes a deep breath, “That’s totally okay. Let me dry off my feet and shower and then we’ll talk.”

Delphine agrees, reluctantly leaving her alone. Holy shit. Cosima’s brain fixates on the same two words. Holy shit. Holy shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is a bit short - I'm prepping a one-shot for the fluffathon.
> 
> (To make up for this chapter being short- ch. 7 will be up within a few days... assuming the muse cooperates)


	7. Chapter 7

Delphine’s mysteriously missing when she returns to their shared room, taking the opportunity to throw on a sundress and sit on the bed to rub at her own admittedly sore feet.

Cosima dresses, and lays back on the bed, unsure of what to do. Delphine is straight. Delphine wants her. Is she straight?

She sits up, glancing out their room’s small windows, no sign of Delphine out on the street either. “Delphine?”

There’s no response of course, but Cosima calls out regardless before poking her head out into the hall. She hears footsteps on the stairs, the chattering of her students has dissipated - it seems they’re alone for now.

“I just got us a snack,” Delphine calls as she reappears at the end of the hall, rushing back shopping bag in hand, “Blood oranges.”   
“Blood oranges?” Cosima eyes the fruit warily, watching Delphine peel one. The orange boats are an odd molted orange and red, red juices dripping down Delphine’s fingers as she presses a boat into her own mouth.

She examines the fruit for herself, before popping an offered boat into her mouth. Sweeter than regular oranges, bursting with flavour, “Why is the food so good here? I mean even on site...”

  “Volcanic soil.” Delphine grins, helping herself to more of their snack.

“It looks like sunset,” Cosima comments as she peels a second orange, “And tastes even better.”

“Mmmm delicieuses!” Delphine agrees, “I thought we could use something to tide us over til later. It’s too early to eat in Rome.”

“Yeah why eat now when we can eat massive amounts of seafood late tonight.” Cosima grins back, devouring the fruit, enjoying the distraction for the moment. Eating in silence, it’s difficult to ignore how sexy Delphine looks with orange juice dripping down her chin and fingers, instantly licking at the dribbles of sanguine nectar that tricking down her skin from the ripe fruit. She’s unable to deny her own longing, stopping eating for the moment just to watch Delphine.

“Cosima?” Delphine asks suddenly leaning forward, she’s noticed her watching.

“Yes?” Her own response is cut off by a kiss, sweet and probing. Her mouth opens at the touch of Delphine’s tongue, granting access. The sweetness of the fruit mixes with the intoxicating kiss, she moans slightly fingers suddenly in blonde curls.

They should talk, they’re supposed to talk but ...god can the woman kiss! Cosima pulls Delphine in tighter and is met by a whimper.

“You okay?” She asks softly, letting her lips kiss Delphine’s cheek.

“It’s different... but it...” Delphine swallows licking her bottom lip, “It feels so natural.”

She moans louder, tugging Delphine back in, brushing the fruit from the bed with her free hand as she pushes her down.

All the panicked thoughts of Delphine is straight, and getting caught vanish when their lips are pressed together, when a tongue teases her own, when Delphine shudders at the sound of her own little noises.

Maybe she’s moving too fast, Cosima realizes, as her hands have begun to explore, to skim Delphine’s body through her clothes. An image of feasting on Delphine in the warm Roman afternoon already burned into her mind. Yes, her body insists on pushing forward, on having Delphine here and now.

“Mon dieu...” Delphine breathes into her mouth, any further words muffled by intensifying kisses, seemingly as impassioned as she is.

“Oh...” Cosima sighs, lips wandering to kiss Delphine’s neck, pay homage to the moles there. She sucks Delphine’s earlobe between her teeth. The blonde’s hands do not wander, they stay pressed her her back, fingers tensing with Cosima’s kisses. She begins to slowly work the buttons of Delphine’s blouse open, groaning deeply at the bare skin underneath, at the lack of bra. Her hands slide underneath fabric, delighting in bare skin.

“Mais, on peut pas.” Delphine breathes, “We can’t.”

Cosima’s head pops up from her neck, “Do you want to stop?” She quickly pulls her hands away from the open blouse.

“Yes.” Delphine nods her head, her expression a strange mix of confusion and arousal.

“It’s okay. We don’t have to have sex. It’s fine.” Cosima lays down on the bed facing her instead, trying to slow her own breathing, her own pounding heart.

“But it’s not...sex.” Delphine attempts to argue, face flushed and shirt undone, “We can’t really.”

Cosima’s face falls and she’s scowling back at her. “So, sex to you is defined by a penis?” What happened to feminism? Free love? Female pleasure?

“Well.. yes.” Delphine responds sighing, “Of course it is.”

“An orgasm is an orgasm.” Cosima states flatly, suddenly deeply offended. Intercourse? That’s what Delphine wants? Something she can’t give her, Cosima surmises glumly. Or is she simply seeking reassurance? Is this just too fast for Delphine?

“I only... I only have orgasms during sex.” Delphine’s re-buttoning her blouse now, trying to slow her breathing.

“Didn’t any of your lovers just...” Cosima searches for a word that will translate easily, “Just touch you?!” She decides on eventually. She couldn’t imagine anyone being with Delphine and not touching her, not pleasuring her...

Delphine nods, “But I didn’t like it.”

“Then they were doing it wrong. Trust me on this one.” Cosima’s eyebrows raise as she responds without thinking, one of her hands going back to rest on Delphine’s hip.

  
“I don’t know,” Delphine exhales, rolling onto her side facing Cosima. Her hair is mussed now.

“Are you worried that you won’t like it? Or that you will? Or is this about something else?” Cosima posits a theory, “I mean, I don’t want to ruin your career... I don’t know what would happen if it got out that we.... I mean, like, honestly my reputation? Not the greatest for getting gigs... it’s how I ended up working for Leekie for the summer. My supervisor might know, but I had to work twice as hard for the master’s program.”

“It’s how I ended up with Dr. Villeneuve as my thesis supervisor.” Delphine sighs, with a strained expression.

“But you...” Cosima shakes her head, “You’re not...”

“No. But Dr. St-Laurent was married, Matthieu... my lover before Rémy.” Delphine smiles at her strangely, “My reputation is already destroyed. Only Dr. Villeneuve would take me on after that. He said my grades and work mattered more to him than...”

Cosima sits up, “You think Leekie knows?”

“He might, I wondered at first if that was why he was flirting with me.”

Cosima strokes her fingers soothingly through curls, “Did you love him?” She looks down tenderly, wondering what compelled Delphine to make those choices.  
“Non. I didn’t.” Delphine sighs avoiding eye contact, “I loved the work, enjoyed his attention...being his research assistant, his protégée. He was quite influential - did a lot of funerary archeology. Already had his tenure in his mid-thirties... I didn’t know he was married... not until we were discovered.” The blonde does not elaborate and Cosima doesn’t ask.

“That really sucks.” Cosima stares at the ceiling, was this Delphine then? Ambitious to the point of self-ruin? Willing to use her body like that? “What about Rémy?”

“Rémy knows very little of it. He’s ... Il sera avocat?” Delphine puzzles over her words, “He’s in law school, nearly finished it now. I was introduced to him by a friend last year.”

Cosima nods again, one hand gesturing out in front of her, “Separate from the whole thing.” How could someone so... passionate be so detached about sex? Cosima knew well there was a beauty to sex in and of itself, to the giving and receiving of pleasure... She certainly hadn’t loved all of her former lovers, or even known them... But having sex purely for ambitious reasons just seems so cold.

“Yes, that’s why I liked him.” Delphine seems to be considering something, but says nothing more.

“You took the fall for it all, didn’t you? Not him. Not Matthieu.” Cosima puts it together easily.

Delphine answers simply, “Yes.”

“Come on,” Cosima decides, “We’re going out. More gelato, more tourism.” She clambers off the bed and begins digging around for her shoes.

**

They’re sitting outside the pantheon, eating what is their fourth helping of gelato for the day and Cosima still looks at her, still smiles at her. It’s off somehow, and how could it not be? Delphine reasons to herself.

She’s quieter now, Delphine admits to herself, but Cosima’s attentions had not vanished completely as she’d guessed they would. She’s relieved mostly, but wishes that she could see that same light giddiness in Cosima again.

“Cosima?” Delphine plays with her gelato, swirling it around with a small plastic spoon.

“Yeah?”

“Do you still like me?”

The brunette hesitates and plays with her hair, “Yeah.” She answers very quietly, “I mean you’re still the same Delphine I met nearly a week ago.”

“The same Delphine who kissed you in the catacombs.” Delphine adds in a hushed whisper.

“That too.” Cosima grins a real smile again, “I guess I just don’t understand it... I mean I get having sex out of enjoying sex, or attraction or desire to feel wanted....”

“But not for...professional gains?” Delphine suggests diplomatically.

“No... I didn’t expect that.” Cosima admits honestly, “But... Delphine why?”

Delphine considers her response, helping herself to several large spoonfuls of lemon gelato, “I loved the work. I was passionate about that... it just came along with it.”

Cosima observes her carefully, “I love archeology too, but...”

“I was 19, Cosima...” Delphine throws a hand up to her forehead, “At the time...”

 “Oh. I’m sorry...” Cosima looks at her curiously, “How old are you now?”

“ 21,” Delphine offers, “I’ll be 22 in December.”

“And what was Rémy if Matthieu was...”

“Rémy was just a boyfriend, another person in my life who didn’t get it. Or get me.”

“I get you.” Cosima’s free hand entwines with her own, “The passion for archeology, skeletal remains. You just look at them with complete fascination, especially the diseased looking ones... I mean.. you’re amazing, Delphine.”

“Thank you.”

“And ...you deserve better than being some prof’s mistress.” 

  
“I know, I won’t do it again.” Delphine shakes her head, “I...”

“So... is that why you don’t want to...? Or is it?” Cosima gestures down at her own body. A few Italians mill about, but don’t really understand them enough to make heads or tails of their conversation.

Delphine contemplates her response. At least she hadn’t told her everything... not about Rémy. How he’d crouch down between her legs staring intently at her sex, probing deeply with two fingers. If she was lucky, he’d rest his head against her thigh, watching his own fingers repeatedly engulfed by her heat. It was always like that... disconnected, strange. His eyes never leaving her sex. The first time he’d touched her, simply stroked a finger between her legs she’d cried out. Trop sensible, he’d pronounced her. Too sensitive for anything but penetration. Would Cosima stare at her like that? Find her too sensitive to touch?

 

She hoped not, she wanted to enjoy Cosima, to touch Cosima... for Cosima to find pleasure in it as well. Would it feel disconnected? Would Cosima find her touch...underwhelming? Unsatisfying? Would Cosima really be a part of it if ...

Foreplay, Delphine scoffs inwardly, she’d hated it, always rushed to get Rémy inside her, make him part of the act. Watch the easy pleasure slip over his face, wrap her legs around his hips. Enjoy the steady build they rode together, the slide of their bodies together. That was sex. That was what she had enjoyed.  
 This... what would this be? Cosima touching her, a look of boredom on her face? No... something inside her tells her it won’t be. It couldn’t be.

“He used to stare at me, Rémy. ” Delphine says without preamble, “And I hated it.”  
 “Well of course he wanted to look at you, have you seen you?”

Delphine smiles and shakes it off, this is enough for now, “Do you want to walk around and get a late dinner?”

“Yeah I could go for that.” Cosima grins, “Walk around Rome with you.”

“I know of a good restaurant, excellent seafood.”

“Let’s go.” Cosima smiles at her again, things easy enough for now.


	8. Chapter 8

_A warm body cuddles in close to her, she moves next to her, fingers stroking at her hair, “Do you want me?”_

_Delphine nods at her, hands going to grip her hips, pulling Cosima on top of her. “Fourre-moi...” Delphine begs, kissing her mouth, her cheeks, “S’il te plait.”_

_“Anything you want,” Cosima promises, sliding her hands under the nightgown along soft skin. She doesn’t understand, but she does understand. She spreads Delphine’s legs and positions herself between them. She’s about to move, to reach down, to take her, but she’s stopped suddenly._

_“Ne me quitte pas.” She’s trapped in long limbs, clutching her too tightly to move._

_“I won’t.” Cosima pushes up to kiss Delphine again, losing herself in kisses and rolling hips beneath her, “I can’t.”_

She wakes slowly from the dream, blinking her eyes open in the sunlight. How long did they sleep? They’d eaten far too much, walked too long, partook in fish and mussels late into the night. Another bottle of wine was opened between them, and when they’d wandered back to the hotel they’d collapsed in bed, too full and too tired to consider much else.

But it doesn’t matter not when Delphine is lying beside her, blinking slowly as she pulls her in.

Ohh, Cosima resists the urge to moan, to pull Delphine between her legs... anything that might frighten her. Delphine’s nightgown has shifted during sleep, and a pale pink nipple peeks out at her above lace, but she makes no move to cover herself.

“Delphine,” She breathes as she’s tugged in closer by the blonde. The dream kiss near instantly replaced by a real one. She can feel her warmth through thin cotton, and she groans softly.

“Cosima.” Delphine whimpers her name, “I dreamed of you again.”

“Me too.” Cosima whispers back between kisses, she wants to say more. That they’d be so beautiful together, that her heart feels like bursting, but she stops herself. Can she really love Delphine and leave her? What happens when this dig is done? Does it matter?

Delphine claims her lips again, kissing softly, slowly. She doesn’t seem as scared now, Cosima muses... should she push further? Should she even ask? Delphine doesn’t seem frightened now, but she’s scared of upsetting the delicate balance between them. Is Delphine even truly awake?

“J’aime tes hanches.” Delphine murmurs, hands grazing her hips tentatively.

  
 She sighs softly in response, “Ohh. Yes...” Delphine’s fingers brush the flesh of her hips, before grabbing uncertainly, “You can grab me....” Cosima reassures with quick kisses pressed to Delphine’s cheek.

The gaze that returns hers is surprised, even delighted as she lets her hands grip Cosima’s hips before sliding up to her waist, raising her pyjama top as she does so, letting the pads of her fingers slowly brush skin.

“T’es toute douce.” Delphine breathes, before claiming her mouth in another kiss, tongue flicking out to touch Cosima’s own.  
 She’s moaning freely now, unable to help herself with Delphine’s hands touching bare skin, Delphine’s tongue in her mouth...

A knock on the door disturbs them, sending them flying apart breathlessly, both panting. Both wanting.  
 “Hey, we’re leaving in ten - you awake?” Scott knocks again, “Wake up or you’ll miss the train.”

“Shit.” Cosima jumps out of bed, ignoring her body’s protests as she throws her things back in her bag, “We’ve gotta go.”

**

Delphine has never before been happy to see Aldous Leekie, but when he shows up with that 17-seater van to pick them up at the train station, she is so sick of trains and travelling that she’s relieved. Back to site, back to the dig, back to the distraction it provides from her constant desire for Cosima.  
 “Nice weekend?” He calls, parking the van and allowing the tired, sunburnt and somewhat hungover students to pile in.

“Rome is awesome.” Scott smiles and nods at him, everyone else listless enough to fall asleep during their ride back.

Cosima smiles when she reaches to hold her hand, tucked out of the way in the back of the van. No one notices, though Delphine observes Cosima checking, making sure they’re being discreet.

Is that what life would be with Cosima? She catches herself with the thought. Life? She hasn’t even known Cosima a week, and yet... Delphine grins, giving Cosima’s hand a gentle squeeze, watching Cosima beam back. Is this... what it seems?

**

They eat a meal in the village, students eating and talking happily before Aldous drives them all back to site. Parking the van, and resuming field school for the week.

She puts her things away quickly, storing clothing in the large plastic tub for waterproofing. She needs to get back to Cosima, even if they cannot be alone together... she can still be around her. There is no privacy on this site, but... perhaps late at night...

Delphine becomes distracted by the smell of campfire, hear the sounds of laughter coming from around it. Should she join them? Will Cosima?  
 “Delphine? Can I have a word?” Aldous waves her over when he sees her re-emerge from her tent.

“Certainly.” Delphine nods, falling back into the role of TA. Etruscans. Skeletal remains. Archeology. She reminds herself why she’s here in the first place. Not to become distracted by...

“I’ve seen your notes on the burials.” Aldous sits down across from her, peering through her notes.

“Yes? And?” Delphine meets his gaze head on.

“Are you catering to Cosima’s whims?”

Catering? Delphine wants to laugh at the thought... Cosima’s whims? Her desires? It sends a flash through her mind, a memory of this morning, tangling herself up in Cosima, kissing Cosima, hands grazing her hips...

How to respond? Delphine wonders, before deciding, “No, for the burials I went off skeletal markers - you can see it in my notes.”  Leekie’s eyes bore into her, “The spear one is female? Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Delphine nods, “The pelvis is textbook female - I can show you tomorrow.”

“Very well, I’m going to be asking Dr. Villeneuve to take a look at it when it’s shipped to your lab.”

“Alright.” She bites her tongue, lets Aldous have his say. It is his paper that this dig will be written in, it is his dig. The facts are the facts, Delphine reflects, they cannot be altered by sexism or... suppositions.

“Are they mother and child then? Do you have an approximate age?”

“They are probably related but... I’m unsure how. For ages, I don’t know about the adult. The child is between seven and ten years of age.” Delphine ruffles through her papers again, had she made any notes on age? It’s so much more difficult to determine with adults. She’d look at the wear on the teeth, the pubic symphysis...

“Are you on the pill?” Aldous asks her suddenly, nearly making her drop her notes.

“Excuse me?” Delphine repeats, looking up in shock.

She’s irresistibly reminded of another prof, another time. Even though, he’d never asked the same question. After weeks of flirting, and Matthieu’s hand grazing her body in the lab, he’d invited her up to his office one evening. She’d said yes, and followed him from the lab to his office, his hand resting on her ass.

She’d smiled and partook in discussion of l’amour libre, her undergraduate studies, how well she was taking to archeology. She’d stroked his face, hair greying at his temples, kissed his lips, let his tongue plunder her mouth as he urged her up on to the desk, told her to be quiet, as he hiked up her skirt, slipped lace panties from her body. She’d been wet, ready for it. Excited, if not by her lover, then by his work, or the naughtiness of their office encounter. There was certainly an attraction there, of a kind...

She remembers it, the heat of him inside her, the aching stretch of it, the lingering deep soreness that followed. She’d dug her fingernails into his shoulders and did not cry out, couldn’t cry out with him smothering her cries into his neck. After several minutes of thrusting, she’d remembered the risk she alone was taking, and tried to demand he pull out. He smothered it like her moans, growing unsteady, losing rhythm as he came in her. He’d held her for a moment or two, stroking her hair before pulling back to ask what she’d been trying to say. He hadn’t noticed how new this was to her, only that she had been tight, clutching him in a vice grip.

And she remembers after, the beginning of their affair. Tu dois prendre la pillule Delphine! On veut pas une grossesse! He’d scolded her like a misbehaving child, still sitting disheveled on his desk in her ruined skirt. Embarrassed, she’d gotten up to leave. But within two days she’d found herself on his desk again... She’d been his research assistant, his mistress, and subsequently ruined her reputation within her department. Transferring universities wasn’t an option - not if she wanted paleopathology, bioarcheology... So she’d stayed and let them whisper and mock her. Her grades spoke for themselves, and Dr. Villeneuve, by some strange stroke of luck, wanted her as a master’s student.

Delphine responds looking directly at Leekie, “What does this have to do with Etruscan archeology? Or skeletal remains?” She hopes her face conveys how unwelcome this question is. He’s older than Matthieu was, by at least a decade... And Matthieu had been 18 years older than herself.

“Nothing just... looking out for your career.” Leekie shrugs, “You wouldn’t want to put your grad school plans at risk.”

Delphine shoots back, “And I won’t be.” Because I won’t be fucking you, she wants to add, but remains silent, eyes fixed on her work.

“Ah... good.” Leekie nods, “You should be careful with Cosima, Delphine.”

“Careful how? What does Cosima have to do with this?”

“Cosima isn’t... she’s....” Leekie makes a strange gesture with one of his hands.

  
He knows, Delphine realizes suddenly, about Cosima... maybe about her as well? Has she been obvious? Has their... blossoming romance attracted attention? Can she even call it that when it was so...instantaneous?

“What do you mean?” She opts for playing dumb, and when Leekie sighs and shakes his head she leaves.

**

“What’d he want?” Cosima corners Delphine when she emerges from the lab tent, “About the sex of our warrior? Leekie pitch a fit?”

  
 “Bit of dig stuff, bit of flirting.” Delphine shrugs, shaking her head, adding the last part in a whisper.

“Figures. Creepy perve.” Cosima reaches out a hand to play with a stray curl, even frizzy, she adores Delphine’s hair. He can’t have you, Cosima thinks to herself, cause you’re... she cuts herself off. No. Not thinking it.

Unexpectedly, Delphine wraps an arm around her shoulder and gives her a quick squeeze.  
 “What was that for?”

“I ...wanted to.” Delphine looks at her suddenly, “Was that...?” 

  
“It’s fine, come on.” Cosima leads her to the campfire, they sit and laugh with the group. Watch Kevin massaging Michelle’s shoulders and legs, the strain from Roman roads and cheap shoes being worked from her body.

Jamie swoons, “Luca is amazing... I never realized you could feel that much that quickly! The first time I saw him! Oh my god...”

Karen rolls her eyes, “I don’t care about Luca. I don’t care that he gets you or that he has all his bits and the sex is amazing. I. Don’t. Care.”

“It’s awesome.” Jamie pulls her knees up to her chest, “I’m going to stay with him next weekend. Any of you believe in love at first sight?”

“You’re crazy!” Karen tells her loudly, “And I’m still pissed at you.”

“I dunno.” Greg shrugs.

Michelle and Kevin simply shake their heads, Cosima remains silent. The general consensus seems to be a clear no.

Le coup de foudre? Delphine thinks immediately of Cosima, who she wishes desperately she could be touching or holding, even casually like Kevin and Michelle. But she cannot share, cannot even hint that it’s Cosima.

“I think so.” Delphine answers cautiously.

“You get it then, Delphine?” Jamie beams at her.

“Yes. I think I do.”

“Okay, kids, we have another early morning tomorrow.” Cosima shakes her head, “You might want to get some sleep.”

Slowly the students dissipate, getting up in groups and going to their tents or the outhouse. Delphine doesn’t leave, wanting too badly to be alone with Cosima. To be permitted to touch Cosima, or even talk openly.

“Here,” Delphine begins to work one of her own arms, as the last of the students move away to go to bed. They’ll be digging again early the next morning, she’s about to tell Delphine that they should probably get some rest too but cannot bring herself to stop her. The water bucket is close enough, just douse the fire and go to bed, Cosima tells herself.

Instead, her head falls forward as Delphine’s strong fingers work at the tension in her muscles, it’s almost painful, but she still won’t stop her. She hears Dr. Leekie leave the lab tent and wander off towards his own tent. She’s sure he glances over, but it doesn’t matter, she decides.

“You’re very tense.” Delphine tells her, voice low. Guiding her to lay down on the fleece blanket they’re both sitting on, Delphine straddling her back, fingers probing muscles on either side of her spine through fabric.

“I am enjoying this too much.” Cosima breathes finally, muffling her words into the blanket.

“So am I.” Delphine’s hands don’t stop, they drop lower, teasing at her hips again. Lips tease at her neck once more with slow kisses. And she’s burning already, Cosima almost wants to shake her head. This much, from so little?

“Delphine?”

“Yes?” Delphine sits up enough, and Cosima rolls in time to see the blonde’s lips descend rapidly towards her own. Another frustrating make-out session? Cosima wonders as she hauls Delphine down on top of her, her own tongue teasing Delphine’s. Does she even care anymore? Can she just take whatever Delphine is willing to give her?

“Delphine...” She sighs happily between kisses, stunningly good kisses. She lets her hands roam gently, hips to ribs enjoying the small intakes of breath she receives in response, the harsher kisses.

Outside, where anyone could see, and yet she can’t help herself. She rolls Delphine to her back, enjoying the tiny breathless sound she makes when she lands.

“I want you....” Cosima breathes into Delphine’s ear, rocking down into her, knowing that she can feel her.

Delphine moans softly in response, she shifts allowing her legs to fall open, pulling Cosima closer instinctively.

“You’re so warm...” Delphine breathes out when her thigh makes contact with Cosima.

  
 Cosima murmurs back, “I’m wet, so wet.” She’d meant to excite Delphine. Forgetting, just for an instant, how new this is for her ...lover? friend? She feels the blonde tense beneath her body. Shit.  
 Delphine makes a tiny sound in her throat, face tensing. She has to do something to fix this quickly, Cosima wracks her brain for a solution.

“You know, I could be happy just giving to you. You don’t have to touch me.” Cosima offers finally. Ignore the aching of her own body, just give to Delphine, she smiles at the thought. She could do that.

“Just giving?” Delphine blinks back at her confused, still trapped beneath her.

“Me touching you, pleasuring you,” Cosima elaborates pressing a soft kiss to Delphine’s cheek, “No reciprocation required.”

“Cosima, I’ve never...” Delphine’s shaking her head, “I don’t even know...”

“Yeah women are different, I can’t deny that but... think about how it feels... not what it will look like.” Cosima lets her hand stroke the blonde’s cheek, toying with mussed curls.

“What would it look like?” Delphine breathes her question.

“I’ll use my hands... and probably my mouth.” Cosima groans at the thought, “Would you want me to touch you? Taste you?”

Delphine whimpers and hides her face in her shoulder, but she holds on, she doesn’t push her away.

“I don’t need a dick to fuck you.” Cosima insists softly, “Just... try?” She pleads with Delphine, unsure of what else to say. What else could reassure her?

  
 “I don’t want it to feel disconnected.” Delphine admits quietly, stroking at Cosima’s back for a moment.

“It won’t be.” Cosima murmurs, kissing Delphine’s forehead, “I promise it won’t.” How could Delphine even think that?

But Delphine only cries, and pushes at her shoulder, “I think... I think I should go to bed.”

“Okay.” Cosima sits up, “Go on, it’s fine.” It doesn’t feel fine watching Delphine walk away quickly, obviously upset.

Maybe she’d pushed too much? The throbbing of her own body will no longer be ignored, Cosima throws the water bucked onto the fire, watching it smolder until she’s sure it’s out. She can satisfy some of her need, if not for Delphine in her arms, crying out for her then... at least the physical need for release.

Back in her own tent, she changes quickly into pyjamas, throwing her clothes haphazardly back in the blue plastic crate. Tucked in her sleeping bag, unable to sleep, she slides a hand down her own belly, past the waistband of her pants.

“Delphine.” She breathes, remembering breathless kisses and flushed skin, Delphine’s hands on her hips. It won’t take long, she realizes, stroking herself with her fingers, finding her sex swollen and dripping wet. A few minutes of quick movements and it’s done, muffling her noises into the plaid fabric of her sleeping bag. Would Delphine hold her and let her do this? If they ever... Would that be enough to satisfy her? Pleasing Delphine and then bringing herself to orgasm as well? She doesn’t care, Cosima realizes stunned, if Delphine touches her like that. She simply wants, simply loves...

“Shit.” Cosima curses when it’s done, when her body has relaxed, she wipes her hand off on her pyjamas and tries to will herself to sleep. Forget the way she feels when she sees Delphine, or hears her voice. Falling in love was not part of the plan... Shit. It’s too late, it’s been too late since the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s note:
> 
> Fourrer - is a french verb meaning “to stuff, to fill, to shove” - usually used in conjunction with things like stuffed olives, pastries etc... There is a more vulgar meaning - one can “fourre” a woman, but... yeah very very vulgar. So even more vulgar than “Baise-moi”, similar idea. This note is because google translate does not translate “fourre-moi” ... so... there you go. A vulgar language lesson.


	9. Chapter 9

More aroused than she’s ever been in her life, Delphine lies on top of her sleeping bag wanting. Kissing Cosima, touching Cosima’s skin... What would it be like, Delphine wonders. Desire? Why from this? Why so much if Cosima couldn’t... She shakes her head to clear it, staring up at the fabric of her tent. She’s changed into pyjamas, but nothing seems to cool the heat on her skin, or the tightness of arousal low in her body.

Would she change this? Any of this? Any of Cosima’s body? Give herself these feelings for a man instead of this small brilliant woman? No, Delphine reacts instinctively, she wants Cosima exactly as she is. Round hips, soft skin, her dark hair, her beautiful sweet mouth. When she thinks of Cosima, her body tightens, arousal pools between her thighs. Her dreams haunt her, kissing and touching Cosima, not in the least disconnected.

Is Cosima laying awake like this as well? Delphine wonders. Is she suffering and aching just as much? Is she depriving both of them out of fear? Tension built far beyond comfortable limits. Her body know what it wants, surely it wouldn’t want so intensely if Cosima couldn’t satisfy her need. And Cosima’s... What would Cosima want? What would please her? What would she want Delphine to say? Cosima’s need was so obvious, Delphine muffles a moan at the thought, and she’d left her wanting. Fucking? She doesn’t want to just fuck Cosima, she wants so much more. Delphine groans audibly.

Unable to take it anymore, Delphine unzips and clambers out of her tent, quickly lacing her boots. It’s quiet, sleep having already claimed most of the students. She heads directly for Cosima’s tent. The cool night does nothing to quell the fire raging inside her body. 

She opens the flap to Cosima’s tent and removes the boots in the vestibule, placing them next to Cosima’s. It’s dark in Cosima’s tent but she can make out the shape of Cosima’s body in her sleeping bag. And the large water-tight blue crate she uses to store her belongings. She zips the tent again behind her. Is Cosima still awake? If not, will she wake her?

“Who’s there?” Cosima groans at her, voice dazed “Delphine?” 

Has she woken her then? How does she know? Can she feel her somehow? Delphine immediately pulls off her pajama pants, throwing them on top of the giant blue container. “Touch me, Cosima.” Delphine demands softly, unzipping the sleeping bag and crawling in with her, “I want you to.”

“What?” Cosima asks softly as Delphine moves to hover over her, laying frantic kisses immediately to her neck, her cheeks. Now, she insists silently, I want you now. Does Cosima still want her? Does she understand the magnetic draw she possesses?

She straddles Cosima, lets her bare sex brush the brunette’s abdomen, damp curls meeting toned skin and flimsy cotton fabric. Delphine considers other words, but she doesn’t want to be vulgar with Cosima. Doesn’t want to taint this with dirty words, even if Cosima may not understand them.. “Touch me.” She repeats insistently.

“Woah, you’re not wearing pants...” Cosima breathes heavily, “Oh god... I can feel you.” Cosima is unable to keep a low groan from escaping. Hands instantly reaching for Delphine’s hips, pushing down, increasing the pressure of their contact, making her hiss in pleasure.

“So wet.” Delphine whispers back, using Cosima’s own words, attempting to excite her, rouse her from her sleep. “Please. S’il te plait.” Show me how, she begs silently, so I can please you.

“Ohh.” Cosima breathes, pulling her down for a heated kiss, letting her fingers dig into bare skin. 

Delphine moans loudly into Cosima kisses, at the pressure against her sex, at Cosima’s hands on her hips. Intense, perfect... How could she resist this?

“Oh god, shh!” Cosima shushes her, “You’re so loud. I haven’t even touched you yet! I thought you said you were quiet.” 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s got into me.” Delphine apologizes, her brain suggesting ‘desperation’ as a possible cause. Her skin nearly burns touching Cosima’s, she realizes that she will be consumed by this.

“You have to be quiet.” Cosima hisses catching her chin and holding it, forcing eye contact, “There are only a few metres and a little fabric between us and everyone else on site.”

Cosima draws her back into her arms, hands slipping lower, grazing her ass briefly. Hands slide up again to grip the hem of her shirt, raising it just slightly.

“Oui.” She agrees quickly, “Yes, Cosima.” Delphine answers the unasked question, “Please.” She raises her arms permitting the removal of the garment.

Cosima looks up at her for a moment, seemingly stunned. Too afraid to touch? Delphine wonders. Too nervous? Too afraid that she will run again?

No, she wants to promise her, never again will she run from her. Instead, she clasps Cosima’s hands in her own, laying a slow kiss against each palm before pressing them into her breasts. 

“Ohh.” Cosima barely contains her moan, cupping supple flesh in her hands, gently stroking with her thumbs.

“Prends-moi.” Delphine husks at her, rolling her hips gently, enjoying the gentle stimulation, watching Cosima’s reaction. Flushing, eyes rolling back, groaning. It’s not so very different, she realizes smiling. 

“What does that mean?” Cosima breathes back, hands skimming skin.

Delphine smiles, “Take me.” On va faire l’amour, she thinks to herself with gleeful delight.

She’s rolled almost instantly back to lay on her side. Facing Cosima, who smiles at her, rolling with her. “Like this?” Cosima asks softly, a hand pulling the blonde’s leg over to rest on her hip, as she scoots forward. 

She watches Cosima’s hand press between them, cupping between her legs, unmoving. Simply savouring the sensation of touching her, she rocks her hips and is kissed just as fiercely for a moment. Her naked body pressed to Cosima’s clothed one, her fingers fumble with fabric, wanting skin.

“Non. Take off your clothes.” Delphine pulls on the hem of Cosima’s tank lifting it off, “I want you naked.” She will have Cosima, touch Cosima, feel Cosima against her. 

Cosima looks at her in disbelief before obeying, the sleeping bag unzipped and thrown open, “You sure?”

“Yes. Yes. I want you naked when we make love.” Delphine begs quietly, she watches Cosima pull away to peel off her pajamas in the dark, too dark to really see beyond shades and shadow. She pulls Cosima in against her regardless, trying not to moan at the touch of their skin. The absolute thrill of it, she kisses Cosima instead to muffle the noise.

Her skin is soft, and Cosima is undeniably wet, dripping curls pressing against her own skin. She lets her hands explore, caressing from thighs upwards, grazing Cosima’s ass, Cosima’s breasts. Should she be rougher? More insistent? Does Cosima prefer a gentle touch?

“Do you like this?” Delphine asks as the brunette looks back at her in disbelief. She belatedly realizes she’s fondling Cosima, stroking and squeezing at her. Her dream-memories spurring her on, she will have Cosima, she will take her. 

“Oh Delphine,” Cosima sighs, kissing her again, pushing in to her, their bodies pressed together from chest to calves. She muffles a moan at the press of their breasts, their skin.

“T’es toute douce.” She sighs again, “You’re so soft.” 

“Is that what that means?”

“Yes.” Delphine breathes back, “Ma chérie.” Fingers brushing Cosima’s lips, her cheeks before bringing her in for another kiss, now exploring the skin of her back. She cannot get enough of the way Cosima feels or smells, she inhales deeply at the thought. 

Cosima smiles softly, fingers reaching down to gently part her again, “You feel so good.” She groans softly, seemingly mesmerized by their bodies together.

“C’est comme la fin du monde.” Delphine moans. Everything is intense, if she thought kissing Cosima was too intense she had gotten way over her head. If she doesn’t have Cosima soon, she may spontaneously combust.

“What does that mean?” Cosima’s voice barely a whisper.  “It’s like the world is ending.” Delphine repeats in English, she rolls her hips attempting to speed things along, pushing herself against skilled fingers.

“No... Delphine, it’s just beginning.” She continues to stroke her gently, so gently, she wants to cry, instead she gasps, clinging more tightly to Cosima’s skin. 

Mon amour, she thinks, letting her head fall back. She was meant to meet Cosima, meant to love her - it’s so clear now. Delphine lets herself whine softly, “J’ai besoin de toi.” 

“Wow, you’re so sensitive.” Cosima husks, kissing her, stroking her, “So sexy.” 

She nods in response, gasping at the featherlight touch of soft hands. At how very good this feels, Cosima feels. Pressure builds rapidly in her pelvis, and she responds by muffling little sounds into Cosima’s cheeks, her lips, her neck. How is this so easy?

“How’s that?” 

“Mmm.” Delphine whimpers and forces their lips back together, “Get on top of me.”

Cosima rolls her gently, adjusting their position to hover over her, long dark hair hangs down over her face for a moment, and Delphine pushes it back with her hands. She’s nearly coming undone at these soft delicate touches, at the gentle pressure. So different, and yet, Cosima is still achingly familiar, her touch nearly electric.

“Inside.” Delphine insists quietly, her hips jerking with each gentle stroke. Cosima moves over her, letting their skin brush together, making little noises in the back of her throat as they kiss.

“I don’t have to be,” Cosima whispers back tenderly between lingering kisses, “It’s not necessary.”

She presses a kiss to Cosima’s temple, “Please.” She smooths her hands over the soft skin of Cosima’s back, holding her close, keeping her close.

Two fingers gently push inside, continuing to stroke gently, Cosima’s thumb moves to rubbing tight circles that are just.. too much.

“Trop. Too much.” No sooner has she winced, than has Cosima stopped.

“Okay, okay...” Cosima eases off with a kiss, pressing down with her palm instead. 

“You’re so gentle.” She whispers the words into Cosima’s ear, “I like you... I like your fingers inside me.” Something is boiling up in her, pressure threatening to release far too soon, she sobs at the thought of this being over so quickly.

“I am inside you.” Cosima insists curling her digits slightly, “This is me inside of you.”

“Je t’aime.” The words are barely a whisper and she doesn’t want to say them now, not while Cosima is gently working in her, making love to her. And there are tears running down her cheeks, and she clutches Cosima tighter. They become hushed voices and clinging kisses, little moans and the sweet slide of their bodies.

Her cries are muffled by Cosima’s lips as she tumbles over the edge, unable to resist climax any longer. Cosima’s hand keeps moving, drawing out the orgasm until she relaxes beneath her new lover.

**

“Beautiful,” Cosima breathes into her ear as her lover’s cries turn to panting. As her own breath slows, she contents herself with stroking Delphine’s hair, admiring her as best she can in the dark. 

Delphine’s cheeks are wet with tears, and she’ll never want to let go, never, Delphine realizes with another low cry. She’s still gasping for breath and shuddering underneath Cosima, only then does she notice the wet spot beneath them, the fluid that seems to have gathered between Cosima’s hand and her body.

She looks down confused for a moment, but then notices Cosima smiling at her in the dark as she gently pulls out. All cheeky smile and exposed canines, pushing forward to kiss her again. 

Cosima grins, looking adoringly down at Delphine, “You okay?” She’s completely besotted, but she can’t bring herself to care right now, unwilling to face the fact she’s fallen too deeply.

Delphine nods breathlessly, arms reaching up to clutch her against her own body, anything to prolong their connection, in any small way.   
She’s clinging to me, Cosima thinks delightedly, kissing at the blonde’s neck, her cheeks. Cosima is surprised when she feels Delphine sit up, almost shakily, taking her with her. She giggles suddenly forced to sit up, “You can lie back down.”

“Non.” Delphine answers, “T’es la mienne.” This new desire is stronger than ever, Cosima’s pleasure. Her dreams flash through her mind briefly, scenes of kissing Cosima, of Cosima crying out for her in ecstasy. A low heat settles into her body again at the thought. She suppresses her worries, she has to try...

“Mmm?” Cosima hums between surprisingly frantic kisses placed to her own neck. Will Delphine really...? Does she even really want her to? Cosima considers. Will she be able to be quiet enough with Delphine’s hands on her?

Delphine grips Cosima’s chin gently, “Tu es la mienne, et je vais te prendre.” 

“What does that mean?” Cosima moans into the next kiss, tongue stroking Delphine’s.

“You’re mine, Cosima, and I am going to take you.” Delphine clarifies in a low voice, pulling her in closer.

“Oh.” Cosima lets herself sigh, surrendering to whatever has come over Delphine. She straddles Delphine’s lap readily, meeting her tender, breathless kisses. She lets out of hoarse gasp of surprise at fingers sliding up her thigh towards her once again aching sex, fingers slip into her without preamble, “Delphine...” Cosima cries and whimpers, burying her face in the blonde’s neck.

Delphine stills for a moment, “Are you alright?” She wants to groan at this, Cosima feels good, better than she’d expected, she delights in the feel of her, and her own undeniable reaction. Almost selfishly, she needs Cosima to come... Cosima to cry out for her, cling to her, confess her love to her.

“Yes.” Cosima murmurs, rolling her hips, “Please...Delphine...please.” Her need is undeniable, she has to have her. It’ s not perfect, but it’s Delphine, and she throws herself into it.

“I’m going to make love to you.” Delphine promises softly, she moves gently. She tries to listen to Cosima’s breathing, following the gentle rolling of her hips. She is suddenly hyperaware of all the places they touch, their lips, their breasts, the backs of Cosima’s thighs on her lap, against her hips, Cosima’s arms around her, and the sweet warmth of Cosima’s sex enveloping her fingers. She moves experimentally, cautiously. She knows she’s fumbling, one arm clutching around Cosima’s back holding her close.

Cosima groans slightly, moving her hips more firmly trying to guide Delphine, holding back tears of her own, “Can you just...” 

Suddenly far too aware of her clumsiness, Delphine stills, sobbing, “I wanted this to be good for you.” 

“Shh... it’s okay,” Cosima readjusts her hand slightly with one of her own, moving her hips steadily once again, “Like this, okay?” She presses soft kisses to Delphine’s cheeks, her lips to reassure her.

She nods, moving as Cosima wants her to, into her guidance. Delphine tries to fill each movement with tenderness... Cosima has to know, she has to tell her. Now, everything in her demands it. 

Cosima breathes heavily when she strokes her more firmly, pushes a little deeper, “Yes.” Little groans emerge from their movements, and she can feel Delphine smiling whenever their lips part to draw breath.

“Je t’aime.” She whispers into Cosima’s ear, fingers continuing their gentle strokes inside, “Je t’aime.” This is perfect, Delphine decides, this is the perfect moment. 

Cosima moans, and forces their lips together, hips keeping their movements, little moans escaping despite both of their attempts to remain quiet. She feels Cosima tighten around her, and moans openly, making no attempt to muffle herself.

She breaks the kiss, needing Cosima to understand, “I love you.” Delphine moans softly, lips immediately reattaching to Cosima’s, teasing at her lips, flicking her tongue gently into Cosima’s warm mouth. 

The pleasure hits her quickly, Delphine’s love, the insistent working of her hand. On the edge, Cosima pushes forward with a crushing kiss, hips working faster, spasms overtaking her, before collapsing on Delphine. 

Delphine smiles with relief at Cosima’s pleasure, she gathers her little love into her arms, laying them both down stroking at her back.

**

As Cosima catches her breath, she notices Delphine crying, unable to stop herself,  
“What’s wrong? Did you not like it?” Cosima props herself up, a hand going to stroke Delphine’s hair, concern filling her. No, no no... Not like this, Cosima begs silently. 

Delphine continues to cry, shaking her head, “Non... I liked it. A lot.”

“Then what’s wrong?” 

A teary smile on Delphine’s face, “I love you so much already Cosima... I’ve never been in love before.” At this Delphine sobs louder, clinging to her tighter as if separating from her body physically is the worst punishment she can imagine.

“Oh god...shhh.” Cosima tries to position them to muffle Delphine’s tears, “It’s okay...it’s okay.” She croons quietly. Is Delphine gay? Is she just the vehicle of discovery? Or is this craziness between them completely mutual?

“And you didn’t say it back.” The blonde looks grief-stricken now, looking up at her in horror.


	10. Chapter 10

Cosima hauls Delphine against her skin, shushing her and kissing her until she quiets in her arms. Love? Why did she have to say it, isn’t feeling like this enough? She doesn’t have long to figure out what to say, not with Delphine crying like this.

“It’s alright.” Cosima reassures, trying to find Delphine a way out of this, “I’m not mad or anything. I mean this stuff happens during sex, especially when it’s really good, and there’s like a lot of hormones and shit. And sometimes we say things we don’t mean and -” 

“But I meant it.” Delphine insists, calmed somewhat, “Please believe me... this...” The blonde seems briefly at a loss for words.

“Holy shit.” Cosima takes another deep breath. How can she deal with this? How can she tell Delphine she loves her and leave in another couple weeks? Won’t saying it make it so much worse? And what if Delphine is just figuring out she’s a lesbian? Could she even love her right now? If things are so confusing for her?

“And I thought... oh Cosima.” Delphine shakes her head tearing up again, “Depuis la première fois je t’ai vue, je t’aimais.”

“It’s okay,” Cosima croons, not truly understand what she was just told, but gathering Delphine in her arms anyways, “Delphine, we only have, what? 2 more weeks. Let’s just... take it easy.”

Delphine reaches for her desperately, “Why? Don’t you... don’t you feel this?” A hand strokes along the bare skin of her back, just as stimulating as earlier. Cosima shudders despite herself.  “Delphine, I can’t... I have feelings for you, I promise I do, but... ” Cosima responds automatically, shaking her head, it will hurt more, she adds to herself. Let it just be great sex, let her just be a freaking sex god, just let it be this.

“Was I... was it not good enough?”

“No... no...” Cosima presses tender kisses to the sweaty skin of Delphine’s forehead, “I was satisfied...okay?”

Delphine nods, and Cosima can tell she doesn’t really believe her.

“Should I go?” Delphine asks quietly.

“No, stay.” Cosima looks down Delphine’s bare body, “Let me just grab a blanket to stick over the wet spot.”

She disentangles herself briefly, enough to dig in her crate, nearly break her glasses and return with the promised blanket, folding it and laying it under Delphine.

“Hold me?” Cosima offers, laying down. She’s not willing to say how much she craves this, needs this. She lets the invitation sit.

Delphine nods, and crawls into her arms, laying her head on the brunette’s shoulder.  
Sleep comes quickly enough, but not so quickly that she can forget about Delphine’s lips sleepily kissing her neck, her shoulder. Or the look in her eyes as she looks up at Cosima.

**

She crawls from Cosima’s tent the first time she wakes in her arms, dressing herself as best she can in the dark. The goal of sneaking back to her own tent unseen clear in her mind.

Cosima stirs again, Delphine whimpers, it makes her want to touch, to stay, to admire her lover in the daylight... but getting caught...  
 She watches the smaller girl turn in sleep, seemingly reaching for her, and Delphine smiles, before slipping from the tent.

Feelings? What does Cosima even mean by that? Delphine wonders as she tugs on her boots and quickly dodges back for her own tent. Why doesn’t? Delphine shakes it off, she’ll never manage to get to sleep like that.

She crawls into her sleeping bag, and closes her eyes. She can still smell Cosima on her skin, on her fingers. Can she resist being with Cosima, even if she doesn’t love her back? Even if...

Even as she dresses, washes her hands twice and readies herself for the day, she eats breakfast alone, all she can think of is Cosima. Of course, the smaller woman is running late as usual. She sees her emerge from her tent in time to shovel porridge into her mouth and quickly rush off to site. Thought does she really want to see her now? If she doesn’t love her back. Aren’t coup de foudres always mutual? Why won’t Cosima...

No one seems to notice what has gone on during the night. As normal, students stumble from their tents for breakfast, and they trek out to the site, Cosima trailing slightly behind them.

“Okay,” Dr. Leekie instructs them, “Back to work, some of you will work with Delphine packing away the remains, the rest of you? You’re with Cosima and I in the new chamber.”

The students sort themselves quickly as they get to the burial site.

“So... Michelle... have a good night?” Jamie teases Michelle walking beside her.  
 Delphine swears her heart stop for a moment.

“What do you mean?” Michelle yawns in response.  
 

“Umm all the moaning? I woke up during the night and someone was getting some.” 

Michelle raises her eyebrow, “Wasn’t me.” 

“Well it was someone.” Greg adds in, “All I know is I wasn’t involved.”

“You hear anything Delphine?”

“Non. I was asleep.” She lies quickly, shaking her head, redirecting her mind to the task of packing away the bones for transport, loading them gently into padded crates to be shipped to the lab of Dr. Villeneuve.

It remains on her mind all day, shadowy memories of Cosima riding her hand, of Cosima moving over her, of pleasure and delight. Whenever her hand comes to close to her face she can still smell her, the lingering scent of Cosima’s pleasure. She’s distracted, barely thinking as she gently completes her task. Never before has her passion for her work been rivaled by anything. Never before has she felt anything like this.  
 

“Hey, you alright?” Cosima wanders in, “It’s almost lunch, want to join me?” 

Delphine bites her lip, “Do you want me to join you?” 

“Of course, Delphine...” Cosima lowers her voice, “I really like you. We’re good. I promise.” 

“Okay.” Delphine nods, pausing in her efforts, she accepts Cosima’s offered hand, and clambering to her feet follows her out into the sunlight.

They can’t talk, not really, but they sit and eat. The silence isn’t unbearable, but Delphine finds herself flushing as she looks at Cosima. She can still smell the brunette on her skin.

Cosima catches her smelling her hand, unable to help herself Cosima begins to laugh.

“What?” 

“Just... I know... yeah?”

It’s not much of an answer, not from Cosima. Not if she doesn’t love her back. Won’t love her? She’s not even sure anymore.

“Any more burials?” Delphine changes the subject as she watches Aldous eyeing them closely. Does he know? Had he heard them?

“Nothing yet, Leekie’s getting cranky. It seems this site was well looted.”

“There was some jewelry on the spear woman.” Delphine volunteers, “I’ve bagged and labelled it for him to look at.”

“Anything specific?”  “Gold bracelet. I think it’s gold...” Delphine takes a break to take a long swig from her water bottle.

“Back to work girls!” Leekie shouts at them from a few metres away, “We have a whole new chamber to excavate here!”

**

It’s dark before they have the chance to talk, Cosima’s tried several times. First when Delphine came back from doing her laundry at Leekie’s with Michelle and Greg. Then again during dinner. She couldn’t seem to corner the blonde long enough. Finally, the students had dissipated, few wanting to stay up later than necessary.

“Hey, Delphine.” Cosima tries approaching her as she sits next to her by the fire. Delphine working intently on her field journal.

“Any new theories, Cosima?” Delphine keeps attempting to seem casual, unbothered as if she hadn’t fallen apart beneath her last night. As if she hadn’t... Cosima muffles a sigh.

“Delphine we need to talk about this.” Cosima insists, pushing herself closer to Delphine.

“I don’t want to.” Delphine nearly sobs back at her. No... no that’s not what she wants at all.

Cosima presses what she hopes is a comforting hand to a shaking shoulder, “It’s okay, I know, the first time you have sex with a woman and you realized that was what you wanted it can get kinda emotional.”

“No!” Delphine exclaims inching closer, “It’s not women I want, Cosima, it’s you!”

“Oh.” Cosima takes a breath, before she forces their mouths together, Delphine doesn’t resist, she throws herself into the kiss. A deft tongue parts her lips, reaching in to tangle with her own, arms wrap around her and she moans softly into Delphine’s kiss.

Eventually they part to draw breath, resting against each other panting. Soft fingers caress her face, her lips.

“Cosima.” Delphine breathes softly.

“Oh...wow.” A voice interrupts their moment.

It’s only then that they notice Scott, staring at them gaping from across the fire.

“Shit!” Cosima exclaims, quickly pulling away from Delphine, but it’s too late.

“I was just brushing my teeth...” Scott bumbles, “I ...”

“Scott,” Delphine says softly, and Cosima wonders what she’ll say next, what excuse will she throw out for kissing her so intensely?

“I’m...so sorry,” Scott tries again, “It’s okay.... I won’t.... I won’t tell.” He decides suddenly, looking at them with a nod, “Goodnight Cosima, Delphine.”

“What?” Delphine blinks in surprise as she watches Scott retreat towards his tent.

“Wow...” Cosima muses, “I thought we were done for there.”   
“I didn’t, I don’t care Cosima. I don’t care who knows.” Delphine cups Cosima’s face in her hand as she lays another gentle kiss against her lips.

“You can’t say that... seriously.” Cosima shakes her head, “We have to be careful...” She warns, though when Delphine is looking at her like that she wonders if they’ll manage any sort of caution.


	11. Chapter 11

She’s kissing her again, almost carelessly, lying down by the dying campfire. Though, in the dark, who is really there to see them?

Careful, Cosima had told her. What, with free love, and Scott assuring them he’d never tell? Dangerous? Probably. In the dark here? Much less so.

“Delphine, we have to be more careful.” Cosima murmurs between intensifying kisses, she makes no attempt to slow down, to decrease their passion or to sneak back to the tent.

What she wants to say is forbidden, at least it feels that way. I love you so much, Delphine thinks instead as she pulls Cosima in against her, pressing their bodies back to front.

“Ohh.” Cosima lets out a little sigh as she kisses her neck, increases the pressure of their contact.

She lets her hand dart down, unfastening Cosima’s pants quickly before slipping inside. This time, she explores, playing gently with the wiry hair as Cosima rocks her ass back against her.

Cosima moans slightly, “What are you doing?” She delights in the contact, one arm under and wrapped around Cosima, the other quickly approaching her sex.

“Touching you.” She responds, moving to part Cosima, to stroke her, groaning into the back of her neck. I’m going to make love to you until you come in my arms, Delphine thinks, laying urgent kisses to the back of Cosima’s neck, to her cheeks and jaw. She rolls her hips forward and is pleased by the reaction.

“Yes... yes.” Cosima chants, “Exactly like that.”

“Yes.” Delphine husks back at her, she keeps stroking at Cosima, rocking into her, moaning into her hair. They’re not even naked, but it doesn’t seem to matter, not when Cosima is moving into her hand, or groaning at each roll of her own hips. She forgets her clumsiness, her inexperience, for the moment.

She feels Cosima’s body tighten and arch back against her, feels her start to shake in her arms. She’s briefly surprised with how easy it is, she isn’t even inside of her... Delphine hums her slight disappointment, but when Cosima sags back in her arms, she lets herself fall forward, lets her hand slip upwards out of Cosima’s pants. Her hand lingers, pressing against firm soft skin with sticky fingers.

“Tent.” Cosima leans back enough to make eye contact, before climbing shakily to her feet. She crawls into Delphine’s tent instead of her own, and Delphine simply grins, throwing the water bucket on the fire, and follows Cosima as quickly as she can.

 

**

  
She undresses herself while she waits, and when Delphine stumbles into the tent laughing she clamps a hand over her mouth. She can’t resist her, and they’ve talked...enough Cosima reasons to herself. She can have Delphine, she grins at the thought.

“Very quiet.” Cosima reminds her as she releases her hand, guiltily she wants Delphine to love her. Cannot stop herself from craving it.

“Any way you want!” Delphine assures her claiming her lips again as Cosima works the buttons of her shirt, shucking it off before starting on her pants.

She knows her own hunger well, she longs to undress Delphine, to press her face into her sex, to taste her. But Delphine, even once undressed does not permit her to top her, intent on exploring Cosima’s own body.

Cosima shudders at the little kisses Delphine lays against her clavicles, her sternum, her neck. Shouldn’t she be tired? Cosima was exhausted, and yet made no effort to stop Delphine, encouraging her with little noises, and stroking at her hair.

Delphine drops her head, and suddenly there’s a hot mouth on her nipple and she gasps aloud. So much for sleeping.

“Oh god...” Cosima tangles her fingers in Delphine’s hair, keeping her close, encouraging her gentle exploration. She’s gay, isn’t she? Cosima wonders again... is she just thinking that because she herself wants Delphine to be?

“Let me, let me touch you now.” Cosima insists finally tugging Delphine up from her breasts.

Delphine nods adjusting their position, without relinquishing her hold on Cosima.

“Anything I want?” Cosima whispers again.

“Oui.” Delphine answers her with kisses, with enthusiastic hands in her hair, on her body.

She begins to kiss down Delphine’s body, grinning into her skin. “Oh Delphine...” She moans softly, sucking a nipple contently into her mouth, inching her mouth ever closer to a thatch of brown curls and the heady smell of Delphine’s arousal. She lets her fingers dig into the flesh of Delphine’s hips as she adjusts moving her body down to kneel between the blonde’s pale thighs. She wishes she could see her, but it’s too dark... It’ll be a bit awkward to do in a tent, but she’ll make it work, Cosima decides.

“Qu’est-ce que... what are you doing?” Delphine catches her by the shoulders as she passes her navel.

“I’m going to put my mouth on you.” Cosima groans back with a mischievous expression, pulling her head down again.

“Non.” Delphine shakes her head emphatically, “Don’t. Don’t stare at me.”

“I’m not going to stare at you.” Cosima moves up, temporarily, she assures herself, “I want to do this... Please.”

“No...” Delphine begins to cry, eyes watering, “Je n’en veux pas. Je n’en veux pas.” As she becomes more upset she gets louder, the blonde seems terrified, Cosima realizes suddenly.

“Fuck,” Cosima curses, moving up Delphine’s body, moving to hold her in her arms instead, “Have you never done that before?”

Delphine shakes her head, “Rémy used to...”   
“Did he hurt you? Did he bite you or something? I won’t. I can be so gentle.” Cosima assures her, her voice barely a whisper, “Mouths can be so very gentle.”

“No, not his mouth, but he’d...” Delphine trails off, probably looking for words, “Crouch between my legs and ...stare at...”

“Like just stare?” Cosima sits up, a quizzical and amused expression spreading across her own face rapidly. “The whole time?”  
 Delphine nods, “He’d use his fingers but... I never liked it.”

“And he couldn’t even lick you while he was down there? What a chump.”

“A chump?” Delphine’s brow furrows again.

“An idiot.” Cosima reiterates, “I mean he’s stupid Delphine, I mean you obviously didn’t like it... and just staring at your pussy is so...”

“My what?” Delphine is still upset, but now her face betrays intense confusion.

“Never mind, more slang. Really vulgar.” Cosima shakes it off, “Do you want me to go?”

“No, I want you to hold me.” Delphine asks, and she obliges cuddling the naked woman in her arms.

“I’m sorry, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” Cosima promises with a kiss to Delphine’s cheek, as she strokes her curls.

**

_They stumble giddily into the small room, she falls onto the floor laughing as she begins to remove her clothing, they’re done for the now. The costume leaves little to the imagination, as she slides the skirt down her legs. Still, there’s no where she’d rather be, or anyone she’d rather share this with. The small room is dimly lit, a golden glow casting out on it. She catches sight of things, the wooden floor, a changing screen, more clothing._

_Cosima grins at her, undressing more quickly, as she peels off her own similar clothing until she’s bare. And Delphine cannot stop herself from laughing as Cosima clambers over her, undoing her corset strings and looking down into her face, until the garment hangs open, trapped between Delphine’s body and the floor._

_She’s filled with a sense of joy and contentment, and giggles again as Cosima crawls towards her lower body, dropping her head between her thighs. A sweet tongue dancing intricate patterns against her most intimate flesh. This is perfect, so perfect, she thinks happily._  
_She shudders with pleasure, looking up at Cosima’s sex hovering over her own body. Delphine reaches up to grab hold of her waist, and pulls her own mouth up to make contact. She returns the pleasure gladly, joyously, for a few brief seconds until Cosima releases her in surprise, looking back down at her, shocked, still hovering over her naked body._

_Oh._

What was that, Delphine wonders as she wakes. When was that? Were they dancers? Prostitutes? She shakes her head in the early grey light. Une autre vie? Plusiers vies avec Cosima? Les vies antérieures? They’d both definitely been women there... Delphine flushes at the thought, she hadn’t been afraid in that dream.

Cosima sleeps next to her, having not moved from her spot last night. Is that what she really wants, Delphine wonders, Cosima’s sex in her mouth? Or was it just another weird creation of her subconscious.

“Cosima,” Delphine whispers softly, giving Cosima a shake. Is that what they are? Des âmes-soeurs? Is that why she loves so much so quickly?

The brunette moans in her sleep and tugs her closer before blinking her eyes open. “Delphine.” Cosima smiles, “I... I’m sorry I shouldn’t have tried pushing you... we don’t have to do-”

She interrupts impatiently, “Non, I have a question for you. It’s not about sex.” She rubs Cosima’s back comfortingly, she’s not mad - Cosima’s desires were... they were perfectly natural, she reasons to herself. Even if they make her uncomfortable.

“What is it?” Cosima murmurs back.

“Do you believe in other lives? Past lives?”

“What?!” It’s Cosima’s turn to appear completely confused.


	12. Chapter 12

“Past lives.” Delphine repeats again, a little more quietly.

“Umm... never really thought about it. Why?” Cosima can’t deny she’s intrigued by the possibility, but...she’s... well she doesn’t ascribe to any particular belief system.

“I keep having these dreams,” Delphine whispers, looking at the canvas of the tent, “Some we are us... and others...we’re...”

“Not us?” Cosima volunteers helpfully, “Dreams are weird.” She pulls Delphine into her arms, laying a soft kiss to her forehead.

“But the things I’ve dreamt about...” Delphine starts, then shakes her head.

“Who knows. Maybe.” Cosima offers kindly, with another kiss.

“Are you going to sneak back to your own tent?”

“I should.” Cosima kisses her once more, sweetly on the mouth and slips away to dress. She’s in love with Delphine, but Delphine is crazy. Holy shit.

**

She’s unsure if she can risk sleeping with Delphine again here, on site. Cosima watches Delphine watch her, from across the new burial chamber. Watches her excavate with precision - educating the students as she goes. She’s amazing, Cosima grins, Delphine is amazing...

Dr. Leekie interrupts her, redirecting her to the map of the site she’s supposed to be looking at, “We only have time for a couple more of these chambers, I want to excavte these three here.” Leekie points to them on his hand-drawn map.

“Okay,” Cosima nods, “We going to divvy up the students?”’

“Yes, each of us,” Leekie points at Delphine implying her involvement, “Will take a small team of students, and a chamber - that will be started tomorrow. This one is another dead end. Just burials.”

“Okay.” Cosima tries not to let her disappointment show on her face, he’s separating them. But he hasn’t said anything... does he know? Had he heard them?

“Actually, we should do something now,” Leekie pauses before calling out to the group, “Everyone come here!”  
 Students stumble over, followed by Delphine, looking sweaty and gorgeous as she emerges back into the sun.

“What is it?” Delphine asks, students echoing her curiosity.

Leekie announces, “So we’re dividing up the groups and maybe this site won’t be a complete waste.”

“So how are we dividing the students?” Delphine asks.

“I’ll post a list in the lab tent in the morning,” Aldous eyes the group, “And one more thing, we’re having noise complaints on site. This stops now.”

“Oh it’s free love, man.” Kevin pops in, “You can’t expect us to stop being human.”

Leekie regards the group seriously, “And I know free love is the thing you kids are ‘digging’ but... can you keep it down? Noise travels on a camp site.”  
 “Can’t diss free love.” Karen adds in, “Try to stop it? We’ll just do it louder.”

She looks to Cosima, but Cosima only smiles and tilts her head in that irresistible way.

“It’s not a waste, we found a female warrior burial.” Cosima protests, “That’s good enough in itself for a paper.”

“We found a woman buried next to a spear.” Leekie brushes off her protests, “Take lunch, and we’ll divvy up afterwards. Get this going.”

“I mean no one should diss free love.” Greg shakes his head, “I mean...”

Cosima gestures to Delphine, to follow, to join her away from the group.

“I don’t care about free love.” Delphine admits quietly to Cosima.

“No? I did the free love thing. And the weird parties that led to sex thing...” Cosima shrugs, “It was ...easy? I guess.”

“Too time consuming, I had other things I’d have rather be doing than have sex.” Delphine admits quietly, “I was... I was never this into it before.”

Cosima grins, “Yeah, well it might not happen again for a while. I don’t want us to get caught and chucked off site.”

“Me neither.” Delphine responds sadly, shaking her head.

“So we’ll have to be careful. We can still spend time together but...” Cosima tilts her head in an apologetic fashion.

“Non...” Delphine’s eyes change instantly, “But...what if...?”

“Too risky.” Cosima whispers back, “Okay?”

“Okay.” Delphine agrees but she can tell she doesn’t mean it. 

  
**

  
They last two days, two days of quick kisses and increased frustration, of trying to wear themselves out the best they can. Cosima begins to snap at her students more, but all she can think of is Delphine, of having Delphine again.

The no more ‘free love’ policy has only one other effect; Kevin and Michelle seem to have taken up having somewhat loud sex in protest. She lies awake listening to it, itching to jump out of her sleeping bag and crawl to Delphine’s tent.

Delphine’s students seem to be having an easier time of it, they’ve even uncovered a couple more burials, there appears to be only one in her own chamber - students growing ever more restless as the days drag on.

“They’re looted.” Leekie grumbles one night during dinner, “Whole site seems to be looted.”

“We have some minor grave goods,” Delphine reminds him, “Jewelry, a few weapons, some pottery.” 

“Nothing substantial.” Leekie waves his hand dismissively, “I suppose this has been worth it for you, hasn’t it? It’s an okay learning dig... that’s all.”

Delphine shrugs, Leekie’s flirtation has lost its edge, and she wonders again, does he know? Is that it?

The evenings seem to drag on, students scribbling in their field journals, Leekie smoking near the lab tent. Delphine vanishes before she has the chance to talk with her. It’s not as painful as her previous avoidance, but it still stings. Does Delphine not trust her to behave herself?

She hasn’t even gotten her off since the first time... She’s only had her once, Cosima bristles slightly at the thought. Though tonight, she doesn’t bother trying to stay up late, simply brushes her teeth next to Scott who merely shrugs at her and returns to her tent to sleep.

She opens the tent, crawling in as normal and has begun to undress before she realizes that her sleeping bag isn’t empty.

“Delphine...” She hisses, “You can’t be here.” A blonde tousled head pops up to look at her.

“We can just sleep.” Delphine offers softly, “I just want to hold you. Please.”

Cosima shakes her head knowingly, “We won’t just sleep.”

“I rented us a room near Ostia Antica for the weekend, can you wait another day? We can leave tomorrow afternoon. I’ve arranged everything.” Delphine sits up, revealing that she is still clad in pajamas.

She rushes at Delphine, kissing frantically for several moments. Pausing to listen for sounds of other people awake, “I can’t...” Too many voices, too much laughter still to be heard outside.

“Just lie down with me,” Delphine cajoles her, opening her sleeping bag and scooting back to make room for her. She crawls into Delphine’s arms, presses her face to her neck and inhales deeply.

Is there enough other noise to muffle them? Cosima considers, she’s well aware most students are still awake.  
 “Okay,” Cosima cuddles in closely. She cannot deny her arousal anymore than Delphine can hide her own. She’s not sure whose hips begin rocking first, only that before long they are both caught up in rocking hips and deep kisses and hands finding their way under pyjamas.

“I was so tired but...” Delphine whispers into her ear, disbelief in her voice, “I don’t want to stop.”

“Shh...” Cosima shushes her an idea forming, “Bite me...” She commands, one hand maneuvering its way into Delphine’s pajama pants.

Delphine breathers her response, hips momentarily stopping, “What?”

She presses Delphine’s face into her neck before continuing, “Bite me to muffle your noise.”

She can touch her like this, gentle stroking and rocking hips. Delphine kisses and sucks, she doesn’t really bite. Not until she’s tense and on the edge; letting her teeth clamp down hard as her rhythm falters, a low moan muffles by her skin. She feels her pleasure, spasming, a rush of fluid...

Cosima whimpers despite herself, when Delphine’s body relaxes she releases her immediately, “I’m sorry... I’m sorry.” Delphine mumbles pressing kisses to the bruise she’s no doubt created.  
 “Don’t be sorry.” Cosima tries to reassure Delphine as she helps strip her out of her wet pajama pants. Maybe she should have undressed her first, it seemed that making love to Delphine was going to be messy, consistently. She tosses them aside, hoping they dry during the night.

“What is... I’ll grab the blanket.” Delphine stretches up to grab it, laying it beneath them.

“Don’t worry about it.” Cosima kisses her sweetly, as they move to resettle on the blanket, “It’s okay, sleep now.”

“What about you?”

Cosima shakes her head, “That’s enough for me, for now. I can wait for tomorrow.” She wraps her arms around the strong lithe body next to hers and sighs.  
 Delphine whispers again, “Cosima?”

“Yeah?”

“Why didn’t you penetrate me?” Delphine whispers softly as they cuddle up.

“Didn’t have to.” Cosima yawns pressing a sleepy kiss to a soft cheek and tugging Delphine close.

“But don’t you want to ...”   
“Sometimes, yes. Sex to you is... penetration now?” Cosima asks, her voice a low whisper.

She feels rather than sees Delphine nod, “I like it.”

“It’s not all there is Delphine... with ...with women it centres around female pleasure. Whatever that entails... it’s a sometimes thing for me. It’s kind of ...an invasion, you know?” Cosima explains quietly, punctuating her words with soft kisses pressed to Delphine’s face.

“Don’t you like having me inside you?” Delphine props herself up briefly, hot breath on her own lips.

A quick jolt of arousal shudders through her body, “Shh. Delphine... I need sleep.” Cosima tries to calm herself down, steady breaths, keeping her hands loosely around her lover.

“But...” Delphine lips kiss her own lightly, teasingly. Drawing out the kiss, the increasing frustration.

“Yes. Sleep.” Cosima reiterates when Delphine’s released her.

Delphine lets out a slow breath and closes her eyes, clinging to her tightly, “I don’t know if I can.”

“You can.” Cosima reassures her, “Sleep here or sleep in your tent.”

It was going to be a very long day, Cosima realizes, of knowing what was waiting at the end of it.

 

**

They arrive in a small town, near Ostia Antica, grinning as they approach the large house. It’s not a hotel, Cosima realizes quickly, is this going to be a problem? Why are they staying here? But it’s beautiful, a small town near the Mediterranean sea, and she’s with Delphine. Alone.

“I can’t believe you rented us a room.” Cosima exclaims again giddily clambering from the small rental car. 

“I had to do something, Cosima,” Delphine breathes, “I was going crazy... now we have all weekend.”

“Oh.” Cosima closes her mouth, she watches as Delphine checks in with the older woman renting rooms, watches her argue for a moment gesturing emphatically, before getting the keys so that they can drop off their stuff.

“Why so long?”

“Oh, she’s practically deaf.” Delphine looks to Cosima and smiles, “Very hard of hearing.”

“Then... how did you book here?”

“Very loudly. And she put her son on the phone.” Delphine answers honestly, pulling Cosima up the stairs by the hand. They reach their room quickly, freed from having to worry about noise. It’s a small room, one bed a nice window, a closet, a lamp, simple... but perfect all the same, Cosima decides.

“Do you want to eat first or like...just?” Cosima grins at her, pointing at the bed, Delphine feels a sharp pang of arousal at her words, but they should eat, they must eat.

“We should eat... we’ll need the energy.” Delphine raises an eyebrow flirtatiously, and pulls Cosima from the cozy room, and it’s full-sized bed, back down the stairs to find a place to eat.

They eat, and quickly return to their rented room. As soon as the door is closed they’re kissing, mouths meeting and clinging as they begin to strip off their clothes.

“Cosima...” Delphine moans, caressing her skin, quick fingers working to undress them both as they stumble back towards the bed. 

“Turn the lamp on.” Cosima nudges her, breaking away to quickly close the curtains, before someone sees them. She watches her remove her bra, her underwear. She stands before her completely naked, she can finally see the colour of her nipples, the tuft of dark hair between her thighs, everything she’s touched in darkness.

“The sun isn’t down yet,” Delphine shakes her head, “We don’t need it.” She admires Cosima as she finishes slipping out of her own clothes, letting white cotton panties fall to the floor.  

“I need it. I need to see you, to look at you. Oh god.” Cosima is looking down at her, hands running now familiar paths along her body, eyes following along. The brunette’s own hand turns on the lamp.

“Cosima... I know you said you want it but...”

“Well... I have an idea.” Cosima offers, laying herself down on the bed, “Why don’t you look at me?”

Delphine shakes her head, “I don’t want to.”

“What, you think it’s ugly?” Cosima asks, “Who told you it was ugly?”

“No.. but... c’est une vulve...” Delphine grimaces, “It’s...genitals.”

“Just take a look.” Cosima cajoles her, spreading her legs as she scoots back further on the mattress making room for Delphine to sit.

She acquiesces, moving to look between Cosima’s legs, glancing quickly down at her sex, peeking out from the curly hair that surrounds it. It’s barely a glimpse, and she blushes.

Cosima reaches down and spreads herself, “You can look at me. You’ve touched it... take a look.” 

“Oh.” Delphine breathes considering, she’s touched Cosima, it’s true. And now she looks softly down at her sex.

“Is it ugly to you?” Cosima asks her, but Delphine isn’t sure whether she is teasing or seeking reassurance.

“It’s not ugly.” Delphine breathes laying a hand on Cosima thigh, “It’s ...” Delphine considers, playing with a few curls, brushing them out of the way.

“It’s what?” Cosima releases her hand smiling.

“Yours.” Delphine smiles, she lets her fingers just barely graze across Cosima’s sex, gentle and sweet.

“My what?” Cosima teases, with a quick intake of breath.

“Ta vulve.” Delphine makes a silly face, then hesitating, “Ta chatte.”

“My what?” Cosima’s serious now, looking for a translation.  “Chatte. Cat. Female cat. But it’s slang.”

“Pussy? Also cat.” Cosima giggles, “And vulva.”

“Pussy?” Delphine giggles madly, “Chatte? C’est la même!”  
 Cosima snorts, “Well it works...”

“It’s kind of pretty.” Delphine glances down again, stroking Cosima again, more firmly this time. She can feel her arousal, see it, smell it. She inhales deeply, savouring the scent, trying to commit it to memory, “I like your smell.”

Cosima hesitates, before asking, “Kiss me.”  
 She moves up instantly, pressing their lips together, allowing her body to settle on top of Cosima’s. They move together for a few moments, rocking hips and groping hands.

“Let me?” Cosima asks gently, rolling her over, quickly moving to tuck a pillow under Delphine’s head as she laughs happily in response. Kissing down Delphine’s body, inhaling deeply, “You’re gorgeous.”

She can do this, she can give herself to Cosima, however she wants it. Delphine thinks, letting her own hands trace soft patterns on the skin of her lover’s back. Cosima will take care of her, she knows it... and yet...

Cosima appears to be speaking to a nipple, which she promptly traps between her lips moaning, “So pink...”

She can’t help herself from laughing, and Cosima is smiling back up at her between laying enthused kisses against her breasts, against her body. Cosima sucks at her again, it feels good but she finds herself laughing more than gasping at the sensation.

“Cosima.” She croons, playing with Cosima’s hair, watching her.

“Can I try...again?” Cosima asks, “I can close my eyes, if you want. Like, I don’t know if that would help...but if that’s it we can try it that way.”

“Okay.” Delphine breathes her response, a memory of a dream, the curiosity winning her over.

Cosima kisses her way down slowly, so slowly that Delphine wonders if she only means to tease, before dropping her body down. “I want to do it... but ...you have to want it.” Cosima tells her gently, teasing around her hips with slow kisses. Her eyes flicker back open, as a pale hand strokes her hair.

“Oh?”

“Do you want my mouth on you?” Cosima adjusts their bodies, settling herself between her thighs.

She only moans, shivering at the little kisses Cosima lays around her navel. She’s entirely exposed to her now in lamplight.

“Moaning is good... not a yes though...” Cosima mumbles, adjusting to kiss down from her knee.

She’s sure Cosima could look at her now if she wanted, but the darker hazel eyes remain locked on her own.

“Perfect.” Cosima reassures her from between her legs, “You are perfect.”

Cosima kisses her thigh gently, “Yes?”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?” Cosima drops her head, moving closer.

“Je veux que tu me lèche la chatte.” Delphine groans finally.

“Okay... I understood maybe two of those words...”

“Yes, Cosima. Fais-le. I want you.” She encourages her, it’s true, for Cosima, she’ll try.

She feels a wet tongue flick against her, gasping in response, she looks down to see Cosima’s nose buried in curls, Cosima’s eyes shining brightly as she hums her pleasure.

She’s... enjoying this? Delphine puzzles and then she feels it again. Cosima’s tongue, Cosima’s lips, movements gradually growing more fervent.

“Cosima...” She moans simply, reaching down for her, for some connection. She’s answered by the press of a strong hand to her belly, Cosima simply hums at her, moaning as she continues. She holds her eyes, there’s affection there, contentment, Delphine decides letting herself relax into unfamiliar pleasure.

Her thighs shake, her body tightens, and Cosima doesn’t stop - doesn’t slow down her steady motions, her flicking tongue and sweet mouth. She wants Cosima in her arms, has to have her in her arms, her hands grab for whatever parts of Cosima they can reach, her hands, her hair... Her hips won’t stay still under Cosima’s mouth, jerking up in time with their movements. Terrified she’s going to hurt her, she tries to pull Cosima up, but the brunette refuses to release her, trying to soothe her fears with soft stroking hands.

It’s too much, too intense, Delphine knows, she’s soon quivering on the edge, trying to stifle her moans. She breaks, crying out loudly, all trembling limbs and shaking thighs.  
 

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” Delphine reaches down to touch Cosima, to love and stroke her, to have her in her arms again. Cosima’s tongue keeps teasing against her oversensitive sex, making her cry out again.  
 Cosima finally releases her breathing heavy, face pressed just above the tangle of curls.  
“

Thank you...” Cosima mumbles into her skin when she begins to move up.

“What?” Delphine is confused and breathless, lying on the bed.

“Thank you... I love that.” Cosima props up her head, face still wet and breathing heavy. “I wanted that so much... tasting you. Having you in my mouth.”  
 Unable to help herself, Delphine moans loudly in response, hauling Cosima back against her. A brief moment of hesitation later and she’s kissing her, tasting herself, but unbothered as she clings more tightly to her love, her beautiful Cosima.

“Did you like it?” Cosima asks softly kissing her face.

“Yes.” Delphine breathes, returning the gentle affection offered to her, “Yes.”

 

**  
 Cosima wakes slowly in the light, the sun has been up for hours as they’ve drifted in and out of consciousness. She can still taste Delphine in her mouth, Delphine who is currently spooning her from behind, laying sleepy kisses against her neck.

“Je t’aime.” She hears Delphine whisper the words, holding her impossibly closer.

“Do you want to get breakfast?” Cosima murmurs into her pillow.

“Let’s wait a little while,” Delphine begs, “I want to hold you like this a little longer.”

“We can have a siesta this afternoon,” Cosima reminds her, “And we have another night... and Sunday.”

“Alright... let’s eat and get going. I want to show you Ostia Antica.”

**

It’s standing on Roman roads behind Delphine that she feels it most. The absolute delight of this moment, of her life. The rush of love whenever she looks at Delphine at its strongest. Surrounded by frescos and Roman roads, little houses and buildings and public washrooms of the ancient port city.  
 “It’s amazing!” Cosima exclaims reaching for Delphine’s hand and squeezing it, “I can’t believe how huge it is. A port city, an entire city!”

“Yes.. closer than Pompeii, otherwise I’d take you there too. They’re both amazing.” Delphine happily leads her around, “When we excavated here it was a year ago, other end of the city. They still dig here. But... it’s incredible.”

“You’d have been very tall in Ostia Antica.” Cosima observes, standing in a low doorway, Delphine’s head nearly grazes the top of the door.

“People were smaller.” Delphine smiles, “You’d fit right in.”

“Hey!” Cosima sticks out her tongue, “No wonder we can’t dig here. Leekie would never fit.”

Delphine nearly doubles over with laughter,“No... he’d never fit through the doors.”

“Plus he’s annoying. I doubt the Italian team here could stand him for long.”

“Well.. it’s worth it.” Delphine nods, “For the dig and for...” She breaks off, looking at Cosima, cheeks reddening.

 “So what is your reason for the dig?” She tries to guide their topics back to the socially acceptable. Tries not to think of last night, of Delphine’s hips bucking up into her face, Delphine’s sex swollen beneath her tongue, Delphine’s come filling her mouth. Cosima suppresses a small moan at the thought.

“It’s a good population to study ancient diseases.” Delphine elaborates, “Arthritis, malnutrition, trauma... See what exists.”

“So bones are the key. Even without gravegoods.”   
“Yes. They are. But they’re going to the lab, to Dr. Villeneuve... but I’ll probably get to use them, for study.”

“Lucky you. I doubt I’ll even get a mention in the paper.” Cosima grumbles on their way to the water.

There’s an open air theatre, a semi-circle of ascending steps they climb happily, glancing over at each other. They meander past frescos, and fountains and a public lavatory.  
 Cosima grins, pulling Delphine into a shadowy doorway off the main path, kissing her, letting her lips tease slowly, her tongue invade Delphine’s mouth. Enjoying the moans that follow, the hands enthusiastically clasping her body in the morning sun.

“Come, I want to show you something else, before it gets too hot.” Delphine pulls her reluctantly away from the courtyards and doorways, away from the city centre, along the old Roman roads.

They wander towards the coastline, laughing and joking alone the way. Delphine doubles over at her Leekie impression and they disturb the few other sightseers that have made their way out here.

“Oh it’s gorgeous.” Cosima looks out at the water.  
 

“It’s the Mediterranean Sea.” Delphine informs her gently, ducking down to take off her shoes to wade in the water, “It was a port city after all.”

Alone, there’s nothing to stop her from reaching out to take Delphine’s offered hand, to strip off her own socks and boots and walk with Delphine. The shallow water is warm, beating on the beach in slow waves. She pulls Delphine into her arms, knowing that they’re alone, that it’s safe enough, for now.  
 But when Cosima looks up into Delphine’s face, she finds herself stuck. Unwilling to look away, not wanting to move beyond this. Beyond Delphine’s face in the sun, sunlight catching her dyed blonde curls, causing more freckles to pop up on her face and arms.

“Je t’aime.” Delphine says quietly, shattering the moment, pressing a soft kiss to Cosima’s forehead, “Please believe that.” 

“I do believe you.” Cosima swallows, trying to clear emotion from her voice.


	13. Chapter 13

It’s hot, so hot no one is getting anything done. Students half-heartedly excavate the last 3 burials as she looks on. Nothing stunning here, just another looted site. Though - on the skeletal level she may find what she needs for her own thesis research. There’s only one chamber for both of them now - and half the students. The other half work with Leekie in the far chamber.

Delphine glances over at Cosima, standing outside stretching as she glances in at her students. Two days, it’s been less than two days since they returned to site, and her undeniable hunger for Cosima is getting unbearable once again. She cannot bear the thought of Cosima leaving in less than a week, getting on a plane and returning to her home, never seeing her again.

Since returning from Ostia Antica she finds herself increasingly distracted by memories of Cosima’s noises, Cosima’s pleasure. Her goal to sate their longing had backfired, it only increases, Delphine realizes. She will never have enough of Cosima, and time is running out. She’s run it through in her mind, if she can just finish her Master’s enough, she could arrange to do her PhD in the United States. Be near Cosima, be with Cosima... But that would take what? Two years? Maybe less... but there were no guarantees. Would Cosima wait for her? Could either of them live with such a long separation? Other options already discounted, she couldn’t use Leekie to facilitate a switch to another Master’s program, not now... She doubts he’s still interested in helping her, even more that Cosima could tolerate whatever getting his help would entail. And still, time, it would take... six months? Delphine theorizes.

She tries to return her attention to the remains, students excavating now with steady hands. Methodically. They’d certainly learned, Delphine smiles at that. Cosima excavates with steady hands, she observes, same as when she’s photographing, or sketching out their burials, the same as when she’s... loving her.

 Cosima had wanted her, unsure hands and gentle touches. Though whenever she’d attempted to talk of their limited time together, Cosima had hushed her, kissed her until the desire to speak openly was taken over by something more primal.

She looks at Lisa and Greg with jealousy now, able to touch whenever they want, casually lay outside kissing if they decide to. Cosima had assured her it was just sex - they were just sticking it to Leekie, likely without even knowing what had caused the ban on ‘free love’ on site.

“Hey lovebirds, back to work.” Cosima glares at Greg until both of his hands return to the work at hand, “We have three more days to excavate these burials and then that’s it. I don’t care what you do - as long it gets done.”

“We’ll be done in plenty of time,” Delphine interrupts, “Probably finished before noon on Friday at this pace.”

“Oh good,” Michelle whispers to Jamie, “I want to spend my last weekend in Rome, what about you? Kevin said we should take the train to Venice... I mean, when are we going to get a chance to be in Italy?”

“With Luca.” Jamie smirks, using a brush to delicately clean sediment from her burial’s pelvis.

The chattering fades into the background again as she looks at Cosima, crouched over a burial, seemingly observing something. Skeletal trauma? Grave good? Usually, she’d want to take a look, but the oppressive heat seems to have affected her mind.

“Cosima... I think I need to check something in the lab tent.” Delphine stands, glancing over at the mostly uncovered burial, “Will you be okay here?”

A couple students eye them, the rest either don’t notice or seem to care about the romance between their TAs.

“Oh, do you need help?” Cosima jumps to her feet, seemingly knowing what she has planned.

 

**

Scott grabs her arm as she moves to stand, “Uh Cosima, where are you going?”

“I have to go help Delphine.” Cosima shrugs. The other students ignore this exchange. She’s fairly certain some of them suspect, but the others have never tied the two of them with the sounds of pleasure that interrupted their sleep. At least, conclusively.

“You know you should be more careful.” Scott advises, a nervous expression on his face, “Karen and a few of the others are saying things… I mean you disappeared off for a weekend together…”

“Leekie is so wrapped up in this dig he won’t notice a thing. And we went to Ostia Antica, toured around." Cosima assures him climbing to her feet.

“Cosima... it’s the middle of the day-” Scott tries again.

“Great time to lift crates and reorganize the lab tent. Back to work Scotty.” Cosima pats him on the head, making him laugh forcefully before quickly jogging after Delphine. It’s a ten minute walk back to camp at most, and she keeps a reasonable distance until they’ve reached the campsite.

“Oh good, you followed me.” Delphine turns around and grins at her once they’ve reached the site, pulling her into her arms and kissing her soundly.

“It’s too hot.” Cosima laughs, kissing Delphine back gently, even as she starts to strip sweaty clothes from Delphine’s body. Starts backing the blonde towards her own tent, pausing to unzip the vestibule.

“Non... never.” Delphine breaks away breathing heavily, “We need to talk about-”

“Nope. No talking.” Cosima insists, claiming her lips again, teasing until Delphine’s mouth is open to her, until her tongue plays with her own. She doesn’t want to talk, she wants to pretend, pretend that this can last forever, that her stolen moments with Delphine can continue on indefinitely.

“Mais...” Delphine manages to tear her lips away briefly, “We only have-” 

Cosima catches her chin, “No.” She tells Delphine clearly, she doesn’t want to ruin this. Doesn’t want to think about next week, or the sinking feeling inside her that tells her she will spend the next few months of her life sobbing over this loss. She refuses to mourn Delphine until she actually leaves.

Delphine swallows and bites her lip briefly, a nervous habit that Cosima has learned to find endearing, before reclaiming her lips in a kiss, fingers quickly working buttons. A sort of clumsiness falls over them both as they strip off their clothes, some landing outside the tent, others inside around them.

She pulls Delphine down on top of her with a grin, wrapping her legs around the blonde who moans in response.

“I’m all sweaty.” Delphine giggles, their bodies glide easily and they haven’t even begun. It’s sweltering in the tent, and yet, she insists on full body contact. She should want to push Delphine off, to wait until it’s cooler outside, but she doesn’t.

“I don’t care.” Cosima answers, moving to kiss her neck, she hadn’t cared before. Or cared about the prickly hairs sprouting up on both of their legs and underarms. Neither one cared about much more than touch, and taste...

“I want you.” Delphine whispers, beginning to stroke her and she feels herself arching back, keeping her arms locked around Delphine’s lithe form.

“Yes... yes...” She breathes. Delphine was learning... and quickly. Their weekend away had given her plenty of opportunity to practice, to touch Cosima without limits, to learn her body with eager hands.

“Comme ça?” Delphine breathes back, laying gentle kisses against her lips.

“Inside.” Cosima answers, rocking her hips upwards more forcefully, the heat has killed her desire for slow sex, she wants this quickly.

Delphine moans loudly as she enters her with two fingers, beginning a steady rhythm, following Cosima’s cues. “Je t’aime Cosima...”

She merely whimpers a nonverbal response and forces Delphine’s lips back to her own, kissing hard, trying to convey her desire. It had worked for dealing with Delphine’s need to confess her love throughout their weekend, throughout their lovemaking. She’d kiss her with as much emotion as she could manage and redirect Delphine.

“Delphine...Delphine...” She’s whimpering her name now, their bodies moving together quickly, tension building easily after their two days of self-deprivation. She cannot get over how good Delphine feels against her, inside her.

“Je suis la tienne.” Delphine whispers, “Pour toujours.”

She’s not sure what the blonde is saying, but it sounds like promises she can’t keep, neither of them can keep. She moans instead, whimpering her pleasure into Delphine’s lips, Delphine’s neck as her climax overtakes her, every muscle in her body tensing, crying out loudly. Delphine is kissing her and holding her, pulling out gently to gather her up in her arms.

“Oh.” Cosima exhales into Delphine’s hair, “You... you are incredible.” She watches Delphine blush as she kisses her again.

“Ma chérie...” Delphine croons back at her, “T’es une déesse d’amour!” Delphine is all smiles, she pulls her to sit, hips grinding down against Cosima’s thighs. She’s not sure what Delphine has told her, but the blonde has been reluctant to translate everything she says in moments of passion.

She can feel the heat of her, the wetness and goes to touch nearly immediately. She enters her, knowing it is probably what Delphine wants, and is rewarded with a low groan.

“Harder.” Delphine demands softly, her legs are wrapped around Cosima as the smaller woman takes her on her lap. She pulls Delphine’s lips down to her own with her free hand, enjoying the whimpering noises the blonde makes, enjoying the feel of her around her fingers.

“Aaaah... aaah.” Delphine’s breath catches in sweet noises.

“Perfect.” Cosima breathes the word, moving her mouth to mark Delphine’s skin near her collarbone, letting the sounds fill the tent. Sweet moans and heavy breathing. Delphine is tensing and close, and spasming around her making no efforts to muffle herself. Each sound stokes her desire once again, she’s not finished with her, Cosima realizes grinning... one more orgasm and then they’ll go clean up.

**

Delphine drops her face, forehead to forehead with Cosima, “More. I need more...” She whines, and she’s nearly instantly obliged. She’s still clinging to Cosima, breathing heavy as Cosima begins to move inside her again, and it’s perfect, she moans loudly again in appreciation.

 A loud male voice interrupts their moment, “I think that is quite enough now ladies.”

Delphine screams at the sound of Aldous’ voice, clinging closer to Cosima, “Non... non.” She breathes softly, trying to fight back her tears. Cosima pulls out, not that it makes much difference at this point.

 “It’ll be okay.” Cosima reassures quietly, “I just... like... it has to be.”

“Okay?!” Leekie is shaking his head, they can see his shadow through the tent walls, “I’ve put up with an awful lot from the two of you. You think I didn’t know? You think your students haven’t noticed? I don’t care about this free love nonsense, ridiculous experimentation and drugs. But neglecting your work is taking it too far.”

“We weren’t.” Cosima tries defending them, “The students have it covered.”

“Cosima, go shower and get back to work.” Leekie brushes her off, “Delphine, throw on your clothes and meet me in the lab tent.”

She goes, unsure of what else to do, Cosima presses one last quick kiss to her lips before leaving. She’s shaking and terrified and biting her lip as she dresses again in her discarded clothes, Aldous had at least had the courtesy to remove himself to the lab tent to wait.

When she arrives at the tent, she’s still completely disheveled. How could she have been so stupid? Why had they done this now? Not even waiting for night, or ...something. What will he do to her? Blackmail? Punishment? She’s not even sure.

Aldous doesn’t look at her as she enters the tent, “I think it’s best if you go back to Paris. Immediately. Pack your things and I’ll drive you to the train station.”

She tries not to cry, “But there’s days left.”

“Not for you. I thought you knew better. I will be speaking to your advisor about your behaviour on site. I’m not impressed. Go, shower, gather your things.” Aldous pauses to light a cigarette, “Go.”

She runs from the lab tent to her own, unable to stop the tears that flow freely down her face, she can hear the shower turn off. Cosima must be done, she gathers her belongings together first before showering quickly. She returns to her tent with wet hair, feeling cooled off. She packs quickly, could she say goodbye? Could she risk it? She pokes her head out of her tent to see Aldous smoking near the van, waiting for her to dress.

She reaches for her field journal, she’ll have to hand it into Aldous... but first, she has an idea.

**

Cosima returns to site shaking, and glowering at everyone. Who’d sold them out? Who’d done this? Why had she thought she could get away with having Delphine in the afternoon? Why?

“Your hair is wet.” Scott observes looking anxious, he drops his trowel looking up at her, “Is everything okay? Where’s Delphine?”

“Get back to work.” Cosima snaps.

She doesn’t see Leekie for the rest of the day, Delphine is nowhere to be seen at dinner, and her tent has been taken down.

Cosima has to bite back tears at the sight, she runs for her own tent, not caring that she’s on dinner duty again, or that Scott is yelling after her.

It’s there in her sleeping bag she finds it. A scrap of paper torn from a field notebook. A name, Delphine Cormier, and an address of what appears to be an apartment in Paris. And two words. ‘Je t’aime’.


	14. Chapter 14

Delphine sits nervously outside her thesis supervisor’s office. She arrived home last night, and first thing this morning she finds herself waiting for Dr. Jean Villeneuve to arrive to work. She knows the man is usually early, impeccably punctual and precise.  
 She forces herself not to cry, not over Cosima, not over her possibly precarious position in the program. Dr. Leekie has either called him, or will. Once again, people will know. She will have shamed herself.

“Bonjour Delphine.” Dr. Villeneuve greets her lightly.

“I’m sorry. I...” Delphine pauses, she does not want to apologize for loving Cosima, for having Cosima, “J’ai -”

“Dr. Leekie m’a dit.” Dr. Villeneuve sighs, “Viens, on va prendre un café.”  
“Quoi?” Delphine blinks in disbelief, Leekie has told him... and he’s taking her out for coffee?

Ten minutes later and he’s led her to a nearby café, and went to collect their coffees. Delphine sits in disbelief as Dr. Villeneuve returns to their table, delicately placing two teacups of steaming coffee in front of her. He pauses, running a hand through his grayed hair before sitting down.

“J’ai...” Delphine starts, unsure of how to continue. She doesn’t want to apologize for falling in love with Cosima, she cannot regret that. Her midday indiscretion, was a mistake, she rationalizes, but loving Cosima... How could that be wrong? They weren’t hurting anyone. It wasn’t like with Matthieu; Dr. St-Laurent had been married, had a family. Cosima had no husband... no children.

“In English.” Dr. Villeneuve corrects her, “Better we are not overheard.” His accent is thicker than hers, but his English is impeccable.

Delphine pauses, trying to find words for her actions, “I was having an... affair with-”

“Cosima. Dr. Leekie’s TA.” Dr. Villeneuve interrupts her, “An excellent student, but very... Elle est impertinente, tu sais? Too bold.”

“Yes. She is.” Delphine agrees with a smile, “We were caught together.”

“Aldous already told me that.” Dr. Villeneuve nods at her, completely formal, calm. How can he possibly be so calm?

“Have... have I lost my place in the master’s program? Will I be permitted to finish?” Delphine asks, unable to hold that question back any longer. If she’s not? Everything she’s worked for for years will have been in vain. But if she’s not... what is to stop her from following Cosima to the United States? Her mind spins with possibilities.

Jean eyes her across the table lowering his voice, “You are still the same Delphine I took on. The same Delphine who performed well above everyone else in class, in labs, on dig... As long as your work is good, and there are no more... indiscretions.”

“How... why are you so calm?” Delphine bursts out suddenly, expecting far more trouble. What is happening here? What is going on?

“Sodomy laws were repealed in 1791 here, it is not a crime Delphine, worst charge they can give is indecent exposure.” Dr. Villeneuve drops his voice lower, taking a sip of coffee, “And neither you nor I are criminals. Things are changing, Delphine, though many would see it as immoral, indecent.”

“What?” Delphine shakes her head, stunned.

“You need to remember - keep it private, out of view, and no one will bother you.” Dr. Villeneuve says quietly, “I expect to see you back in the lab on Monday, I will handle Aldous.”

“Mais -” Delphine’s head spins. Dr. Villeneuve was a bachelor, as far as she knew. Devoted to his work in physical anthropology, archeology... the study of ancient disease. Or...

“Non.” Jean shakes his head, “On ne peut pas parler plus ici.”

** 

  
Early Friday morning, Delphine awakes to the buzz of the intercom. Not again, she groans into her pillow at the thought. Since her return, she’s made the mistake of frequenting a café Rémy likes. The man will not leave her alone. She swears he’s around each time she attempts to leave her apartment. He’s tried to speak with her twice, an attempt to rekindle their relationship now that she’s back. Delphine had had to bite her tongue to prevent herself from asking if he was just bored.

“Va chier Rémy!” She props herself up in bed to shout out her open window, it was early for Rémy to bother her, the sun wasn’t even fully up yet.

But instead of seeing the indignant form of her ex, a small form leans out from the entrance to look up at her window on the second floor.

“Umm Delphine? Can you let me in?” Cosima looks tired, surrounded by bags.

She gets up out of bed as if in a dream, buzzes Cosima into the building. Cosima here? That is why she had left her address. But... Cosima actually came? Is this just a stop before her flight home? Does Cosima intend to stay? No... it couldn’t be.

“How?” Delphine opens her door, watches Cosima’s eyes drop down her body.

“Your address.” Cosima holds up a torn piece of paper, “I had to rip the ‘Je t’aime’ off to give this to the taxi driver. Sorry.”

She gathers Cosima into her arms, kissing her cheeks, her lips, her forehead. Cosima is sweaty from the train ride, still wearing her backpack and hauling her tent.

“I’m so happy, so happy you came.” Delphine tells her, continuing to lay enthusiastic kisses all over Cosima’s face. She can tell Cosima is trying to tell her something, to speak but she lets her.

“Hey... just let me put my things down, okay?” Cosima smiles back at her, moving to remove her back pack, her sweater. She watches Cosima look around her tiny apartment.

“Alright.” Delphine nods, wishing she had made more effort to clean up. There are dishes in her sink, and she has barely taken care of herself since returning home a couple days ago.

“One bedroom?”

“Not even, my bed, my couch, my kitchen, my bathroom.” Delphine answers, pointing around her home, lastly pointing at the one door inside the apartment.

“So like a bachelor apartment. It’s cute.” Cosima glances around again, “I... just... just come here.” Cosima’s arms are shaking as she moves to pull her in to hold her.

“Cosima.” She sighs into a warm mouth as it swallows her sounds. She’s still not used to leaning down to kiss Cosima, or anything about Cosima.

“Are you okay?” Cosima breaks the case sniffling slightly, “What happened with...”

“Nothing. Nothing. I’m fine.” Delphine reassures her, tugging her back into kiss. Cosima in her apartment, Cosima in her life. Would it even work? Could they fit together outside of the world of the dig?

“Why so soon? Isn’t there one more day?” Delphine breaks the kiss, pulling Cosima back by the shoulders.

“I left yesterday. Not much left to do, you know? Besides... Leekie isn’t my advisor.” Cosima shrugs off her concern, “It will be fine.”

“You sure?”

“Dr. Villeneuve...does he know?” Cosima’s eyes search her face, trying to decipher what has happened in their brief separation.

“Don’t worry about him. I’m still in the program.” Delphine smiles genuinely, before she remembers, that is what will separate the two of them.

“Good.” Cosima manages a nod before her lips are captured again. Cosima gasps and then groans as she teases her bottom lip with her tongue, followed by her teeth.

Her hands go to undress Cosima, working buttons, then fabric off her shoulders.

Cosima yields to her hands, eyes closing, a low groan emerging from her lips, eyes shutting slowly as she sways slightly.

“Are you too tired?” Delphine asks softly, kissing at a soft neck.

Cosima shakes her head, “No.”

“Bon.” Delphine tells her with a little laugh, pulling her nightgown up and over her head, letting it fall somewhere behind her on the wooden floor.

“Oh... Delphine... come here.” Cosima hauls her back in, “I don’t want to sleep. We only have a couple days.”

“A couple days?” Delphine’s brow furrows, the furious arousal building in her body suddenly tempered. She crosses her arms in front  
 “Yeah. I switched my flight to fly out of Paris on Sunday... cause... I had to see you again. I had to say goodbye.”

“Goodbye?” Delphine repeats. Of course it is, it’s the only thing that makes sense. Continue with their plans for graduate school.

“Well... yeah... I mean I would never ask you to give up your grad school - assuming that they haven’t, you know, kicked you out. I mean, we’ve only, we’ve only known each other a few weeks.” Cosima looks pained at least, Delphine theorizes... but does she feel this? Could she make her feel it? Feel the overwhelming love that threatens to consume her? Blotting out nearly everything else?

“But... we could... We could try...” Delphine stops herself, “I could come to the states, after I’m done... and-”

“Delphine, that is going to take two years.” Cosima exclaims, “It’s not fair to you... Or to me. I mean... let’s just enjoy this for... what are you doing?” She remarks at Delphine drops down to her knees, uncrossing her arms as she does so.  
 “But this is what you want, right?” Delphine reaching to remove Cosima’s pants, kissing just above the band of her white cotton undergarments. Pleasing Cosima... she thinks, leaning in to rest her nose against the fabric, steadying her hands as they tug loose linen down tanned legs.

“Oh god...” Cosima looks down, “You’re...you’re going to.”   
“Do you want it?” Delphine offers with lidded eyes and sweet voice, looking up at the brunette again, “I’ll do it. I want to please you. I want you to be satisfied.”

Cosima murmurs back, stroking messy curls, “Delphine, you don’t have to.”

“Mais... je t’aime.” She lets fingers stroke along Cosima’s hip, laying another teasing kiss against her belly.

“Come on,” Cosima pulls her to her feet, “This isn’t a no... but I’m all sweaty and gross, let’s shower.”

Delphine points, watching Cosima finish disrobing quickly, before making for the bathroom. The brunette stops twice, once to put her glasses safely on the table, and again to admire the clawfoot tub, the elegance of it.  
 “Fancy.” Cosima remarks, turning on the water before switching the water to shower head.

“Here, let me.” Delphine guides Cosima out of the way, setting the water temperature and testing it before standing back.

Cosima clambers in under the spray, groaning softly, “Oh, I missed warm water...”

“Mmm.” Delphine hums back happily, a hand going to close the shower curtain before Cosima’s strong hand grips her own, pulling her in to step carefully into the tub and closes the shower curtain behind her. She doesn’t shower with other people, but... Cosima is small, small enough to fit in here with her.

The warm steam fills the shower in minutes, Cosima already begun rinsing herself off, her wet hair sticking to her skin. She means to wash Cosima, quickly soaping her hands and running them up her sides, washing under her arms, her ribs, her back.

With soap rinsing off as quickly as it is applied, she dips her head to a wet neck, pulling the smaller girl in back to front. Cosima’s ass pressing back against her, as she pauses from washing.

Delphine’s hands are merely roaming now, admiring water slick skin, she pauses to cup a breast in her hand, letting an already hard nipple slide against the sensitive skin of her palm. She moans at the feeling, kissing Cosima’s neck more passionately.

“Are you going to take me like this?” Cosima asks, leaning back into her.

A low guttural moan is her only response as she drops her free hand lower, fingers eagerly seeking slick swollen flesh.

**

It’s lying in bed after, playing with Cosima’s damp hair, brushing it off her face, out of her eyes that she worries again.

She sings to her softly, Cosima not understanding the words “Et c'est pas fini, c'est rien qu'un début. Le vrai soleil on l'a pas encore vu et jusqu' aujoud'hui on a rien vécu...”

“What are you singing? What does it mean?” Cosima tries in a teasing voice.

“La grande extase on l'a pas encore vu. Non c'est pas fini. C'est rien qu'un début Mais c'est le plus beau des commencement...” Delphine trails off wistfully.

“What is it?”

“A song. Et c’est pas fini...” Delphine pauses before singing again, stroking Cosima’s cheeks, her still-damp hair.

“It sounds... romantic.” Cosima guesses correctly with a grin.

“It is... mon amour,” Delphine tries the pet name, it feels right. Cosima is her love. Her lover.

“Are you going to keep singing to me? Is this like a lullaby? Cause I don’t need too much help. I was tired when I got here... then the shower.” Cosima raises her eyebrows, beaming again. Has she forgotten? How can she forget that she’s leaving?

“I don’t want you to go.” Delphine mumbles into Cosima’s neck, her voice breaks despite herself. She can’t hold this in, tears threatening to run down her cheeks.

“I know. I know.” Cosima sighs in response, “Should I have just done home? Would that have been easier for you?”

“No... never...” Delphine assures her through her tears, she kisses Cosima again, letting the tears fall. She teases at her lip with her tongue until she’s granted access to Cosima’s mouth, until Cosima sucks on her tongue, making her falter.

She kisses down, with intent, sucking at Cosima’s throat, shifting to move her whole body down. She’s aware of the tears still streaking down her face, but she doesn’t stop. Not kissing, not grasping at Cosima’s bare skin. The brunette still smells of sex, she presses her face just below her navel to inhale deeply.

“Tu sens bonne.” Delphine groans, letting her nose dip to touch dark curls.

“We... don’t have to... not if you’re crying...” Cosima catches her by the shoulder for a minute, “It’s... it’s just one thing, Delphine. I like lots of things. You can please me other ways... and you just did...”

“Je t’aime.” She repeats, as if it’s enough of an answer, moving to kneel between soft thighs.

Cosima’s sex is swollen, glistening and her tongue darts out to taste. It’s sweeter than she expected, tangier too. She’s tasted herself on Cosima’s lips, Cosima’s tongue... but this is better. So much better. She muffles a low whimper.

“Are you okay?” Cosima asks breathily, fingers already gently playing with her hair.

“Mmm.” She hums affirmatively, flicking her tongue firmly, enjoying the noises that follow. Cosima’s noises. Cosima’s pleasure. She’s still sensitive from her first orgasm, it shouldn’t take much, Delphine realizes pressing in closer, using her lips as well.

Cosima guides her head into place, “There. Like that... a little more... Yes. Yes.”

It’s a little awkward, Delphine acknowledges, having to adjust to breathe, nose buried in curls, Cosima’s hips jerking up into her face. But the feel and taste.. and Cosima’s sounds... have her own body tightening rapidly, begging for its own release.

Cosima’s sounds are familiar, building towards climax as her hips twitch up harder with her gentle ministrations, gentle sucking lips and curious tongue, tight and quivering, until finally Cosima collapses back into the mattress, heavy breathing and low moans.

“Delphine... oh my god... Delphine.”

“I like your taste.” Delphine sighs finally, moving up Cosima’s body, mouth and chin slick with Cosima’s pleasure. She adjusts her legs to rub her own needy sex against a willing thigh.

“Oh... you’re so wet from... from...” Cosima’s words are lost in a groan as she presses her leg upwards to intensify the contact.

“Touch me. I need you.” Delphine demands, Cosima grabs for her with two strong arms, kissing her, moaning loudly as she tastes herself.

“Your turn.” Cosima announces, flipping her over, quickly kissing down her own body.

Delphine lets herself get lost, in Cosima’s touch, in flesh and pleasure and taste.

**

Cosima wakes alone in an unfamiliar bed. Sunlight is streaming in from the window above the bed, she blinks slowly. She’s more comfortable than she can recall being in days. The light in here is perfect, Cosima thinks sleepily, for photographs.  
 “Delphine?” Cosima sits up, blankets falling around her waist as she gets up and glances around. She should take more pictures of Delphine, her camera isn’t completely inaccessible. She has photos of her certainly, in Rome, on site, at Ostia Antica... but that isn’t quite the photo she wants now.

A note sits on the side table. Delphine’s handwriting. She’s gone to get food, and wine.  
Cosima smiles and lays back in bed, another day of this will be bliss. She doesn’t bother dressing, and soon enough a beaming Delphine reappears, navigating the door and key, as best she can with a large brown bag clasped against her.  
 “What’s in there?” She stands up, uncaring that she’s naked, though maybe they should close some of the curtains.

“Pastry. Cheese. Bread. Fruit. Wine. Truffles.” Delphine grins, setting down the bag on the table, “Are you hungry? I can make us dinner, or...we can just eat what I’ve bought.

“Oh...” An idea blooming in her mind. Delphine naked, with a glass of wine. Eating truffles and pastry in this apartment. Her eyes slide down Delphine’s now clothed body with a groan. She looks amazing, clad in a loose skirt and blouse, more formal than she’d ever seen her look on site.

“What?” Delphine’s hands go to her blouse, “You want me to get undressed?” The blonde reads her well, but that’s not quite what she had in mind.

“I want to take pictures of you.” Cosima clarifies.

“Okay.” Delphine nods, “Like this?” She smiles back.

“Naked.” Cosima responds, “Naked, eating and drinking wine.”

“Seriously?” Delphine laughs, ducking her head as she does so.

“Yes. If you’re okay with it that is.”

Delphine seems to consider for a moment, “Yes.”

Before she says another word, Delphine’s fingers are working buttons, shedding her garments as she digs for her camera.


	15. Chapter 15

Delphine tries not to laugh from her place sitting on the bed, she looks at Cosima with mischievous eyes and giggles as she snaps the first photo. “I’m sorry,” Delphine apologizes.

Cosima is calm, steady hands at her camera, “No it’s good. Laugh, if you want. Just... act natural.”

“Natural?” Delphine giggles again, “Et tout-nu.”

“Like, just do what you want. I don’t want you to pose... just be you.” Cosima gestures towards the glass of wine beside the bed.

Delphine pauses to take a drink of wine, then stands, looking at Cosima over the rim of her wine glass.

“Oh.” Cosima sighs, pulling her camera to her face again. She is going to waste so much film on this.

Afterwards, Delphine pours her a glass of wine, making them a plate of cheese and fruit and bread to snack on. She hasn’t bothered dressing, no point, Cosima supposes. If Delphine were to get dressed, she wouldn’t stay that way for long anyways.

“What about the truffles?” Cosima points at the small box, but it’s only a moment before Delphine hands them over.

She pops a truffle into her mouth, savouring the sweetness.

“Mmm. Ils sont parfaits....” Delphine delicately bites a truffle before tossing the rest of it into her mouth.

“Perfect.” Cosima agrees, understanding that much. Taking another sip of wine, she has no intention of becoming drunk. Not tonight, but she’ll enjoy a glass.

“I should show you some of the city... it will be terrible when you tell your friends and family you went to Paris and didn’t see the Eiffel Tower or La Louvre...” The blonde shakes her head, burying her face in her hands briefly.

Cosima laughs, “I don’t care.”

“We’ll go tomorrow morning, Eiffel Tower and breakfast.” Delphine strokes her hair as she tells her this.

“What about you?”

“What about me, what?” Delphine turns to face her, the grapes she’s eating still in her hand.

“Your family. Your life. Tell me anything.” Cosima invites whatever she can learn about Delphine before she has to go back to real life.

“My parents have a large apartment elsewhere in the city. My brothers - one is working, the other still in school.”

“You the oldest?” Cosima muses, she can’t see Delphine being the baby... She’s far too... ambitious.

“Middle.” Delphine responds sticking out her tongue.

“Ah, but the only girl.” Cosima tilts her head, “I’m an only. Adopted.”

“Adopted?” Delphine blinks at her. Only then does she remember how little they really know about each other. She could tell people about Delphine’s research interests, her education, her sense of humour... but she knows next to nothing about her family, her friends, her life in Paris.

“Yeah.. my parents told me when I was like... ten?” Cosima elaborates, “Kind of a blow at first, but I got over it. I mean, they don’t really look like me. But... they are my family, you know?”

“They are lucky to have you.” Delphine tells her, returning to stroke her face and hair affectionately.

Cosima only laughs, “Nah... I’m trouble.” Surely Delphine must be able to put it together, that her sexuality would be an area of contention, that everything would fall apart.

“You’re wonderful.” Delphine reassures, “Do you want anything else?”

“No. I’m happy like this.” Cosima smiles slowly, pulling Delphine in closer.

 

**

She lies down, resting her face on Cosima’s chest, mostly on top of her. Enjoying the feeling of delicate fingers tracing invisible lines between the moles on her back. The sun is just starting to set, and it’s been perfect, perfect having Cosima here with her.

“You’re so sexy.” Cosima murmurs.

She feels herself shudder in response, “Je t’aime.” Delphine repeats into Cosima’s skin, kissing gently there.

“Fuck me.” Cosima says suddenly, pausing from this lazy moment.

Delphine raises her head, “What?” 

Cosima laughs before launching into an explanation, “Vulgar... but... it’s having sex.”

“Vulgar slang.” Delphine giggles, “Baise-moi.”

“Oh... not sure what you just said there... but... same thing?”

“Yes.” Delphine answers, a hand going to Cosima’s face, drawing their lips back together. Lovemaking. Fucking. Does it really matter what they call it? When she can have Cosima in her arms?

She cannot get enough of any of it; Cosima’s moans, the feel of Cosima clenching around her fingers as she grasps at her back. She sucks a dusky nipple into her mouth, continuing her movements. The things she wants now, Delphine thinks, so beautiful, so different. Her dreams have bled into reality, and she never wants to wake up.

“La mienne.” Delphine murmurs softly, as she switches her mouth to claim Cosima’s other breast, “T’es la mienne.”

“Yes... Yes, baby.” Cosima husks at her as they move and rock together. Cosima comes undone quickly with a low cry, but it doesn’t satisfy either of them. She slows her steady thrusts, releasing a nipple to return her mouth to Cosima’s, using her thigh behind her hand to increase the pressure of her thrusts.

“More?” Delphine asks softly, slowing down.

Cosima answers in a low moan, “Keep going.”

A loud buzz from the intercom makes them pause briefly. A male voice shouting up in the direction of the window above them.  
 “What?” Cosima’s haze seems broken for the moment, Delphine slows her movements in response.

“Ignore him. It’s just Rémy.” Delphine brushes off the intrusion. A voice continues to call out in French, but the only words Cosima can likely distinguish are ‘Delphine’ and ‘viens’.

“Do you want me to tell him to get lost... or does he not speak English. Do you.. um want to get dressed and get rid of him?”

“No... what am I going to say?” Delphine shakes her head slightly.

“What do you want to say? If you could, you know, without repercussions. I don’t think I can keep going if he keeps shouting like that.” Cosima laughs, reaching to still Delphine’s hand.

“Go away. I’m upstairs, in bed, making love to Cosima.” Delphine giggles, her voice a low whisper.

“Well, what could you actually say?”

Delphine pauses biting her lip before sitting up enough that her face is visible through the window, “Va chier!” She hollers back down.

Cosima muffles her laughter with her hand at the subsequent exchange. Unable to understand beyond tone, but breathless with laughter just the same.

“He’s gone now.” Delphine smiles, when she ducks back down to plant a kiss on Cosima’s forehead.

“What did you tell him?”

“To get lost. That he was a lazy lover and that I wasn’t alone.”

“Delphine!” Cosima giggles again.

“It worked. I let him assume I was with a man, but I don’t think Rémy will bother me again.”  
 “Ohh.” Cosima breathes pulling Delphine back in against her, “What do you want?”

Her answer is a kiss, sweet at first, then deep and probing. Delphine still tastes of wine.

**

One knee hooked up over Cosima’s shoulder, Delphine watches her, the blonde’s entire body moving behind the slow firm thrusts of her hand. Delphine’s head tilts falls back, arching as she moans beneath her.

“Perfect.” Cosima mumbles happily between kisses, encouraging Delphine to retain eye contact. Delphine’s free leg is wrapped around her own hip, and she doesn’t want to change a thing. She loves the smell of her, the feel of her, even the words she cannot understand that escape Delphine’s lips.

Delphine only moans, eyes shutting again as she moves her hips against her. It’s perfect, Cosima thinks again, but ...it does seem to be taking longer than it usually does.

“Is something wrong?” Cosima slows, planting extra kisses on Delphine’s cheeks, her neck, “Is there something else you want?”

Delphine bits her lip, “Talk to me.”

“Okay, what do you want me to say?”

“Lie to me.” Delphine demands.

“What?!” Cosima stills her movements, leaving Delphine to rock her slick sex against her hand.

“No don’t stop... Please... tell me you’ll never leave me.” Delphine’s voice breaks and it’s the saddest thing she’s ever heard.

Cosima bites back her own tears, trying to keep her voice and hand steady, “I’ll never leave you.”

“Tell me you want to be with me.”

“I do, I want to be with you. I only want you.” It’s sadder still, to feel Delphine’s body responding to this, on edge and tensing as amber eyes bore into her own. 

“Tell me you love me.” Delphine is tight around her fingers, “Cosima, please.”

“Delphine...no.” Cosima stops, shaking her head, trying to make it clear that this is not a lie, “I do love you, I do.... I love you so much.” She caresses Delphine’s cheek lightly with her fingertips, their faces inches apart, watching as Delphine’s expression shifts.

A hand goes to pull her down by the back of the neck, Delphine’s tongue suddenly in her mouth for a brief moment before she comes, all heavy breathing and unrelenting tears.

She’s crying too as Delphine guides her fingers out of her, she doesn’t even bother to taste them as she’s taken to doing every time she has Delphine this way. Strong arms wrap around her, shushing her sobs as she cries.

“Je t’aime.” Delphine tells her again, “Dis-moi que tu m’aimes.”

“I love you. Je t’aime.” Cosima tries to mimic the words between tears, but it’s too late to stop the tears from falling. All that is left to do is sob into Delphine as she holds her here.

**

She keeps her promise, waking a grumpy Cosima early the next morning to take her to the Eiffel Tower then out for breakfast. She thinks of dragging her other places, L’Arc de Triomphe, museums, cafés, everywhere she can think of. But Cosima holds her hand, and her eyes tell her everything. Back to the apartment they go, to be alone together.

“No more crying.” Cosima lays down her condition before they even start undressing.

She agrees, but neither of them keep the promise. Cosima’s mouth takes a thorough inventory of her body, before pressing firmly between her thighs. Eating pussy, Cosima calls it. It makes her laugh through her tears.

Eventually they slow down, lazily touching in the sun.

 

“I wish... I wish I could make love to you, like a man could.” Delphine sighs, looking Cosima over once again. She hadn’t meant to say it, but those dreams haunt her.

“What?” Cosima raises her eyebrow and makes a face, “Well, I wouldn’t want you to. I want you like this... Exactly like this.”

“But... we can’t?” Delphine’s unsure how to finish her sentence, it had seemed much less awkward when she had started it. The impossible pleasure of a dream where she wasn’t even herself. The impossibility of ... anything coming from their love. 

“Can’t what?” Cosima sits up, “We can share pleasure, and touch each other and be inside each other and... what else could you need?”

We cannot have children, Delphine thinks briefly before scoffing at herself. It’s an advantage now... but will she always feel that way? Will Cosima?

“It’s just... it’s not important.” She shakes it off. It’s just a dream, Delphine tells herself, another very strange dream that Cosima probably does not want to hear about.

Cosima won’t let this go though, “No... what is it? The mutual pleasure? Cause... we can do that. We could be inside each other at the same time, or-” 

“No.” Delphine shakes her head cutting off Cosima.

“Is it the fullness?” Cosima asks softly, “Do you miss that?”

“I want you inside. Your beautiful fingers.” Delphine assures her, “Even if I’m not as full... I don’t care.”

“You want to be full? Really full? Cause Delphine - I can do that.” Cosima murmurs gently.

“How?”

“More fingers. Or my whole hand. But I’ve never done that... but I like know people who do. And we could try it...if you want.” Cosima offers cautiously. 

“No.” Delphine answers quickly shaking her head, this isn’t what she meant.

“Okay.” Cosima pulls her in closely, smelling her skin before laying an affectionate kiss to her clavicle, “Delphine... are you gay? Are you a lesbian, like me? Because sometimes I think you are... and then... ”

“I don’t know.” Delphine answers honestly, “I didn’t think I was. I... I still find men attractive. But... I find you attractive. I love you. I want to be with you. Does that make me a lesbian?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. I mean men can be attractive... but... that’s not... fuck it. We don’t have to talk about this.”

“No we don’t.” Delphine turns on her side, “You’re leaving tomorrow and Cosima... I don’t even know your family name.”

“No, no last names, you’ll ruin it.” Cosima teases her, fingers over her mouth.

“You know mine.”

“Cormier. Yeah. I know.”

“Why won’t you tell me yours? Or give me your address or your phone number. Let me find you again. Can’t...can’t we just try?”

“Delphine. It won’t work. We’ll just fall apart. Long distance never works.” A warm hand presses to her back at the first sign of tears, “Oh no.. don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

She cries again, refusing any comfort Cosima tries to offer her.

 

**

Sunday morning comes too soon, Cosima realizes, as Delphine insists on accompanying her to the airport.

Delphine does not give up easily, even now. Her arms wrap around her, clinging to her, in the middle of the airport.

“You’re going to cause a scene.” Cosima warns her quietly.

“Please tell me your name.” Delphine begs, refusing to release her hold on her, or apologize for the quick kiss she presses to her cheek.

“Cosima Niehaus.” Cosima says finally with a sigh, and a squeeze of her hand.

“Cosima Niehaus.” Delphine repeats, “From San Francisco.”

“Yes. But ...Delphine, we have to go back to reality, don’t we?”

“I guess we do,” Delphine begins to cry quietly again. Cosima glances around, they aren’t alone. Even early, this airport is bursting with people.

“Go home Delphine.” Cosima pushes the blonde off of her, “I can wait for the plane by myself.”

Delphine’s eyes widen, she’s hurt her again,“But-” 

“Go home. Before we make a scene. Because... oh god do I ever want to right now.”

Delphine nods, blinking back tears, before turning and leaving her to wait alone.

“Shit.” Cosima begins to cry, “Shit...”

**

  
_San Francisco, United States, Late August 1979_

A loud knock on the door disturbs Cosima from her latest session of crying into her couch. She’s managed a few things, she’s developed all her film, needing to get the archeology dig pictures to Berkley for publication. But finding motivation to do anything is too much to ask for.

“Cosima, my god, if you don’t open this bloody door.”

“Not now Felix.” She calls back, “I’m not in the mood.”

“Seriously, Cosima, I will break your door again. You’ve been home for over a week.”

She reluctantly pushes herself up to open the door, Felix opening it instantly.

“What’s wrong with you? We’re going to the disco. Have you been crying?” Felix looks her over, his annoyance turning to concern  
 “Didn’t you hear? Disco’s dying.”

“Not yet. Fuck no.” Felix starts rummaging in her closet, “You’re going to get dressed and come out with me. I need someone to dance with.”

“Before taking home another man who can’t keep his eyes off you.”

“Exactly. Throw this on.” Felix tosses her a purple mini dress, “What’s gotten into you? You’re usually thrilled to get back from a dig.”

“I met someone Felix.”

“Okay, so you shagged a hot Italian girl. Stop crying and we’ll find you another one to take your mind off this one... Have you even combed your hair today?”

Cosima begins to dress reluctantly, “She was French.”

“French? So why are you so upset. Sounds like you had a good time.”

“Because...” Cosima sniffs as she pulls on her dress, “I can’t forget her, Felix. It wasn’t just sex.”

“Ugh. Nope. You were gone, just over a month? You had some fun sex with a hot foreign lesbian. So cheer up and let’s go dancing.”

“She’s not a lesbian.” Cosima mumbles on her way to the bathroom, she’ll need to wash up, at least a little.

“Another straight girl? Bloody hell Cosima... I thought you said you were done with that shit. It’s not worth it. You get nothing.”

“I know, I know.” Cosima responds through the door, she splashes some water on her face, washing up. Looking at her make-up, she’ll go out, she decides. At least forget for a few hours... or try to.

“Well, if you want your mind off women, you could try experimenting...” Felix offers loudly from the other side of the door.

“Eww no. Did that. No thanks.”

“I know you look at attractive men, Cosima, and they look back.”

“But it’s gross.” Cosima hollers back through the door, “No more experimentation.”

“Experimentation?! You gave a blow job, at a party, when you were 17. I don’t know many straight women who like doing that.”

Cosima shudders at the memory laughing, “I don’t think so.” She lets the door swing open again, already into her routine.

“Well, I have some ecstasy... but we don’t have to take it, but I’m starting to think you could use it.” Felix digs in his pocket, “What do you think?”

“Maybe. Let’s dance. Maybe just pot?”

Felix leans to one side looking her over, “I think you might need something stronger.”

“Stronger than exuberant dancing?”

“Much.” Felix holds out his hand, “We’ll wait til we’re at the disco though, I think, yeah?”

“Okay.” Cosima nods agreement. Back to real life, she tells herself. Back to dancing with friends and smoking pot, back to discos and civil rights and everything pre-Delphine.

“What was her name, your French girl?’

Cosima feels a rush of emotion again, and has to blink back tears, “Delphine.”

“Well... tonight, you’re going to forget straight girl Delphine.” Felix promises, his hands gripping her shoulders.

“Right.” Cosima nods, “Done with the French.”

“Now that’s more like it.” Felix reaches around her, “Come on, let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thank you to twig-height for betaing the last couple chapters!


	16. Chapter 16

_May 1985, San Francisco, United States._

Delphine checks her map again, this shouldn’t still be happening. She’s been here for a couple weeks. The opportunity to do a post-doc in the United States had been too much to pass up on, and now with this opportunity to teach two courses at Berkeley during the summer term, so she’d changed the east coast for the west, packed her things, and rented a room near campus. Berkley reminded her of Cosima, though Cosima wasn’t part of the faculty there, as far as she knew. And with Dr. Leekie around, she’d hesitated to ask anyone else if they knew about Cosima’s whereabouts. The brunette could be anywhere, she’d told herself. Especially in the summer, teaching a field school? Finishing her own PhD? Would it take Cosima longer? A post-doc elsewhere? Was she even still an archeologist? Had that changed? Six years is so long... But still, Delphine tries to tell herself it's curiosity, that she simply wants to see Cosima again, speak to her... See how it feels now. Would it even be possible to feel the way she had then?

She sighs again in frustration, checking the street signs. She was lost again, she was sure of it. Delphine had never really bothered to learn American geography, and now she was paying the price for it. Her last trip to San Francisco had been last weekend, and her first. Though without it she would never have seen the art show ad. It was silly really, wandering the streets as if she’ll just run into Cosima again. It’s stupid. She’s tried looking for Niehaus in the phonebook, without success. She’d reached a lovely older gentlemen, and fearing she’d reached Cosima’s father, promptly hung up.

“Are you lost?” A young man looks at her, eyeing her up and down. She’s had less of that since she cut her hair, stopped dying it. It was too high-maintenance for the digs. Though, observing this particular young man, she becomes fairly certain he is homosexual.

“A little,” Delphine admits, “I’m looking for, this gallery.” She holds out the ad, torn off of a street pole.

“Well you’re close.” He pauses, “I’m Mike, do you want me to show you?”

“Yes. That would be helpful.” Delphine smiles, turning on the charm. It worked well enough.

It was going to be a quiet thursday, until a name had caught her attention. Artists opening. Cosima Niehaus. A handful of names, listed for an art opening. Immediately, Delphine knew she would go, had to go, had to see Cosima again, if only for a few minutes.

“So ...you know the artist? Felix Dawkins?” Mike glances down at the ad, “Turn left here.”

“Merci. No, actually... I know Cosima. Or I did... haven’t seen her in years. I think it’s probably the same woman though, non? Not a common name.” Delphine tries to quell her nerves. She hasn’t seen Cosima in years, would she still feel the same? Could she? Would Cosima? Would she be angry? Delighted? Delphine’s mind spins with possibilities and long held fantasies of being with Cosima again, holding Cosima again...

“Nope. Definitely not.” Mike responds, “I don’t know many Cosimas.”

“Maybe. But... I’m hoping it’s the same Cosima.” Delphine tries to suppress the fantasies, they won’t do her any good now.

“So, how long have you been in the states? Are you sure you’re in the right part of town?” Mike offers, walking her right to the gallery door.

“That is very kind. But I’m fine, thank you.” Delphine smiles.

“Okay. Well... have a nice evening then.” He shrugs it off, and steps back out into the night.

The gallery is mostly full of people, many men and women wandering around staring at paintings. The first painting she sees is so... phallic and homoerotic that she has to muffle a giggle into her hand. What has she stepped into to? It becomes instantly clear that Felix is also gay, whoever Felix is anyways.

She glances around, searching for a short brunette with glasses in the strange crowd of people that have gathered. Instead stumbling on Cosima’s photography. Scads of photographs of men and women, completely naked. Most of it is artistic, but there are some that…

“Oh.” Delphine’s eyebrows raise instantly, eyes widening, are... are her photos here?

“Not used to nudes?” A man with a sway in his step and what sounds like a British accent leans over her shoulder then back again to take a liberal swig of wine from a cheap plastic glass.

“Not... like these.” Delphine answers honestly, observing the images. The subjects are all in motion, movement, many staring directly at the camera, others fixated on objects, or... Delphine gulps, each other.

“You should have seen her civil rights exhibit now that was something!” The man claps her drunkenly on the back, “Oh... you’re a lost straight girl, aren’t you?”

“No.. I am looking for Cosima Niehaus.” Delphine responds firmly, the man hangs onto her for balance, assuming he’s drunk enough to require it, she tenses.

“Oh, friend of Cosima’s from university? Or the museum? I’m surprised she’d invite one of her new friends to this.” Felix takes a good look at her again, “You in the show?”

“I don’t think so.” Delphine answers with quick glance around.

Felix scans her again with an appraising look, “I’m sure she’d want you to pose for her. Maybe for her next show.”

Delphine, unable to think of anything else to say simply smiles and nods. She catches sight of a small black and white photo, a familiar piece of furniture. Herself, from behind, naked, at the age of 21.  
 She leans in closer to read the title, ‘Weekend in Paris’. The little details spark an instant reaction in her, the clothing that can be seen on the floor, the moles on her own back, the glass of wine in her hand held out to the side. Memories rush back to her, the thrill of it, how it felt to be with Cosima. How Cosima had snapped that pic while sitting on her bed, how she’d held her after, that undeniable rush of love.

“Yeah that one is one of my favourites.” A familiar voice says from behind her. Delphine’s heart beats frantically in response. Cosima.

Delphine doesn’t speak, hesitates to turn around. Of course, with the shorter hair, dark now, and the jacket... Cosima hasn’t recognized her. The same thrill courses through her, and she hasn’t even seen her face yet. Would… would it be the same? Delphine wonders.

“I really was in Paris, it’s not just a title. It’s all natural light too, a perfect shot.” Cosima goes on, “Warm afternoon, don’t worry, she wasn’t cold.” She laughs, and then takes a sip of what Delphine assumes is more wine. Suddenly nervous she wishes she had imbibed. What if Cosima has a lover? What if ... she doesn’t...?

“I remember,” Delphine says finally, turning around, unable to wait any longer. She watches Cosima’s face shift instantly into shock, as she takes her in. An echo of her own shock, her own longing?

“Oh.” Cosima’s face lights up suddenly, an arm wrapping around her in a quick sudden hug, “Oh my god, Delphine!”

“Allô Cosima.” Delphine breathes with a relieved smile as Cosima releases her from the quick embrace.

“What? What are you doing here?!” Cosima exclaims stepping back to get a look at her. Delphine fights her instinct to step forward, to gather Cosima into her arms, like she has in her dreams.

A few people glance over and then look away before Delphine answers. “I’m teaching two summer courses at Berkeley. Skeletal Biology and Paleopathology.”

“But in the USA?” Cosima shakes her head, “And... when?” 

“I’ve been living on the east coast for the last eight months, post-doc.” Delphine explains sheepishly, “Work visa.”

“Oh...wow.” Cosima’s blinking at her, “I... I never thought I’d see you again.”

It’s then Delphine notices, a glint of gold metal, Cosima’s left hand, “Cosima.” Delphine looks down at her hand.

“Oh... yeah.” Cosima shrugs, “Lots of changes?”

“You’re... married?” Delphine balks in disbelief. Her mind spins as her heart sinks, no, it cannot be. It can’t. She’s just found her again.

 

**

 

The ring on Cosima’s left hand surprises her. It’s been six years, maybe it shouldn’t. But married. To a man? Her Cosima? Delphine scolds herself for the thought, Cosima isn’t hers, as much as she wishes she could be.

“I don’t take photos much anymore.” Cosima shrugs, “Another change.” Cosima seems nervous and sheepish.

“Really?” Delphine’s eyebrows raise, looking around.

“Yeah just couldn’t resist showing off some old stuff - silly really. The painter Felix? Now he’s an artist, friend of mine too. Convinced me I should do the show with him.” Cosima’s smiling as she explains, gesturing around at the art.

“And your husband?” Delphine can barely get the words out. Who is this man that Cosima would marry him? It’s like plunging the knife in deeper, she lets it twist, she has to know. Is he real? Is their marriage...real? A man with Cosima? Delphine shakes her head, biting her lip she looks at Cosima looking for some sign that this is false, that this is some strange joke of hers.

“David? It’s not his thing. He’s at home.” Cosima nods awkwardly, “He’ll swing by at the end, make a quick appearance and take me home.

“I think they’re gorgeous. Your photos.” Delphine searches for anything else to say. She has to leave, that’s the only thing left to do. Look around politely, and leave before she breaks down. She cannot completely kill the elation she feels looking at Cosima though, even as an unwelcome wave of envy crashes over her.

“Thank you, that means a lot.” Cosima smiles sadly, “There are photos of you too, only two made it into this show. The others... I keep just for myself.”

Delphine flushes, “You kept them?”

“Of course.” Cosima smiles at her, “I mean... I never forgot you.”

Delphine finally smiles, “It’s good to see you, Cosima.”  She controls her tone, it wavers only slightly. She suppresses her fantasies, Cosima running into her arms, what a stupid thought that was.

“I’m really happy you came, Delphine.” Cosima nods at her, “I... umm... like enjoy the show.”

“Thank you.” Delphine nods, suddenly dizzy, stepping away, she leans against a wall for a moment before going for the table of cheap wine, and cheese and crackers. She has to go, Delphine realizes, taking several deep breathes she exits the gallery again. She manages to stop the tears for a few more moments, long enough to begin the short journey home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry... I'm sorry... 
> 
> (Hold on... this story is going to be a ride.)
> 
> Thanks to twig-height, my lovely and tolerant beta.


	17. Chapter 17

 “Not bad for my last art show,” Felix sways as Cosima wraps an arm around his waist.

 “Stop being melodramatic. We don’t know that.” Cosima pulls Felix towards the exit, she’s had to call David to come and get them early. All she can think about is Delphine, her heart is still pounding, Delphine here in San Francisco. Delphine looking at her the same way she did when...

Felix interrupts her thoughts, “We’re dropping like flies Cosima. Gay men in San Francisco... dead, dying... fuck AIDS.”

“Shh. Not here, we’ll talk later, okay?” Cosima reassures her friend, barely able to support his weight.

“Why? Your precious David won’t like it?” Felix giggles drunkenly into her ear.

“He’ll be here soon. You can crash at ours tonight. Guest room.”

“Oooh. He really won’t like that.”

“Yeah well. He married me. He can deal with it.” Cosima brushes it off. She has to concentrate, take care of Felix, put him to bed, deal with David. She didn’t have time for this ...resurgence of feeling. Delphine, she smiles despite herself.

“Great, we can all curl up and read the obituaries together.” Felix leans in closer, “You’ll do a good job with mine? Mention the art. My love of bathhouses. My adorable niece.”

Cosima sighs, “You’re not sick yet. You know I’m keeping up with news as much as I can. There could be treatments and-”

“I tested positive.” Felix moans.

“Shh.” Cosima shushes him.

“Easy for you to say, you tested negative.” Felix grumbles into her neck, “Years of party sex and an ecstasy orgy, and you still test negative.”

“We can talk about this later, let’s just get you home.” Cosima tries more gently, she’s not interested in drudging up the past, hers or Felix’s, anymore than she already has.

“Ahh always-David-never-Dave!” Felix lunges enthusiastically at Cosima’s husband, laughing when the man jerks backwards. This always happens, Cosima suppresses a grin, David tries to avoid what he calls ‘that side’ of her life, and Felix promptly shoves it in his face every time.

“Not again.” David groans, helping to get Felix to the car.

“Oh yes, darling, I’m going to have lots of fun with you,” Felix teases drunkenly, “I know how much you love watching men.”

“Cosima...” David whines.

“Yes, again. He’s staying with us tonight.” Cosima says simply, and with a look in her direction, David silently, reluctantly agrees.

**

Half an hour later, Felix tucked into the guest room with a bucket, she undresses and reflects. Delphine. Delphine with dark short curls, the same face looking at her.

“Do you have to tell him everything?” David complains at her, interrupting her thoughts.

“Well... Felix knows me too well, you know?”

“You alright?” David asks her, bending to press his lips to the back of her neck, “You’re so quiet tonight.”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Cosima shakes it off, meeting his kisses with the ease of practice. She cannot stop thinking of Delphine, just showing up at the art show. Delphine with darker hair - the same easy smile, the same rush at her presence. Fuck... She’s pulled back to the present.

“They wanted you.” 

“Yeah?” 

He hums happily, “The men, the women... all of them.”

“Except Felix and his crew...”

“Nah, even some of them.”

“Not tonight David,” she doesn’t have the energy for this, not to create a verbal fantasy for him, not now.

“So there was no one...” David tries again, hand pulling her in.

“Stop.” Cosima swats his hand off. All she wants to do is think about Delphine, dig through her pictures. Delphine, here.

“I know.” David lets her go easily, “It was too much for her too, a lot of the time.”

“Yeah.” Cosima nods, “Easier with me?”

“Much. I think.”

Cosima snorts, “We haven’t even been married a year.”

“But I’m closer to tenure.” David reminds her, “And I’m not even forty yet, not bad for an architect.”

“Not bad at all,” Cosima smiles, “For teaching part-time.”

“Cosima, what happened tonight?” David asks gently, reaching around her for his toothbrush.

“Nothing babe, it’s nothing.” Cosima assures him, but her mind focuses on one thing only, the image of Delphine, eyes lit up at the sight of her, at the art show.

**

She wakes Felix shortly before noon, knocking on the door of the guest room insistently until Felix gets up and throws on a spare robe.

“Lunch?” Cosima suggests, “We could go out?”

“No, let’s just stay here. My head is pounding.” Felix whines, “You have any pot?”

“You know David doesn’t want it in the house.” Cosima explains quickly, “And it is...”

“His house. I know.” Felix rolls his eyes, “I told you, when you got married.”

“Yeah, you said ‘don’t’.” Cosima reminds him, climbing the stairs down to the kitchen, “What do you want? Eggs? Toast?”

“Doesn’t matter. And you remember, when you introduced me, I said fine, experiment... not marry the bloke. You’re a dyke, Cosima. You’re as much of one now - with a husband - than you were two years ago. And I told you-”

“Don’t.” Cosima warns cupping her head in her hands. Not this again. Please not this again.

“Some day you’re going to meet another woman and want her, want more than the ‘pass’ David lets you have.”  Cosima shifts, “It’s only women, only sex - that’s the rule. Only women is my rule, only sex is his.”

“Oh I know the rule, and you’re going to fall in love sooner or later. Or keep breaking hearts. Yours included.”  
   
“I love him.” Cosima insists, “You know I do.”

“But you were never in love with him, darling, and that’s quite different.” Felix paces the floor, “Hell, you can’t even show your best photos.”

“The homoerotic ones?” Cosima grins, “Yeah... I know. I know.”

“So what now? Another affair? Another broken heart?”

“No... no. You remember the girl at the art show?

“Which girl?” Felix turns back, “Oh the really hot one?”

“Yeah the short dark curly hair? The one who was staring at my picture of Delphine? That was... Delphine.” Cosima knows the effect these words will have. 

Felix repeats incredulously, “Delphine? The Delphine? The ‘straight girl I fucked at field school’ Delphine? Tent sex-crying-out-that-she-loves-you, Delphine? Two-days-of-enthusiastic-sex in Paris, Delphine?”

“Yeah. That Delphine.” Cosima smiles despite herself. Delphine, the thought alone sends another rush through her body, a not unfamiliar high seeping back in.

“Oh no. Cosima, find another one... if you want another affair, pick someone else. Anyone else.” Felix begs her, a hand gripping her arm.

“I’d have to - that’s the rule. I can’t fuck women if I love them.” Cosima shrugs, she makes her way to the fridge, eggs to scramble. Easy enough even she can’t fuck it up.

“Oh don’t say love. You were 22 and in Rome... you were just... It was just hormones, Cosima.” 

“Carried away?” Cosima suggests helpfully, it doesn't matter if Felix thinks that. It’s easier. She tries to concentrate on the food. On the cooking, but Felix isn’t making it easy.

“Yeah. Stay away from Delphine.” Felix warns, a hand gently gripping her arm, “And for fuck’s sake come out again before I lose my mind.”

“Yeah, you know, just right after I tell my husband.” Cosima jokes and giggles, “He knows, you know, he’s always known.”

  “Doesn’t change that it’s still true.” Felix tilts his head in an almost Cosima-like mockery before leaving the room, “And that cuckold-happy husband of yours is deluded!” 

“He is not.”

“Cosima, he gets off on you being fucked by other people. Men especially. He told you how romantic love was not something to marry for, and gave you a list of historical examples...”

“I know, just leave it. Please.” Cosima demands, nearly burning the eggs in the process. 

“You know, he’s in love with you, right?” Felix leans against the door.


	18. Chapter 18

Delphine wakes startled, one long pale arm darting out from her blankets to smack her alarm clock.

“Non...” She groans to herself, the empty room. But her day must continue, these months of teaching at Berkeley must continue. She forces herself up and out of bed, pleased for a moment. She’s rented a room from an older woman, it has its disadvantages in terms of privacy. But room and board is sufficient for the four month stint she’s planned here.  
 Then what? Delphine asks herself as she dresses quickly, return to France? Another teaching gig at another American university? Try to relocate to Canada? Montréal? Would she stay here if they asked her? Is there reason to stay?

“Morning, Delphine.”

“Morning,” Delphine echoes back politely, going about making herself breakfast. The fantasy shattered, was there any reason to remain here? Why had she really moved cross-country for the summer term? Risked running into Aldous Leekie again? All to see Cosima? She’d told herself it was to see more of the country. Or for the warmth she assumed she’d find there. No such luck, San Francisco was cool with little seasonal variation in temperature.

While Aldous was not the head of the archeology department, he was posed to inherit the position whenever the department chair retired. Dr. Barnes was starting to look very old, no one hesitated to remind her, but the man gave no sign he was willing to give up his seat just yet.

“Are you alright this morning? You look tired. Why don’t you have a cup of coffee?”

“I’m fine.” Delphine assures her, sitting down and helping herself. She has office hours today, but no classes to teach.

**

Delphine sits at her desk, reading through academic journals, a lit cigarette in one hand. She’d quit, taken it up again, then quit again... After seeing Cosima, she’d craved it, and caved for the first time all year.

“Umm, Dr. Cormier?” A familiar voice calls from the hallway with a knock.

She turns with a start, the face is easily recognizable, Scott. She places him instantly.

“Hello, Scott,” She smiles at him, a familiar face is something at least.

“I’m wondering if you have the lab hours scheduled for your students yet? I was looking to clock some extra lab time before -” 

“It’s on the syllabus.” She holds it out for Scott to review.

“Also, you’re not supposed to smoke in the offices anymore. Just last year we banned it - you’ll have to go outside.” Scott grimaces apologetically.

“I’m sorry.” Delphine apologizes, quickly stubbing it out on the ash tray.

“Paleopathology: The Archeology of Disease. Good title.” Scott skims the syllabus.

“Thank you.” Delphine stops for a moment, “Are you in a Master’s now?”

“PhD, hope to be done in another year if I can get my dissertation done.” Scott talks for a few minutes, his dissertation focuses on iron age pottery, and Delphine listens politely for a time.

“Scott, is Dr. Leekie around? I haven’t seen him-”

“He’s on dig in Italy again actually, doing it earlier this year. Team of 7 students and a TA.”

“Ah.”

“He’ll be back in September, were you looking for him?”

“Non, non,” Delphine stops, taking a moment to decide how to finish her sentence, “I was hoping to avoid him.”

“Were you,” Scott shifts his feet nervously, “Looking for Cosima?”

Delphine smiles a sad smile, “I was. I found her. She had an art show in the ... what is it called? Castro? Last night?”

Scott gawks, “The Castro?!”

“Yes. Yes...” Delphine nods, “I already know that she’s married. She told me.” She tries to keep her voice calm and steady, detached.  
   
“Okay good... I uh... didn’t want to have to be the one to tell you.” Scott begins to leave.

“Scott, is Cosima still a student?” One last thought occurs to her, will Cosima be here in September? Is she done with her dissertation? Her PhD? Had she even started it?

“This year?” Scott calls back over his shoulder, “No idea, she’s on and off... started her PhD... hasn’t finished yet.”

“Scott, have a seat,” Delphine invites him, gesturing at the seat in front of her desk, “I’d love to hear more about your dissertation... and Cosima.”

 

**

Her hips keep moving as she lets words stream from her mouth, tales of other encounters. The slick slide of their bodies, his steady thrusts inside of her, it’s normal now. He has to work harder to turn her on than any woman ever has, but once they get to it...

“Is it good?” David grunts at her, not stopping his motions.

“Not as good as she was.” Cosima gives the correct answer, and is rewarded with firmer stimulation. She cries out, bucking her hips up in response.

She watches his face shift, he’s unsteady, irregular, then collapsing on her, kissing at her breasts. He moves off her and rests against the mattress, pressing his face into navy sheets.

“Well... it worked.” David grumbles.

“You okay?” She regards David with concern, “I mean we rarely...without....” Not the right kind of fantasy maybe? She hasn’t ‘strayed’ in over two months, it seems to be killing the little sex life they had.

“It’s not… you know what works-”

“We don’t have to?” Cosima shrugs cutting him off, “Or ...” She knows what he wants, to watch a larger man fuck her while masturbating on the floor. She’s done it a few times, but he knew she hadn’t really been into it. Bit of a buzzkill. And watching her with women... wasn’t the same for him.

“Cosima, you know what my preferences are... I mean, you creating a scenario for me, or telling me about cheating works, but it’s no substitute for watching. It does the trick but it’s not the same. Watching is my preference or… right after you’re done with...”

“Yeah… I know… I remember.” Cosima sighs, she wonders sometimes how David’s ex-wife had put up with him for so long… if this had been all there was for her.

“Hearing about women is fine, but watching it?” David shrugs, pulling her into spoon, large arms closing around her form.

“Okay... So back to...?” Cosima purposely doesn’t finish her sentence. All clear to find herself another lover, for a couple months anyways. Inadvertently, she finds herself thinking of Delphine before shutting down that fantasy. That would be a disaster.

David lays a sleepy kiss to her neck, “Well... you’re the one that wants a baby.”

“Yeah. I know.” Cosima smiles, she lets her hand drift down to rest over his. That was the plan, have a kid, maybe two, back to archeology when they were in school.

“So... you still thinking of finishing your PhD?” David murmurs sleepily, “Should do it sooner rather than later.”

“Yeah... I think I’ll go back for September. Finish my damn dissertation.” She speaks softly, knowing that David is already drifting off to sleep.

“Could your new lover be a man... maybe?” David suggests, pulling her in tighter.

“Not if you want this hypothetical baby to be yours.” Cosima grumbles in response, “Besides, you know that it’s not men that ... just... I mean with you, it’s one thing...”

“I know, lots of foreplay, oral, then banging.”

“Yeah, well I told you... you can’t rush it with me. You have to give my body time to catch up.” Cosima pushes him off, moving back to her own spot in the bed, a little more space.

“So what about the vacation? You still coming along next week?”

“Yeah yeah... of course.” Cosima reassures him, “It will be great, you can ignore me for architecture...”

“And you can drool over the women.” David teases her back, “Should liven things up between us.”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Cosima agrees nodding. Even the idea pleased him. Coming home marked up or sore. Anything that demonstrated she’d been with someone else.

“Is something wrong?” A large hand strokes through her hair, “You seem off somehow since Felix left?”

“No, no, it’s nothing babe.” She silences him with an easy kiss.

**

She’d intended a quick run to campus, check in with her advisor, arrange to restart her PhD in the fall, instead Cosima finds herself outside the office, glancing over the class lists and summer schedules, a single name drawing her eye over and over again.

Dr. Delphine Cormier. Sessional Faculty.

“Hey, Cosima!” Scott’s voice draws her out of her reminiscing as he pulls her in for a hug, “How have you been? It’s been months!”

“Yeah... I know. I’m just arranging to get back on my PhD in September, you know, before David and I jet off for the entire month of June.”

“Yeah. Nice. So... you want to see Dr. Hawkins?”

“No, no, I already did... I’m just.”

“Looking at Delphine’s class times. She’s only teaching here for the summer. 2 courses.” Scott informs her, not surprised.

“And one is...right now.” Cosima raises her eyebrows.

“No... Cosima... no.” Scott calls after her as she turns down the hall and goes in search of the largest skeletal biology lab.

**

She intends on quietly slipping in the back, but the class is small, only twenty students. Several tables are covered with skeletal samples from the lab and Delphine moves through her fairly lost looking students. Cosima finds herself lost, just wanting to listen to Delphine’s voice. She’s wandered into a lab session, instead of a lecture, but it doesn’t matter because Delphine is speaking.

“Okay,” Delphine draws the attention of her students again, “I would like you all to practice siding the bones, anything you need to do to remember it. Now the scapula are easy, but pay attention to the clavicles. There is one manual per group, use it.”

Scapulas and clavicles, Cosima notes, glancing at the tables, each bone labelled with a tiny number linking it to the rest of the specimen.

“That’s it?” A student grumbles.

“For today, yes. Bonus marks if anyone can identify what is wrong with this clavicle.” Delphine points at one particular station, surrounded by students.

“It’s bumpy?” Another student volunteers lazily. Perhaps the heat is getting to them, even here in this basement lab.

“It’s been broken.” The first calls out.

“Yes, it’s been fractured. You can still see the callus that formed while the bone was healing. Do not put that pen near the bones.” Delphine stops to scold a student poking at them.

“You all need to identify the medial versus lateral end as well as the features, and must be familiar with this before we can move on to the humerus.” Delphine pauses to write on the board again. It’s a series of notes, nothing thrilling, Cosima notes disappointed.

“Umm, Dr. Cormier there’s...”

“Yes, I see her thank you.” Delphine’s face is impassive, nodding at her, “Several of our skeletons had arthritis, make sure you all get a look at those bones.”

“Hi, Delphine.” Cosima smiles, “Umm, sorry, Dr. Cormier.”

Delphine addresses her formally, “Hello, Cosima, I didn’t expect to see you here. Scott said that you were no longer working on your PhD.

”  I was on break,” Cosima explains, waving it off with a hand, “Can we talk?”

Delphine glances around her class before nodding, “Five minutes. I will be back to answer any questions you might have had on the lecture or on last week’s.”

She follows Delphine out into the hall.

“So, you took a year off following your wedding? That must have been nice.” Delphine smiles and nods politely at her, but there’s a hardness in her eyes Cosima doesn’t quite recognize. Jealousy? After all this time.

“Uhh, yeah.” Cosima nods, she’d taken several breaks throughout her Master’s and PhD. One to run off with crazy Shay to an all woman commune, another to travel around Europe... A few simply to clear her head.

“Must have been nice for you. I hear you honeymooned in Morocco.”

“Umm, yeah we did. Scott?”

“Scott.” Delphine answers affirmatively with a nod.

Cosima takes a deep breath and tries to clear her head, she wants to talk to her, she just came here to talk to her.

“So... umm I’m really happy to see you, Delphine. I was kind of shocked, I mean, six years, right?”

“Yes. Cosima I was there. I really should get back to my students before they open up the skeleton drawers and start tossing skulls around or something crazy.”

Cosima laughs, “What? You don’t trust them?”

“20 undergrads? I trust about half of them.” Delphine responds with a smile and a shrug, “Paleopathology is the better class, only 12 students, but ... they’re good.”

“Nice, I’m happy to see... you happy?” Cosima suggests. Delphine’s smile, Delphine’s voice... how can she not feel it now? She feels lighter, more focused somehow.

“It was a good opportunity to come to Berkeley, teach for a term.” Delphine’s face falls but the smile remains, “I still have to find something for the fall term, who knows where that will be.”

“So, you’re only here for ...4 months?” Cosima regards Delphine contemplatively. Why not? 4 months. Delphine disappearing probably for good after, and the way she’s looking at her makes her certain that they both still feel it. The same draw.

“A little less now, but 4 total.”

“Would you like to have dinner with me?” Cosima asks quietly. Delphine had done this before... that prof she’d told her about. Matthieu? For her fucking career at that... there’s no reason to think Delphine couldn’t be convinced... They didn’t even have to have sex, or anything... just being around Delphine would be worth the trouble. She could lie to David later, tell him she was having an affair.

“Certainly,” Delphine answers with a forced politeness, “I’d love to meet your husband.”

“Delphine...” Cosima sighs, “That’s not-”

“How have you enjoyed being a newlywed? I hear your first anniversary is coming up in August.”

Cosima practically growls in response shaking her head, “Scott.”

“Scott and I got a chance to catch up earlier this week, we had lunch.” Delphine smiles, “I hear his dissertation is coming along very well.”

“Yeah I can tell. And it’s all he ever talks about...”

“He has drive. I expect he’ll be done with his dissertation in another year.” Delphine smiles, pausing for a long moment before she slips back into the classroom, “I hope you’re very happy, Cosima.” She offers at last with a sad smile.

“Delphine,” Cosima tries again, “Can’t we just talk?”


	19. Chapter 19

_Cosima’s pinning her to the bed, kissing her mercilessly, playfully catching her hands before letting them go._

_“Let me...” Delphine insists, guiding Cosima back on an unfamiliar bed, on navy sheets. Their kisses ignite her blood, draw them to each other as they shed their clothes as quickly as possible._

_Cosima nods at her drawing her closer, drawing her in. She takes her slowly, as if she has all the time in the world, as if nothing exists but her fingers gliding through Cosima’s heat, their kisses and the slow rock of their bodies._

_“Je t’aime...” Delphine breathes like a prayer._

_“I love you...” Cosima moans in return, “We can have this...really have this. It can be so easy Delphine...”_

_“Shh...” Delphine shushes her with another kiss, a deeper thrust... she doesn’t want to hear it in a dream... even now she knows distantly that this isn’t real. That this Cosima is a mix of memory and fantasy. Her taste, her sounds, her movements._   
_The door swings open, and she panics, turning to see..._

Delphine sits up in bed panting. Not again, she chides herself slowing her breathing. Since seeing Cosima her subconscious had not ceased torturing her with regular dreams of the two of them. They’d become infrequent over the last couple years, but seeing Cosima again seems to have revived them.

Some are as strange as ever. Others of the two of them entangled in passionate embraces. Half-memory, half-fantasy... Delphine doesn’t even know anymore how to separate the real Cosima from the one in her dreams. Who is more real to her now? After all this time apart?

She splashes water on her flushed face, resting for a few moments until she’s satisfied it won’t show on her face when she goes downstairs for breakfast. An apartment would have been her preference, but only being here for four months it wouldn’t make any sense. It hadn’t made sense on the east coast either. Why set up here if she’s not sure if she’ll stay on the continent, never mind the country or state.

**

When she reaches her temporary office a familiar face with glasses and dark eyes is waiting for her, sitting on the floor like an undergraduate student. Cosima looks up at her hopefully, with a smile.

Delphine wants to laugh, to smile, to pull Cosima into her arms and just hold her, just hold her, for a minute. Married, Delphine reminds herself, shaking off the feeling and composing herself.  
 “What are you doing here Cosima?” Delphine shifts her weight cautiously, trying to hang on to her stack of marked lab reports.

“I want to talk to you.” Cosima pleads, “Just.... ten minutes. We can get tea or coffee, or go outside and smoke...”

“Cosima.” Delphine warns, rebalancing her load to unlock her office door, “I’m quitting again.” She tries to brush her off softly.

Cosima stops, and looks at her, stepping forward for a moment. “Well that’s good actually, like for your lungs. What about lunch? I know paleopathology ends before noon.”

Delphine sighs, raising a hand to her head, “You’re married, Cosima.”  
 Cosima holds out her hand, preventing her from closing her office door, “Delphine, it’s okay, believe me... we can just go and chat.” Cosima blunders on optimistically, “I mean I don’t know if you even... you know, after me... not that we have to talk about that.”

“No...” Delphine shakes her head. She wants to speak of that now? Of bisexuality or homosexuality. Of... what went on between the two of them as if it’s that simple. Could ever be that simple.

“What if we don’t touch?” Cosima offers finally, “No physical contact whatsoever.”

Delphine grimaces, eyes falling as she plunks her stack of graded lab reports back on the desk, she turns. Not touching Cosima? Not even her hand? Being able to speak with her, engage with her intellectually, emotionally and then... never being permitted to reach out and touch her? It would be torture. She’d fall in love with her again, if she’d ever even stopped completely. Four months of torture.

“I’m picking up my PhD again in September... and I know you only have a four month contract here. It’s just four months... don’t you want to spend time talking, at least? We could just... talk archeology... or feminist theory or ... ancient disease.”

“Congratulations Cosima, I hope you finish it this time. I remember how clever you are, how remarkable, how intelligent, how cheeky, how...” Delphine trails off flushing, her eyes examining the brunette carefully, high rise jeans and a flowy blouse, the hint of a ... tattoo, Delphine finds her attention drawn to Cosima’s wrist. That is new.

“It’s not a big deal Delphine... I promise... it’s okay.” Cosima pushes forward again, laying a hand over the stack of papers.

Delphine sighs slowly, “You’re married Cosima. That is a big deal. You have a husband and a life that you’ve built for yourself. If you’re going to destroy it? I’m not going to be the one to help you. Do you understand?”  
 Cosima stares at her blankly for a moment, “Destroy it? No... Delphine, no it’s ....” The brunette appears to consider something, “Just... let’s-”

“Is it a real marriage Cosima?” Delphine asks finally, trying to put the brunette out of her misery. Bearding? Delphine hasn’t let herself cling to that hope, but now, she might as well ask.

Cosima’s eyes narrow, “What do you mean ‘real’ marriage?” 

“Do you love him? Make love with him? Dance together? Talk late into the night? Share your life? Your secrets?” Delphine gestures her hands around, reminding herself more of Cosima by the minute.

The brunette is taken aback, “Well yeah. We do but-”

“Then that’s it, Cosima, you’ve made your life. And I don’t want to be reminded for the next three and a half months how I cannot be a part of it.” Delphine sits at her desk and begins to gather her things for her class.

Cosima smacks a hand to her own head, and leaves silently, fuming. Why is she angry? Delphine wonders. What does Cosima have to be furious about?

**

_July 1985, San Francisco, United States._

“And she just... agh.” Cosima complains to Felix, flopping back on the sofa.

“Chill.” Felix reminds her, turning on the radio, “Told you. Straight. You were a total fluke for her... probably has a boyfriend.”

“I don’t know,” Cosima admits, “I didn’t ask... she wouldn’t even really engage with me. Just... if my marriage was real. Of course it’s real...” 

“Well...” Felix gestures his hand, before reaching down to the table to roll a joint, “I’m still wondering that a month later, after what was an extended vacation, why you’re talking about Delphine.”

“Because I can’t stop thinking about her Felix.” She doesn’t tell him, not that she can’t stop dreaming of her, or waking disappointed to the snoring face of her husband in the morning.

“Even after that girl... in...” Felix raises his eyebrows suggestively with a grin, she really should stop telling him so much.

“It didn’t help... I mean the sex was good. But...” Cosima sighs, “I think it’s getting... or maybe she’s just not the right girl.”  
 “You’re pining again.” Felix lights his joint, smoking from his comfortable seat in the living room.

“You’re jealous cause you can’t have sex.”

“Well I could... I choose for public health not to at present.” Felix takes another prolonged drag, “At least you let me smoke here now.”

“Just don’t tell David.” Cosima laughs, a subtle rebellion, reminder that the newlywed phase is nearly done.

“He’ll know Cos... he’ll be able to smell it. All over the furniture. All over you.”

“Nah, he’s consumed with like this work thing. New project. We have to entertain... again.” Cosima gestures with a forced grin.

“Ooh and the true wifely duties reveal themselves again.” Felix giggles mercilessly, “He’s going to flaunt you, and this house, and the catered dinner... we know you won’t be cooking it.”

 “Stop it.” It’s true, from the outside at least they appear normal, typical even. David a happily married man, albeit on his second marriage. Cosima, his new wife, younger than himself by a decade. A beautiful home. Easy conversation. Ideal for both of their careers, even if they move... elsewhere.

Felix scoffs, “Least he doesn’t want sprogs. Then you’d never get anything done on that PhD of yours.”

She changes the subject casually, “I’ve done a little reorganizing of my research notes.”

Felix stares her down, “You moved boxes to find your old photos.”

“Felix... I’m reorganizing everything.”

“Do you want to photograph me again, while I’m still kicking?” Felix offers.

“Yeah. Yeah we can do that... umm next weekend?”

“What are you doing that you’re so busy during the week?”

“I’m registering for this archeology conference thing...” Cosima doesn’t tell him, not that Delphine will be speaking, presenting her own research... not how she’d dug and found this.

“Really diving back into academia hardcore then.” Felix shrugs.

“Only it’s in like Denver so...”

“Denver?” Felix groans, “When is it?”

“End of August. I already told David I’ll be gone for a few days. Good way to dive back into academia, you’re right.” Cosima nods proudly, she doesn’t need to justify this to anyone. Maybe... maybe if she can get Delphine alone with her they can...reconnect... talk ... or anything really.  

“But I could die.” Felix taunts her playfully, passing the joint for her to finally take a toke.

“You’re not even showing symptoms. Go see your sister or something.” Cosima waves a hand dismissively.

“Why, so she can dump Kira on me again?’

“Kira,” Cosima begins with a smirk, “Is adorable. And she adores you.”

“Yeah... yeah she does.” Felix smiles, “Might be what I miss most... other than art, you know? It was...”

“Yeah... kids are pretty special.” Cosima smiles sadly, taking a second drag.

“Oh not again Cosima...” Felix grabs the joint from her hand, “Nearly six years ago... you have to let it go. It was for the best, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Cosima nods, brushing it off.

“And I promise, I’ll never give you ecstasy again as long as I live.”

“Well I wouldn’t take it.” Cosima grins, “Pot. Just pot. That’s it.”

“Mmm much safer...”

“You’d do ecstasy.” Cosima gestures towards Felix, poking at his shoulder playfully.

“Well, yeah, if I didn’t have AIDS to spread around when I find myself in the middle of a five-way.”

Cosima winces again, a cloudy memory reasserting itself, “Stop.”

“Oh come on Cos, you have to laugh about it now... I mean what else are you going to do?”

“Smoke this joint.” Cosima reclaims it, “It’s mine now.”

“And how are you going to forget about Delphine? You have a plan for that? A new girl lined up?” Felix lays back, fluffing an oversized pillow behind his head.

“Yeah...” Cosima’s face shifts subtlety, “She’ll be gone in another month Felix... all I have to do is wait it out.”

**

“Dr. Cormier?” Dr. Barnes chases her through the hallway, slowly, his arthritic limbs probably paining him.

“Yes?” Delphine looks up from cleaning up her lab, “Did you not enjoy the lesson?”   
“No it was excellent. Comparative trauma in archeological specimens. Types of fractures. You lecture well.”

“Thank you.” Delphine smiles nodding,

“Would you consider applying to cover Aldous’ sabbatical?” Dr. Barnes cuts to the chase, “You’d have to teach old world archeology, and faunal analysis... a few more archeological courses. But I want to offer skeletal biology again both terms, and paleopathology again in the winter term.”

Delphine stops considering, “Yes. I will.” She’s accepting the job without hesitation, a boon to her resume, to her livelihood.

“Officially of course, I have to interview Aldous’ preferred candidate,” Dr. Barnes leans in conspiratorially, “Unofficially I can’t stand the man... the job could be yours if you want it, Dr. Cormier... for the year anyways.”

Delphine nods easily, she’d loved teaching, loved the facilities available to her here, “So I’d start in September?” She thinks again of Cosima... would things be different if they had more time? Could she... try to befriend her now? Would that work? Would Cosima want to see her if she stayed? Or would she avoid her?

“Yes, September to April, and we’ll see if we can find you something else after that. A field school maybe?” Dr. Barnes seemed pleased, “Excellent work anyways.”

“Thank you.” Delphine nods, but all she can think of now is Cosima. Cosima in the halls. Cosima in the library or the labs. How will she resist her now?

 


	20. Chapter 20

_August 1985_

“It’s only two days.” Cosima gives David a playful shove as she continues to pack her bag. He hasn’t noticed, not that she’s thrown a box of photos in the trunk, not how nervous she’s been the last week. She guesses it has more to do with work, contracts and projects and whatever else is running through the head of her husband.

“Imagine all the trouble you could get up to. Road trip by yourself.” David teases, hands at her hips, before she smacks them off.

“I’m packing, and then I’m driving, so off.” Cosima rolls her eyes, “And it’s an archeology conference.” She should have done this last night, David told her to as he was cleaning up after her mess in the kitchen. She’d felt inclined to cook him dinner, make it up to him? Cosima wondered. Is that what she’s doing? 

“So you say...” He continues to tease, laying kisses at her neck, “Enjoy yourself. Whatever that means.” David adds seriously.

“I will.” Cosima nods, “Thanks for letting me have the car.”

“So... you and the car will be back in four days?” David checks again, “Just so I know.”

“Maybe five... depends, whole driving to Colorado thing.” Cosima shrugs, laying a quick kiss against his lips.

“Get going, longer you wait the worse it will be.” David returns the kiss, rubbing at her shoulders briefly he moves to dress for work.

Cosima calls over her shoulder as she finishes zipping her suitcase, “Do you really mean that... anything I want to enjoy myself?” Her first thought is of Delphine, Delphine who will leave California in a couple weeks for who knows where. East coast again? Back to France?

“Yes, and now go. Take a beautiful woman to bed with you. Better yet, take a man... whatever. Go before traffic gets worse.”

“Aren’t you ever scared?” Cosima asks, forgetting to censor herself. Delphine, certainly she could take her to bed, it would probably be a let down and she’d move on. Or it would be wonderful and Delphine would leave, and she’d get back to real life again. Could this be worked out in a weekend? Cosima muses. Would Delphine even want to?

David stops and regards her softly, “No. I know we have a good thing here. And I know I’m not easy, I know Kathleen couldn’t... but you get it, at least more than she did.”

“I don’t have a fetish.” Cosima shakes her head.

“No... but you know what it would be like if people were to find out-” David trails off, choosing to leave things unsaid. Strange, between the two of them.

“That the only thing that gets your libido going is being cheated on. Yeah probably worse than being gay or lesbian...at least in San Francisco. Until... AIDS anyways..”

“Yeah but you don’t have to worry about that now.” David kisses her forehead, “Wherever we go, you’ll be fine. Married. Employable by museums and colleges and anywhere else.”

“I should go.” Cosima leans into a warm embrace, contentedly letting him wrap her arms around her. It was comfortable, never passionate, but stable, safe. She’d agreed to this. His suggestion that they marry with only a few requests.

“Don’t wait too much longer. Have a good time.” David reiterates kissing her forehead.

 

**

Delphine glances through her prepared notes again, she’s presenting on arthritis in early human populations. A student of one of the organizers watches her intently, waiting for her hand signal to change the slides. Pictures of her dig, of human remains and arthritic bones grace the screen as she continues to lecture.

She recognizes a few faces in the audience, a few of the professors from back east, a handful from Berkeley and to her dismay, Aldous Leekie. She speaks again, drawing the audience’s attention to the human ancestor with clear arthritis and the suggestions of activity. Delphine makes it halfway through her presentation before she notices a familiar face in the third row. Cosima. Delphine feels herself growing warm but continues on. Cosima, here.

“Dr. Cormier... that was interesting.” Aldous Leekie approaches her nodding, “I’m surprised to see you here.”

“I planned on presenting from my post-doc.” Delphine shrugs, “I hope you enjoyed the presentation.” She plastered a fake smile on her face and nodded pleasantly, watching Aldous walk away from her towards the podium and the student to set up his own presentation.

She carefully fields questions, as she slowly makes her way towards Cosima. Suddenly she’s terrified that Cosima will leave, that the slight wave Cosima gives her from across the room means that Cosima is only here for the archaeology, that Cosima will leave before she can free herself from the throng. She has to speak with her, Delphine knows that clearly.

But Cosima stays, “Delphine.” She finally makes her way over, hand reaching to squeeze at her elbow. Warmth rushes through her at this slight touch, she tries to calm herself down, to quash her fantasies of stealing Cosima away.

“Cosima, it’s good to see you again.” Delphine nods again, a genuine smile taking the place of the fake one she wore a few minutes ago. 

“Great work, I like watching you lecture. Living the dream?”  
   
“Mostly.” Delphine smiles genuinely, “How are you? How is David?” The husband, Delphine reminds herself, forcing herself to mention David. She cannot let herself forget, she cannot act on this.

“He’s fine. Not here, obviously, has his own thing going on.” Cosima gestures vaguely in the air.

Does this man even exist? Delphine finds herself wondering. He must though, Scott wouldn’t lie to her.

“Would you like to join me for dinner?” Cosima blurts out the words nervously, “I drove all the way here... and please just have dinner with me?”

Delphine hesitates for a moment, before making an instinctual decision. “Oui.” Delphine answers finally, enthusiastically nodding her head, “I’m not presenting again this weekend.” She can do this, she has to practice it. Spending time with Cosima. At least have dinner and make small talk.

“So you don’t want to stay for the frilled pottery talk?” Cosima teases.

“Well I was going to, but now I’d rather spend time with you.” Delphine smiles, “Do you have a place in mind for dinner?”

“I think we’re going to have to go and find something...” Cosima leads her out into the hotel lobby, asks a few questions of the clerk behind the desk before guiding her out the door.

There’s a dinner, of course, here at the hotel. But Delphine cannot bring herself to care as she walks down the street next to Cosima.

**

“So...” Cosima starts awkwardly, blushing and smiling across the table.

Delphine has to try to retain her composure. She’s missing a dinner and a much needed chance to network, and she cannot bring herself to care. To feel anything but excitement and the same old magnetic draw towards Cosima. This will never do, this cannot happen, Delphine tells herself silently.

 She redirects Cosima strategically, “Tell me about your dissertation.”

“My dissertation focuses on the ignored women in archeology.” Cosima stops to take a small sip of wine, “New World, well mostly, I looked for matriarchal cultures or alternative interpretations.”

She stops for a moment regarding Cosima across the table, “I like that. It doesn’t get enough attention.”

“It really doesn’t.” Cosima launches, “Like why does weapon mean male? Why is the typical female milieu ignored? It’s ... it consumed me for a while.”

“It sounds wonderful. I’d love to read it when you’re done.” Delphine lets her eyes drift down Cosima’s face, watch Cosima’s hands gesture fluidly in front of her. So similar, so much is the same.

“Yeah, if I ever finish it. I have the research, it’s the compiling it part and finding a good editor... it’s gonna take years.” Cosima winces, stopping as the waiter approaches to take their order.

“Then you better keep working.” Delphine bites her lip considering, should she tell Cosima that she’s staying a year? About her new apartment in Berkeley? Would Cosima even want to be spending time with her if she knew?

Cosima laughs, unsure of what else to say, “So regretting dinner yet? You’re missing Leekie’s presentation. He’s actually a good lecturer.” Cosima admits half-heartedly.

“Have you read Woman the Gatherer?” Delphine lights up when she sees Cosima’s eyes illuminate at the mention of the book.

“I’m so in,” Cosima grins, “Poking holes in the old boys’ club. The stupid patriarchal assumption that women were dependent on men throughout history.” 

Delphine jumps back in with a laugh, “Doing nothing more than waiting for their hunters to return with a fresh kill and popping out babies.”

“Yeah, when plant foods were most of the diet? Plus, hunting big game would have been done by the whole little society-thing. Women. Kids. Everyone.” Cosima grins tilting her head, “That’s what I want to work on. Exactly that... maybe after this thesis.”

“Prehistory?”

“Well maybe, focusing on women though. You’ve done it, prehistory,” Cosima looks at her admiringly again, “Ethiopia. Early human ancestors. It’s incredible work Delphine.”

“It was a good dig,” Delphine nods, “Lots of sheep that looked like goats...” Her brow furrows remembering the confusion.

“Same animal, indistinguishable at the skeletal level, it’s a matter of altitude.” Cosima nods.

“Yes, that is what a colleague of mine said as well.”

“Do you miss it?”

“Some things. The food. The people were lovely. The other archeologists. We worked for months, it was a bonding experience.” Delphine holds back, not wanting to rush into it.

“Would you go again?”

“Maybe...” Delphine waves a hand across the table, “I think I might want to try New World archeology... maybe Peru.”

“World’s oldest mummies.” Cosima responds without a moment of hesitation.

Delphine nods, unable to keep the smile off her face, “World’s oldest mummies.” Cosima remembers, she hasn’t forgotten her at all.

She’s about to reach across the table, to touch Cosima’s hand... just to see if it would feel the same, Delphine assures herself. When the waiter interrupts with a smile, laying two plates in front of them.

“Looks great, thank you.” Cosima thanks the waiter, and returns her attention to Delphine. “So what have you been up to?”

“A master’s, a PhD and a post-doc.” Delphine responds wryly.

“Right, sorry... you just cut through them... did you like have no life? Is it... is it my fault?”

“Non,” Delphine shakes her head, picking up her fork and turning her attention to her food, “I love my work, I’ve always loved my work.”

“I’m happy it worked out for you so well... and well honestly, really happy you came for dinner with me. I know you’re only around another couple weeks, then you’re gone. And if I didn’t get to see you again... that.... I’d hate that, you know?” Cosima rambles, eyes looking at her hopefully. She wants to reach out to touch her, to tell her that she got the sabbatical, that she won’t be leaving, at least not yet. But something makes her hold back, would Cosima even be here if she weren’t leaving? Would she be this open?

“I can’t believe you’re married.” Delphine finally admits softly, looking across the table at Cosima.

“Why aren’t you?” Cosima shoots back at her, tilting her head again between bites of her dinner.

“Well... there was a time I thought I would.” Delphine responds slowly. Why not tell Cosima this?

Cosima leans forward on her elbows, “Really?”

“Yes... I was involved with Luc for nearly two years, I thought we would, my family thought we would, but... we didn’t.” Delphine admits sheepishly.

“I’m so sorry.” Cosima apologizes, eyes widening, “I had no idea... ”

Delphine stops her with a shake of her head, “It’s okay. It was me. I was the asshole.”

“It was you? What happened?”

“He asked me if I loved him as much as I loved archeology.”

“Oh wow... so?”

Delphine shifts slightly before admitting softly, “I didn’t lie. And then he asked me if I’d ever loved someone as much as archeology.”

“Anyways,” Cosima interrupts her, “It all worked out. You got your PhD. Your work visa.”

“Yes, yes I did,” Delphine laughs taking a small sip of wine, “And you got married.”

“Last year. When did you cut Luc loose?” Cosima mimes cutting a rope.

“About 2 years ago.” Delphine shrugs, “It... It wasn’t what I wanted.”

“So you’re straight then?” Cosima probes, “Bisexual?”

Delphine pauses considering thoughtfully, “I think you’d have to call me bisexual.” Sex? Sex with men she enjoyed certainly. But... had she loved them? Love? Love may be unique to Cosima alone...

“Okay.” Cosima nods, seemingly thinking it through.

“Are you?” Delphine leans forward.

The brunette snorts softly, lowering her eyes before answering in a soft voice, “I don’t know.”

“Cosima, why did you get married?” Delphine looks across the table at Cosima, who looks almost vulnerable. It makes her want to ignore the years apart, gather her into her arms.

“I made a decision,” Cosima answers finally, “David and I are on the same page about it, it’s... complicated.” Cosima waves her off, “Anyways I don’t want to talk about that. Anyone in your life?”

It’s Delphine’s turn to laugh, “No... American men are lousy.” She drops her voice so they won’t be overheard.

“Rémy was lousy.” Cosima suggest shrugging, “Wasn’t he the one who-”

“Non, Rémy was odd. A bit lazy, but he... he didn’t hurt me. He wasn’t rough, or careless.” Delphine emphasizes, “American men... are very disappointing.”

Cosima stops eating for a moment, “So back to France with you then?” Her face falls noticeably at the thought.

“Maybe.” Delphine shrugs not wanting to give things away just yet, “I’ve... applied for a few jobs.”  

“Ahh, still waiting then? Bureaucracy will get you every time.”

She nods, not trusting her voice with that one small lie.

Cosima leans forward, “Do you want to see your photos?”

“What photos?” Delphine plays innocent, taking a prolonged sip of wine, just one glass tonight. She doesn’t intend on getting drunk, she can’t let herself lose control, not so close to Cosima.

“Your photos. My photos of you. I brought them.” Cosima volunteers, “I could show you after dinner, if you want. And then we could, talk without...” Cosima jabs her hand in the direction of the waiter, of the other patrons.

Delphine gapes, photos here... they must be in Cosima’s hotel room. Or...

**

  
She’s still not sure how she ended up saying yes. She was supposed to say no, tell Cosima goodnight and return to her own hotel room. Cosima had been almost embarrassed after she asked for a few minutes, until Delphine finally spoke. Why then, had it been a yes?

Instead she stands awkwardly near the bed while Cosima opens up her box of photos, pulling prints from envelopes. She’s well aware of the conference continuing, of the room of archeologists down three floors drinking late into the night. Where she should be. Or her own room on the seventh floor.

“Gorgeous, aren’t they?” Cosima grins interrupting her thoughts, as she holds out a full-frontal shot of Delphine in black and white.

“Oh no...” Delphine groans wanting to hide her head in her hands.

“No, don’t hide your face.” Cosima finally touches her, gently prying her hands from her face, “They’re beautiful... you’re beautiful.”

We were beautiful, Delphine wants to say, pointing towards a photo of their legs entwined on her old bed in Paris. That same tiny apartment she’d later shared with Luc. “They’re...lovely.”

“You’re lovely.” Cosima grins back, “Now.. look at them.”

Her hand stays touching Cosima’s, “Did you bring others?”

“Yeah... it’s all my good looking women photos.” Cosima pulls another envelope from the box, “The real lesbo stuff...like... completely... You’ll see.” 

“Were they all your lovers?” Delphine’s hand drifts over another photo of two women standing around naked in a field hugging.

“Umm... those two were yeah. That was crazy. Most of them, I guess. But not all, there were some exhibitionists... or just people who let me photograph them.” Cosima admits.

“Both of them?” Delphine’s eyebrows raise instantly.

“Yeah. All-women commune. Moved there with that one.” Cosima points at the smaller woman, even tinier than Cosima herself, “And... she was with a few others, so...I was too?”

“Is that... what you do?” She almost pulls her hand away but cannot bring herself to do it.

Cosima shakes her head, “Not anymore. That was a mess. Left the community, went back to my master’s.”

“I’m happy you did,” Delphine starts, “I mean your master’s.”

“Yeah. Of course. So worth it.” Cosima nods, “I actually worked at a museum for a while after, it was great...” 

Delphine’s brow furrows sensing something, “What happened there?”

“Oh, that was pre-David and I was a little too radical lesbian for their tastes...” Cosima shrugs, “Their loss. Totally their loss.”

“Yes. It is their loss.” Delphine smiles sadly, is that why? Is this what Cosima is hiding? There’s something ... not right, she knows that, she can feel it...

“Have you ever been with another woman? After me, I mean.” Cosima asks, spreading out more pictures, some are... intensely homoerotic. She flushes, remembering doing similar things with Cosima, to Cosima.

“Are they having sex in front of you?” Delphine avoids the question, why should she tell Cosima about that? It was only once, and it had been a disaster.

“Yes.” Cosima nods matter-of-factly, “So have you?”

“Yes.” Delphine breathes, eyes flickering up to meet Cosima’s. She’s no longer able to deny the low heat settling into her body at their proximity.  

Cosima grins at her, that same smile, “And?”

“It was... It wasn’t what I wanted.” Delphine answers softly, not wanting to tell her that it had made her miss Cosima so much more. That she hadn’t been able to do so without longing for Cosima.

“So... do you want to like order dessert from room service? I’m feeling dessert right now. Ice cream?”

“Yes.” Delphine nods enthusiastically, helping Cosima clear the photos off the bed and into their envelopes once again.

***

Cosima can’t stop looking over at Delphine, carefully licking remnants of ice cream off her lips. So beautiful, so... Delphine.

She wants to reach out, yank her in. But she knows Delphine has to make the move, bridge the gap between them. She’s nervous, Cosima observes, careful to keep a distance.

She can’t stop thinking about kissing Delphine, about having Delphine. That’s why she’s here, Cosima admits inwardly, a plotted seduction. A one-last hurrah with Delphine before she takes off for wherever and takes up with some dude.

“What are you thinking about?” Delphine asks her softly, placing their ice cream dishes delicately back on the tray, standing up and straightening her clothes.

“You.” Cosima smiles a half-smile, reaching out to touch her hand again, but Delphine shifts backwards.

“Tell me something, anything.” Delphine invites, sitting back down just out of range.

“I never stopped thinking about you.” Cosima answers without thinking. Not subtle, she wants to berate herself inwardly.

“Cosima...” Delphine chides her gently.

“I went to Europe about three years ago,” Cosima stares intently at the ceiling for a moment, “I wanted to find you, I even looked you up in a French phonebook. But... I knew it was too late... so I... I didn’t even try. I couldn’t stand the thought you’d forgotten me, or moved on. I was terrified I’d show up at your place and there’d be this man there.”

“There might have been. Luc. He practically lived with me for a little while.” Delphine answers her softly.

“And you’re so much braver than me... you came looking for me... you’re... you’re amazing Delphine.” Cosima feels her heart swell just looking at Delphine, watching her eyes shift, her arms reaching out for her.

And it’s too much. She’s pushing too much... but she forgets when Delphine pushes forward, gently sealing their lips together, catching her own moan at the sensation.

Delphine kisses her like she’s already making love to her, lips gently soothing against her own. Cosima melts into the kiss, throwing her arms around Delphine. Yes, she urges silently...

“No...” Delphine breaks the kiss breathing heavily, tears forming in her eyes, “We can’t...”

“We can...” Cosima breathes, “It’s okay.” She knows somewhere in the back of her mind Delphine would be repulsed by her marriage, by David’s...unusual fetish, by her own ... could she call it screwing around? None of that matters now, she tells herself, one night with Delphine. Just once... and she’ll let it go.

“I’m sorry.” Delphine apologizes, “I don’t want to be... I can’t be. You’re married.”

“I know,” Cosima reassures, watching Delphine push herself up off the bed.

“We can’t. I can’t.” Delphine shakes her head helplessly.

“It was just a kiss.” Cosima tries reassurance again.

“Nothing is ‘just’ anything with you Cosima.” Delphine nearly cries again and she can’t stand it.

“Just stay? Please?” Cosima asks, “I know I don’t really have the right to ask you that but... I don’t want to...” Cosima trails off, but Delphine understands, “We can just talk. I just want to see you.”

“Yes.” Delphine eases herself down, facing Cosima, who takes her hand, beginning to play with her fingers.

Cosima tries to breathe slowly, “Tell me about your students... anything...” Delphine would have to be the aggressor, the persuasive one... but will Delphine even try?

**

She hasn’t moved in half an hour, not to withdraw her fingers from Cosima’s. Not to get up, slowly their words had turned to silence and slow touches. It was time to go, Delphine told herself repeatedly. Get up and leave. Instead she stares into Cosima’s eyes, lets her eyes rake over Cosima’s face.

Cosima moans slightly in the back of her throat, eyes closing, “You feel the same.”

“So do you. La décharge electrique d’amour...” Delphine smiles, she hadn’t imagined it. It was still incredibly stimulating, strange, and unique to Cosima alone.

“I don’t want you to leave again.” Cosima groans, fingers sliding over Delphine’s palm, clinging to her hand.

“I have to leave.” Delphine sighs, the room anyways. She’ll tell Cosima tomorrow... Tomorrow about the sabbatical job, and ... they can go from there.

They are both quiet for what seems like ages, a strange expression flits across Cosima’s face with a groan.

“What are you doing?” Delphine asks, resisting the temptation to lean down and take Cosima’s fingers into her mouth.

“Playing with your fingers.” Cosima answers simply.

Delphine’s free hand goes to Cosima’s temple, rubbing delicate circles, “I mean in your head.” 

“Making love to you.” Cosima murmurs, eyes tightly shut. The words send a rush of arousal shuddering down her body, Delphine groans in response unable to help herself. The memory is too clear all of a sudden, Cosima making love to her.

“How?” She shouldn’t ask, it’s wrong to ask. It’s a slippery slope to the affair she’s already told herself many times cannot take place. She cannot be the other woman, not for a man, not even for Cosima.

“With my mouth.” Cosima groans, eyes finally opening, dark and lidded.  
Hazel eyes bore into her own and she can no longer resist, she rolls on top of Cosima and even through their clothes it’s electrifying.

“Please. S’il te plait.” Delphine is begging against Cosima’s lips, pulling off her glasses and setting them on the beside table. Tell me this is okay, she thinks, tell me it’s not a real marriage. She’s crying, she knows she’s crying but Cosima doesn’t seem to care.

“We shouldn’t.” Cosima’s voice is barely a whisper against her lips, but her hands have already found Delphine’s hips, pulling her in closer.  
   
“We are.” Delphine husks back, lips descending on Cosima’s. It feels the same, exactly the same. She kisses her with as much tenderness as she can manage, infusing her movements with her love. Her stupidly boundless love directed solely at Cosima.

A thigh slips between her legs and she whimpers, “No.” Too far, too far....

“No?” Cosima stills, panting, looking almost panicked. Her heart aches, all of her aches. She needs Cosima, Delphine realizes sharply, and Cosima needs her...

“Don’t stop. Cosima, please.” She pulls Cosima back in hard, gently nipping at her upper lip, drawing her in again and again, Cosima rocking into her as she rucks up against her thigh. Their clothes are still on, it’s not really sex, Delphine justifies to herself as she kisses Cosima frantically, her hips pushing harder into a soft thigh as pressure releases and her climax tightens her body, coming with a strangled whimper. She knows, Delphine realizes coming down as Cosima props herself up to get a better look at her.

“Oh my god,” Cosima whispers softly, “You just came from that, you came for me.” She’s peppering kisses on her jaw, hands reaching to pull off Delphine’s pants. She watches hazily as Cosima undoes her fly.

“Yes.” Delphine confirms softly, pulling back, face flushed now. She reaches for Cosima’s pants, how can she deny her now? She’s already started this, she can finish it, shakily beginning to undress Cosima.

 

“You’re so beautiful. Still so beautiful.” Cosima has tears in her eyes as her hands continue to caress under her shirt, at the soft skin of her belly, her lower back. “It’s not enough.”

“Again?” Delphine asks, kicking her pants on to the floor. She separates just enough to yank Cosima’s sweater up and over her head. She’s bent on one thing only: getting Cosima inside of her.

“Yes.” Cosima answers, yanking Delphine’s blouse off, buttons flying off in every direction, “I’m going to make love to you all night.”

“And in the morning?” Delphine knows what she is truly asking, in the morning this conference ends, Cosima goes home to her husband.

“I don’t care.” Cosima roughly forces their lips back together.

Her bra is tossed off, and a hot mouth on her nipple. She can feel the cool metal of Cosima’s wedding band against her back, but she doesn’t care. Cosima wiggles out of her pants, and pushes their bodies back together.

“Are you okay?” Cosima breathes between kisses as she reaches for the band of Delphine’s white panties.

Delphine tries not to squirm, “Please... I need you.” She finally groans.

“You need me?” Cosima whimpers back, voice breaking.

“Yes.” Delphine whispers before Cosima claims her lips again, as her own hands unclasp a bra, watching Cosima toss it onto the floor before groaning at the sensation of their bodies pressed together.

“I love you.” Cosima whispers as she strips her own underwear off, “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. I was so stupid.” She murmurs at her between kisses pressed to already flushed skin..

“Je t’aime,” She assures Cosima as she watches the brunette slide down her body, tongue parting her. Hands guiding her legs up over Cosima’s shoulders as she presses her mouth to her sex sucking firmly. It’s almost like Cosima has been starved of this. Of me? Delphine wonders. Or of women? It’s too rough, her little cries seem to excite Cosima further and she has to get her attention.

“Gently.” Delphine grips her shoulders, “You’re hurting me.” 

“Sorry.” Cosima breaks contact, “Sorry... so sorry.” She turns gentle, flicking her tongue gently, hands smoothing at her skin.

“Cosima...” She moans, reaching down to catch Cosima’s hands in her own, to hold whatever parts of her she can. She can give herself to Cosima, they can begin again, Delphine tells herself.

She looks down at Cosima, nose buried in curls, breath staggered as she looks up at her, moving into her, kissing and licking at her.

Cosima hums into her, moans into her, until Delphine is moaning back, writhing beneath her perfect mouth.

She cries out as she comes again, shuddering hard against Cosima’s mouth, thighs clamping involuntarily around her ears. Tears fall freely, but neither of them mind, as she grabs Cosima firmly, kissing her deeply. They both struggle to catch their breath, to form words.

“Mon amour.” Delphine breathes, “Oh... Cosima.” Her hands are stroking soft skin, and Cosima feels the same, exactly the same against her.

“You feel so good.” Cosima groans back, claiming her lips in another kiss, “I didn’t think it would be like this.”

“Like what?” Delphine asks, kissing Cosima’s hairline, stroking now messy hair back from her face.

“So...” Cosima stops herself, “I just feel so much.” Cosima cries, her voice breaking, and her heart swells in response.

Delphine smiles sadly, pulling her down against her body and kisses her sweetly this time.


	21. Chapter 21

She groans at the sensation of so much skin on skin, Delphine continues to kiss her, hands stroking at her back. It’s too much, it’s way too much, Cosima realizes too late. Stupid, so stupid. How could she have thought that she could fuck Delphine and not feel this?

“Are you okay?” Delphine notices her distress and tries to calm her with comforting hands, still cradling her with her body.

 “Yeah.” Cosima nods, swallowing, “Just feeling a little overwhelmed.” It was supposed to be a letdown, she tells herself as she tries not to tear up again. She’s melting into Delphine. Delphine who will be gone in a couple weeks. Leaving her to what? Another few months of sobbing her eyes out? Of trying to explain this to David? Total mess… But it’s just one night, it can only be one night and then it’s done. Cosima reassures herself. Delphine is leaving, she can deal with her feelings later.

Delphine interrupts her thoughts with more soft kisses, “Me too... but so happy. I’m so happy Cosima.”

“Good.” Cosima tries to re-engage with this, lose herself in Delphine, she doesn’t want to think. Cannot think about tomorrow. Or Monday. How can Delphine take this so easily?

“What do you want?” Delphine asks softly as she rolls Cosima over, “Do you want my mouth?” Delphine toys with kissing down her body, delicately sucking at a nipple as she looks up at her mischievously.

“No... your hands.” Cosima shakes her head trying to remember how long it’s been since she last slept with David. Long enough, probably, that any remnants of the encounter have faded, but she doesn’t want to take that risk.

Delphine releases her nipple in surprise, “Are you sure? I just want to please you... I know... I remember how much you like it.”  
 Cosima catches Delphine looking down between her own legs, at the trimmed curls there and biting her lip, looking up again. It’s not nerves, she realizes as Delphine licks at her lower lip and smiles, it’s... excitement.

“I want to be able to kiss you.” Cosima says finally, reclaiming her lover’s lips in a kiss, tongue slipping out to meet Delphine’s, “I want to feel you inside of me.”  
   
Delphine moans something into her mouth, she’s not sure what she saying, only that the sound makes her throb response.

“Take your time.” Cosima plays with shorter brown curls, “I think I like your hair.” She wants this to be good for Delphine, as perfect as it can be given the circumstances.

She can feel Delphine smiling into their kiss. “Really?”

“Yup.”

“You don’t miss the blonde? Sometimes I do, but this is less work.”

“Kinda. Not really.” Cosima giggles playing with Delphine’s hair again, “It’s cute. You’re so cute.” So much is the same, and yet, Cosima lets her hands skim soft skin again, relearning Delphine’s body. Too much, she squashes the little voice in her head, screaming at her that she already feels too much.

“I like your tattoo...” Delphine catches her hand, “A dandelion?”

“Yeah.” Cosima smiles, watching Delphine delicately trace the dark lines with her tongue.

“J’aime tes hanches,” Delphine sighs, hands slipping down her her hips.

 “My hips? What else?” Cosima looks Delphine over, what does she like? What pleases her? Is it just her own body? Is it women? But Delphine had said she hadn’t enjoyed the last time...

“Tes fesses,” Delphine smiles dopily, her tongue poking out of her mouth, “Tes seins.”

She moans, even not knowing what the words mean, feeling Delphine’s fingers grip at her ass, and then move up to squeeze gently at her breasts. She arches into the touch, already aroused, but she cannot speed this up. She doesn’t want this to end.

“Everything Cosima. I like everything.” Delphine lets her hand dip low again, cupping between her thighs.   She hears Delphine moan at the feel of her, beginning to rub gently with her whole hand, gliding through her heat, making her breath hitch.

“Hurry.” Cosima begs, “Hurry...” She turns her head, looking away, it’s too much, way too much with Delphine looking at her like that. It doesn’t have to be different she tells herself, no different from her other affairs.

“No, look at me. Look at me when I touch you.” Delphine pleads, “I want to look at you.”

“Delphine...” She lets herself whine as their eyes lock again, “Delphine.” That’s it, she’s lost again, staring back into perfect eyes that hold her gaze. She wants everything, all at once. Delphine deep inside of her, Delphine’s voice murmuring her name, Delphine’s lips on her skin. She’s drowning in Delphine, in her own feelings, and she’s going to let herself.

**

“Ma belle Cosima,” Delphine croons back slipping two fingers inside of her. Will she still satisfy her? Cosima is swollen and dripping wet, she’d felt her against her body before, but now she has to muffle a groan at the feel of her. Strange and familiar all at once.

“Yes... inside.” Cosima groans, a hand moving to press on Delphine’s back, keeping their bodies close. She dips her head to a soft neck, nipping and sucking at sweet skin as she continues to move.

“You want me.” Her voice is muffled into skin but she knows Cosima hears her. She feels Cosima react to her own sounds, little groans at the feel of her.

“Yes. I want you. So much.”

“Is this enough?” Delphine asks, two fingers stroking more firmly into Cosima.

“More.” Cosima demands eagerly, “I can take more... I want you to fill me.”

Delphine moans in response dropping her head, as she carefully adds a third finger, “I want to fill you.” And she does, wants there to be no empty spaces in Cosima left, wants to sink into her and show her that they belong together. Then. Now. Always.

“Another.” Cosima husks, stroking Delphine’s jaw, letting her hands wander Delphine’s back. Soothing her, even now.

She’s afraid, and it shows as she gently thrusts, then withdraws, coating her fingers in Cosima’s arousal before pressing back in with four slick fingers. She feels her digits gently stretching Cosima as she slides them in.

“Yes... yes.” Cosima chants faintly, “Like that. You can push in a little more.”

Delphine is sure her lip is quivering as she feels Cosima tightening against her fingers, continuing to gently stroke into her, “Are you alright?” 

“Yes.” Cosima’s eyes are teary but she’s smiling, “I’m full of my Delphine, nothing could feel better.”

She lets out a cry in response, “Even when you’re...” Delphine lets herself trail off and attempts to redirect her thoughts to her hand, still mostly engulfed inside Cosima’s heat. She bites her lip, better to focus on this - Cosima warm, wet, and pleading for her. Nothing else exists, Delphine tells herself, there is no one but her and Cosima.

Cosima’s hand slides up from her back to her face again, “Hey... are you okay? I mean with this... it’s not like wrong for... ” Cosima fumbles with her words, thighs trembling on either side of Delphine’s body.

Wrong? No... no... Delphine thinks. Never. Is Cosima feeling guilty? Or ashamed of this?  
“This isn’t dirty, this isn’t wrong ... this is beautiful.” Delphine husks insistently as she moves over Cosima, inside of her. “Our love is beautiful.” It could never be anything else, Delphine reasons.

“I just... I want this to be perfect for you.” Cosima cries, hips rocking with Delphine’s gentle thrusts.

“C’est déjà parfait,” Delphine reassures her, “Our lovemaking is perfect.” Is it too much with four fingers? Is she hurting her?

“Just...fuck me... please.” Cosima begs softly, little moans emerging from her lips.

“Dis-moi que tu m’aimes.” Delphine demands. She wants to hear it, she needs to hear it. As many times as Cosima will indulge her.

“I love you.” Cosima answers desperately in response, “You know I love you.”

Delphine sobs in response, “I missed you.” Her fingers ache, her wrist aches but she cannot stop, not now. She feels everything. Cosima’s body. Her own undeniable need, her own love...

“Me or this?” Cosima breathes, arching her back under her, moving for her, moaning for her.

“You.” Delphine husks as Cosima tightens around her fingers, whimpering beneath her and it’s perfect, so very perfect. But she needs more than this, Delphine realizes moving down quickly to take a swollen clit into her mouth. Everything, she wants to give Cosima everything.

 The brunette thrashes, crying out loudly as Delphine flicks her tongue delicately. She moans happily into Cosima as she curls her fingers again, desperate to have Cosima come undone beneath her. Delighted with her taste, familiar, addicting...

Cosima comes, and she cries, tears dripping down her cheeks. It’s so clear, as Cosima lets herself collapse back on the mattress breathing heavy. They’re going to be together, really be together. Delphine grins, as she pulls out, worrying her lip as Cosima moans.

“Are you alright?”

“Way better than alright. Oh my god, Delphine...” Cosima laughs, pulling her up to kiss. How could they not after this? She wipes Cosima’s tears away with her thumbs. She’s smiling into their kiss, but the tears don’t stop.

“Oh no don’t cry.” Cosima croons at her, wiping her tears with her thumb, “You’re going to make me cry more.”

She pulls Cosima into her arms, kissing her nose before pressing her own against it. It’s not even that late but all she wants is to sleep in Cosima’s arms again, to stroke her skin and kiss her lips. So perfect, Delphine sighs to herself, this is going to be so perfect.

“Wait...wait... are you stopping?” Cosima seems distraught more so than annoyed.

“What?” Her brow furrows automatically, regarding her lover.

“Don’t stop... please Delphine.”

Her heart swells looking at the woman beneath her, and Delphine cannot help but oblige her. 

She reassures her between kisses, “I won’t stop... I won’t.” Not yet, Delphine tells herself, rubbing up against Cosima who smiles and groans in response. She’s going to show her, going to take Cosima every way she can. Make love to her every way she can, the rest can wait for the morning.

**

Cosima wakes to the feel of soft lips on her forehead, her cheeks. The body beside hers feels soft... and small. Delphine, she thinks letting herself grin for a moment. She’d fallen asleep in Delphine’s arms. The bed still smells of sex, Delphine still smells of sex. She’ll have to leave soon, shower and try to do that networking thing that she’s supposed to be doing. Or at least find her supervisor and try to ingratiate herself once again... Maybe Delphine would be up for a repeat performance tonight? Or this afternoon? Something before she goes home.

“Morning.” Cosima sighs, opening her eyes to look at Delphine, completely naked and hovering above her. It’s barely morning, but she’s suddenly wide awake.

“Are you hungry, mon amour?” Delphine continues to kiss her, look at her all gentle roaming eyes, all affection.

Cosima smiles back up at her not even minding the morning breath, “A little.”

“Do you want to go eat? Or ...do you want to ...?” Delphine lets herself trail off, straddling Cosima’s body and rubbing herself against her. She groans at the feel of her, before gripping undulating hips, letting Delphine grind on her, encouraging her.

“Inside.” Delphine insists, with another prolonged motion over her.  
   
Cosima obliges her willingly. Is this Delphine’s thing then? Quick hot affairs? Or... is this because it’s her? She watches Delphine’s head tilt back, eyes closing as she moves over her, moving her hips. It’s quiet for the first few minutes, the way it should be, moaning and bodies moving together.

“I love your sounds,” She breaks the silence, looking up at Delphine, watching her.

“You belong here.” Delphine husks as she moves over her, riding her hand.

“Ohh...” Cosima sighs despite herself, thrusting her fingers up into Delphine’s needy sex. Just a little longer, she promises silently, a bit more time with Delphine.

“La tienne.” Delphine sighs as she pistons her hips, “Yours. To taste. To fill. To fuck.”

A weekend of pleasure? Is that what Delphine wants too? Cosima grins,“Mine.”

“Only you... the rest of my life.” Delphine groans, smothering any protests with a kiss.

Cosima’s brow furrows, is Delphine really that deluded? Is this some sort of fantasy she wants to enact? She only has a few weeks left.

She shushes her instead, “Shh. No talking okay?” It already goes too deep, she knows well, she wants to be furious at herself for convincing herself she could just fuck Delphine. Stupid, Cosima tells herself, stupid, and Delphine is making it worse.

Delphine nods surging forward again, pushing down into her enthusiastically as her tongue darts out to tease Cosima’s own. Their lips barely separate to draw breath as they continue to move into each other in a steady rhythm.  
 It’s perfection, maybe Delphine was right. The chemistry between them was just... dizzying, Cosima thinks to herself, hazily as Delphine comes undone again easily, gushing her pleasure all over her.

Delphine melts into her, spent and almost immediately begins to giggle.

“What’s so funny?”

“I’m just... happy.” A warm hand reaches between her own legs, but Cosima finds herself wincing in response.

“Are you alright?” Delphine’s concern has her heart aching again, tears stinging at her eyes.

Cosima brushes it off, “Just sore.”

“I’m sorry.” Delphine lays apologetic kisses to her cheeks, her neck, her lips.

“I’m not,” Cosima brushes off the concern, “I’m sore from you. The best kind of sore. I wanted to be. I want to feel this all day.”

Delphine worries her lip, “It was too much?’

“I don’t know about that, but I haven’t gone all night since...” Cosima trails off wistfully before laughing again, laying quick kisses against Delphine’s cheeks.

“How long?”

“Years...” She lets herself lay back, bringing her arms up around Delphine to wrap tightly around her, hold her just a little bit longer, prolong the fantasy.

“Well, we’re going to have to be a little gentler with each other.” Delphine summarizes, “Get a little more sleep most nights, or you’ll never get your dissertation done.”

Cosima balks, “What?”

“When...” Delphine sighs happily, “When we make love again. When we’re having our life together or we’ll never get anything done.”

“Is that what you want?” Cosima mutters confused. Delphine cannot possibly be serious. Doesn’t she have something to do? Some place to be? She’s not staying, this fantasy is ridiculous and she won’t indulge it any more.

“Of course,” Delphine kisses her lips softly, toying with her upper lip with her teeth, “I know... I know things have to happen, and that you need to-”

Cosima cuts her off, “Delphine, it’s not fair... you’re leaving. Let’s just like enjoy this for what it is.”

“I’m not leaving.” Delphine says, taking her hand and holding it firmly, “I was offered the chance to cover Leekie’s sabbatical.”

“What?” This was not the plan, Cosima panics immediately, not the plan. Delphine around for a year? Passing her in hallways and trying not to think of this?

“I’m at Berkeley for another year. We have time,” Delphine gives her hand a squeeze, “We can be together.”

She shoves her off before she thinks, “Get off of me.”

“What?” Delphine is confused, staring at her, her curly hair a glorious mess. Beautiful, always beautiful... but...

“You lied to me.” Cosima grits her teeth as she hops out of bed and grabs a fluffy hotel robe from the bathroom door.

“No... not really.” Delphine has the nerve to crawl towards her, holding out a hand.

She wraps the robe around herself defensively, “What was this? Fuck me under false pretenses? Why are you doing this?”

“It wasn’t false pretenses... I just... I didn’t want to tell you yet. I wondered if you’d have wanted to see me if you knew. But you would have. You made love to me.” Delphine’s voice breaks and Cosima shudders, trying to brace herself against the sound, not react.

“No I fucking wouldn’t have. Because I am married, Delphine. You should have told me.” Cosima crosses her arms, staring down Delphine as she finally takes the hint and begins to redress.

“You wanted this last night. You said you loved me. You invited me.”

“It’s... it was just supposed to be once. Before you left. You told me you were leaving. You lied to me.” Cosima begins to pace frantically, grabbing at Delphine’s clothing off the floor and throwing it at her to make her point. Not fair, what was Delphine trying to do? Seduce her away. The same small voice reminds her that it was her own idea, her seduction of Delphine, her plan for a night of passion. She gestures frantically for a moment unspeaking.

“You don’t understand.”

“Understand what?” Cosima shoots back, stupid. So stupid…. why had she done this? Why hadn’t she listened to Felix? Had she even really listened to Delphine?

“We can be together, Cosima, listen to me.” Delphine grabs at one of her hands and she shakes her off as quickly as possible. Space. She needs space. As much as possible between the two of them.

“Be together? When you lied to me? You didn’t think being in the bay area for a year was worth mentioning to me? Why did you even come up here with me?”

“Non.” Delphine begs, “Cosima, please, listen to me. I love you.”

“You don’t even know me. Get out.” Cosima yells, pointing towards the door. “Out.” She knows she’s crying, and swatting Delphine’s shaking hands away from her.

“You don’t understand.”

“OUT!” Cosima repeats, furiously, before running to the bathroom and locking the door behind her. Some sort of barrier between herself and Delphine, anything to separate the two of them. She sinks to the floor cupping her head in her hands, letting herself cry. Love. Rage. Anger. At herself? At Delphine? What had she done? Fucked up. So fucked up.

“Cosima?” Delphine wails from the other side of the door, “Please.”

“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” Cosima mutters between sobs.

**

Delphine cries her way to the elevator, hands holding her blouse firmly shut. It’s early at least, few people will be up at the time. She presses the button nervously, looking around.

The door opens and she scoots inside, pressing the button for the seventh floor, it’s empty. She’s alone. It’s fine. She reassures herself through her tears.  
 How could Cosima be so cold? She’d held her, loved her, made love to her...  
Unless, Delphine thinks grimly, she’s not the only one.  
 The door opens, and she rushes to exit the elevator, colliding with a tall figure.

“Je m’excuse.” Delphine immediately lays on the charm, clutching her blouse shut. She backs up eyes widening when she sees with whom she has collided.

“Delphine.” Aldous Leekie nods at her, looking her up and down with a suspicious smirk.

“Aldous.” She responds nervously, taking another step backwards, away from the elevators.


	22. Chapter 22

She comes home to quiet, quickly slips off her shoes and makes her way up the stairs. Cosima sighs, she doesn’t want to wake David. The last thing she wants is him awake.

“Hey babe.” David mutters from his pillow as she slips into the room.

“Hey.” Cosima responds, quickly shucking off her clothes

“You’re home early.”

“Conference got kinda boring.” Cosima invents on a spur of the moment idea, as she slides into bed next to David, facing away from him.

“Too bad, ...so did you?”

“No.” Cosima lies quickly. She’s not in the mood, still sore, still hurting, still self-flagellating. At least the anger towards Delphine had dissipated. Every time she closes her eyes all she can see is Delphine touching her, the look of adoration on her face, the fear that set in when she’d kicked her out.

“Wait,” David eyes her carefully, “Are you lying to me?” A large hand slinks around her body, grabbing her between her legs.

Cosima groans swatting his hand roughly until he retracts it, “I don’t want to right now. I’m sore.”

“Sore?” David sits up, suddenly awake, “Like...”

“Go to sleep David.”

“Come on Cosima...” David flicks on the lamp, “You knew this was coming.”

She groans rolling over, “I just drove home from Colorado.”

“So? At least tell me. Was he better than me? Bigger?”

“Yeah. Fine.” Cosima lies again, letting David assume for the sake of his fantasy. It’s not like it matters anyways. Maybe, maybe it would help her forget. 

  
**

“Are you sure you’re okay?” David asks as he drinks his second cup of morning coffee.”

“Just go to work.” Cosima muffles a reply from the cocoon of blankets she’s created on the couch.

David strokes her hair from behind her, “I mean... like, are you pregnant? Is that why you’re so moody? Aren’t pregnant women supposed to be crazy hormonal?”

Cosima snorts, “We don’t have sex often enough for me to get pregnant.”

“We did before you left.” David reminds her, “And last night...”

“Too soon to say. I’ll test if I miss a period, okay?” Cosima brushes him off, turning again, not wanting to move.

“Fine. You want coffee?”

“I’ll get my own. Don’t mother me. Go to work.” Cosima grumbles wanting nothing more than to be left alone. And maybe some ice cream.

“Right. Bye.” David lays a quick kiss to the top of her head, before heading out for the day.

She groans, no one around to hear her, eventually she manages to fall asleep.

“Cosima open this door.” Felix knocks insistently at her front door, “You were supposed to meet me three hours ago.”

“Go away.” She’s wrapped herself in blankets on the couch.

“No. I had to go visit Colin in the hospital, by myself, and it was torture.”

Cosima reluctantly forces herself off of the couch long enough to open the door.

“You look like hell.” Felix looks her up and down, “What happened to you? David ride you all night? Or was it the drive... or the Delphine?”

Cosima answers in a pained moan, shuffling towards the kitchen, “You want tea?”

“Yeah. I could do with tea.” Felix grins, “But you’re going to tell me what the hell is going on.”

“So how was Colin?”

“Lost weight. Looks like shit. Feels worse.” Felix summarizes quickly, “And the whole time I kept thinking - that could be me in six months. Hell I know, he probably caught it from me.”

“We don’t know that.” Cosima turns from her kettle, “We don’t know who you exposed, or where you picked it up.”

“Could have been carrying it for years.”

“Or you could have been infected a few months before the test. No one can tell Felix. I’ve been reading all the research on it.”

“I’m... what did you call it again?”  
 “Asymptomatic. You’re not showing symptoms so calm down, do something productive. I don’t know, paint something. Or volunteer.”

Felix rolls his eyes, leaning back against the counter, “Have you eaten?”

“Not yet.” Cosima admits, “I had a rough night.”

“So it was always-David-never-Dave...” Felix groans, “How long is this going to go on? I mean you don’t even like it.”

“That’s not true.” Cosima answers automatically.

“Yes it is. Your idea of a good shag involves burying your face in some other girl’s-”

Cosima cuts him off, trying to avoid the recent memory of having Delphine, “Okay, can we just stop with the imagery?”   
“You’re the one who loves it. Me?”

“All men, all the time. Yeah I know.” Cosima opens the fridge door glancing around for something quick to eat, finding a surplus of take-out containers as per usual.

“You fucked Delphine didn’t you?” Felix sighs dramatically crossing his arms, “Stupid move Cos.”

“No... no of course not.”

“Yes. Yes you did. I can tell when you’re lying. I haven’t seen you this broken up since-” Felix stops at the glare that crosses Cosima’s face, “Well?”

“Felix... it was... it was so good.” Cosima admits, she won’t tell him about... love, but the rest of it, maybe.

His eyebrows shoot up in response, “Really?”

“Yeah.” Cosima swallows, laughing slightly. Delphine hadn’t been perfect, a little clumsy maybe, but... so perfect the same.

“Hmm.” Felix pauses, turning off the burner to pour tea into a waiting teapot, “So, is it out of your system?”

“No.” Cosima groans, head falling forward, “I fucked it up. But she tricked me.”

“What do you mean Delphine tricked you?”

“Delphine is staying a year. Covering Leekie’s sabbatical of all things.” She covers her face with her hands, facing Delphine after that? Worst punishment ever.

“And who knows what she had to do to get that,” Felix’s eyebrows raise.

“She didn’t even tell me, let me go on...” Cosima groans, she would have never been so haphazard if she’d known Delphine was staying. It probably would have taken months.

Felix interrupts her impatiently, “Let you go on taking her to dinner, showing her your photos... her photos probably, and... she seduced you? Cos... I know you better than that.”

“It was supposed to be just once.”

“And it can be... but... women are in your future. Lesbian. Kind of how it goes.” Felix teases her, selecting his own random container from the fridge.

“Are you going to eat that?”

“Why not?” Felix shrugs, “David won’t. He’ll just leave it in the fridge until you eat it or it goes bad.”

“Mystery lunch?

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” Cosima puts her hands up in a mock surrender.

“So, pining once again?”

“Am not.”

“You have your pining face on.”

Cosima grimaces, shoving Felix out of her way, “Do not.”

“Then eat something.” Felix dares, stopping her when she reaches for the freezer, “Something not ice cream.”

“I’m fine.”

“Oh not that shite. You’re not fine Cosima. And it’s about Delphine.”

“Is not.”

“Then it’s about your miserable sham of a marriage. Why do you put up with this? Really? Why?”

“Just like... let it go.” Cosima waves him off with increasingly frantic gestures.

“Why? Like why David? Why Delphine... Have you forgotten? Every time you see her you’re screwed up for weeks. Months last time.”

“I know... it was complicated. I mean there were multiple factors, and you know why I married David. And I think you know why I chased after Delphine.” Cosima covers her face with her hands.

“Yeah. You’re infatuated with her.” He sets his take-out container on the oak table, turning to face her.

“I’m in love with her Felix.” Cosima admits quietly.

“What?” Felix leans back against the table, arms crossed and eyes rolling.

“I’m in love with Delphine. Was. Still am. So just let it go. I’ll get over it again.” Cosima brushes him off, changing her mind.

“And I thought Shay was bad. She was so annoying and every time she opened her mouth it got worse.”

“Leave it.”

“God, if I had to hear one more things about auras or wheatgrass, I would have killed her. I swear.

“It’s been over for years. It’s done. Drop it.”

“You moved to a fucking commune.”

“And then I moved back,” Cosima retorts throwing her arms up in the air.

“She tried to fix my chakras. I don’t even think she knew what a chakra was.”

Cosima giggles finally unable to help herself, “It could be worse.”

Felix laughs back, “It could be worse, yeah.”

 

**

  
_She’s being taken from behind, the bed creaking with their frantic movements._  
_Hands and knees press into an unfamiliar bed in a dark room._

_"Ahh...ah...ah..." Her voice catches with each thrust from the body behind hers. And it's good. She lets her head drop forward, slumping towards the pillow, ass up in the air._

_Her body quaking gently as she approaches orgasm._

_"Oh baby." A soft voice croons, too soft. Confusion marrs the passion briefly._  
_She reaches a hand back to find a soft rounded hip where she had expected to find an angular one._

_"Cosima? How...? " She knows the answer of course, she’s dreaming again. Another dream that makes no sense. She slides her hand back until she’s squeezing at Cosima’s ass._

_"Delphine... " Cosima moans hungrily, "I'm so close." She leans down against her back, Delphine can feel the softness of her breasts pushing into her back as she keeps thrusting steadily behind her, strong hands gripping hips._

_She whimpers in response, "I love you." There is nothing left to say._

_"I love you so much." Cosima responds instantly, never slowing her movements._

_"C'est parfait." Delphine echoes her own foggy memory, she’s said this to Cosima before._

_"I'm going to come inside you."_

_"Oui. Fais-le." She'd forbid it, under normal circumstances, but this is Cosima. This is for Cosima. "I want you to. " Wants to give Cosima everything she can._

_Cosima's ragged cries are sweet and have her quickly shattering with her own low sounds. The orgasm tightens her body, fingers digging into the soft flesh of Cosima's buttock,before falling away._

_"Delphine... Delphine. " Cosima sobs behind her as she falls to the mattress, pressing into her back._

_But when she’s turned over to look into Cosima’s dark eyes and grinning face, her lover's body is perfectly female once again. She takes a quick inventory with her hands listening to muffled groans as her own hand presses against Cosima’s dripping centre._

_Cosima cups her face in her hands, "Why don't you love me?"_

_"I do, I do love you. " She protests, covering Cosima’s hands and face with kisses. She does and she’ll prove it._

Delphine wakes in a sweat, some part of her wanting to pant despite her lack of physical activity. She's crying, again, over Cosima. Over her small lonely sparsely-furnished apartment with its white walls and tiny kitchen.  
"Les rêves sont bizarres." Delphine coaches herself. Dreams are weird. Her dreams of Cosima had always been a bit too much. Too strange.

Cosima. Her heart breaks again just thinking about it. The same dull ache she’d been living with for days. She'd made love with Cosima, given herself to her, only to realize that Cosima's agenda was different from her own. She resists falling into keening sobs again, she’d disturbed her neighbour last time. A young man who seemed more distracted by her face than distressed by her tears.

Coffee. Delphine decides. She just needs coffee and she’ll start her day.


	23. Chapter 23

By some strange chance, Delphine has managed to avoid Cosima for the better part of three weeks, enough to get the term underway and her students moving forward in her classes. She assumes Cosima must be at the university, at least some of the time.

She still dreams of her, that much is beyond her control, but at least she’s not confronted with Cosima standing in front of her every day.

Somehow she wasn’t expecting Cosima to just show up while she’s hunched over her desk marking things.

“Umm hey.”

“Office hours are for students.” Delphine responds without looking up, she doesn’t need to.

“I am technically a student.”

“PhD. Not one of mine.” Delphine finally lets her eyes leave the paper she is marking to meet Cosima’s own.

“So... how are you? Really?” Cosima seems to soften moving towards her.

Delphine sets her face into professional mode, “I’m fine. Busy. Do you need something?”

“How do you do that? Just...turn off like this?”

“I’m not doing anything.” Delphine stands to face Cosima, “I’m doing my job.”

“What did you have to do to land this office?”

Delphine stopped for a moment gaping in disbelief.

“What? Don’t want to answer me?” Cosima tilts her head again, moving closer.

“I’m covering Dr. Leekie’s sabbatical, so yes, I do get to use his office.” Delphine composes herself, pointing at the temporary nameplate. In all honesty, she’s not fond of it, but that’s what they’ve asked her to do. She’s left most of the books untouched, shelved others.

“And what did you have to do to get that?” Cosima asks her again, hands gesturing out something that is pushing it too far.

“I applied for it.” Delphine responds curtly, closing the door behind Cosima. Hiding whatever this is from her students, from the other staff.

“You expect me to believe that?”

“Yes. I do.”

“That’s ...”

“Cosima, if that is what you choose to believe...” Delphine shrugs, there’s no point arguing with her if that is truly what Cosima thinks of her.

Cosima scoffs at her, “Why should I?”

Delphine sets her jaw, “Believe what you want. It’s the truth. Just like you cheating on your husband. I’m not the only one, am I?”

The brunette turns instantly defensive, “That has nothing to do with this.”

“I think it does.” Delphine crosses her arms, “Is there anything else you want to say? Or are you going to go now?”

“Delphine... we’re going to have to get along.” 

“Why the rest of the anthropology department doesn’t?” Delphine tosses back, Cosima can’t argue with the tenuous department politics playing out all around them. Profs already hate each other, scramble to win over the best students, pull them into the internal tug-o-war.

“It would make it easier. We’re both in archeology. We’re using the same labs, teaching the same students.”

“For the year.”

Cosima’s eyes seem to soften at her words, “Just the year then?”

“I don’t know. I don’t have much of a reason to stay, do I? What do you want Cosima?”

“I just want to talk to you.” Cosima throws back.  

“Why?”  Delphine counters.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were staying?”

“Cosima.” She finds her voice breaking despite herself. Whatever walls she’s constructed for her coworkers, for her students, seem to be structurally unsound around Cosima.

The door swings open before either of them can say another word.

“What?” Cosima turns around.

“What is it Scott?” Delphine breathes, happy for the distraction.

“Umm Cosima...” Scott pops his head into the office, “You have the car today?”

Cosima turns her head, “Yeah. What is it Scott?”

He enters the office somewhat reluctantly, “I can’t stop the bleeding -” His hand sports a new deep cut. He has the decency to appear incredibly sheepish. 

“What did you do?” Cosima shouts.

As Delphine responds stunned, “I thought you studied pottery.”

“Yeah, I tried to do this experimental archeology thing with the lithics guys. Knapping chert... it didn’t go well.”

“So, emergency room? Hospital?” Delphine looks to Cosima instantly, she’s wrapped her own hand around Scott’s, applying pressure through the towel.

“Right. Okay. Hospital. Yeah, you’re going to need like... 5 stitches.” Cosima observes, squinting her eyes at the cut again.

“I’ll drive,” Delphine volunteers, shaking her head as she gathers her purse and keys, “My office hours are over anyways.”

“Do you have a car?” Cosima looks at Delphine in surprise.

“I’m borrowing yours.”

**

Delphine holds open the door to backseat of David’s car, “Get in. Give me your keys.” She instructs calmly.

“Right.” Cosima hands over the keys stunned, sliding into the backseat behind Scott. It’s a strange picture, Delphine behind the wheel of the Audi.

“Apply pressure to the cut.” Delphine’s voice cuts through the fog.

“Man, David’s going to be pissed if I bleed in here.” Scott mutters quietly.

“Don’t worry about it Scott. We’ll go get you some stitches.”

“Seat belts.” Delphine reminds them, starting the engine and pulling out of the parking lot.  

“I’m sorry to interrupt whatever you were fighting about.” Scott mumbles his apology.

“Yeah it’s fine Scott.” Cosima brushes him off, keeping her hands clamped tightly around his.

“Why did you decide to knap chert?” Delphine calls back, through French mumblings neither of them are sure they understand.

“Umm the guys said it was easy. And I wanted to try making a hand-axe.”

“Right. Okay. Let’s just go to the ER.” Cosima interrupts.

“Stupid move Scotty.” She adds in a hushed tone.  
   
“Don’t call me that.”

“Please be quiet. S’il vous plait. I haven’t driven a car in months.”

“Umm you know that this is David’s car, right?” Scott says as Cosima gives his hand an extra squeeze.

“I do now,” Delphine responds with a sigh, “I’ll be careful.” 

**

“How long is this going to take?” Cosima whines from her seat between Delphine and Scott in the ER waiting room.

“Shh.” Delphine shushes her, quickly pressing a delicate hand briefly to her shoulder, before jerking it away at the sight of Cosima’s face turning towards her.

“I’m the one bleeding.” Scott reminds them, “Cheer up.”

“It won’t be long now,” a young nurse promises, briefly checking his bleeding and handing him a fresh piece of gauze.

“Thank you.” Scott says as the nurse replaces the bandage.

“We’ll stitch you up when we get a chance.” The nurse apologizes, moving on to check on a crying child who has no doubt broken her wrist.

“Keep applying pressure Scott.” Cosima pats him on the back.

On the far side of the ER, a child is wailing and she finds herself digging her fingernails into her hands against the sound. Unable to stop herself from wincing, Cosima resorts to closing her eyes.

“Are you alright?” Delphine says suddenly, turning to face her.

“I’m fine.” Cosima mumbles her response, “I just hate hospitals.”

“Okay, Scott - we’ll stitch you up now.” The nurse guides Scott up by the elbow, “Are either of you his wife or girlfriend?”

“No.” Cosima and Delphine chorus together.

“I’d rather get stitched up by myself.” Scott informs the nurse quickly, looking relieved at escaping them both.

A few moments of silence pass, punctuated by conversation and a now squalling infant on the far side of the room.

“I can take transit back home.” Delphine volunteers quickly, handing back the car keys.

“I’ll drive you home if you want.” Cosima volunteers, surely she could manage a quick drive with Delphine.

“You should wait for Scott.” Delphine tells her, “Drive him home. Tell him to stick to pottery.”

“Yeah true. I don’t have many friends left.” Cosima chuckles humourlessly.

“What?” 

“Oh... well marry a man and your lesbian friends tend to-” Cosima knows her gestures are easy enough to read, being cut off is clear enough anyway.

“That’s terrible.”

“I knew what I was getting into. I mean I thought they were more open-minded than that, but… yeah.”

“Did you really?” Delphine’s voice is a low whisper.

“Kind of…” Cosima tilts her head, well aware that she’s flirting, “Does anyone ever?”

“Does he know?”

She cannot hide the surprise in her voice, “David? Yeah. He knows.”

“Then why get married at all?” Delphine shakes her head.

“You’re supposed to be French. Don’t French people all take lovers anyways?” Cosima waves off the question, it’s too much to answer.

Delphine rolls her eyes as she gathers her bags, and walks out the door.

 

“Delphine?” Cosima calls after her pointlessly, sinking back down into the uncomfortable chair.

**

By the time she’s dropped Scott off back at his apartment, she’s running late.

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” She curses under her breath as she drives home trying to remember what day it is. Is it Thursday? It can’t be Thursday, her in-laws are arriving on Thursday. She’s supposed to have the car back early on Thursday.

She parks the car, and heads into the house as quickly as she can, just check the calendar and try to figure out what day it is.

“Cosima.” Her mother-in-law’s voice calls out from the dining room, “We were just talking about you.”

“Hi Frank, Helen. Sorry I didn’t mean to be late.” Cosima apologizes, eyes quickly meeting David’s with hopeful smile. Her grey-haired in-laws sit on their chairs, their bags obviously already taken up to the guestroom.

Frank laughs pleasantly, “I don’t know how you ever let yourself lose track of this one, David.”

 “We had to call a taxi to pick us up at the train station,” Helen shakes her head, “David told us you’re always getting sidetracked with something at the university. Hazard of academics I guess?”

“Yeah I had to take Scott to the ER.” Cosima sits down next to David feeling sheepish as he puts his arm around her.

“Who’s Scott?” Helen asks with concern, directing her question to David. Cosima tries not to grimace, reminding herself again that her inlaws were born in the 1920s, that they were stuck in a weird 50s time warp that has nothing to do with her life. Or David.

David shakes his head, giving Cosima a quick squeeze, “He’s just-”

“Scott,” Cosima answers, bent on speaking for herself, “Is a friend of mine. Fellow PhD candidate. I was his TA years ago.” Why Helen was more interested in who Scott is than an emergency room trip can go unremarked on. What did she think? That Scott was a threat to David? The thought is laughable.

“That’s nice of you, ” Helen smiles, “Anyways, so we came in from Sandra’s this morning, you wouldn’t believe how big your nephews are getting.”

Frank jokes pleasantly, “The great tour of children and grandchildren. All 3 kids and five grandkids visited. You’re last on the list David, until you give us some more motivation to visit.”

“It’s because you’re the furthest away.” Helen brushes off her husband’s joke, “And you travel for work, though now that you’re married again-” Helen stops herself with a long look at Cosima, “Sorry dear, you probably don’t want to think about that.”

“Actually it doesn’t bother me.” Cosima responds nonchalantly, “Relationships don’t work for all sorts of reasons, people get divorced. It happens.”

Her in-laws nod somewhat awkwardly and start in on their favourite subjects: vacations, food and grandchildren. Both David’s siblings are married and parents. John and his two kids. Sandra and her three.

David tries to steer the conversation to work and travel, commenting patiently on stories of his nephews and nieces, acknowledging his siblings’ accomplishments, never volunteering much about himself.

“I miss having babies around.” Helen comments hopefully, skimming through her newest album of photographs.

“Oh, lay off Helen,” Frank chides her, “Cosima is so young.” He gestures towards her.

“I’m 27, not that young.” Cosima answers, well aware that she often looks much younger than that. Still, she doesn’t need any more pressure on herself, not with the dissertation and Delphine and... she stops her thoughts and pastes a smile on her face.

“Still a decade younger than David here, sometimes I wonder how he managed to convince you to marry him. Oh look at your wedding pictures.” Helen distracts herself by hopping up to her feet with surprising ease to stare at the photo on the wall.

“He asked me.” Cosima answers, even though it’s not really a question. She won’t delve more, not the ‘marriage-as-economic unit’ or the ‘marrying-for-love-as-foolish’, or the cultural-historical perspective David had taken that had impressed her with his research and fascinated her the same.

“She said yes, that’s the important part,” David smirks with a laugh and another squeeze of his arm.

“I guess he learned to be romantic then.” Frank jokes watching Cosima wiggle out from David’s grasp, “Are you kids ready for dinner?”

“I have the reservation already, it’s for seven.” David volunteers pleasantly, “I’ll drive, dad, you can just relax.”

“I’m just going to go change, I’ll be right back.” Cosima promises, taking a deep breath and climbing up the stairs.

“It’s a such a shame neither of you cook.” Helen comments to herself, “It’s such a great kitchen you have here.”

“Cosima does, when she has time, makes a terrible mess though.” She hears David answer from her place half-way up the stairs.

“Oh we can’t ask her to do that, not with the dissertation. She spends so much time away from you already… well I guess you’re not newlyweds anymore but still. Barely married a year.” Helen drones on making more assumptions.

She changes as quickly as she can, making sure to scrub any dried blood off of her hands, before heading back downstairs to face David and his parents. It’s only for a few days, she coaches herself, she can manage not to offend them for a few days. Just like their Christmas visit, Cosima reminds herself.

“He was always such a funny kid,” Frank comments to her on their way out the door, “But, it all worked out.”

“I was a funny kid myself.” Cosima comments brightly, holding the door for her father-in-law

“Such a shame your parents couldn’t make the wedding. I would have loved to have met them. That’s where you get the best stories from, I remember at John’s wedding to Shirley, her father told the most amusing stories...”

“That’s nice.” Cosima tries to guide Frank more quickly to the car.

“Cosima doesn’t get along with her parents, remember? I told you.” David speaks quietly to his father, “Stop bringing them up.”

“Such a shame.” Helen comments sadly, “Well, it was such a small wedding anyways..”

“Let’s just go eat.” Cosima opens the car door for her mother-in-law, “I’ll sit in the back with Helen.” On the bloody seat, she adds quietly to herself, positioning her body over the slight stain on the fabric.

“Babe, the mirrors are weird again.” David stops to adjust the seat and mirrors, “Every single time she drives.” He shakes his head with a laugh.

“Such a little thing.” Frank laughs, “Ah, well you have to be careful with that one David.”

“I know.” He answers his father, smiling at the joke, but his eyes meet hers in the mirror, completely sincere.

Cosima shuts her eyes in response, not wanting to prolong eye contact. Not now, not today.

Helen’s hand lands on her shoulder, “You alright?”  
   
“Fine. Long afternoon at the ER,” Cosima excuses her behaviour, trying not to remember Delphine’s hand on her shoulder earlier today. The hurt look in dark hazel eyes when she’d insinuated how the française had landed her job. Even if Delphine had, was she really any better? Could they have any kind of closeness now? Was it even possible to be friends?

“You’re always somewhere else, aren’t you?” Helen comments gently, looking her over as they pull out of the driveway.

“Sometimes.”

“Must be the dissertation. All that stress.” Helen decides on the cause, giving her hand another firm pat.

“Oh, Cosima loves archeology.” David speaks to them, “I never want her to give it up, not anything that makes her happy, you know?”

“Good answer, son.” Frank laughs jovially, “Always the right answer.”

 Cosima finds herself laughing with this family, trying to remind herself that they’re hers now.


	24. Chapter 24

“Cosima? Would you like some more salad?” Helen nudges the bowl across the table of a carefully prepared lunch.

“No thanks Helen, that’s great.” Cosima smiles, “I’m going out actually, I-”

“Oh? David said you don’t go in on Fridays.”

“Oh umm I’m meeting a friend.” Cosima invents wildly, she’ll go to Felix’s or Scott’s, just get out of here.

“Oh? What’s her name?”

Cosima is about to correct her mother-in-law, when struck by inspiration she answers, “Delphine.”

“Oh that’s nice, well you girls have fun. We’re eating late, but I’ll see you for dinner.”

“Great, enjoy the house - you have the spare keys?”

“Yes. Don’t worry, David said he’d be home this afternoon - you go and enjoy the time with a friend.” Helen is beaming at her, seemingly delighted that she hasn’t mentioned the name of another man.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll take public transit... just enjoy the house and the yard... and I’ll be back later.” Cosima bumbles her way out of the kitchen smiling.

She heads for Felix’s first, banging on the door as soon as she arrives. Music is blaring inside, disco, of course.

“Felix!” She pounds her fist on the door again.

“Busy.” Felix yells back over.

Cosima counters, “Doing what?”

“Having sex.” He yells back over the loud music, and she swears she can hear laughter.

“You haven’t had sex in -” Cosima pauses listening to the other sounds, maybe Felix is telling the truth. “I’ll come back later.”

She stumbles back down the stairs to the street. Scott’s. She’ll go hide out at Scott’s. Of course that’s right near Berkeley...

**  
Cosima manages to get into Scott’s building only to come face to face with Scott in the hallway. She gapes to find he’s not alone.

Scott stops in his tracks, “Oh, hi Cosima, we were just on our way-”

Cosima stares wordlessly looking from Scott back to the young brunette next to him.

“Scott’s taking me to see Back to the Future.” The young woman smiles happily, fingers intertwined with Scott’s.

“Wait... you’re the nurse from the ER.”

“I’m Daisy.” The young woman smiles brightly, “I joked about beaming him up, and he asked me to a movie.”

“That’s...nice?” Cosima struggles to find words. Scott with a girl? Since when did Scott date? She resists the urge to tease him, resolving to wait until later when Daisy isn’t with him.

“Bye Cosima.” Scott waves, quickly leading Daisy away before she can do any damage to their blossoming romance. Cosima snorts unable to help herself, Scott’s not wrong. She wanders the short walk to campus, heading down into the basement for the labs on a whim.

Her heart pounds all the way down the stairs. Anxiety? Worry? Excitement? Over seeing Delphine? Or… that she won’t be there. She’s not even sure what would be worse.

She glances into the mostly empty lab, chalkboard sporting familiar writing and signs that a class has recently ended.

“Hi.” She eases herself up onto the table near the hunched over woman, she’d know that writing, and those curls, anywhere.

“You are an asshole.” Delphine barely looks up from the sample she is examining in the lab.

“Yes. Yes I am.” Cosima agrees, “Now please talk to me.”

“Why?” Delphine breathes out the word slowly.

“Because I’m bored?”

Delphine responds without looking up, turning over the scapula on the table, “If you are bored, why don’t you go home, or work on your dissertation.”

Cosima stomps her foot, “Because I miss you? Because I actually believe part of you, maybe a very small part now... wants me around.”

“You’re lonely.” Delphine surmises.

“No,” Cosima answers defensively, “Are you?”

Delphine lets out a long sigh, finally looking up at her, “If you’re going to stay? You’re going to help.” Delphine lays a stack of papers in front of her.

“You want me to do your marking?” Cosima balks at the request, looking down at the thick stack of papers. 

“Do something useful, just check through the lab reports - see if they actually did the work.”

“I-”

“It’s just human skeletal biology, you know this stuff Cosima.” Delphine pushes a pen towards her, and returns to examining the scapula in front of her.

“What’s with the scapula?” Cosima asks, looking at Delphine again, soft curls just long enough to fall into her face.

Delphine looks up horrified, “I think there’s nail polish on it.”

“Yours?”

Delphine snaps, “Of course it’s not mine. One of the students.” She lets out a loud sigh pressing her hand to her face.

“It’ll be okay, just scrape it off with your nail.” Cosima suggests.

“Are you insane?”

“No, but what else are you going to do? Students pull that crap all the time. Usually it’s just pen marks which is why you ban pens from the lab.” Cosima shrugs, shuffling through the papers. Most of them are finished, or so it seems.

“Or I could leave it.”

“Yeah. Pretend you don’t notice. Or that you don’t know who left it.”

Delphine’s brow furrows as she returns the scapula to its container, “I have my suspicions.”

“You’ll sleuth her, or him, out.” Cosima nods, “Only 5 of your students appear to be slackers.”

“Great. Saves me time. I’ll just fail them.” Delphine holds out her hand, “Give me those five.”

“Seriously?”

“They did not complete the in-class assignment, so they fail it. Hopefully they’ll learn for the next one.” Delphine finishes with a sigh.

Cosima laughs nervously, “Come get coffee with me.”

She watches Delphine bite her lip, looking down for a moment, and she begins to back off, offering Delphine more space.

“Okay.” Delphine says finally, “Just coffee.”

“Just coffee.” Cosima repeats decisively, “And archeology talk. Let me grill you on your dissertation. Or Ethiopia. Or wherever else you’ve worked.”

“Sounds good.” Delphine responds after another long pause, “I need to put these in my office.”

“I can wait.”

“No, you can help. Grab those two books over there.” Delphine instructs with a wave of her hand.”

Cosima grins genuinely, “Sure. I can totally do that.”

****

“Delphine I can’t answer that.” Cosima scoffs warmly, picking up her mug delicately.

“You can.” Delphine pushes forward slightly on her elbows forcing eye contact.

Cosima laughs warmly, “There’s no proof either way.”

“So... which theory do you subscribe to?”

“Whichever one with more evidence at this time.”

“So what about head binding?”

“I mean it’s possible there’s some natural variation involved, but adults with the flattened heads were probably strapped up as babies, forced the fontanelles to fuze like that.”

Delphine teases with a genuine smile, “Hmm so not aliens then?”

“Tempting, but no. Try Scott.” Cosima chuckles happily.

“So that’s the most interesting skeletal remains you’ve seen?”

“West coast, remember? We can’t all excavate in Ethiopia and Egypt... and... holy shit Delphine. I’m not sure if I’m more jealous of the early human ancestors or the fact you were in Egypt.”

Ordinarily she’d smile, tease back or launch into a longer explanation of her time there. But with Cosima one word seems to capture her more than any other. Jealous. Delphine bites her lip considering; is that what she is? Does she feel like she has some overarching claim to Cosima that defies logic and Cosima’s own autonomy.

“I guess we’re both jealous then.” Delphine decides finally, looking back up into Cosima’s eyes.

“You don’t want to be jealous of me. Trust me.” Cosima laughs, “I... I’m hiding from my in-laws.”

Delphine pauses, wondering if Cosima has purposely misunderstood her.  
“That is why you’re here? Avoiding your inlaws?” Delphine shakes her head, “I’m happy you came anyways.”

“Do you really want to know more about my marriage?” Cosima offers finally.

“Oui.” Delphine answers affirmatively, it would be better than this guessing and hypothesizing out dozens of different scenarios in her head.

“My marriage is...” Cosima sighs, closing her eyes and shaking her head, “Wow this is harder than I thought.”

Delphine prompts gently, “Tell me how you met David?”

“At a party my neighbours threw three years ago.” Cosima answers frankly, “We became friends, he’s interesting and articulate and...”

“You fell in love with him?” Delphine suggests cautiously.

Cosima shakes her head taking another long sip of coffee, “No. I liked him, very much. We were friends.”

“And you were?”

“With another woman at the time.” Cosima answers quietly, glancing around to make sure that they are not being overheard.

“Oh.” 

“So after that ended, and other shit... he one day starts talking about the history of marriage. And he goes and asks me to marry him.”

“Didn’t he know that...?”

“Yup. I laughed, I couldn’t help it, I thought he was joking.” Cosima’s animated once again, unable to keep herself from laughing.

“Why’d you say yes?” She leans in dropping her voice, trying to watch Cosima’s face, her cues to see if something else would be revealed. She watches Cosima squirm uncomfortably for a moment, would she answer her?

“Well he made some good points about romantic love being unstable, my current ‘lifestyle’ getting me fired... and then he told me-” Cosima seems to think better of whatever she was going to say and closes her mouth, “Let’s keep this about me, not about David. We’re great friends, and there’s so much good there - and it’s actually made the whole career thing a hell of a lot easier.” Cosima spits out the last few words, almost resentfully.

“So it’s... a friendship marriage? For your career?” Delphine theorizes. Of course it leaves one question: what is in it for David? Is it Cosima? Is she simply that irresistible to him as well?

“More or less. I mean we still like...” Cosima tilts her head and shoots her a look, “We do it... but not often.” 

Delphine’s brow furrows again, “And he lets you sleep with women?”  

“And men.” Cosima throws in without second thought.

“Why?”

“It...doesn’t bother him.” Cosima shrugs, “People are different in what they want, right? Human sexual needs and desires are diverse, and we thought that we’d match up in other ways.”

Delphine silently regards her coffee for many long minutes, “But how can you?”

“Sleep with David? You’re the one who told me maybe few of us are 100% anything.”

“True.” As if she could forget that conversation, anything about her time with Cosima in Italy.

“And you know, it’s just sex, right? So... yeah I,” Cosima drops her voice, “I have others. Sometimes. Always short term.”

“Okay.” Delphine bites her lip, “Why me?”

“I could never help myself with you.” Cosima grins slightly, “I’m sorry, I ... I never meant to like hurt you. I just... I thought it was a one time thing and we would just go our separate ways, no one gets hurt.”

“And since I’m here?” 

“We can’t... well we could, but.. that’s not really what you want, is it?” Cosima regards her softly.

She takes a moment to respond, trying to calm the pounding of her heart, “It isn’t. I can’t be just...I can’t be your mistress.”

“I know.” Cosima reaches across the table to give her hand a quick squeeze, bringing colour instantly to her cheeks, “We could just do this?”

“What? Talk archeology and get coffee?” Delphine laughs despite herself. A totally casual pastime, being what? Colleagues? Friends?

Cosima grins again, “Why not?”

“Of course we can.” Delphine answers decisively, she has self-control, she can let herself have Cosima in this one small way.

 

**  
Delphine smiles to herself as she climbs the stairs up to her apartment. There’s a lightness in her that had been missing for a while. She unlocks the door unable to keep the smile from her face.

Still her Cosima, in a way. Even if this is all it can be. For now, Delphine reasons with herself. Delphine flicks on the light switch, running a hand through her own curls.

She rummages through her fridge, gathering ingredients for an omelet. She’s chopping up onions and peppers, would Cosima ever join her here? Want to eat with her? Live with her?

Her mind is racing far ahead of reality, picturing Cosima here with her. Dark hair falling into her face, clear aviator glasses and winning smile. The face of her love.

Cosima coming to her telling her that she’s left him, left David. Wrapping Cosima in her arms, promising love, a place to stay, a shoulder...

Delphine shakes off the fantasy, placing her ingredients into a frying pan and reaching back into the fridge to get the eggs, she beats the eggs trying to concentrate on this. The cooking. She adds the eggs, then spinach and tomato, covering the pan and turning it down.

She leans back against the corner, she should work, or be working on her latest article. Delphine knows well she has to publish, keep publishing, it’s the only way to survive until she lands tenure. She doesn’t approach her desk, or the mess of papers around her typewriter.

Forever? She imagines asking Cosima. Could Cosima do that? Would she even want to? Or does she prefer the relative freedom of...

It’s hard to forget the way Cosima’s mouth moved against her not even a month ago, the way her breath caught when they made love. Her taste, her smell, Delphine closes her eyes at the thought, blinking back tears.

She brings herself back, forcing herself to organize her desk, sorting her papers into folders. 

Delphine eats quickly and alone at her tiny table, cleaning up as quickly as she can. She glances towards the television, turning it on, desperate for some background noise.

What if she had invited Cosima up here? Would Cosima want to come? Read journal articles to her as she cooks? Would she want to touch? Make love? Would she even want to let Cosima like this?

This cannot possibly last long term, Delphine furrows her brow considering, Cosima is not in love with David, somehow she cannot make herself believe that that marriage is real. Cosima had told her herself, she’d laughed when David proposed. That it wasn’t a conventional marriage, that it was more... of a cover? But what man would tolerate a straying wife? And why? Unless he didn’t care what Cosima did, but Cosima would make a lousy trophy wife. Delphine laughs at the thought, Cosima would never be able to play the part or keep her mouth shut enough.

Her cheeky, charming Cosima. Delphine bites her lip again against a swell of longing. 

“Cosima.” She breathes into the still emptiness of her small apartment, her own fingers stroking gently down the front of her own body, undoing the button of her jeans. She can allow herself this fantasy, her own hand making its way down her body, eyes fluttering shut at the touch of a phantom lover.


	25. Chapter 25

_November 1985, Berkeley, California, USA._

“I thought San Francisco would be warm.” Delphine complains, pulling her sweater around herself, “Instead I always need a sweater. Summer. Fall... Isn’t California supposed to be warm?”

“It is in places. We could take a drive. A mini-road trip one weekend.” Cosima suggests without thinking. It’s been over a month of these coffee meetings and sharing articles and being around Delphine. She can think of a dozen different places she wants to take Delphine, just go away and get away with her for a few days.

Cosima cannot claim that she’s stopped reacting to Delphine physically, or even stopped craving her, but she’s grown used to seeing Delphine, to feeling the same old pull.

Delphine answers with a slow exhale of breath, “We better not.”

“You still don’t want to be alone with me?” Cosima indicates their position, out on a lawn at Berkeley. She’s fairly certain most people would mistake her for an undergraduate student, if not a visiting high schooler.

“It’s not that.” Delphine reassures, “It’s just... it’s better if we stay in public.”

“Right.” She laughs unable to help herself, laying back on Delphine’s lap, “So if we stay in public I can do this?”

Delphine laughs at first, letting her sink back, resting her head across Delphine’s thighs. She inhales deeply, savouring the smell of Delphine, beneath the smell of perfume and cigarettes.

“Are you okay?” She asks feeling Delphine tense.

“Oui.” Delphine responds, stroking a piece of hair back from her face, “I’m fine.”

“You’re smoking again.”

Delphine manages to answer evenly, “Is that an accusation or a statement?”

“Just a statement. I thought you were quitting.”

“I am. I am.” Delphine reassures, “I won’t buy another pack.”

“Good. Cause I still want you alive when we’re old ladies. And not like dying from lung cancer or shit.”

They both sober slightly, “Cosima,” Delphine chides her with a sigh. She wonders briefly if they were both imagining the same thing.

“Not that, well I hope we still know each other when we’re old ladies. Or, at least read each other’s articles...”

“You’re babbling.” Delphine reaches down to stroke her hair again and she feels herself shudder in response.

“So, do you want to grab a quick dinner?” Cosima asks gently, looking up at Delphine.

“I can’t. I have plans,” Delphine smiles apologetically, “I’ll see you next Friday, for coffee?”

Cosima grins in response, “You’re on.”

“Okay, you have to get up. I need to go.” Delphine giggles slightly, urging Cosima off her lap.

“So, where are you off to tonight Dr. Cormier?” Cosima asks after standing up, and reaching down a hand to help pull Delphine to her feet.

“I have a date.” Delphine answers simply, causing Cosima’s heart to plummet into her stomach.

“What?” She repeats faintly.

“A date, Cosima.” Delphine shakes her head at her sadly.

“But...” Cosima lets her protests die on her lips, “Have fun.” She offers instead. How had she let herself forget. What is she really planning here? Some slow subtle seduction? It’s not like she hasn’t had ...

“Bye.” Delphine offers with a quick smile as she jogs back to her office.

Cosima groans in frustration, she’d spent an afternoon nearly every week with Delphine and somehow had managed to forget this. She heads back to the grad student office, does she even want to know who Delphine is with? She doubts Delphine wants to meet David, and has deliberately kept the two of them from meeting. She’d even made efforts to hide her last short affair from her.

“Hey Cosima,” Scott pulls her from her reflections on the stairs, “See you later Mike!” He calls to the man heading up the stairs before him.

“Hi Scotty. How’s the dissertation?”

“It’s fine, haven’t really done that much on it yet. Coursework. What happened to you?”   
“Delphine has a date.” Cosima grumbles, continuing to clomp up the stairs like a whiny adolescent.

“Yeah. I know.” Scott comments brightly, “I introduced them.”

“You introduced her to Mike?!” Cosima hisses at Scott, roughly slapping his shoulder.

“Umm yeah. Oww stop it. You’re going to make me fall down the stairs.”

Cosima can barely contain her rage, “Why?”

“Because he asked me to?” Scott winces in anticipation of another slap.

“How could you do this to me? We’re supposed to be friends Scott.”

“Do what to you? This is about Delphine, not about you.” 

“I don’t want them together. They won’t work.” Cosima shakes her head.

“You still love her, don’t you?” Scott realizes finally, the truth dawning on him.

“Doesn’t matter if I do... fuck... why Mike?”

“He asked!” Scott winces expecting Cosima to slap him again.

“He’s... ugh... he’s charming and educated and actually kind of attractive.” Cosima laments burying her face in her hands.

“Uh. Yeah.” Scott pats her shoulder awkwardly, “Well, that’s... do you want to play risk? Daisy’s on nights again, you could come hang out at my place?”

“No. I have to get home.” Cosima sighs.

“You know, since you’re married maybe you should try to get over this Delphine thing. I mean this lesbian drama, it’s... I don’t think I can take much more of it.”   
“What about your drama?” Cosima shoots back, holding the door for Scott to enter the corridor.

“I don’t have drama. Just a girlfriend who is a nurse and works shifts.” Scott comments brightly, “And I don’t like it when you take things out on me. It’s not fair. And Daisy thinks you need to be nicer to me.”

She stops, almost stunned by Scott’s brief moment of assertiveness, “Good for you Scott.”

“Now what is really bugging you? Just go talk about it with someone.” Scott pats her shoulder.

“I don’t want him to have Delphine,” Cosima whines voice breaking, “I am such an idiot.”

She quiets when she sees Delphine locking her office door, smiling at the man standing behind her.

Mike’s hand is wrapped around Delphine’s hip and she wants to scream. Or throw something. Or grab Delphine and lay claim to her in the middle of the hallway. Ridiculous fantasies, she tells herself, repressing them is best.

“Isn’t that a bit much for a first date?” She whispers to Scott. 

“It’s actually their second.” Scott admits warily, ducking again as Cosima swats at him.

“This is your fault.” 

“No.” Scott shakes his head, “I just introduced them. This is their choice.”

  “Fuck.” Cosima curses softly, letting Scott lead her back to the office, out of the way.

**

“So, tell me about yourself.” Mike probes after they’ve ordered dinner, “I feel like we barely scratched the surface last time.”

“I told you about my fieldwork overseas. My research interests.” Delphine smiles, “My life in Paris.”

“It’s all very fascinating. But...I’m sure you have more to say.”

“I am not really...” Delphine lets herself trail off, “I’m not interested in anything serious right now.”

“Well, I’m leaving for fieldwork in South America in the new year, so no worries about future stuff. Let’s just enjoy ourselves. Pressure is off. I’d love to hear more about your research.”

“What about yours? Cultural anthropology in South America. Must be fascinating.”

“Living there for months on end? Trying the hallucinogens? Learning the language? It’s amazing alright. I’m still working through my notes from last time. I just can’t stay away though, it’s too interesting to me. I think I’m going to take time to really travel this time, see all the ruins, make my way through mesoamerica, give my Spanish a good workout.”

“Sounds like you have a plan,” Delphine smiles taking another sip of her wine.

“Languages are living things too you know,” Mike grins, “I think I’ve spent so much time away I’ve forgotten how to do this. I called off an engagement a few years ago and haven’t really done much of this since.”

Delphine nods, as the server places her salad in front of her, “Yes. You told me.”

“I get so tied up in my work, I forget about everything else. But you understand, you’re another academic.” 

“Yes.” Delphine smiles brightly, and it’s true, she does understand. Mike is pleasant and courteous and everything she could have hoped for for these dates. It’s been a fun enough distraction, there’s no spark - no surprise there with her, but it’s enough for now, she reasons to herself.

“I mean, I can tell you’re somewhere else... probably cannot wait to get back in the field.”

“I’m considering it,” Delphine bites her lip, “I’ve been offered the chance to go dig in Peru this summer.”

“Oh you should take it,” Mike encourages her, “Another addition to your well-padded resumé.”

‘I think I will.” Delphine nods, “I haven’t told anyone else about Peru yet.”

“What’s in Peru for you, aren’t you the bone lady?”

“World’s oldest mummies are found in Peru,” Delphine informs him with a genuine smile, her eyes finally meeting his, as she engages him on her research.

**

She gazes out the window of his sedan, listening to Mike speak, watching for her apartment building. Almost home, she promises herself, almost done.

“I had a really great time Delphine,” Mike tells her, unbuckling his seatbelt.

“Thank you, dinner was lovely.” Delphine smiles back, she reaches for the door.

“It doesn’t have to be over yet,” Mike’s hand has found it’s way into her hair as he pulls her in for a kiss. She returns the kiss as more of a courtesy than a matter of passion.

It’s gentle, for a moment or two, before his tongue insistently finds its way into her mouth, stroking deeply. Delphine looks out the window behind him, she could take him up to her apartment, maybe she should want to. Maybe, even if the sex was lackluster, or rough, it would be a good distraction from her mind. Mike is certainly handsome enough, intelligent enough and he’s made no demands on her.

She breaks the kiss with a sheepish smile, looking into his dazed eyes. Why were men always so easy? So eager? Could he not feel her reluctance? Not sense that she wasn’t really in it? Or did he simply not care? Just wanting a night of sex or an orgasm from her?

“Non.” Delphine smiles leaning in to give Mike a final kiss on the cheek, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” He says back, seemingly confused, “Is something wrong?”

“Non,” Delphine assures him, loading on the charm, “Non, it’s fine. Goodnight.”

She slips from the car, and offers a final wave before making her way back up to her apartment.

**

“Good God Cosima, you are so miserable tonight.” David lashes out in frustration, “Since you got home it’s been one thing after another.”

“So get some space.” Cosima advises.

“I’m going to be away for the next three weeks for work, is that going to be enough space for you?’

“Sorry.” Cosima apologizes glumly, “I just had a shit day and I’m not feeling well.”

“Hell, I can’t believe I’m saying this, call Felix tomorrow. Or go out with that… what’s her name?”

“I’m not seeing her anymore.” Cosima informs him quickly, she hadn’t even been that into it. What was the point if she wasn’t enjoying herself?

 

“Did she call it off?” David wonders aloud.

Cosima shakes her head, “No I did. It’s … it’s okay sex and everything but I don’t want to. I’m not really feeling up to it.”

“Have you thought about-” 

“No. I am not taking a male lover, getting a hotel room and letting you watch and wank on the floor.”

“What’s your problem? You used to be into it.”

“I was fascinated by it. I’d never heard of anyone with your kind of fetish, your desires, and it’s interesting and I know it fixates on me and my pleasure and your own humiliation but… I am just not in the mood, okay?”

“What if it’s a woman?”

“You don’t get off on that as much, what you want is to watch a large man with a big dick fuck me, and eat me out when it’s done and I just don’t want to, okay?” Cosima flops back on her pillow so she can meet David’s eyes.

“It’s your pleasure I want,” David tries again, “What about that archeology friend of yours, Delphine? You seem to spend a lot of time at Berkeley.”

Cosima sits up in shock, “How do you even know that name? Are you spying on me now?”

“Cosima,” David grabs her gently by the shoulders, “What’s wrong? You’re… you’re not yourself.”

“How do you know about Delphine?” Cosima repeats insistent on an answer.

“My mother mentioned you went to get coffee with her, I figured either it was a new lover or that you just needed some space from my parents, which I get.”

Cosima sighs loudly, “Delphine and I get coffee and talk archeology. That’s it.” No need to get into the history, into everything that came before, she has to live here, in the present.

“Do you want to fool around?” David asks, “Ease some of your tension?”

“Ugh. No. Go shower.” Cosima swats David back slightly.

“I’m not that sweaty. I just moved some furniture, because you wanted me to.”

“You smell gross. Go shower.” Cosima demands, burying her face into her pillow. The bed smells faintly of his sweat, it’s unavoidable, but it bothers her more and more as time goes on.

“Are you not feeling well? You’re kind of warm.” David comments laying his hand to her forehead.

“Low grade fever. I’m fine.” Cosima swats his hands off, “Don’t mother me.”

 

“Wasn’t going to.”

Cosima mumbles grumpily, ‘’I don’t feel well, it’s probably just a flu, I’ll be fine. If you don’t want to catch it, go sleep in the guest room.”

“Okay, I’ll go shower.” David hops out of bed, making no move to cover himself, and steps out the door.

She falls asleep while the water is still running and sleeps until morning.

**

Delphine stares out the window of her office, it’s nice on the weekends. Empty. Quiet. She hasn’t even bothered to shut or lock the door. She can mark papers and lab reports in peace. Try not to think about Mike, or David or Cosima… just bury herself in her work.

“Can you take me home?” Cosima appears, pale and shaking at her door.

“Are you alright?” Delphine’s arms are around her in an instant, she presses the back of her hand to Cosima’s forehead.

“Fine. I’m fine...”

“What is it? What are you doing here?”

“Just a bad period.” Cosima brushes her off, “Terrible cramps. Haven’t started bleeding yet though. I feel gross. Coming to campus was a mistake. Please just take me home.”

Delphine looks Cosima over, this doesn’t look like cramps, or anything benign,“We’re going to the hospital.”

“No, no... just take me home.” Cosima’s shaking her head, “I have the car.”

“You’re cramping but not bleeding, feverish and... we’re going to the hospital.” Delphine tells her firmly, “I’ll drive.”

She’s unable to hide her deep concern as Cosima half-heartedly scoffs at her.   What if something is seriously wrong? Has Cosima been careful with her lovers? Or has she been putting herself at risk.

Cosima whines, “Don’t mother me.”

“Then don’t act like a child.” Delphine retorts, looking down at the small brunette in her arms, “Hospital.”

“Can’t I just go to the clinic here?”

“No. It’s Saturday, the clinic is closed.” Delphine shakes her head as she leads Cosima from the building, “Where did you park?”


	26. Chapter 26

Despite Cosima’s best efforts, she had been unable to dissuade Delphine from the ER. Delphine looks over at Cosima, it had taken hours of waiting after going through triage. Finally they were waiting for a nurse or doctor, escorted to a cubicle in the most out of the way corner of the ER. 

“We’re just waiting on the doctor now. Or a nurse... I’ll be fine.” 

“Ah, but without me, who will drive you home?” Delphine joked, trying to lighten the mood. Assuage her own worries.

“You don’t have to stay Delphine, I’m not a child.”

“Hello I’m Daisy, I’m a registered nurse.” Daisy enters the cubicle eyes widening slightly.

Cosima hesitates uncomfortably, “Umm... Can I see another nurse?”

“It’s me or Sheryl. She’s 48 and a born-again Christian. Take your pick.” Daisy shrugs, “Your medical history is entirely confidential and will only be shared with members of the medical team. Do you want your friend to stay with you?”

Delphine looks hopefully at Cosima who nods, somewhat reluctantly.

Daisy continues, the consummate professional, “So, it’s a gynecological issue? It says here you’re having pain, fever, chills. How long have these symptoms been going on?”

“A couple days.” Cosima looks more and more uncomfortable by the minute.

“Are you having vaginal pain? Have you been taking anything for the fever?”

“Yes. I took some advil this morning.”

Delphine looks from the nurse back to Cosima, Scott’s Daisy, she nods accepting this fact, “Can you give her something for the pain?”

“Delphine just let me do this, I’m fine.” Cosima reiterates, but Delphine is too reluctant to leave her. What if it’s serious? Besides, the nurses had allowed her to accompany Cosima, they saw nothing wrong with a friend supporting someone at the E.R. Though now she wonders, do they see it? The closeness between them?

“Any chance you could be pregnant?” Daisy looks down her list of questions.

“I doubt it. I’ll test if you want me to.” Cosima answers easily.

“You are going to test,” The nurse informs her curtly before moving on to her next question, “Have you ever been pregnant?”

“Non,” Delphine interrupts impatiently, feeling that these questions are a great waste of time, “Can you just examine her? There’s something wrong.”

Cosima shakes her head, reaching to gently squeeze Delphine’s hand as she answers, “One pregnancy. No live births.”

“Miscarriage?” Daisy seems calm, almost detached as she looks down making notes.

“Abortion.” Cosima answers quietly.

Unsure of what to say, Delphine simply squeezes Cosima’s hand hard through the shock.

“How long ago?” The nurse asks.

“Six years.” Cosima answers without hesitation, not making eye contact.

“Are you on birth control?”

“No.” Cosima answers shortly, and Delphine swears she feels her heart stop. When she looks back into Cosima’s eyes, they’re frightened, “Delphine, can you just like, wait outside?”

Delphine nods, eyes watering, as she steps out behind the curtain. Cosima had been pregnant. Cosima... has something wrong. Cosima sick. Her mind spins.

She can still hear the nurse’s questions.

“How many sex partners have you had in the last six months?”

“Have you ever been tested for VD before?”

“Does it hurt to pee?”

“Does sex hurt?”

“Has your husband shown symptoms?”

Delphine bites her lip, she’s not concerned for her own health at all, despite falling into the six months window. She’s fixated only on Cosima’s. She doesn’t even have a doctor here, where would she have to go to be tested? The campus clinic like some flustered undergraduate?

Could Cosima have contracted it from her? Delphine wonders silently, but she’d always used condoms.

“The doctor is going to come and do a pelvic exam, I’m going to take your vitals now. Your friend can come back in.” Daisy pokes her head out of the cubicle, motioning for Delphine to come back in.

Cosima sits silently on the stretcher, one arm through a blood pressure cuff as Daisy nonchalantly inflates it, placing her stethoscope right underneath it.

“You okay Delphine?” Cosima asks without meeting her eyes.

Delphine pastes a smile on her face,“Yes. Are you?”

 

**

“Do you need to take your antibiotics right away?” Delphine asks as she helps Cosima back into the car.

“It will be fine, mom.” Cosima teases, trying desperately to lighten the mood. Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. She tried to forget the way the doctor had eyed her hand when she’d admitted to having multiple sexual partners. Chlamydia? Gonorrhea? It takes days to culture the cells, until the results come back, they’ll be treating her for both.

Delphine glances over again, “Are you sure?”

Cosima has no idea how Delphine can be so calm, shaking her head before she realizes what she’s doing.

“They gave me a two week course of antibiotics. I’ll be fine.” Cosima responds dryly, hiding her face, “I have to call David so he can go to the family doctor and get them too.”

“You don’t need to tell me anything.” Delphine reassures her, “I’ll just take you home.”

“I don’t want to.” Cosima answers swallowing unsure of which statement she’s really responding to, “But... you should probably go get a pelvic exam. The whole shebang.”

“Okay.” Delphine nods, not taking her eyes off the road.

“I’m sorry.” Cosima apologizes, but at least Delphine wasn’t freaking out. At least not outwardly.

“Is it going to be okay for me to take you home?” Delphine makes sure to glance over as she asks the question. Silly question, they’re already on route.

“I don’t want to go home.” Cosima mumbles.

“Why not?” Delphine pauses to look over at her quickly.

Cosima knows the truth, that she doesn’t want to leave Delphine just yet, “David’s not home.”

“Alright,” Delphine quickly checks her mirrors, taking an unexpected turn.

“Where are we going?”

“My apartment.”

“Seriously?” Cosima looks over, the haze of a painkiller still in her system.

Delphine almost shrugs,“Why not?”

**

Cosima blinks blearily, waking up on an unfamiliar couch with a large knit blanket on top of her. It takes a moment or two to reorient herself in the dimly lit room. There’s a consistent sound of clicking she cannot quite place. Typewriter, she smiles, figuring it out as she pushes herself up on the couch. She reaches quickly for her glasses, folded neatly on the coffee table. A quick glance at the clock tells her it’s long past midnight.

 She vaguely remembers stumbling up the stairs of the walk-up, Delphine’s arm firmly around her, crying for no reason as Delphine had led her to the couch and tossed a blanket over top of her. Made her swallow one of her pills and left her to sleep.

“Pauvre petit chou.” Delphine croons at her.

“What?” Cosima turns to get a better look at her… friend? Sort-of-lover?

“Are you feeling better? I could make soup?” Delphine offers gently, eyes never leaving her paper.

“I think we’re closer to breakfast now,” Cosima leans over to look at the closest clock, “Aren’t you going to ask me questions? Or get some sleep?” 

Delphine stops, sitting back on her chair, “Non. I slept a little, but I have to get through these midterm papers.”

“But now you know that-”

“That you’re sick? You’re taking antibiotics and you’ll be fine. The doctor said it was treatable.” Delphine assures her gently.

“How can you not care?!” Cosima exclaims in disbelief, “I’m sick. I could have gotten you sick. And now you know that I… fuck.”

“Are you talking about the abortion? Cosima, it was your decision to make. I wish you hadn’t had to make it, but...” Delphine shrugs, “I’m a feminist. Pro-choice.”

“I had a friend who had had one before me, and she told me all she felt was relief.” Cosima volunteers, “Like animal gnawing off its own leg to escape a trap relief.”

Delphine hesitates to answer, “That makes sense.”

“It wasn’t like that for me. Not like exactly. I mean of course I felt relief, but there was also, ugh it was hard. And I...” Cosima trails off, this is stupid, why is she telling Delphine this? Why is she telling anyone this?  

“And what?” Delphine asks tenderly, moving closer, watching her intently.

“It was my decision, you know? Totally mine. But it was just so sad.” Cosima’s voice breaks, “I didn’t want to give up on my Master’s. And I didn’t have money or supportive parents... I couldn’t have had a baby.” 

“I know.” Delphine pulls Cosima into her arms, kissing her forehead, “I know.” 

Cosima tries not to react, but cannot stop a small sigh from escaping her as Delphine carefully eases off her glasses and returns them to their place on the table, “I mean, I’ve never known a blood relative. Nothing... I know nothing about my biological parents. Sometimes I wonder what if that was my chance, you know?”

Delphine goes quiet, and Cosima can tell without looking that she’s chewing on her lip again, “Do you want a child?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know.” Cosima whines, burying her face in Delphine’s shoulder, “I thought I did, when I married David, I thought that was my next chance, right? But... now I don’t think that’s going to work either.”

“I have a friend,” Delphine starts out cautiously, “In France, and she and her husband could not get pregnant. But... it wasn’t her - it was him, so they used a ... donor. And she did have a baby.”

“And her husband was okay with that?” Cosima backs up, “I mean, ego wise and everything?” She’s unsure of what this has to do with anything, but it’s certainly interesting.

“Why? The child will never know the difference.” Delphine shrugs, “Or if they do, what is the problem? They have a child to raise. She gets to be pregnant.”

“I don’t even know for sure who got me pregnant.” Cosima admits, stroking her hand through Delphine’s curls to calm herself.

“How? How is that possible?” Delphine’s brow furrows with concern again, she has to resist the urge to kiss the lines away.

Cosima groans reluctance before answering, “Ecstasy. Alcohol. Pot. Bad decisions. Group sex. I barely remember it really, I remember it hurt and how gross I felt and smelled the next day.” She might as well tell Delphine now, she knows too much anyways. Maybe even more than Felix. He’d never had the patience to let her dredge it back up, preferring to keep that cool November day and its dreary car rides far from conversation. He’d leant her the money, but never wanted to talk about it. Even to settle her debt.

Delphine’s arms are locked around her now, lips repeatedly pressing kisses to her forehead, “Je t’aime.”  
   
Pity? Cosima wonders? “Now?”

“Yes.” Delphine responds affirmatively with another slow kiss to her temple.

“Mmm?” Cosima hums enjoying the sensation of Delphine’s fingers running through her hair, “You do, don’t you?”

“If you don’t know that already, then you are either very stupid or having memory problems.” Delphine mumbles into her hair.

“I’m sorry for loading this all on you. It’s like really old shit and it doesn’t matter-” 

“Of course it matters. It still hurts you.” Delphine reassures, clutching her tightly in her arms.

Cosima cringes and tries again to express herself, “It was my choice. I don’t want to say that it was a mistake, I don’t regret getting my Master’s... it would have been a completely different life, you know? And... I look at you and you’ve had it easy, I mean what would you have thought of me then? What do you think of me now?”

“Easy!” Delphine exclaims, “My master’s wasn’t easy. My PhD wasn’t easy. Leaving my home for the United States to be surrounded by Americans wasn’t easy.”

“Not what I meant.” Cosima grumbles, “You haven’t had to make the same choices.”

“Non, but I had to make decisions. To marry Luc or not. To move here or not. To look for you.” Delphine sighs.

Cosima sighs, “I wish it were easy. What do you still see in me anyways? Shouldn’t you be grossed out and running for the door?”

“You’re Cosima, and I love you.” Delphine whispers softly.

Cosima shakes her head in disbelief, “Even if I can get you sick?”

“Yes. And that is temporary.”

“Even then? While I was a frantic wreck trying to decide what to do? Now that I’m married and my life is... way too complex? I may have given you chlamydia. You should be, like, pissed. Or something.” Cosima shakes her head.

“Yes. I only wish... I wish you’d stayed in touch.” Delphine whines slightly into her hair, refusing to loosen her embrace, “I don’t think anything could change this, us, I mean.”

“You wouldn’t have wanted me if I did, would you? Cause that’s where I was a month after leaving you. Pregnant and terrified and alone and trying to get through the first months of my Master’s. That was me. I wasn’t much fun.”

“I ... my family has money,” Delphine settles on after a long pause, “I could have helped you.”

“I probably would have made the same choice anyways. I just still have major mixed feelings. Maybe it will always feel that way.”

“True. I could have still helped.” Delphine pauses for a long moment before suggesting cautiously, “You don’t need David to have a baby.”

“Can we not talk about this now?” Cosima pleads.

“You’re right. Not the time. I think you’re due for another dose of antibiotics.”

“In another three hours.” Cosima leans over to check the clock, the sun will be up soon. “You should probably go get some sleep.”

 Delphine shifts so her legs slide under Cosima’s, “I’m alright.”

“You sure?” Cosima looks down at her newfound makeshift pillow, her favourite pillow.

“I think so... I don’t feel sick,” Delphine considers for a moment, “Are you feeling any better?”

“Not yet.” Cosima scoffs, “I think it will take a few days.”

“Not up to watching the sunrise?”

 

Cosima laughs, “Not sure I’ll have a choice.”

“Do you want anything? Advil?”

Cosima pauses, it’s not like she could be any more vulnerable anyways, “Can you hold me?”

Delphine acquiesces silently, drawing her back into her arms, holding her close, “We could move to the bed?” She offers finally.

“Better not… well I mean it’s not like you want to fuck me now, or even that I’m up to it. I’m really not.”

“Why do you call it fucking?” Delphine asks, distractedly playing with her hair.

Cosima stops, taken aback, “Cause that’s what it is?”

“Even with me?” Delphine continues in a small voice.

“Sometimes. Well, most of the time it’s more.” Cosima props her head up to meet Delphine’s eyes, watching Delphine’s lips hone in on her cheek, kissing twice softly.

“C’est toujours plus que ça.” Delphine takes a long breath before leaning in, lips gently, almost shyly finding Cosima’s own.

Their lips meet and it feels natural to lean in, natural to gently kiss here on Delphine’s couch, in her arms. There’s no agenda to this kiss. No fantasy to play out. No lust that needs immediate sating. There’s a sort of longing, Cosima acknowledges, but it’s overrun by exhaustion. This is comfort.

“I love you.” Cosima mumbles happily into her lips.

“I know.” Delphine whispers back, bumping her nose gently against her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I think it needs to be said that this story takes place in 1985 (and the first part in 1979). Cosima and Delphine in this world were both born 1957. So... remember the time.


	27. Chapter 27

Hours later, Delphine finds it oddly natural waking up next to Cosima. Hearing a small moan from her beloved, who rolls over and buries her face into the closest pillow. She can hear Cosima breathing, feel her warmth beside her in bed, the smell of her seeping into her sheets.

She tries not to laugh, she doesn’t want to disturb Cosima. After her early morning dose of antibiotics and a quick breakfast, the small brunette had gone back to bed, or rather, climbed into Delphine’s bed and promptly fallen asleep again.

She reluctantly pulls herself away to shower and dress, leaving Cosima to sleep for now. She’ll have to make arrangements for her own pelvic exam on Monday, until then there’s not much to do for her own health.

Even as she showers, dresses in front of a clearly sleeping Cosima, there’s a nagging sense in the back of her mind that she should drive Cosima home. Isn’t that where the hospital will call with her test results? Wouldn’t it be more comfortable for Cosima to be in her own space?

The truth remains, the longer Cosima stays in her apartment, the harder it will be to want her to leave. Delphine considers this as she eats a quick lunch and returns to her papers. Her current article seems lacking somehow, focusing on dentition and diet of paleolithic peoples.

Occasionally she hears Cosima stumble from her bedroom to her bathroom, or moan slightly only to roll over in her bed.

When Cosima finally emerges, it’s only to stumble blearily from her bedroom and wrap her arms around Delphine’s waist burying her face in her neck. Cosima exhales warm breath against her skin, hands tugging her closer.

“Hi.” Cosima mumbles into her skin.

Delphine stifles another laugh, “Hi.”

“Why are you laughing at me?”

“I’m just happy to see you up,” Delphine answers softly, “Do you want me to make you some tea?”

“Okay,” Cosima sits herself down on the sofa, tugging the same blanket over herself, “I woke up without you. It was very disappointing.” Cosima admits with wry grin.

“I have work to do...” Delphine offers a comforting smile as she puts on her kettle quickly, flicking the electric stove on beneath it.

“I know... can’t they get you a TA? Have you do less marking?”

“Are you volunteering?” Delphine teases with a real smile, “You could help finish the design of my exam?”

“Hell no. My dissertation will never get finished then.” Cosima pokes her tongue out.

“You’re feeling better.” 

“A bit. Still feel really gross though.”

“There’s a towel hanging up for you in the bathroom. Shower and I’ll make us something to eat,” Delphine opens her fridge to glance inside. Something quick. Omelet? She wonders.

“Alright.” Cosima nods, “I’m sorry I stank up your sheets.”

“I don’t mind.” Delphine shrugs, beginning to pull ingredients from her fridge, “You’re not well. You’re running a fever. Sheets can be washed, and you... well you never smell that bad. You can wear whatever you like of mine when you’re done.”

“Not like gross man sweat.” Cosima lets herself shudder slightly at her own words as she pads off towards the bathroom.

 

**

 

When Cosima reemerges, hair damp and pulled back, in one of her own nightgowns and a robe, Delphine cannot help but smile.

“Omelet?” Cosima asks, sitting down at the small kitchen table.

“I thought you might be hungry. You have to eat anyways.”  

“Thanks.” Cosima looks down at her half of the omelet beginning to eat carefully, looking back up at her, “Thanks for this... I know it must be like weird having me here in your space after everything.”

“It’s fine.”

“Is it really?” Cosima gestures with her fork now, unable to help herself from moving her hands as she speaks.

“I went to a bisexuals group,” Delphine volunteers, pouring freshly boiled water into her teapot, careful not to look back at Cosima for a reaction.

“How was that?” Cosima asks, trying to seem nonchalant.

“Much more...political than I’d expected.” Delphine answers honestly, sitting down to join her.

“Not at Berkeley though... you went into San Francisco?”

“Yes. I thought I’d go and see it.”

Cosima snorts briefly, “Still protecting that reputation of yours, Dr. Cormier?”

“Cosima, you are the one who cares about that. I don’t. I never have. I ... I don’t want it to affect my work, of course. I want to keep working. Other than that? I do not care what people think about me.” Is that what Cosima really thinks? Even now? Delphine bites her lip considering.

“Is there another woman?” Cosima shakes her head as she says it, even then knowing it’s not true. 

“Non. Of course there’s not.” Delphine sighs loudly, turning to face Cosima, leaning back against her own chair. This is ridiculous, she decides, after all this time to be having this same conversation.

“No...cause it’s just me you wanted.” Cosima tilts her head as she probes silently, probably hoping for some kind of response.

“Cosima if you don’t trust this... I cannot make you.” Delphine exclaims finally, throwing a hand up in the air briefly before returning to her omelet.

“I do trust you.” Cosima admits, taking another bite of omelet.

“Leave him. Be with me.” Delphine demands softly, pulling Cosima’s free hand into her own.

Cosima blinks at her, still hazy from fever or sleep, “What?”

Delphine sighs, it’s the wrong time, it’s not the time to ask this. But she repeats it anyways. “Leave David. Be with me. Be with only me.”

“You’re asking me this now?” Cosima gapes at her, fingers quickly squirming away from her grasp.

“Yes.” Delphine stares her down, maybe, maybe this would have some effect. Maybe this would push them out of this… cycle? Whatever they seem to be stuck in.

“Then what?” Cosima throws back, suddenly angry, “What happens in two or three years when you decide you’re bored of me?”

“I won’t.” Delphine shakes her head defensively, “That isn’t possible.” Irritated with Cosima, surely that might happen. But bored? Somehow she doesn’t think that’s possible.

“What about my PhD?”

“What about it?” Delphine blinks back confused at the sudden shift in topic.

Cosima shakes her head incredulously, “Who do you think pays for it all? For the digs I am going to go on? For the editor? For everything I am doing to finish my dissertation?”

“David.” Delphine responds, truth sinking in quickly. He pays for it. For everything.

“Yeah. David. He is also paying for the antibiotics I’m taking. I was... I was never financially stable before him you know? I had jobs and loans... but nothing this steady or... I’ve never even lived anywhere longer than a year. I don’t have to worry about money for the first time in my life since my parents cut me off. Do you know how amazing that is?”

“Non.” She shakes her head in response.

“No, because you never had to pay for your own schooling did you? Or your digs...”

 “Stop it.” Delphine demands, cheeks reddening, this isn’t fair. Her family has nothing to do with this.

“Because Papa is paying, am I right?” Cosima cocks her head and looks around, “What happens when Maman and Papa discover that your ‘roommate’ is your lover?”

“Not now. Not for this. This is mine.” Delphine motions around the room, “Mine from my post-grad. Mine from this contract job.” She purposefully leaves out that they’ll be flying her home for three weeks at Christmas - what else is she supposed to do for the holiday anyway? Stay here alone? Go to Cosima’s and make small talk with her husband? Better to spend it in France, with her family.

“So say I leave David, try to finish on my own money. Then what? What if you don’t get bored of me? And your parents discover when we’re together after who knows how long - that we’re in love. That there will never be a husband or grandkids or whatever the hell they are expecting from you.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Delphine tells her quietly, before reconsidering, “Who says I have to lose anyone? My parents think that I am cold, Cosima. Frigid. They’ll be relieved to know I have a heart.”

“Do you honestly think that they’ll accept us?”

“I am sorry your parents ... I am sorry that they have been so cruel to you.” Delphine finishes, reaching for one of Cosima’s hands again.

“Are you sure this will just blow over? Do you really think your parents would accept me?”

“I don’t know.” Delphine shrugs, her late lunch forgotten, “But I am not going to make my decisions based on fear. I am not afraid, Cosima.”

“You still don’t see it, do you?”

“See what?” Delphine responds tiredly. Why do they have to deal with everything all at once? Isn’t letting things play out over time less stressful?

“How complicated your life is going to get.” Cosima emphasizes this tapping one overactive hand on the table.

“More complicated than being married and financially dependent on someone you do not love? That you do not want?”, Delphine counters.

“That’s not fair. You don’t understand.”

“Then tell me.” Delphine pushes forward just a little more.

“Your parents disown you when they figure out that you’re gay part way through your first degree. You struggle through, manage to piss off authority figures, smooth things over again and get a degree. You take photos and sell them - to make money. Nature shots mostly. I’ll show you sometime. You struggle through a Master’s degree, start a PhD, stop and get a job at a museum for a while for money. Live with various girlfriends for various durations of time. Get fired for being too radically lesbian. An intelligent and interesting friend offers to marry you - it comes with benefits - no more getting fired, funds to finish your PhD, time and money to take photos of friends with AIDS, to document their lives in the Castro before they are all gone. I got to do it for a year, do you know how many pictures I took? How many stories I heard?”

“You have friends with AIDS?” Delphine repeats, she’s not sure whether to be concerned or devastated. She reads enough to hear of it, gay men dying, hemophiliacs dying. Panic and hysteria in the news. If Cosima has been taking risks enough to become sick with a bacterial infection, couldn’t it be so much worse?

Cosima responds impatiently, waving her off, “Yes. Don’t look at me like that, you’re smart enough to know you have to have sex to contract it. Or use intravenous drugs. I don’t have it.”

Delphine swallows before stating quietly, “You married him for his money.”

“I married him because he’s my friend. I love him. I like feeling safe, and I like being able to work if I want to and casually mention my husband and not have people drop shit and break things. Or try to hurt me or tell me I’m sick. There’s only so many times you can remind them it’s no longer classified as a psychological disorder.” Cosima explains, voice slowly growing calmer as she explains. As if, despite her own apparently childishness, she has decided that it is Delphine that needs to be educated gently on this matter.

 

“Cosima...”  Delphine hesitates, voice soft once again.

“What?” Cosima shoots back.

“I’m sorry.” Delphine offers sweetly, unable to think of anything else to say. And she is. Sorry that Cosima is married at all. Sorry that Cosima felt that this had been a good decision for her. Sorry that she could not do much to change it. Nothing but wait.

“So am I,” Cosima smiles sadly, “If there had been another way - I don’t know. As for my parents? I tried inviting them to the wedding. No response.”

“But they’re your family!” Delphine blinks her confusion.

“They’re not,” Cosima shakes her head, “They’ve cut me off, not my family. Not even biologically my relatives. Not that that would make any difference.”

I’d be your family, Delphine thinks finally remembering to take another bite of omelet. It’s cool now, but she still needs to eat, they both do. She tries again, “What about your lovers? The women?”

“Relationships that didn’t work out. Plenty of them don’t. Different reasons.” Cosima shrugs.

“Did their families accept you?”

“Some didn’t know. Those that knew? I don’t know, it’s not an easy thing for them. They just don’t understand. Not most of them anyways.” Cosima admits with a thoughtful expression.

Delphine ponders this for a moment or two, but with Cosima, there is another family. “Maybe so, what do you know about before you were adopted? Do you know who-”

Cosima regards her in total frustration, “Delphine, I was like three weeks old when I was adopted. I don’t even know where I was born. I think it was in California, that’s as much as I know.”

As gently as she can, Delphine pushes again,“It’s just, you seem like the kind of child that would ask.”She tries to find a way to probe more gently into this, to see how much Cosima knows, how she feels about it now.

“I did. Constantly. Never got anything.” Cosima admits readily, “Anyways, whoever she was she didn’t want me either...”

“We don’t know that.” Delphine offers, “It was 1957, maybe...” She cannot imagine someone not wanting Cosima. Or even a mother not wanting her child, despite knowing that those things did and do happen. There’s no proof either way, Delphine considers, but maybe Cosima needs to talk about her family. All of her family. Cosima had never even told her her parents names, she realizes as she scans her memories trying to figure out how much she knows about Cosima’s childhood.

“Just drop it. It has nothing to do with my life now.” 

Delphine bites her lip, and holds back her initial reaction, that it does. It must. Or Cosima would not be reacting so vehemently. None of their assumptions can be proven either way, so what can she really say about it?

“What?” Cosima responds defensively to her expression.

“Nothing.” Delphine shakes her head, helping herself to another large chunk of omelet.

Cosima lets out a long sigh, “If it had been legal? She’d have probably had an abortion too. That’s the truth, Delphine.”

“It was another time,” Delphine shrugs, unable to think of anything else to say that wouldn’t provoke Cosima.

“And it has nothing to do with now.” Cosima reiterates, “If you just want to grill me on my adoption then maybe I should go home.”

“If that’s what you want.” Delphine agrees, “I am not grilling you-”

“Then what? You just need to know where I come from? Because I have no clue. And I never will.”

“No, I don’t need to know.” Delphine reaches her hand cautiously across the table, silently encouraging Cosima to take it. Eventually Cosima’s strong hand finds its way into her own, fingers gripping her own.

“Sorry, I just get... kind of worked up about it sometimes.” Cosima shakes her head for a moment or two, “Thanks for lunch. I think I better go home.”

“Why?” Delphine doesn’t want to beg her to stay, but she’d be lying if she tried to convince herself she hadn’t thought about it, “I’m not angry, you don’t have to leave.”

“I have to call David.” Cosima grimaces, “He needs to go get swabbed, and he’s not going to be happy with me.”

**

She hadn’t wanted to go home at all, Delphine had awkwardly parked the car in the driveway and stood leaning against it. But she had to find the hotel number and try to get in touch with David, even if he wasn’t showing symptoms, he had it too and would have to take the same antibiotics.

“You can come in, if you want to.” Cosima offered, “The house is not going to fall down on your head. The Lord is not going to smite you the second you cross the threshold.”

“Struck down as an... adultère?” Delphine says after a moment of searching for the word, “Adulterer?”

“Adulteress, I think,” Cosima manages with a laugh, “But no, that’s me. And the roof hasn’t fallen in on me yet.”

“I have to go,” Delphine glances around, eyes watering.

“Wait, Delphine… it’s okay… Like we’d be the only two home. We don’t even have pets.”

“I have a lot of marking to do.” Delphine excuses herself, walking down the street heading for the next streetcar.

“Fuck.” Cosima leans her head up against the door. Which suddenly swings open.

“Doesn’t look like it darling,” Felix laughs, as she bumps her head roughly, “Least not anymore. Where have you been?”

“It’s not what you think.” Cosima rubs her head, “I forgot you had a key.”

“You get dropped off, by Delphine, driving David’s very nice car…”

“No, .. umm actually we can’t cause I have…” Cosima instead digs in her purse, pulling out the small prescription bottle watching Felix’s eyes narrow as he reads it.

“The clap? Not impressive darling. No once you have AIDS you forget to feel sorry for those poor buggers with VD, especially those treatable with antibiotics.”

“I’m not going to get any pity, am I?” Cosima flops onto her own sofa. Letting Felix lock the door behind him.

“Nope. Sarah’s taken over my place for the weekend with Kira… so I’m here. Tomorrow I was going to ask you if you wanted to take Kira around the city, but I don’t think you’ll be up to it.”

“Just tell them I’m sick. Sarah does not need the details. Neither does Kira.“

“Yeah. Was going to. She’s five now… I can’t believe it..”

 

“I know.” Cosima swallows, “I am not going to forget how old your niece is.” She leaves out what they both already know, if she’d had carried to term, her child would be almost the same age.

“I forget. All the time.” Felix laughs, “Shame, you’ll miss me as Uncle Felix.”  
“I have to call David.”

‘Why… oh… oooh can I do it?”

“Are you serious?” Cosima sits up suddenly.

“Yeah. I’m not going anywhere now. This will be my entertainment for the day.”

“My suffering?”

“You’re not suffering. You’re on antibiotics. You will be fine. Colin will not be fine. Neither will Teddy, Luke, Gary… Or...oh yeah, me. ”

“Yeah. I know, I know… no pity for the girl with chlamydia. Or gonorrhea.”

“Don’t know which?” Felix helps her off of the couch and pulls her towards the phone, turning to face her, “Come on.”

“Waiting for a call.” Cosima shrugs, “Bacteria need to culture. .”

“Ooh does Delphine have it too? How much have you spread this thing around?”

“Stop.” Cosima turns serious, “You leave Delphine out of this.”

“Why should I? You obviously didn’t.”

“I don’t want her to have it. I really don’t want her to have it, okay?”

“So what?”

“She doesn’t deserve this shit, okay? She took me to the ER. She took care of me. That’s it.” She throws her hands up in the air, waving them frantically as if she could push blame from Delphine.

“Right. And I just sat in your house for the last three hours and didn’t drink the wine or eat food out of your fridge. Or smoke pot in your bedroom.”

“Felix… no. Fuck… he was really pissed last time.”

“And I’m betting he’s not going to want to get his urethra swabbed and take antibiotics.”

Cosima snorts, “Either way, does he really have a choice?”

“Not like you sleep with him much anyways,” Felix offers considering, “We could just let him stay infected.”

“Felix, no. Just no…” She shakes her head as she marches over to the phone. As she rummages in the stack of disorganized papers for the hotel information she tries to find a way to phrase it, something less… threatening. But there is none.


	28. Chapter 28

“Can’t it wait?” David pleads when she finally gets a hold of him, “Well... maybe only you have it, I mean we don’t have sex that often.”

“It’s bacterial. You fuck me without a condom. You’re doomed. Go get swabbed.” Cosima reiterates in the crudest way possible. Might as well get it over with, even with Felix delightedly giggling from a chair less than two feet away from where she stands.

 “Can it just wait until I get home? I’m kind of busy. And I don’t have symptoms.”

“Men don’t always show symptoms. Neither do women. Go get swabbed.” Cosima repeats again, “Try to enjoy the rest of the work trip. Things are fine here.”

“You’re not feeling too ill?” Concern colours his voice now, and it’s comforting at least.

“Well, it’s not great - but I should be feeling better within a few days.”

“Okay...” David trails off, “So I was thinking of buying a personal computer.”

“A computer? Why?”

“An IBM or a Macintosh. But it’d be for word processing - much easier than a typewriter.”

“Seriously? But then how would I print it all?” Cosima balks before reconsidering, “We can talk about it when you get home.”

“Fine.” David replies, “So, I have drinks and dinner with a client, so I do have to run. If you start to feel worse - call someone to come stay with you. Even if it’s Felix... Just keep me posted.”

“I will.” Cosima nods, continuing to gesture pointlessly with her free hand while keeping the phone clasped to her ear with the other.

She finally hangs up to view the face of a triumphant Felix, only to announce without another word, “I’m going to bed.”

“Set an alarm to take the antibiotics. Trust me, you don’t want to mess around with this stuff.” Felix advises, “I’m going to let myself out anyway. Or watch TV.”

 “Fine.” Cosima grumbles as she stomps up the stairs, to collapse into her own bed.

** 

_She’s clinging on to smooth pale shoulders, watching as Delphine leans over her, curls tinged gold again in the sun. She finds herself straining upwards to kiss the freckled shoulder._

_“Mon amour…” Delphine croons at her, kissing her nose._

_“Still want me?” Cosima teases, allowing her fingers to toy with a curl. It springs back as soon as she releases it to play with another. It’s playful, but there’s a truth to it._

_Delphine simply smiles, “Yes.”_

_“Stupid move.” Cosima doesn’t even recognize where they are._

_“Brat.” Delphine responds with another kiss, nuzzling against her and poking at her nose with her own._

_They move together easily, mouth teasing at her own before trailing downwards, her own hands keeping Delphine trapped tightly against her body. She permits Delphine to take the lead, to tease her, to taunt her with tentative fingers, with a mouth that does not quite reach. To work her up until she is a quivering needy mess that shudders at the slightest touch, at words that pour out she does not quite understand._

_She pants on the bed, completely vulnerable to the whims of the française. Gathered once again in steady arms, the heat of her mouth at her cheek. It feels safe, so safe… she just wants to melt into it._

_“I don’t want anyone else to have you,” Cosima finds herself saying, clinging on to Delphine, “I know it’s not fair.”_

_Delphine scowls at her, even in this dream, “I am not the married one.”_

_“This is perfect. You’re perfect.” Cosima mutters, “We’ll make it work, we have to…”_

Cosima wakes sweaty and alone, moving her limbs cautiously, instantly convinced that she still has a fever. She groans as she hauls herself out of bed, only to strip off the clothes she’s slept in. A sweater of Delphine’s and her own pants.

“Uuuuuugh.” She moans to no one in particular. She’s alone, too alone - but maybe, not for long.

**

She’s in the middle of getting dressed when the phone rings again, Delphine shakes her head, so soon after the last call?

“Allô?” She answers without thinking to translate anything, too fixated on where she stashed her tights, or whether her mascara is still any good after six months.

“Delphine, it’s me.” A familiar voice speaks into the line.

“Cosima.” Delphine acknowledges, glancing back at the dress she’s taken out of her closet, the shoes she scrambled to find in time.

“Can you come over? Just to like keep me company? I’ll order us in takeout or something. I just... I don’t like being alone, okay?”

Delphine bites her lip, if this call had come twenty minutes ago would she still be doubting this? “I can’t.” Part of her wants to drop everything, forget her newly made plans, go get take-out and go immediately to Cosima’s house. But she can’t, not if Cosima will not be with her.

“Why? It’s Sunday night, Delphine.” 

“I know that. Mike is taking me to dinner again.” Delphine explains as quickly as possible, as if saying it faster would make it easier for Cosima to take.

Cosima groans into the phone, “Fuck.”

“You don’t get to complain about this.” Delphine tells her, a little more harshly than intended, “I have every right to date who I want, and let a handsome man take me to dinner if I want to.” She needs a distraction, some kind of distraction, and dinner will do nicely. 

“And fuck him if you want to.” Cosima sneers back at her, obviously upset.

“So what if I am?” Delphine argues gently, “That would be my decision, Cosima.” Too angry to protest that she hasn’t, she simply argues as if she had.

“Seriously?” Cosima’s voice sounds weak now, “Why are you doing this?”

“I’ll come by tomorrow, for lunch.” Delphine offers finally as some sort of compromise. She’d offer to swing by immediately after dinner, but maybe appearing too available to Cosima is part of the problem. She wrestles with herself for another few moments.

“Fine. Thanks.” Cosima hangs up without fanfare.

She finds herself groaning briefly, before scrambling to continue dressing, she doesn’t have much time now.

By the time Mike buzzes the intercom at the front of her building, she’s more than ready to meet him at the front door.

“You know, if you don’t let me see your apartment, I’m going to start thinking you are a very messy woman.” Mike jokes pleasantly.

Delphine responds in kind, “Just with my papers, a little.” She knows she’s not messy at all, just completely fixated on Cosima.

“Yeah, you’re teaching so it must be crunch time for you.” Mike nods knowingly.

“It really is.” Delphine admits with a smile, allowing him to open the car door for her before ducking around the other side to drive them.

“So it’s a nice nouveau cuisine place, you look amazing by the way.”

“Thank you.” Delphine thanks him genuinely, leaning over to place a kiss on his cheek. It’s slightly stubbly and rough, completely unsatisfying. When a large hand presses to her cheek to pull their mouths into full contact, she goes with it, trying to find some enjoyment in it. When he pulls away she smiles, buckling herself in for the ride.

“I thought you didn’t like me. I guess you’re just slower than I’m used to, not that that’s bad.” Mike comments happily as he pulls the car out into the road, “It’s fine.”

**

“So then, my big sister literally went and threw herself out the window.” Mike laughs, obviously amused at his own story.

“Was she hurt?” Delphine’s brow furrows.

“Nah, we had a pool at the time. What about your brothers? I bet you have some stories. You’re the middle child, right?”

“A few.” Delphine smiles nodding, taking another long sip of wine. It’s fine, totally pleasant and yet not nearly enough of a distraction. Nouveau cuisine, it turns out, is highly disappointing, especially in terms of portion.

“Are you feeling alright?” Mike asks her, as he flags down the waiter to take their plates away.

“Non.” Delphine shakes her head, he’s kind anyways. Maybe that’s why she went out with him again.

“Well what’s the problem? I mean I can tell something is off.”

Delphine smiles wryly, “You can?”

“What do you want? Is it the food? Or is it me? Or do you prefer movies or outdoorsy stuff, cause we can try that?”

She hesitates, could she tell him the truth? At the very least it would save her from any more of these lackluster dates. Pleasant isn’t enough, even for a distraction. She cannot imagine enjoying making love with him, or even trying to. All she can think of now is getting a decent dinner for herself and heading home... or to Cosima’s.

“I want Cosima.” Delphine watches his eyes widen across the table as he drops his fork.

 “What?” Mike shakes his head at her, “No.. no..”

“I love Cosima. I love being around her. I love ....” Delphine laughs unable to help herself, “I love making love with her. I want to be with Cosima.” 

Mike sits across from her silently, “So, you’re a lesbian?”

“I’m sorry.” Delphine apologizes for her honesty, for the stunned expression now gracing Mike’s face. She thinks briefly of correcting him, then reconsiders, realizing that that would only add to his confusion. Or encourage him to continue to pursue her.

Finally Mike speaks, “Isn’t Cosima married?”

“Yes.” Delphine sniffs slightly, “Yes, she is.”

“Well, I’m wishing I could change your mind, but... that’s the way some people are wired.” Mike shrugs finally.

“That’s your response?”

“I live in Berkeley, Delphine. I’m an academic. I’ve met homosexuals before. Though, you’d think Scott would have tipped me off.” Mike shrugs, “Least you told me now and not ... well later.”

Delphine nods, trying to retain composure.

 “Do you want a ride home back to Berkeley, or are you going to find your own way?”

“I’ll find my own way.” Delphine nods decisively, digging into her purse to cover the cost of her own meal, she cannot expect Mike to pay for her now.

“Hard to believe it with you.” He says sadly, “Still...”

**

  
She stands awkwardly on Cosima’s doorstep knocking frantically, until finally the door swings open to reveal a fatigued looking Cosima in a bathrobe.

“Have you eaten?”

“Delphine, wow. Umm come in.” Cosima backs up enough allowing her to enter, seeming confused but pleased the same.

She holds up the paper bag, “I brought take-out.” It’s enough of a peace offering, and they both need to eat. She’s doubtful Cosima has enough of an appetite to cook for herself.

“I see that... bad date?” Cosima regards her in disbelief, “I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight.”

“Nouveau cuisine.” Delphine explains with a wry smile, “The date was fine. But... it wasn’t where I wanted to be.” 

“Oh no... last time I had that David had to take me out for a burger afterwards-” Cosima stops herself mortified, “Shit...sorry.. just um... come in.”

“Do you like sushi?” Delphine asks hopefully, she assumed Cosima would, if not she’d have to run out to get something else for her.

“Yes.” Cosima grins, “You brought me sushi?”

“I thought it would be more fun than pizza or...” Delphine glances around, taking note of the modern furnishings, the rich colours. This house was very Cosima. She catches sight of a bathroom and stairs leading upwards before having her attention drawn back at where she’s going.

“It’s great, thank you. I was actually going to order pizza... but I haven’t yet.” Cosima smiles, leading her through to the living room, “We can just eat here.”

She slips off her coat and lets Cosima toss it onto a large brown chair.

“Do you know how to use chopsticks?” Cosima asks looking through the bag and opening up the various containers.

“No... I usually just use my fingers.” Delphine admits sheepishly, grabbing for a roll with two fingers and popping it into her mouth, she smiles as she watches Cosima wrestle with wooden chopsticks, trying to split them in two.

“Well, people do.”

“In Ethiopia everyone did, they even fed each other.” Delphine mutters, “Us too... it was interesting.”

“You let them feed you?” Cosima snorts.

“Why not? Participant observation.” She justifies it.

“Ooh, someone has been talking cultural anthropology.” But Cosima’s voice is light and teasing, would it still have been if she’d shown up tomorrow instead?

“I took courses in cultural anthropology in France.” Delphine shoots back in response.

“Delphine.” Cosima giggles despite herself, as Delphine scoops up another salmon roll between her fingers, bringing it to Cosima’s mouth. It’s nothing like being fed by her hosts, or feeding her colleagues in an act of cultural immersion.

A clever tongue teases at her fingers, and lips linger slightly too long as they blissfully take the food. Her breath is caught in her throat at the sight; feeding Cosima is sexy.

“Mmm.” Cosima hums happily, “It’s good. I didn’t think I was hungry but...”

“You have to eat. Did you take your pill?” Delphine stands instantly, about to offer to get it, before remembering she does not know how to navigate this house, she doesn’t know anything about it.

“Yeah I took it a while ago.” Cosima reassures her reaching for another piece of sushi, eagerly popping it into her mouth.

“Good... I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Delphine states as her eyes find what is unmistakably a wedding picture on the wall. Her lovely little Cosima, in a cocktail length white dress with short puffed sleeves, standing next to a man. David, her mind reminds her, that must be David. It’s simple, and beautiful, Delphine finds herself fixated on that image, of Cosima as a bride.

“Oh don’t look at it... please... just...” Cosima picks up a piece of sushi, holding it temptingly close to her own mouth before she acquiesces and takes it, licking unnecessarily at the backs of Cosima’s fingers as she does.

She finds herself smiling, reaching for a piece of tuna to feed to a waiting Cosima. It’s sensual, certainly, and she finds her own arousal growing by the minute as she continues to eat and occasionally feed Cosima, enjoying the feel of her warm mouth and tongue against her fingers.

“Do you want to stay?” Cosima asks, reaching out to play with Delphine’s fingers, “Do you want me to get you something to drink? Anything?”

“I’m fine.” Delphine answers, now is not the time. Not the time for this at all. She’s warm in a way she shouldn’t be, not now and definitely not here.

“It’s okay.” Cosima reiterates, leaning in to kiss her softly on the cheek, “We’re the only two here.”

She blushes slightly before another kiss to her lips stops her, soft and slow. Her own instinct is to push further and she does for a minute before Cosima breaks away breathlessly.

Cosima shakes her head, but she’s smiling, “Whoa… that’s a little much right now.”

“I’m sorry.” She breathes closing her eyes. She had been in the room when the doctor had told Cosima no sex at least until after she finishes the course of antibiotics. What was she doing?

“It’s fine. I just can’t go there right now, like even if I had the energy, I could make you sick.”

“I might already have it.” Delphine shrugs.

“Might… and I doubt it. Do you want to stay anyways?” Cosima tilts her head, gently leaning forward.

“Okay.”

“I could…” Cosima cuts herself off, climbing to her feet, “Okay, let’s clean this up.”

“You could what?” Delphine hops up behind her, gathering the garbage and following Cosima to the kitchen to dispose of it.

“Touch you, if you want… as long as we’re careful and it’s just like my hand…”

“Non.” She shakes her head, pulling Cosima tightly into her arms, “I’m alright.” She kisses her forehead twice, noting that it’s still slightly warm.

“I think I’m going to go back to bed.” Cosima announces, “You can crash in the guest room, but will you help me change the sheets first?”

Delphine climbs the stairs behind Cosima, secretly grateful that there are few pictures in this house, little evidence that David truly exists besides the photo in the livingroom.

“Bedroom is this way,” Cosima points towards the master bedroom, “That’s the guestroom on the right, bathroom is right beside of it.”

“Just... let me change the sheets.” Cosima doesn’t bother elaborating as she shucks the white sheets from the bed and tosses them into a hamper before disappearing from the room.

 “Cosima?” Delphine calls awkwardly after her, staring at Cosima’s bedroom. Cosima and David’s bedroom. She does not want to think about what has gone on in that bed. Does not want to picture the no longer faceless David crushing Cosima into that mattress.

She has a brief moment of déjà vu, the navy sheets Cosima has pulled from the linen closet remind her of something. A dream, maybe?

“Umm are you going to help me dress the bed?”

“Yes of course.” Delphine nods, grabbing the other side of the fitted sheet, unable to rid herself of the thought of how strange this all is. Dressing the bed that Cosima shares with her husband.

“Is this too weird?”

“It reminds me of a dream actually.” Delphine responds distractedly as she tucks the sheet around the mattress and leans to finish the opposite corner.

“Yeah...I think I had a similar one actually.” Cosima remarks casually.

“C’est bizarre.” Delphine shrugs reaching for the flat sheet to lay on top.

“I think we might have to change the guest room’s sheets too.” Cosima muses aloud.

Delphine sighs, “Let’s get this one done first.”

 

**

When she wakes during the night, an arm thrown out to the side yields the feel of soft skin, she presses her lips to the back of Delphine’s shoulder and hears her moan slightly in response. So much skin, only one scrap of fabric - Delphine had worn nothing but panties to bed. She moves herself over Delphine’s back. Even through her pyjamas she craves the contact.

“Am I dreaming?” Cosima mumbles, dropping kisses to the back of Delphine’s neck.

“No.” Delphine answers.

“Was there someting wrong with the guest bed?”

“Non, I just wanted to be with you.” Delphine shifts under her, forcing her to lay on her side and allow Delphine to flip over.

“Trouble sleeping?” Cosima murmurs.

“A little. And now I’m trying to sleep in your marriage bed.” Delphine grumbles into the pillow, “I keep waking up.”

“Try not to picture that.. god…” Cosima strokes a hand lovingly through curls, longer now than they were in the summer. “Do you need to move back to the guestroom?”

“Non.” Delphine admits sleepily, “Your fever has gone down.”

“Yeah. I’m feeling much better.” Cosima mutters, “Still not great though.”

“Come here,” Delphine encircles her with her arms, tugging her back in against bare skin. It sends a flood of warmth through her body. She’s instantly aware of just how much skin is bare. Delphine’s legs pushing against her own, bare breasts crushed to her own chest. It’s not even two in the morning, but she leans forward, intent on making out Delphine’s face. It’s too much, even just holding her.

“I love you.” Cosima breathes, “We have to do something… I… fuck.”

“Shh… shh.” Delphine shushes her gently, guiding her back to lie down, “Sleep now.”

She allows herself to be soothed, the delicate stroking of Delphine’s fingertips lulling her back to sleep.

**

When she wakes in the morning she’s panicky when she finds the bed empty. And Delphine’s clothes no longer slung across the bedroom chair.

“Delphine?” She calls out, quickly getting out of bed and running down the stairs, “Delphine?”

“Oui?” A voice calls from her kitchen, “I was just getting breakfast, do you want some? I can make you crêpes if you want? I can’t believe you have a crêpe pan.”

“Yeah. Okay. Breakfast is good.” Cosima answers, not wanting to explain the pan is a wedding gift that has never been used.

“What’s wrong?” Delphine looks her over, her kitchen is a mess as Delphine has had to open every cupboard and drawer looking for things.

“I was afraid you’d left.” Cosima admits shaking her head, “Don’t, don’t worry about that.”

“Cosima, I am not going to leave you.” Delphine sighs impatiently, “Can you get me a larger mixing bowl?”

“Yeah. Of course.” Cosima breathes, and heads towards the right cupboard.

“And take your antibiotics,” Delphine reminds her under her breath.

“Don’t mother me.” Cosima protests, but it’s half-hearted. Maybe, she wants to be taken care of, just a little.


	29. Chapter 29

Cosima readies herself happily, a week of antibiotics had nearly obliterated her symptoms and... there had been Delphine.

They’d spent most of the week together, when Delphine wasn’t working. And while it wasn’t everything she wanted, at least they were spending time together. Delphine would kiss her and hold her, and even feed her. So what if they weren’t having sex, though, Cosima thinks to herself with a smile, that could change soon.

She returns to fixing her hair, she’d even managed to get a little work done on her dissertation notes.

When she hears knocking at the door, her heart soars - Delphine, she thinks, excitedly running down the stairs, half-dressed.

“Hey!” Cosima answers the door excitedly, pulling Delphine tightly into her arms as soon as the door is closed.

“Allo.” Delphine smiles at her, “You’re feeling better, aren’t you?”

“So much better.” Cosima smiles before tugging Delphine back in for another long hug, “Still taking my antibiotics for a couple more days. Nearly done now.”

“Good... do you want to get going?” Delphine’s arms grasp her gently, but don’t pull her in snugly like she was expecting.

“What is it? Is something wrong? I missed you yesterday.” Cosima admits with a slow smile.

“Non, everything is fine.”

Cosima nods, “I’ll go finish getting dressed.”

“Alright. I’ll wait here.” Delphine states, watching her climb up the stairs.

Cosima grins, feeling much more like her old self, “Mmm, you sure? You could come up and help me?” She can almost feel Delphine rolling her eyes.

“Cosima you’re going to make us late.” Delphine shouts up at her.

“Yeah kinda always late.” Cosima calls down the stairs dismissively. Slightly wounded, she finishes dressing. Is it just her, or is Delphine...colder?

The phone ringing disturbs her thoughts, she throws the closest dress over her head and runs downstairs to answer it.

“Hello?” Cosima calls cheerfully into the receiver. Delphine’s eyes have gone wide as she follows her into the kitchen and it dawns on her that she’s afraid that it’s David. She wants to reassure Delphine but doesn’t say anything else until the voice on the other side brashly responds.

“Cosima, so you’re home then?” Felix’s voice sounds clearer over the line and she releases a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“What are you up to?” Cosima asks politely. Felix rarely calls, he usually just shows up.

“I’m letting Scott ride me like a pony,” Felix lays on the sarcasm, “What do you think I’m doing?”

It takes a minute for it to hit her, “Shit. Shit. You’re waiting for me.”

Felix fumes at her, “God what planet are you on?”

“This one I swear... I can’t today.” Cosima tries to be apologetic, but her heart isn’t in it.

“Why?”

“Umm..” Cosima glances back at Delphine, standing just out of range watching her with a curious expression on her face.

“Fuck. You’re going out with Delphine. David’s away for work... Why do I bother.” Felix slams down the receiver, leaving her on her own.

“Who?”

“Felix. A friend.” Cosima adds when she sees the look on Delphine face, “He’s gay, Delphine.”

Delphine smiles slowly, “I was....”

“Afraid it was David?” Cosima tries gently. She looks around, her home feels different. There’s actual groceries in the fridge, leftovers from meals that Delphine has made for her, or that they’ve made together. Clean dishes sit in the rack next to the sink, washed from the last meal they had together. It feels like a parallel universe in a lot of ways, a taste of an alternate reality where she makes her life with Delphine.

Delphine nods, and she instantly pulls her in for a kiss.

“Non.” Delphine shakes her head, “I brought the car back, but I need to get to campus.”

“Oh come on...” Cosima cajoles, pulling on Delphine’s hands, pulling the not-completely-unwilling woman closer.

“It’s finals, Cosima. I have so much marking to do, and a bell ringer to set up for the skeletal lab and and two exams to finish writing.”

“Fine.” Cosima agrees, “Lunch first?”

“Non...” Delphine begins to pull her towards the door, “We’re going to be late.”

**

Delphine had left her as soon as they arrived, pressing a quick placating kiss to her lips and running off to teach a class. Her suggestions that Delphine cancel the class as an end-of-term treat for her students were met with scowls.

Cosima spins on a chair in the grad student room, she’d looked through her dissertation notes, briefly met with her advisor who’d been annoyed by her absence - even due to illness. A stack of her advisor’s papers to grade sit in front of her.

“Oh, hey Cosima.” Scott greets her casually, taking a seat at the open desk next to her, “I have TA hours so, I kind of need to settle in here.”

How are you?” Cosima asks politely for a moment, remembering that Scott’s girlfriend didn’t take kindly to her bratty attitude with Scott.

“Fine.” Scott responds, surprised, “Good to see you back.”

“Yeah I was sick for a while.” Cosima brushes it off with a gesture, not like Scott needs to know... if he doesn’t already.

“I know. Dr. Moore had me doing her marking in your absence...” Scott makes a face, “Good to have you back. Would you mind taking a look at the fourth chapter of my dissertation later?”

“Umm, sure, Scott. Hey... has Daisy said anything strange to you?” Cosima looks Scott over suspiciously.

“That she loves me?” Scott volunteers eyes wide as she leans threateningly into his personal space bubble.

Cosima has to strangle her own laughter, “Umm that’s nice Scott... I meant about me.”    
“No... well other than she thinks you’re mean to me and that she doesn’t like you?” Scott offers apologetically.

“Great... okay Scott. Good for you?” Cosima shrugs, “I’ll... well I like teasing you Scott... but I’ll try to lay off a bit.” 

Scott nods, “No it’s not good. I mean it’s wonderful, but it’s slowing down my dissertation.”  

“You have to have like, some kind of life.” Cosima gestures grumbling slightly. Why was she even here? Couldn’t she do all this from home anyways?

“Yeah... but... wait how do you manage to get so much done now that you’re married?” Scott asks curiously.

“What?” Cosima is taken aback, what does that have to do with anything.

“How do you balance it all?”

“I don’t.” Cosima shrugs with a sad laugh, “David does his thing. I do mine. It’s fine.”

“He still gone?” Scott probes delicately. Does he know, Cosima wonders, if not about her bout with chlamydia, about Delphine and herself?

“Yup. Still gone. As I said, doing his own thing.” Cosima nods, gesturing out what she hopes will be the end of this conversation.

Scott seems to consider what she says for a moment, “Right... so that’s why Delphine and... never mind.”

If Scott, who is so helpless with social cues can pick up and her and Delphine, who can’t? Cosima finds herself thinking absently, finally grading papers as requested.

**

“Hey.” She announces herself casually as she slips into Delphine’s office as a sheepish looking student leaves.

“Hi.” Delphine answers from her seat behind her desk, she rubs her temples slightly. It’s tempting to sit herself on the desk, relieve the tension from what is obviously a difficult day.

“What’s going on there?” Cosima glances after the young man, locking the door behind him.

Delphine states simply, “He is failing my course.”

“So?”

“He was trying to raise his grade.” Delphine laughs.

“Oh god no...” Cosima makes a face sticking out her tongue, “Tell me you’re not into that shit. Ughh.” She’s joking, but the thought of this kid offering sexual favours to Delphine makes her skin crawl.

“Non.” Delphine snorts slightly, “No I let him rewrite his term paper.”

“Really?” Cosima raises an eyebrow.

“I still don’t think he’ll pass. He barely showed up to my class all term.” Delphine shakes her head, filing his work back in with that of her other students.

“I missed you.” Cosima insists, finally easing herself down on top of the desk, leaning so that she brushes against Delphine’s body.

“Cosima...” Delphine warns voice low, but she doesn’t listen, and with a giggle, she has Delphine trapped between her thighs, pulling her into kiss.

“I locked the door.” Cosima assures in a low whisper, kissing Delphine desperately, lips laying claim frantically. Maybe, if it’s faster, it will be easier.

 

“Not here.” Delphine breathes back, moaning into her mouth anyways. She breaks away grinning to kiss along a pale jaw, a soft tempting neck.

“I need you now,” Cosima murmurs into Delphine’s neck, “I don’t want to wait anymore.”

Delphine shakes briefly in her arms, a moan emerging from her lips as she pulls her in to kiss. Her hands press up to her face, and Cosima whimpers at the slightest contact. In her fantasies, it was always Delphine coming too easily undone, Delphine whimpering and pleading with her under her tongue, or her fingers.

She plays delicately with Delphine’s earlobe with her teeth, letting go, she lets herself groan, “I want to be inside of you.”

“Uhh.” Delphine groans, burying her face into her neck, letting curls tickle her skin.

Her fingers slide under the waistband of Delphine’s pants, “Hush... quiet...” Cosima urges, pulling Delphine’s lips back to her own. She’s so close now, fingers teasing curls and down...

A knock at the door sends them flying apart, both panting to catch their breath.

“Dr. Cormier?” A young voice calls from the other side of the door, “Dr. Cormier, are you in there?” 

Cosima shakes her head, and they both remain silent for several minutes until the student has left.

“This cannot happen again.” Delphine says finally, glancing between the two of them.

“But... Delphine.” 

“Non, I know it’s normal to take lovers. But... not here. Not at work.” Delphine clarifies, “Cosima, I work here. You’re finishing your PhD here... this cannot happen.” 

She pouts for a few moments before attempting, “Do you want to come over tonight?”

“Non. I don’t think I should.” Delphine lets her eyes close with an exhale of breath.

She presses forward, fingers teasing at Delphine’s knee, “Come on…”

“Cosima, you are not yet finished your course of antibiotics.” Delphine sighs in frustration closing her eyes.

“I never said you had to do anything to me…” Cosima tries again, keeping her tone light and playful, “All I want is to make love to you.”

“And what about David?” Delphine is unable to keep the emotion from her voice.

“What about him? We aren’t hurting anyone. I’ll... I’ll deal with him later, okay?” Cosima offers, “I mean, long-term isn’t working there... but... I’m kinda stuck at present.”

 “Move out.”

“What?” Cosima’s taken aback.

“Move out and live with me.” Delphine demands, keeping her voice low and their eyes locked.

“Take me home.” Cosima grips her closest hand, “Please.” Can’t it wait until later? At least let them both get through finals and exams before ripping their lives apart.

**

  
She hadn’t meant to say yes. She’d packed up her belongings, and allowed Cosima to lead her by the hand across campus, walking down the few streets until they come to her apartment building. There’s a slight, nervousness, she finds, walking with Cosima hand in hand.

“Are you hungry?” Cosima asks her casually, never releasing her hand for a moment. Cosima doesn’t care if someone sees them together like this, affectionate, holding hands. Why should she? Is this slight anxiety related to Cosima’s husband? Or her sex? She attempts to analyze it inwardly for a moment, not coming to any distinct conclusions.

“I love you.” Delphine offers, pulling Cosima into a kiss, in full view of her neighbours. A few people are around, but no one really reacts. At least, if they do, they do not confront them.

Cosima doesn’t resist at all, completely unashamed of this, of their love. Maybe she still has a ways to go, Delphine reasons. Or perhaps, it’s just an adjustment, part of loving a woman openly that she has not yet had to confront.

“Are you okay?” Cosima strokes her jaw with a tentative finger after releasing her lips.

“Yes.” Delphine reassures them both and leads Cosima upstairs. She doesn’t bother with dinner, it can wait she decides as she leads her slightly baffled beloved to the couch.

“What are you doing?” Cosima laughs, “I thought... well I thought we were going to bed. Or you know, like eating first.”

Delphine considers her response for a minute, “I want to sit you on my lap.” If this was going to happen, it was going to be her way. If she had to be Cosima’s lover, it would be on her own terms.

“Seriously?” Cosima giggles as Delphine sits on the couch, tugging Cosima down after her, she wraps her arms around Cosima’s waist, burying her face in her neck.

“Oui.” She sniffs at Cosima’s neck, humming happily.

“You want me like this?” Cosima indicates her position, sitting with her back to the armrest, across Delphine’s thighs with her legs on the couch.

“Yes.” Delphine confirms with a quick nuzzle to sensitive skin.

Cosima seems to enjoy her subtle attentions for a few minutes before finally telling her, “I guess you’re not feeling as desperate as me.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“Do you know what I dream of?” Cosima’s voice has gone low again, likely on purpose, but she permits her to continue.

“Non.”

“I dream of making love to you, and your arms are around me and you’re telling me how much you love me and it’s perfect, so perfect.”

“Ohh.” She cannot help herself from moaning. It’s been too long, far too long since she let anyone have her like this.

“That’s what I want.” Cosima nuzzles back, kissing a trail along her face until she reaches her lips.

Delphine bites her lip with a smile, “Me loving you?”

“You loving me, you wanting only me... It’s stupid really. Lame ass fantasy.” Cosima offers with a half smile, “I want to be the one inside you, the one touching you…”

She hums into Cosima’s kisses as the small brunette squirms on her lap into a better position, pushing down into her with every needy kiss. Cosima wants her, Cosima needs her, and the words morph into tension between her thighs, arousal dripping from her body.

Strong hands grab her, one behind her neck, the other sliding between the cushions and her back as Cosima moves over her, lips and tongue demanding her full attention. Cosima grows hot on her lap and she moans happily at the feeling, the warmth of Cosima’s arousal, even through fabric.

“I’ve wanted this for so long,” Cosima confesses in a quiet whisper between kisses, “And when you took care of me...ohh…” With a needy sigh her lips are captured once again, a hand darting between them to unbutton her own blouse, Cosima nonverbally communicating her feelings over the matter.

“When I took care of you?” Delphine breathes, caressing Cosima’s face lightly, kissing her forehead, her chin, her nose.

“Mmmhmm.” Cosima pulls her in for another kiss, toying with her upper lip, biting it lightly.

“I don’t want to be your mistress.” Delphine says in a low voice. Certainly it was common in French society, among wealthy influential men, to take lovers and mistresses as they pleased. She wanted to be known for her own accomplishments, not being so-and-so’s lover, or a homewrecker… Is it even truly the same with Cosima?

“Mmm no, you’re my love, my lover.” Cosima reassures, the placation of semantics slowing her for a moment, returning desperate kisses before Cosima kisses down her neck, pulling back the cup of her bra to draw a pert nipple into her waiting mouth.

“Only me?” She persists, knowing what her words truly mean: promise me it will only be me, say that you’ll leave him.

With a groan, Cosima releases her breast, “Only you, Delphine.” Cosima moves to the other breast, teasing around a nipple with her tongue before sucking it firmly.

“I’m going to Peru.” Delphine admits finally.

Cosima looks up at her in surprise, permitting the breast to slip from her mouth, “What?”

She runs her fingers through Cosima’s hair, “I’m going on dig, to Peru, starting in May.”

“Fuck.” Cosima collapses forward, face to Delphine’s chest, “Seriously? And then what?”

“I don’t know,” Delphine answers honestly, “That depends on you, if you want to be with me-”

‘Of course I want to be with you,” Cosima interrupts impatiently, “What the hell do you think I’m trying to do now?”

“I want to be with you,” Delphine promises, pulling Cosima into a tight embrace, “But you have to leave him…”

“Can’t we just get through exams and Christmas?” Cosima whines.

“I’m going to France for Christmas.”

“Fuck it.” Cosima pushes herself off Delphine’s lap, reaching to straighten her clothes, to leave.

“Where are you going?” Delphine asks, voice breaking, “Don’t… don’t you want to be with me?”

“Of course I do,” Cosima looks at her in a last ditch effort, “Can’t we just fuck now and talk later?”

“Non!” Delphine insists, buttoning her blouse, “I need you to promise me!” She cannot back down, there’s no future in this if Cosima will not commit. Her emotions teeter beneath the surface, arousal being taken over by something else.

“Well… I can’t right now.” Cosima grumbles, “I think I better go.”

“Fine!” Delphine finds her voice growing louder, “Leave!”


	30. Chapter 30

“It was ridiculous Felix...” Cosima groans into the phone, “And then she wanted me to leave.”

“Well, it is kind of your fault.”

Cosima cannot believe him, “My fault? I had her nipple in my mouth and she started going on about -”

“Yeah you told me,” Felix tells her impatiently, “Tit in your mouth and she starts yammering on about promises and fidelity. Why do you bother Cos? Find someone else.”

“I don’t want someone else.” Cosima groans, “I want Delphine.”

“Okay, first off, that’s lame. And second, are you even done your antibiotics yet? Cool your jets.”

“I have a couple days left,” Cosima admits slowly, “But I wasn’t going to let her touch me...”

“Bullshit.” A loud click interrupts their conversation.  
   
“Fuck...” Cosima curses under her breath.

Felix chirps, “What’s that?”

“Cosima?” David calls from the door, a thump of a suitcase hitting the wooden floor boards echoes slightly, “You home, babe?”

“Always-David-never-Dave? Isn’t he early?”

  She doesn’t bother responding, instantly hanging up. No way is she going to deal with both Felix and David at once.

“You’re early.” Cosima remarks casually, turning around to face her husband. She can feel her heart sinking instantly, annoyed she tries to shake off her own emotions.

David rounds the corner, pulling her into a tight hug, head pressed to his chest, “Yeah, I hadn’t heard from you. I was worried.”

“I’m fine.” Cosima cannot quite shake him off though, arms wrapped tightly around her.

“I know you said I had to go get swabbed, but I’ll do it tomorrow or the next day... Not like we have sex much anyways.”

“Right.” Cosima nods, running a quick calculation in her head, they wouldn’t be able to have sex until... mid-December?

“How have you been feeling?” David asks, opening the fridge, “What’s all this?”

She knows what he’s looking at. The leftovers in tupperware, the fresh fruits and vegetables, all the food he wasn’t expecting to see. Everything Delphine had bought for her, brought here for her.

“Food.” Cosima answers, “You know, for eating...”

“Yeah... I mean what the hell is it doing here? Have you been cooking? You must be feeling a lot better.”

“Yup. Almost cleared up now.” Cosima nods, “Couple more days of antibiotics and then I have to go back for a follow up. Make sure the infection is cleared.”

“You need me to go with you?” David offers, “Woah... what is this? It looks really good.”

“Ratatouille.” Cosima pronounces the syllables carefully, trying not to smile at the memory of Delphine cooking it for her, putting her to work as sous-chef chopping various vegetables.

“Bless you.” David smacks her ass lightly, causing her to scowl in his general direction, “What the fuck is rata...whatever?”

“Vegetable dish. It’s pretty good.” Cosima brushes him off. Surely David won’t dig? Does he honestly care what is in the fridge.

“Sounds...French.” David reasons through it, “Is it any good? Can I have some?” 

“Help yourself.” Cosima shrugs, “I’m going to go shower.”

“Right, you want to see a movie tonight? I can run out and get us a rental and a pizza if you’d prefer?” He offers gently, “Unless you want to cook again, but I’m beat.”

“Yeah. Yeah that’d be good.” Cosima sighs, leaving the room. Why did he make it so hard?  
It wasn’t going to make her stop longing for Delphine, if she could even fix it after the last disaster, but it makes it hard to go.

**

 

_December 1985_

“And that’s when my wife told me, no dear, that’s not how you say hello.”

A gaggle of men laugh half-heartedly at the tale, David among them. It was in her recollection, the most boring work Christmas party she had ever attended. After last year, David had given her a one glass of wine limit that makes it hard to stay as entertained as when she was permitted to be tipsy and flirt with one of the receptionists.

Cosima cannot be bothered to fake a laugh, this Christmas Party is a disaster. Delphine is gone to France, to see her family? To have Luc or some other Frenchman pound her into her childhood mattress? Either way, she’s gone until the New Year.

“Well that’s the gays - just spreading disease around...” An older woman comments in a small group not that far from where she is standing.

“If you ask me, it’s just the natural consequence of what they do. Sin and plague.” Another comments with a grimace.

She finds herself unable to stop wincing at their ridiculous words, bunch of WASP-y hypocrites.  
David doesn’t notice, not in time to warn her off.

She speaks finally, volunteering unasked, “Actually, they figure it can spread just as well through vaginal sex, blood transfusions and needle sharing.” Cosima pushes herself closer to the small group, snacking on cubed cheeses and sipping wine and punch.

“If we locked them all up, they’d all die off.” A man comments ignoring her, “Maybe it’d be better. No one wants the gay disease.”

“Well unless you’re fucking them on the down-low or sharing needles for intravenous drug use you don’t have anything to worry about.” Cosima says a little louder, attracting the attention of a panicked David.

“Who is this woman?” An older man glances around, “I don’t recognize you from the office.”

“I’m David Walsh‘s wife.” Cosima states flatly, “Cosima.”

“Cosima, honey, let’s just avoid discussions of politics. And religion.” David gently grabs her by the shoulders from behind. She can feel the tension in his fingers, the restrained anger he rarely regards her with.

“Your wife is rather interested in diseases and gays, David.” The same man comments.

“Nope, I just have friends with that disease and they are not a health risk to you.” Cosima spits back.

“Bit too radical.” A coworker of David mumbles under his breath.

“Cosima volunteered last year, with people with AIDS, humanitarian work.” David tries to brush it over, “That’s all.”

“So liberal.” An older woman, probably another wife, comments awkwardly, “Isn’t that dangerous? Do you really want your wife-”

“Time to rein her in, David,” An older man interrupts, clapping him on the shoulder, “I wouldn’t let my wife run around the Castro, especially not these days, never know what she might bring home with her.”

“Oh John,” The man’s wife stops him, “She’s so young... just let it go.”

David tries to smooth things over as she politely excuses herself to the washroom. Splashing some water on her face. At least if she screws up here, it won’t be over Christmas with the in-laws? Cosima tries to justify it, failing miserably. She’d promised she’d not tell her in-laws about her past, or anything that would look bad on David, but she’d made no such promises about his coworkers.

David looks at her disappointed when she finally emerges, her coat already slung over his arm. His own already on.

“Time to go?” Cosima has to try to look serious, to stop herself from smiling.

“Yes. Definitely time to go...” David shakes his head, helping her into her jacket, “John is one of the business partners, Cosima…”

“I can fasten it myself.” Cosima complains, shaking off his hands to button her coat herself.

Once they’re in the car, David looks over at her, “This isn’t funny Cosima.”

“I know...” Cosima groans fastening her seatbelt.

“This is my career we are talking about. This isn’t one of your friends’ parties where you can talk about this shit.”

“I wasn’t the one bringing up AIDS. I just corrected misinformation.”

“That’s not your job.”  

“I didn’t even want to like come to this stupid party.” Cosima whines, leaning forward to flick on the radio. The sounds of Chicago’s Inspiration fill the car, she turns up the volume, longing for the distraction.

“Not now Cosima.” David leans forward to flick the dial off.

Cosima shrugs, “I like that song.”

“This is my job. This pays for your life. Our house. Your tuition. It’s going to pay for that baby you keep saying you want. And whatever drugs your HIV-infected friend ends up needing... and who knows what else.”

Cosima finds herself interrupting, hands dancing gracefully as she goes, “Ummm, I haven’t talked about that in a while. I think I need to focus on my dissertation.”

“Fine, but... you cannot bring up gay stuff at my work. You cannot do that to me. It’s not fair. I have worked hard for this job, this is my life. I love it.”

“Why? Can’t have your boss knowing you married a dyke? Would you rather I bring it up to your mother?” Cosima threatens, fingers waving wildly in the air.

David shakes his head, letting go of the wheel for a moment, “Don’t say that.” 

“Why? It’s true.” Cosima snorts, finding herself relaxing more the further they get from the party.

David brushes her off, “Because it’s... like you’re not really a dyke. Not anymore anyway. Plus it’s vulgar.”

“David... I am always going to be a lesbian.” Cosima sighs, “You knew when you asked me. You knew when you met me,”

“How could I not notice you groping another woman in the corner of a party? Of course I noticed.” David shakes his head, turning down another side street.

“What if we stop having sex? Like completely?” Cosima suggests tentatively, “I mean our arrangement isn’t built on it or anything. I think we’d both be happier, probably.”

“Cosima, we haven’t had sex since before Halloween.”

“And it’s working... well kinda.” Cosima admits, hands continuing to gesture. It was probably a good thing she wasn’t driving, she realizes quickly.

“Feeling tense?” David jokes, “But... if you’re going to take lovers, I want you to use condoms. Be more careful.”

“Oh, I will… and umm no more men.” Cosima tries cautiously. It’s not happening. Not again. Maybe another woman. Maybe never if Delphine didn’t pull her head out of her ass.

“Okay. No more men.” David nods his assent.

“Just women.” Cosima reiterates. Thinking again of Delphine as she had many times over the past few weeks. Delphine hadn’t even wanted to talk to her, simply politely brushing her off and reminding her that they both had a lot of work to do with finals. TAing was something she should try to be better at, Cosima thinks, maybe in the new year she’d manage to get a handle on things.

“Yeah, I got that with the no more men bit. Probably safer for both of us anyway.”

“Saves us embarrassing trips to the doctor?” Cosima reminds him with a laugh. She shouldn’t be this flippant about it, but it beat facing the possible after effects of pelvic inflammatory disease. It was however, a great excuse not to fuck David. Or anyone else.

“Dr. Aylmer still thinks I cheated on you.” David laughs, “Always blame the husband...”

“You let him.” Cosima snorts, then adds more gently, “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Ehh, it’s better this way.” David pulls into the driveway, “Is something wrong? You’re really off the last few weeks? And I know I’ve been busy, and you’ve been busy - but are we okay?”

“I’m fine. Just dissertation shit.” She buries her head in her hands, Delphine is probably like en route to Paris by now. Three weeks in France. If she even comes back after the disaster last time.  

“You could quit if you want.” David offers, “But then you need to get a job cause I don’t think it’s healthy for you to be home alone all day. I mean, women like go stir-crazy like that. Or worse.”

“No way. I don’t want to be at home all day. It’s this dissertation that I want to be doing. This is a good thing. It’s just hard, okay?” She can’t tell him about Delphine, not now, and what would even be the point? She’d rather just leave him and let him figure it out on his own if it came to that. Best case scenario he’d be...aroused? Cosima muffles a laugh slightly, no that would never do.

“Okay.” David nods calmly, “Seriously, don’t tell my mother. I haven’t even told her that you kept your own name.”

“Mmm Mrs. Walsh. I don’t like the sound of that.” Cosima toys with him now, voice playful again.

“Cosima Niehaus is a more interesting name… if you like that German thing.”

“Hey! That’s like my name. And I am keeping it.” Cosima laughs, “You better not be asking for that.”

“Well if we have that kid you want, don’t you want us all to match?” David suggests flippantly, “I guess it doesn’t really matter though.”

“Can we not right now?” Cosima groans, “I can’t deal with that shit right now. I have enough on my plate.”

“What do you think would happen if we had a kid… you know, I’m not big on the whole baby thing, so it would be your job.”

Cosima responds impatiently, none of this is new information, “Yeah. I know. We talked about this when we got married.”

“We could always not have any… it’s easier probably. And it can wait… you’re right.”

“Okay Mr. Walsh, let’s go home.” Cosima sighs, closing her eyes and leaning back against the seat. She swears she can smell the faint scent of perfume, left over from when she drove with Delphine. Probably a trick of the mind, Cosima tells herself, she doesn’t need anyone. And she certainly shouldn’t be able to smell her.

**

_Paris, France, Christmas Eve, 1985_

She stands between her brothers, as her father takes a photograph of his three children, before pulling her in to kiss on both cheeks. Her grandparents’ house was large, large enough to fit the entire family when it came to it.

“Papa...” She protests half-heartedly, but she knows that her family is happy to see her. Her mother most of all, who pulls her back into the kitchen as soon as the fussing over her brothers is complete. As neither of them have left France, Delphine wonders secretly if the fussing is warranted. Her grandparents concentrate on last minute decorations, prepping the extra rooms for guests who may need to stay over when it’s all said and done.

The last week had been a flurry of preparations for Noël, helping her mother set up her large expensive nativity, cleaning the house for Christmas, and generally being put to work.

Once they had picked her up at the airport she knew that this was coming. She knew exactly what was coming. Preparations, visits to her grandparents in Lille, midnight mass, the Réveillon meal and more food than she had planned on consuming during this trip home. She would easily gain weight, though she would work it off again, eventually, especially if she went on dig again.

Her mother pulls her aside in the kitchen, putting her to work cooking, “Est-qu’il y a un jeune homme?” She’d spent most of the past two days in this kitchen with her mother. At least there was plenty of room to cook, Delphine reasoned, much better than her tiny apartment kitchen.

“Non.” Delphine laughs slightly shaking her head. She couldn’t very well tell her mother that American men were lousy in bed. She’d rather tell her about Cosima.

“Tu as dormi beaucoup,” Her mother comments, muttering as she instructs her exactly what she is doing wrong with the food. It really is too much, even with their home to be overrun with relatives after Mass.

“Mmm.” She hums in response, before adding, “Ce n’est pas un homme.” Such simple words, it’s not a man - but the effect, she turns to look at her mother, to gauge her reaction.

Her mother stares at her for a moment, before continuing to open the oven to baste the goose. Oysters and cheese and venison and more food than they could possibly eat litters the kitchen in various stage of readiness. Cakes and pies already sit waiting on shelves, covered for later.

“Maman?” She regards her mother curiously, wondering if she’d even been heard.

“Shh, ma belle, c’est pas importante.” Her mother shrugs, seeming altogether too calm about the whole thing, “Tes tantes vont arriver bientôt avec ses familles.” It is true, they are about to be overrun with relatives, some before mass, and even more once it is over.

“Elle s’appelle Cosima.” She adds in a low voice, “Je l’ai rencontré en 1979, en Italie, mais elle est Americaine. Elle habite à San Francisco.” Delphine lets herself trail off, telling some of the story of Cosima and herself, but not nearly enough. Not how her heart leaps when she sees her, or the irresistible, near-magnetic pull Cosima seems to hold for her. Not even of David, Cosima’s husband. Who she would like to imagine as some kind of monster, versus the entirely average looking man he is. Would she cast herself as the rescuer in this fairytale? Silly, considering how reluctant Cosima is to leave him… is it only the money? Delphine wonders again. Or is there something else?

She’s quickly chided for her lack of attention, “Delphine! Fait attention! Tu vas brûler les huîtres!” Her ever-practical mother, Delphine cannot help but smile at her, cares more about whether or not she burns the oysters.

Is she even listening? Delphine thinks, as she pulls the offending dish from the oven, it’s perfect, of course. Not burnt in the least. But then a warm hand presses to her shoulder with a smile, and it is enough reassurance, for now.

 

**

  
At least she’d escaped a family Christmas, Cosima thinks, nestled snugly under David’s arm cuddled up on the couch.

A Wonderful Life, plays on the television, lights dimmed low. Finally some peace and quiet, her dissertation forgotten for the next few days at least. In fact, she’s forgotten nearly everything about Berkeley, except Delphine. She cannot help herself from thinking about the Française, and whatever she’s doing now. Eating? Church? Sitting with her family? Fielding questions from well-meaning relatives? Letting Luc fuck her? Cosima shakes her head as if to clear it.

“I think I’m going to go to bed after the movie.”

“Okay, you know, we still have to drive up to my sister’s on Boxing Day.” David reminds her gently, giving her a quick squeeze.

“I know.” Cosima sighs, “I just really don’t want to deal with this right now.”

“Hey, whatever’s bothering you, when you want to talk about it, I’m here, okay?” David strokes her hair, and she can smell him too well, his sweat, see the concern in his eyes.

Cosima grumbles, slipping out from his grasp, “Not everything is about you David.”

“Then why are you being weird with me?” David throws back, trying not to raise his voice.

“You want to fuck? Is that what this is?” Cosima offers finally, “We can fuck.”

“I want to have a conversation about what the hell is going on. You’re different, Cosima.”

“No, I’m the same.” She scoffs softly, “Let’s not do this on Christmas, okay? We have like... a week of your family stuff to get through.”

“Not with me.” David shakes his head, “Where are you lately?”

“I told you, it’s my dissertation. Not everything is about you.” Cosima groans as the credits start rolling, standing up to stretch her legs, and run the popcorn bowl back into the kitchen.

“What about sex?”

It has been over two months, Cosima considers carefully, and it is like Christmas... maybe she should. It’s not like anything was happening with Delphine... and it might alleviate some of the... could she call it boredom?

“Come upstairs and you’ll find out.” She offers finally, a slight tease in her voice. She hollers from the kitchen.

She wasn’t expecting the enthusiasm with which David rushed in to pick her up, or throw her over his shoulder. He’s not even a big man, she finds herself thinking, he’s only a few inches taller than Delphine.

Sandy hair in his eyes when he finally plunks her down on their bed, “Merry Christmas.” He offers, working the buttons of his shirt.

She undresses herself quickly, mostly so David won’t try to do it. “I don’t want to create some weird fantasy this time... can you just like... think about it? Or something?”

“Umm I guess.” David offers, crawling on top of her, he kisses her frantically for a few moments, more passionately than she’s used to when they’re by themselves like this. For a man, David isn’t really that hairy, but suddenly all she can think of is the hair on her husband’s ass.

“You know I’m still gay, right?” Cosima finds herself muttering.

“Yeah. So what?” David mumbles his response, a large clumsy hand going to grope at her sex. His fingers are too big, but practiced enough that it should still work. He reaches over to add lube, working her rhythmically, expecting some kind of reaction.

Her mind is everywhere. Anywhere else. Why is she doing this? Why does sex even have to be a part of their arrangement? It doesn’t seem fair not to, she’d thought when they’d started, but now…

 “I don’t think I’m going to...” She admits sheepishly after several minutes.

“Just relax.” David begs her, fingers working more quickly, “You’re wet, it’s fine.. just let it happen.”

She nods but her eyes feel like they’re stinging, so she closes them, unwilling to create a fantasy for him, her mouth stays firmly shut. He’s probably not even hard without the cheating draw. This should be brief, and then she can go back to her lame hopeless Delphine-pining. Quietly.

A twitch against her leg as David changes positions proves her wrong. Shit.

“Just ...skip it.” Cosima mumbles, rolling over before pulling his hips in, hoping that this is fast. It’s just sex, she reaffirms silently, she’s had much worse than this.

“From behind? Really?”

“Yeah...” Cosima mumbles, “Something different.” She doesn’t want to look at him, and maybe that is terrible. All of her fantasies about her next sexual encounter shatter quickly. She’d wanted this to be Delphine; post-chlamydia, post-pelvic inflammatory disease, post the multiple exams and cell cultures of making sure that she was ‘clean’ again, whatever that meant. Delphine being gentle and tender with her, kissing her face, all that soft smooth skin pressed against her own. A sort-of celebration of it all. Being disease-free. Being reunited here at Berkeley.

He enters her cautiously, gently before thrusting more firmly, she’s not even paying attention to what he’s saying behind her. Creating his own fantasy? Mumbling affirmations at her? Telling her how tight she feels? It won’t be that much longer til he comes. David grunts loudly, and she knows she’s tight due to her reluctance, it should be quick, judging by his increasingly rough thrusts. At least, she hopes not. Cosima rolls back her own hips, moaning encouragingly for a moment before an undeniable twinge of panic runs through her.

“Pull out.” She says suddenly, eyes flying open.

“What?” David stops confused, “What’s wrong?”

“Pull out.” She repeats insistently.

There’s a sudden loss of fullness, of pressure as he does, “Seriously?” David looks down at her, erect cock in hand. “Withdrawl? Is this because you want to stop, or that you don’t want...”

“Yeah. It’s... it’s not the time for baby-making.” Cosima answers trying wildly to find additional reasons. Disease risks? Pregnancy risks? Totally incurable lesbianism?

“I’m not that close yet,” David protests, “We could go a little longer...Or...”

“Yeah you are.” Cosima responds decisively, he can finish himself off for all she cares, “Just.. like... masturbate or something.” She waves a hand dismissively as she rolls over, pulling blankets up to cover herself. She doesn’t even want to know what the ‘or’ leads to. No way, she’s shaking her head just thinking about it.

“I don’t even get to look while I finish?!” David whines. Though, she reasons, the deprivation probably turns him on more... the humiliation aspect of the fetish she’s never really understood.

“I’m tired.” Cosima grumbles, from her spot on the bed as the blanket is ripped off her. She doesn’t have to turn around to know what David is doing, the grunts and hot low breath she can feel are enough of a sign.

David bites down against the back of her neck as she feels something warm splatter against her ass.

“Eww... did you have to come on me?” Cosima whines in exasperation, “Gross. Now I need a shower.” She can smell it and it makes her want to gag, a trickle of ejaculate drips down her ass as she pushes herself up off of the bed shuddering at the thought.

“I’ll join you. But so... are you going to get another diaphragm?” David asks, offering her a hand, which she shakes off instantly.

“Yeah. Or you can wear a condom.” Cosima informs him. That would be her preference, maybe it will be enough of a deterrent. 

“But we’re married!”

“So?” Cosima throws back, unsure of why she’s choking up now.

“Shit... you’re crying.” He stops suddenly, hauling her in against his chest instead.

“I need a shower.” She squirms to get free, free of his hairy chest and his man sweat and his near-suffocating concern for her.

“It can wait...” David strokes her hair, hauling her in.

“No.” Cosima tells him curtly, “It can’t.”

“Cosima, I love you, you know that, right?” David cajoles her.  
   
“No... no...” Cosima breathes. Not this. Not now. Anything but this.

**


	31. Chapter 31

_January 1986_

Her flight home seems to drag on forever, Delphine notices. Home. What a strange thought for that tiny apartment. Is it the apartment she misses? Her job? Or is it just Cosima? She crashes her first night back in the apartment. Waking the next morning to what seems to be a terrible mess, her neglected apartment sorely wanted for attention. After breakfast, she spends the next hour cleaning her apartment thoroughly, wiping down the counters, vacuuming every spec of dust from the apartment. The radio blaring out songs she rarely listens to.

“You're out of touch. I'm out of time. But I'm out of my head when you're not around. You're out of touch…” The song blares on the radio as she meticulously wipes down her blinds. Maybe she is out of time. Maybe they both are. Is it too late now? In the spring it will be seven years from the first day they met. How long can she wait around for Cosima. And...if she’s not having Cosima, who else is? Just David? Another woman?

She’s on her knees cleaning out her fridge when a knock on the door disturbs her, wiping off her sweaty hands on her jeans, she goes to answer it. But she knows somehow. Of course she’d show up now, while she’s braless and horrendously sweaty, her hair a frizzy mess.

“Cosima.” She greets her pleasantly. Unable to be mad when Cosima is here, when Cosima is looking at her like that. Maybe she’d gotten enough distance, maybe Cosima had somehow come to her senses. She’s sweaty, and her hair is a mess and Cosima is smiling tentatively at her. Cosima, Delphine acknowledges, looks perfect with hair braided back, and a red dress with dark wool tights.

Cosima shifts slightly at the doorway, “So, you’ve had enough cool down time after the last disaster?”

Delphine sighs, “Yes. But it depends. What is going on?”

“Just... felt like seeing you.” Cosima leans forward, “Can I come in?”

“I missed you too.” Delphine tells her warmly, backing up to allow Cosima to enter, “Tea?”

Cosima nods, seemingly in relief, “Tea would be great.”

“How was your Christmas?” She tries pleasantries, knowing this conversation will not stay there for long.

Cosima snorts slightly, “It did not go well.”

“Why’s that?”

“Umm I made a scene at a work Christmas party, alienated my in-laws by being distant and apparently my husband loves me. Awkward.” Cosima grimaces, as if to emphasize her point.

“Cosima...”

“I know, it’s not working. I know I need to end it... And I really want you, Delphine.” Cosima says from her spot on the couch. She cannot stop herself from feeling a stab of longing in response.

“So... what are you going to do?” Delphine prompts gently, plugging in her electric kettle.

“I don’t know.”

“You need to know Cosima. Do you even know what you want? What kind of life you want to have?”

“I think so...” Cosima responds cautiously, “I mean who really knows that? Things can change.”

“I need to know. And you need to know.”

Cosima tilts her head, her face amused, “Do you even know what you want?”

“Yes!” Delphine responds emphatically, “Archeology, and you. A life with you. When you are not being an asshole.” Cosima, she’s learned, is capable of more cruelty than she would have thought. It hasn’t changed though, Delphine acknowledges to herself, it hasn’t changed anything. She has concerns, about their future, about fidelity and long-term, about building a life together when things were so up in the air - she knows she’s likely a decade away from tenure. Who knows what the next few years would bring for either of them?

“That’s not fair.” Cosima steps forward towards her, facing her head on.

Delphine counters with a humourless laugh, “Not fair?”

“Yeah. It’s my life too. And ...fuck it...” Cosima groans, burying her face in her hands, “It sucks.”

“I know.” She responds as gently as she can, a hand gently caressing Cosima’s arm. “You’re unhappy.” That’s the reason for the harsh words, the rudeness, all a result of Cosima’s own misery. She sees it, how can Cosima think she doesn’t? The radio is still on, but she can barely hear it now. Maybe she doesn't really want to.

“Bearding sucks. I ...I didn’t think of it as exactly bearding, but I think that is what it is becoming.” Cosima tilts her head, fingers twitching with the desire to gesture emphatically.

“So what do you do now?”

 Cosima shrugs, hands flying in random patterns, “I don’t know.”

“You need to know.” Delphine insists loudly, “If you don’t know, then why are you here?”

“Because I want to be.”

“So... you need to leave him Cosima. You need to leave David. You’re not doing any good putting it off longer.”

“This is my decision and not yours.” Cosima tosses back defiantly,

Delphine shakes her head, “You have one way forward, Cosima, and this is it. There’s no other way, I know you’re miserable.”

Cosima groans, scoffing, “How do you know?”

“Look at me, you don’t even enjoy him, do you? His love. His… attentions,” Delphine winces at the thought, now far too able to picture it, “I know you don’t like it.”

“How do you know that?”

“I can feel it.” She sees the stunned look in Cosima’s eyes at her words. She’s hit on something there, she knows it. Maybe she’ll always be able to feel her like this, in a way. Despite her concerns, her worry about Cosima’s… temperament?

“I know, I know...” Cosima trails off hopelessly, “You’re right. I have to leave him.”

Delphine tries to soften her words, “So why delay this any longer? Just... end it, Cosima.” She doesn’t understand, she had never found it difficult to end relationships that she did not want to be in. Is it because it is a marriage? Financial reasons? Does Cosima still have affection for David?

“Do you have any idea how often I dream of you?” Cosima pleads with her, “Like... it was less often before we met again this spring, but now it’s right back to where it was. Like the first time we met. And they’re not even as weird, but they’re ...” She lets herself trail off hopefully.

“What?” She cannot believe Cosima is even asking this. She is the one who had brushed off her dreams years ago, and the possibility that they might mean more. Now Cosima wants to talk about their dreams?

“Everything to me right now, don’t...don’t you get it? I mean... I know you feel something Delphine, I can see it.” Cosima tentatively pulls her in, “Do you still want this? Want me? We can have it.”

“Yes. How can you even ask me that?” Delphine shakes her head, unable to keep tears from forming in her eyes. So much, for so long, but is this enough for Cosima? One woman, just one? No traditional family. No approving nods in public, or from her family or prospective employers. Who knows where she’d have to move for work? Or where Cosima would want to live - if she’d let them leave California. If she’d follow her, or insist on staying or move across state-lines. So uncertain, all of it.

“Then what’s the problem?” Cosima seems to sense something off about it, but she’s not afraid. No that’s not it.

“That there are things you want that I cannot give you.” Delphine’s voice breaks, lip quivering as she looks at Cosima.

“I love you.” Cosima murmurs sweetly, face pressed into her shoulder, “None of that matters with you. I love you.”

“I want...” Delphine pauses, biting at her lower lip as she looks down at Cosima in her arms, “I want to make love to you.” It’s been too long, Delphine acknowledges, she’ll have her now and sort the rest out later.

“Oh.” Cosima mutters, pushing herself upwards enough to make contact. Her lips are slow, soft, nothing like their frantic coupling in August.

“Let me be the one... let me give you this.” Delphine whispers gently, kissing as softly as she can. She can be gentle, or passionate, she thinks with a pang of delight as she hauls Cosima in against herself, lifting her briefly off the ground as she kisses her passionately.

Cosima giggles, “Put me down before you hurt yourself.”   
She doesn’t want there to be someone else, but in the back of her mind, there is, “Is... is there another woman?” She’s already started in on Cosima’s clothes, removing sweaters, unfastening buttons as quickly as she can. If she stops, if she’s slow - she’ll remember.

“Delphine, there’s not-” Cosima stops briefly, hands in her own clothing, stroking skin eagerly, “Did someone tell you-”

“No one had to tell me.” Delphine presses a quick kiss to her cheek, “I want you to be with me. Not her. I don’t want to know Cosima, I don’t want to know who she is. Or anything about her.”   
“Okay.” Cosima swallows.

“I’m all sweaty.” Delphine laughs, “Should I shower? Should...we?”

Cosima grins, pressing her nose between her collarbones, “Mmm sweaty Delphine. I don’t mind.”

“Je t’aime,” Delphine promises, her voice a low whisper, “Je t’aime.”

Her t-shirt is lifted easily over her head, she winces when she sees the pit stains from cleaning but Cosima merely smiles tossing the shirt behind them.

“I love you.” Cosima grins as she cradles her face in her hands, drawing her back in for another kiss, and another.

**

She guides Delphine backwards, stripping clothes as they go, unfastening her belt and letting the jeans fall down her own legs, before pulling her own dress up over her head.

Delphine leans forward immediately murmuring to her, “Mon amour,” strong nimble fingers going to unhook her bra, lips to kiss her neck. She lets her own hands fall around her loosely, burying her nose in soft growing curls.

She doesn’t mind the sweat, or the frizzy hair, or the apartment smelling strongly of vinegar - Delphine must be an all-natural kind of woman when it comes to cleaning, Cosima muses happily as she tugs her love back up to kiss.

“Shower?” She offers again, “We don’t have to... I’m... I don’t care, but...”

“Yes” Delphine nods, leading her slowly back towards the bathroom, “Come and shower with me.”

Bathing Delphine, the thought sends a quick jolt of excitement shuddering down her body, arousal building quickly, swelling, gripping,.. needing.

Delphine turns the water on, bending to remove her plain white panties, leaving them on the bathroom floor. Cosima groans as she suppresses the strange urge to pick them up, to smell them, instead stripping down out of her own, climbing into the tub after Delphine and drawing the curtain shut.

“Are you okay?” Cosima asks, watching Delphine soap her body quickly, under her arms, between her legs.  
 “Can you wash my back? Delphine prompts turning around, permitting her to caress more-so than wash, even with soap on her hands. Her hands relearn the landscape of Delphine’s body, her breasts, her belly, her hips, the magnificence of her back, dotted with beauty marks, her lean yet strong form. All available for her hands to touch, to grip, to fondle.

“I want you now.” She breathes back, letting her hands slip down, stroking through wet curls that have nothing to do with the shower, swollen ready flesh awaiting her eager fingers.

“Mmm.” Delphine hums at the teasing, arching, hips following her subtle movements, “I want to touch you.”  She finds herself laughing when Delphine does, she’s clean but her beloved makes the same movements, cupping at her breasts, grazing her hips with her fingertips, admiring her body before hauling it in tightly, lips kissing more frantically than expected as a hand darts between her own legs, quickly threatening her control.

“No... no.” Cosima stops her for a moment, “Let me make you come.”  
“What?” Delphine looks confused, hazy as she guides her hand away from her own sex.

“This is for you.” Cosima insists, dropping to her knees under the warm spray of the shower.

“Oh?” Delphine moans, as Cosima pushes forward, her tongue flicking out, darting between slick folds. Her hands grip at Delphine’s buttocks, trying to hold her still as her love wobbles slightly against the slick surface of the tub.

“No... I want inside.” Delphine whimpers down at her, the contradiction of her hands tightly holding her close, fingers locked in her hair.

Instead she stiffens her tongue, easing it slowly inside Delphine’s entrance, not even bothering to tease, her tongue-thrusts delightedly, moaning at the taste, at the feeling of Delphine, already so tight around her.  A quick shift of weight stops her, she drops back to sit on her heels looking up at the increasingly frustrated face of her lover who whimpers at the loss.

“Jesus Christ, Delphine, how long has it been?” She finds herself asking.

Delphine simply shrugs and turns off the water, “Let’s lie down so I don’t fall and break something.”

“Especially if it’s you,” Cosima adds wisely, “I don’t want another E.R. trip on our to-do list.”

They struggle to release each other enough to climb from the tub, leaving wet footprints across the tile. She nearly falls, Delphine barely catching her, laughter in her voice as she guides her back onto her feet. She wraps pale pink towels around both of them, but it’s not that cold. Not inside, not with Delphine looking at her like that.

Inspiration strikes, as she pulls Delphine behind her, stumbling to the couch, Cosima swiftly tossing her own towel off and laying it on the surface of the fabric before guiding her to sit.

“Cosima I have a bed.” Delphine protests, but it’s lighthearted at best.

“Mmm I know,” Cosima drops to crouch between her legs, to finish what she started. Delphine’s legs shake and shudder, so she holds them still, open allowing her to continue what she started - enjoying Delphine, flicking and sucking lightly, burying her face in her, nose pressed into curls as her love comes undone her in arms, gushing her pleasure as she shakes with a low groan.

“Well that was quick.” Cosima remarks between light licking at Delphine’s oversensitive sex.

“Viens.” Delphine insists, pulling her up onto her lap, “Oh... Cosima.” She tastes herself on her mouth and groans, kissing as if she intends to consume her.

“Are you happy?” She finds herself asking between slowing kisses, what a silly question to be asking now. Grinding down onto Delphine’s lap has them both moaning, this sort of arousal, this desire - goes beyond anything else. She could hide here, if those could be the right words. Away from her past. Failed relationships. Former lovers... maybe even herself. Hands grip her hips, guiding their increasingly frenzied motions.

“Lit.” Delphine repeats in English, “Bed.”  
“Have me on the couch,” Cosima mumbles into her lips, kissing harder, knowing she’s leaving trails of arousal on Delphine’s bare thighs, she’s dripping down onto her, the light stimulation this is offering her seems perfect for now.

“Bed...” Delphine repeats, “I want you there.”

She doesn’t deny her, though grinds down once more, making them both moan, before acquiescing and bolting for Delphine’s bedroom. Plain white sheets await her, comforter already turned back for some reason.

“Come...” Delphine repeats, letting herself flop back onto her bed, never letting go of her hand.  

“What do you think I’m trying to do?” Cosima jokes, sliding up over Delphine’s skin, sighing at the full body contact. Maybe this is what she was craving, her hips rocking pointlessly despite herself, maybe this is all she wanted.

“Nothing wrong with wanting to be comfortable.” Delphine whispers, before guiding her up to kiss with her hands, cupping her face as she goes gentle again, teasing one lip, and then the other.

“This is enough for me,” Cosima breathes between kisses, “Just this.” And for the moment, it’s true. She doesn’t need anything but this. She doesn’t even really need to orgasm to be satisfied here. Cosima rolls her hips down into Delphine’s again, and she clings to her, skin to skin.  
Delphine bites her lip for a moment, looking up at her before she rolls her onto her back, feeling the warm weight of Delphine’s body pressing into her.

“It’s not enough for me,” Delphine breathes, shifting her weight up to bring her hand between them, toying with damp curls, skimming her sensitive flesh.

“Mmm.” She hums happily, unsure of what else to say.

“Comme ça?” Delphine asks, sliding into her without preamble.

“Any way you want. You feel wonderful.” She murmurs, hands wrapping tightly around Delphine.  
 For a few minutes, Delphine is slow, and gentle, kissing at her cheeks, her chin, her neck as she continues to move into her.

“What do you want? Harder?” Delphine asks, kissing gently as she begins to thrust her fingers firmly.

“No. I want you to be gentle with me.” Cosima says finally, realizing it as she says it.

“I’ll be gentle.” Delphine promises stilling her hand, “So gentle, my love.” It’s sweet delicate movements, even as she moves her legs, changing positions to feel her deeper, she groans with every little movement, every well-timed brush of Delphine’s thumb. Delphine shifts with her, and suddenly, her knees are up to her chest, and Delphine keeps moving slowly, gently.

“Are you happy?” She asks again, voice breaking, she looks up at Delphine, sweaty, affectionate, regarding her with tenderness.

“Yes. You are perfect. This is perfect.” Delphine assures sweetly, never stopping her delicate movements.

“I love you, I love you,” Cosima finds herself repeating, her voice a low whine. She’s the one, she’s the needy writhing one that she often imagined Delphine to be.

But Delphine doesn’t shush her, doesn’t try to silence her at all. She moans deeply, dropping her lips to her sternum as she continues to work her until she is a desperately whimpering mess who breaks at the slightest touch of her thumb.

She cries out, clinging tightly around Delphine, tensing around her, bringing her legs out from between them as soon as she has the ability to, wrapping her entire body around Delphine.

“My love... My love...” She finds herself crooning. Kissing the top of Delphine’s head, squeezing her to her breasts.

She pulls Delphine up to kiss, softly now, smiling at the sweetness of her, this moment, cuddled together in her bed. Skin slick with sweat once more.

“Mon amour…” Delphine whispers as she brushes her nose with her own, letting curls flop into her face. Perfection, Cosima thinks, kissing her again, absolute perfection.


	32. Chapter 32

 Hours later and she still hasn’t left, they’ve gone from bed to kitchen to couch. Filling their bellies with freshly made food for dinner before curling up on the couch, under blankets and nothing else.

“This is nice.” Cosima comments, not speaking of the nothing old B-movie airing on television, but of the feeling of Delphine’s bare skin against her own. The feeling of Delphine’s breasts pressed to her back as she holds her from behind. Nipples erect and pressing into her own skin.

“Oui,” Delphine agrees with a sigh and a quick squeeze.

“Hey! You fed me a lot... you don’t want to squeeze me right now.” Cosima jokes.

“You did not eat that much.” Delphine assures her sardonically, bending to kiss her shoulder.

She could let herself get carried away like this, warm mouth pressed to her shoulder and hands coming up to fondle her, instead she just sighs, “How are you feeling? Like really?” Cosima leans back contentedly. She doesn’t move to stop Delphine’s ministrations, but needs an answer the same.

Delphine doesn’t answer, doesn’t stop the trail of light kisses she’s intent on leaving up her neck.

“Delphine?” Why can’t she quell the fear of losing her? Cosima wonders, especially when she’s all over her.

“I’m good...” Delphine hums, leaning over to kiss her jaw as her hands creep steadily upwards. It’s leisurely, completely unrushed and she delights in it.

She relaxes into the roaming hands that creep up from her waist to her breasts, “More?” Cosima laughs.

“Yes...” Delphine insists, leaning forward to draw an earlobe into her mouth, sucking then grazing lightly with her teeth.

“What do you want?” Cosima leans back, enjoying the leisurely open mouth kisses being pressed to her neck, the heat and pressure that near-instantly rebuilds itself.

Delphine lowers her voice, “More.”

“What?” Cosima squirms and moves to turn around, to pin Delphine into the couch, “Here and now?” She grins down at the trapped archeologist. Instead she finds herself quickly caught by Delphine’s strong legs wrapping around her, a warm mouth pressing soft kisses to her closest cheek.

“More of you. Doesn’t matter.” Delphine plays with a stray piece of her hair.

“Delphine!” She answers in exasperated laughter, “Pick something.” Does Delphine believe her when she says she's leaving him? Will she give her the time to figure out how. She doesn’t elaborate, she knows that the idea at least will arouse David... could she leave him without letting on why? Would he shrug? Or make it difficult for her?

“Do I have to care? Can we just stay like this?” Delphine suggests, pulling her in more tightly against her own skin, another soft teasing kiss to her shoulder follows.

“Yeah, of course, if you want.” Cosima acquiesces easily, though she doubts this teasing will continue for long. She want to warn Delphine, it may take longer than she wants for her to leave David. She can’t just pack her bags, she owes him some sort of explanation. Or a least a talk about what she wants first. She intends her words to be a warning, but is unprepared for the guilty twinge she feels at Delphine’s worried expression.  Is she really concerned, or is this something else?

“I want you now.” Delphine pouts at her, but she can tell that she’s hurt by it.

“You have me.” She half-begs until Delphine presses another kiss to her forehead, her jaw. They’re okay for now, they must be. Would Delphine feel the same after a year or two with her? Would she grow bored of her? Would they become too competitive in archeology? What would happen with Delphine’s visa? What if she’s across the country next year?

Delphine grabs her chin, demanding simply, “Stay here tonight.”

 Cosima nods, “I will.” She leans in to meet her kiss. Delphine has been consistent in her love for her, surely that much at least wouldn’t change. She could feel safe with Delphine, Cosima tells herself, grazing her bottom lip with her teeth.

A smiles breaks across Delphine’s face in response, “You do not have to leave at all... if you don’t want to.” Another kiss, another pull of strong steady hands towards her. Fallen in love. Fallen into Delphine’s world. She sighs, unable to help herself, her worries of the future can wait until later.

Cosima considers her response, she has somewhere to be tomorrow. Special favour for Felix, but she grins back happily, “I don’t really want to leave anyways.” Tell me you want me to stay, she thinks instead.

She owes David an explanation at least. Possible series of conversations around separating and how that would play out between them. If he’d want her to delay until after his next work project. She could give him something like that, Cosima supposes, as long as sex is off the menu. But would Delphine be able to stand that? Would she lose her? Can she risk that?

“Do you want to keep watching?” Delphine offers gesturing towards the television, “Or...go back to bed?”

They’d actually spent less time in Delphine’s bed today than she’d assumed. And it wasn’t a lack of wanting so much as just... comfort with whatever this is shaping up to be. Or maybe since it wasn’t so short term this time, Delphine’s desperation is muted somehow. Do you want me? She longs to ask. All the stupid questions. Does Delphine crave her? Love her? Need her?

“Mmm Dr. Cormier, is that what you want?” She teases, unable to help herself. Delphine leans into kiss her, playing along, but how long can this continue on for? How long would Delphine be able to tolerate?

“I want you to be mine.” Delphine purrs, breaking the kiss, “La mienne.”

She jumps in to reassure her, “I am. I’m not sleeping with him anymore, Delphine...” She begs the last few words, stroking at Delphine’s face as she feels hands gripping fiercely at her ass.

Delphine’s reaction to her words is the same frenzied passion as before. Will this last? Can it? Cosima moans happily, allowing her lover to take control, to push her into whatever position she desires.

**

She cannot get enough, Delphine thinks happily, moaning as she presses Cosima into her futon couch. She leaves a trail of soft kisses down her neck, her chest., the blankets pushed off shoulders and out of the way.

“Belle.” She murmurs into Cosima’s skin, she inhales deeply and lifts her eyes to meet Cosima’s with a wicked grin, “Et delicieuse.”

Cosima giggles in response, she can feel the laughter reverberating through her body, muscles shaking slightly. She dips her head again, softly laving a bare nipple with her tongue, but Cosima cannot stop laughing. Even when she’s threaded her fingers through curls, obviously enjoying the attention paid to the erect nub. How can this feel this innocent? This unsure? She is not 21 years old anymore, and yet...

Cosima moans into her mouth when she pulls her in for a kiss, and it’s easy in so many ways. But... is she saying the right things? The important things? Things that please her?

She knows, of course, what men want to hear. Francophone men. Anglophone men... It’s not that different, she’s learned. How big they are. How full she feels. How talented they are at sex... Whether or not it’s actually the case. What does Cosima want to hear? Is it enough, the things she says now? Or the more vulgar things she’d said when they were younger, trying to bring it back to some sort of familiarity with her prior experiences.

Cosima’s sounds are enough for her, but is what she says enough for Cosima?  
“Do you like what I say to you?”

“You mean when we’re having sex?” Cosima looks at her, watching for a nod, “Yeah. When I understand it. Sometimes even when I don’t.”

They’re moving together again within minutes, hands slipping between thighs, Cosima’s first, hers following, moving in a slow awkward sort of synchronicity. The delight of being inside Cosima and feeling her lover’s hand tease her gently with little thrusts. And she knows she’s speaking, words of love, of affection, les mots doux. For Cosima, all for Cosima. The pleasure reaches her, but it doesn’t matter as much to her as Cosima’s, she tries to shift their position, to top Cosima here.

“Bed?” Cosima offers after a few minutes of clumsy simultaneous thrusting.

“Oui.” She agrees, laying on the charm as she reluctantly disengages her hand from Cosima’s sweet sex, pulling her along by the hand.

“Was the at the same time thing too much?” Cosima wonders aloud, sitting on the end of the bed, pulling her in, watching closely.

“A little... we can try again.” She offers, pushing Cosima down by the shoulders, moving to hover on top of her.

“Is it enough for you?” Cosima looks up at Delphine in concern, hand slipping back between thighs easily.

“Of course you are enough.” Delphine reassures, “Let me have you, let me touch you now.”

She hopes Cosima doesn’t mistake this urge for a lack of desire, but Cosima seems concerned when she stops fingering her, lying back seemingly defeated.

“What do you want?” Cosima offers, “If it’s something else… I’ll do it. I just want you, okay?”

“I want to have you. I want you make you mine.” Delphine groans in an attempt to arouse her lover further, she wants to top, to be on top. Isn’t that enough for right now? A desire to please, to show Cosima she can be what she needs. An urgent desire to claim Cosima as her own… as silly as it seems now.

Cosima smiles at her, but for a moment it seems so sad, “So have me.”

She covers the smile with a kiss, her own hand working steadily between Cosima’s legs, stroking at her lightly, gliding through her arousal, before thrusting in with two firm fingers. Faster than before? Is that what she craves?

“Comme ça?” She offers curling her digits in slick heat, “Like this?”

“I need you… I need you…” Cosima whimpers beneath her, pulling her in close to pant against her lips.

“Mon bel amour…” She coos back, Cosima must know, she needs her too. Needs to have her like this. Delphine easily works in a third finger, unable to stop herself from groaning in response to the little whimper Cosima lets out. Within minutes, she’s gliding in smoothly again, copious arousal dripping from Cosima’s sex, from her own hand. Cosima could take it, Delphine realizes with a sharp thrill ending in a throb between her own legs, her whole hand. A new fantasy quickly forming, she disregards the small voice telling her it’s too much, too possessive, too needy.

“Baby, baby…” Cosima croons up at her, one hand grasping at her hair, holding her close to meet her lips again, panting against them slightly in time with their movements.

“T’es incroyable.” Delphine croons to a writhing Cosima, her own body responding in kind.  
She’s not willing to be rough, but tries to work in her pinky as well. They’ve done this much before. How much could Cosima take? And would this fill her more than David?

“Wait... what are you trying to do?” Cosima stills her briefly, looking her over, without loosening the her grip on Delphine’s shoulders.

“I want to be inside...” Delphine begs softly, “All the way inside. As much as you can take.”

“Umm...what?” Cosima doesn’t move, doesn’t thrust up against the teasing fingers that appear to be trying to all fit inside her.

Delphine responds as if it’s obvious, “Fisting.” Would Cosima think it’s sexy? Like some of the members of her bisexual group? Or would it frighten her and cause her to tense up?

**

“Umm yeah, that sums it up... where’d you learn that word?” Cosima looks amused, and aroused. Maybe this was something they both wanted. Delphine, all the way in, the thought has her intrigued, and Delphine biting her lip.

“The bisexuals group.” At least Delphine has the decency to blush, “And before that you, but you never told me what it was called. Is that a no?”

“No...” Cosima considers, she knows Delphine well enough to know she’ll be gentle, “It’s a yes.”

“Have you done this before?”

“Yes.” Cosima answers honestly, reaching back for the closest drawer, finding the lube she’d expected to find as her hand closes around a small bottle, “We’ll try, okay?”

Delphine seems almost disappointed at her answer, but she tries not to let it bother her. If she’s disappointed by the fact she isn’t a stranger to fisting. It’s been years, and Delphine’s hands are larger - close in size to her own, Cosima remarks inwardly, it will be a tight fit.

“I love you.” Delphine answers, pushing down into her again in a desperate kiss, whimpering and moving into her.

She has to guide Delphine, lead her through motions that never really became familiar to herself. She applies the lube to her hand, kissing reassuringly as three fingers become four, clutching hard as Delphine’s head drops to her chest, realizing she must readjust position to do this.

“Tuck your thumb in.” She whispers breathlessly, knowing her body will take it. As slick as it’s been made.

Delphine does, slowly, curiously, “Should I...?”

But she cannot stop herself from gasping, from feeling the stretch of it, as wet as she is, as much lube as they’ve used.  Delphine stills in response, tuned into her own reactions.

“Just do it.” Cosima urges, “Push in.” Is this possession? Reassurance? Both?  
 She cries out, and knows tears are forming in her eyes despite herself. She’s almost in completely when Delphine stills.

“Does it hurt?” Delphine lifts her head to meet her eyes, concern radiating off of her. “I don’t want it to hurt you.”

“Umm... kinda?” Cosima answers, “Sore... but it’s not like a bad kind of sore.”

Delphine looks at her, “Is it too much? Is my hand too big?”

“No… I want it. I want you like this. Deep inside. Filling me.” Cosima moans encouragingly, hazel eyes continuing to cautiously observe her.

“How?” Delphine moves tentatively, nervously.

“Make love with me like this.” Cosima demonstrates with a movement of her own hand, which Delphine immediately copies with her own hand, trapped by the strong muscles of Cosima’s sex. Her arms go easily back around her love, she tries not to shake, or cry, but knows she is already failing.

“Mine.” Delphine tells her breathlessly, choking up alongside her, “Mine. Mine. Mine.”

“Yours.” Cosima agrees tearily, Delphine slowly twists again, her delicate movements making her shudder. So much, with so little.

“La mienne.”

She agrees readily, “Yes.” It doesn’t take long for her to come undone around Delphine’s hand. It seems to surprise Delphine, looking down at her. She spasms and shakes, a hoarse cry emerging from her, tears falling readily as her inner muscles clench down rhythmically.

First Delphine is grinning madly, looking up at her, kissing down her sternum towards her navel. But she sees her wince.

“What is it?” She asks when she’s come back to herself, sagged against the mattress, exhausted for now.

“Oww..” Delphine laughs, “Is it supposed to feel like that?”

“Crap… you tried to rotate when I was coming.” Cosima breathes her delayed response, “Did it hurt your hand?”

“A little.” Delphine admits, first easing her thumb out, and then her fingers, “I could feel you… all of you, all around my hand.”

“Did you like it?” She asks hopefully, “It’s pretty intense sex…”

“Yes… are you okay? Are you really sore now?” Delphine wipes her arousal coated hand on the sheets, propping herself up on her lover once more.

“Yes. And...yes, but that’s okay.” Cosima smiles softly, playing with a stray curl, “I don’t mind sore. Not from you.”

Delphine smiles, biting her lip again before kissing her passionately, “Do you want to do that to me?”

“Not tonight… someday.” Cosima answers after a brief reflection.

“Do you want more?”

 

“No… I want to touch you now. Hold you… let’s just..like be together.”

“Okay.” She agrees. And for a moment they are silent. Instead they communicate through a quick brush of her nose to Cosima’s own, a hand coming to her face, fingers stroking her cheeks, pushing sweaty hair back from her face. It’s all love, all of it.

“Leave him.” Delphine runs her fingertips gently across Cosima’s mouth. She can’t resist bending down for another kiss, another press of fingers to cheek, holding her there.

“And then...?” Cosima looks up at her hopefully.

“Live with me. Leave him. Please.”

 

**

She comes in the back door, quickly slipping off her shoes and placing her purse on the counter. First she’ll shower, and then she’ll go meet Felix. She doesn’t have time now to-

“You didn’t come home last night.” David comments casually, interrupting her thoughts, as he makes himself his morning coffee.

“Nope.” Cosima nods in response, “I’m going to go shower.”

“So we’re over this bump, whatever it is?” David smiles, popping a slice of bread into the toaster for himself.

“I guess so,” Cosima hesitates, supposing it’s true in a manner of speaking, “What would you think of like... separating?”

“Cosima!” He merely shakes his head, “Are we out of peanut butter?”

“Second cabinet to your right. Where I put it.” She gestures towards the jar. Her habit of passive aggressively rearranging the kitchen has begin in the last month, her little rebellion. Reasons for David to want her to leave.

“I want to show you something,” David smiles, leaving the jar on the table and leading her to the dining room they rarely use, A large sheet of paper is laid out on the table, another draft of something.

She shakes her head, “I thought you don’t bring your work home with you.”

“This isn’t work. Look closer.”

It’s a house, she realizes examining it further, a large one. “You don’t do residential… Fuck… what? No!”

“Why not? Look at it, here’s the main floor. Larger kitchen, better for entertaining with the living room, another dining room - enough room for all your weird friends…” David keeps prattling on about his design as if he expects her to be impressed.

“What? We don’t need this. This is more space than we need.”

David brushes her off cheerfully, “Well.. why not? Then you could have an office, see, in this fourth bedroom upstairs. And we’ll have an ensuite in the master bedroom.”

“We have three bedrooms now... where the heck would you be building this thing?” She’s shaking her head in disbelief, where is this coming from.

“I’m looking at land in Oakland, or Berkeley outskirts...You know, where we’d have space to build this thing.” David finishes with a grin and a flourish.

“But you love the city!” Cosima cannot hide her confusion.

“I’m an architect. Nearly all of us build at some point.” Now he’s the one to gesture, as if this was planned.

“But you do buildings. Like corporate shit.” She shouts, mostly without meaning to, hands flying in frantic gestures.

“What can’t I do both? Anyways, what’s up with the separation talk? I thought we were okay.. I mean we made it through Christmas and New Years. You’re repainting the spare room... this is good right?”

“Okay?” Cosima regards him incredulously, “You can’t be that naive.”

David’s voice raises a few decibels, “We had sex less than a month ago... we’re actually doing fine.”

 “So my crying shower alone after was what to you?” Cosima cannot resist yelling as well as her husband. 

“Emotional?” He suggests calmly, “It’s just another bump.”

“I am not in love with you.” She reiterates, for the fourth time since his confession. She’d avoided him for the first week after, not easy to do when you’re pulled under mistletoe at family gatherings.

“But you do love me. It works.” David brushes off her concern, “It’s just a rough patch... and you can go elsewhere for sex when you want, you know that.”

“But we’re not passionate... we’ll never be passionate.”  She emphasizes her point with waving hands and wide eyes. Why doesn’t he get it?

“You have orgasms.” David deadpans her cluelessly, “And not just with me… how many offers like that are you going to get? It’s a win-win… you said it yourself last year.”

Her hand slaps to her head, “That’s not what I meant.” It doesn’t matter, not that her orgasms were occasional with him. Is it even worth arguing that it’s a physical reaction to stimuli? Would he even care. Maybe she should just pack a bag… Or try this conversation again later when he’s less ...into it?

  “We’ll do this later...” Cosima decides finally, “I have to go meet Felix.”

“Felix...” David seems whiplashed, “Why?”

**

Childish shrieks of laughter emerge from the curly haired child as Felix chases Kira around the park fountain. She has to stifle her own laughter, as Sarah looks at her nervously. She’d never gotten to know Sarah well, but she seemed calmer somehow than she’d been before. More grounded. Maybe it was living in one place so long.

“So… I was thinking we’d start the shoot here, and then move wherever.” Cosima announces, pulling her camera case from her bag, kneeling to try to get a good shot of the chaos. She’s sore, as expected, but cannot stop herself from being delighted by it. Proof of Delphine’s love, their rather intense lovemaking from last night. A promise of more to come, Cosima hopes, with a smile unrelated to the photo she is taking.

Sarah glances over, “How much of our day is this going to take Fee?”

“Just a few hours… you will want these photos someday. If not for you, than for Kira. And Cos is going to do it for free.” Felix lifts Kira up to walk along the edge, holding her hand. She smiles at her uncle and Cosima cannot resist snapping a quick picture.

“Right...just don’t like photos. All the fake smiles and posing shite.” Sarah grumbles.

“Well you live with me rent-free so Kira can go to kindergarten instead of dragging her cross country… so consider this your rent.” Felix grins, “What do you think, Kira?”

Cosima waves her hands, shaking her head, “No... no posing. Like look at each other. Just do what you want. Be natural.” She instructs. She doesn’t want faked smiles, or subjects posed stiffly. She wants to capture them as they are. She’s done with asking naked women to bend themselves to resemble the alphabet, or anything posed. It just feels so phoney.

“Photojournalism.” Felix says smugly, “Even better.”

“At it’s finest.” She quips in response.  She prefers it, it feels more real, more raw. Capturing subjects as they are, though maybe she has always been heading this way.

“Can I do a cartwheel?” Kira asks hopefully, hopping slightly on the spot. “Are you going to take a picture of me?”

“Course, you can monkey, just on the grass here.” Sarah responds ruffling the child’s long curls, “Cosima said whatever we want... yeah?”

“Yeah. I want to shoot the three of you, just living your lives. As is.” It’s more anthropological than many of her photos, but not so different than what she’s done before.

They lead, she follows. Through the city, and cafés, spots that Kira likes, walking down the street on her uncle’s shoulders. The way Sarah looks at her brother; affection, annoyance and concern pouring off her face in waves. How Kira sags against her mum and uncle when tired, before asking to be carried again.

Kira looking directly into her camera, telling a silly story only a five year old could come up with, one hand fiddling with the button on her overalls.

“It’s great.” Cosima tells her again, “What do you want me to photograph next?”

“My mum. Or home?” Kira thinks aloud. So she does both.

They finish the shoot in the loft, the home and family life that the three have built together. Kira her mum and her uncle. She shoots their dinner, and a round of monopoly, and the before bedtime games that happen after storytime.

“Okay, it’s definitely bedtime.” Sarah leads Kira by the hand, now clad in purple pyjamas, still jumping around the loft excitedly.

“I like Cosima.” She hears Kira telling her mother as she leads her up to bed, the curtained off area of the room that holds their cheap futon bed.

“Yeah? I think I kind of like her too.” Sarah answers, shepherding her daughter off to bed.

Cosima finds herself laughing and smiling, it was good to spend the day with family. Even if they weren’t quite hers. “So this is the life you’re having now?”

“Yes. And I still cannot believe you wasted three rolls of film on us.”

“It’s not a waste… this is your life. And I know you want Kira to have these. Sarah too… No matter what happens.” She tries to gear her answer towards the optimistic, sure Felix is an asshole half the time, but he’s also her friend.

“You know Cosima, I know a lot of guys who would appreciate this…” Felix suggests, “I mean some of them can pay you but…”

“I’ll do it.” She decides instantly, capture the lives that are fading out on film. The lives and culture of the gay men of the Castro. Their loves, their homes, their families or chosen families… so much to do. The nightlife, and the rest of it.

“Good… cause I have a list of names… and I think you should shoot Pride as well.” Felix informs her, casually. He’d planned this.

“Wait.. wait… for an exposition?” She clues in finally, not just for the men, but for art… Maybe it could be both, with permission of some subjects.

“Given as I am still living, I want to show again. Come on?” Felix begs, grabbing her hands.

Cosima only nods, “Yes.”

**

She gets home late, probably too late to call Delphine. Late enough that David has turned off the television and gone to bed upstairs. She has no idea how he spends his days now… and she cannot bring herself to care. It’s horrible, Cosima thinks, I’m horrible. He was supposed to be her friend, before any of this… he deserved better than her sneaking out one night and not returning. They’d have to talk, come to some sort of agreement how to end things.

The phone rings, interrupting her thoughts, and she rushes to answer it before David can get out of bed. Something telling her she needs to pick it up before he can.

“Hello?”

“I want to be with you.” Delphine’s voice answers her, somewhere between teary and defeated.

“You are with me.” Cosima reassures, “I love you…”

“No... I want to be with you. I want to live together and I want to work together, and I want to make love together.”

Cosima groans exasperated, “What did you call it when I was letting you wear me like a fucking bracelet?”

Delphine stops, perhaps shocked by her words, perhaps merely sobered by them, “Did you tell him?”

“That I think we should separate? Mostly.” Cosima reassures. It’s a work in progress, and David is unknowingly funding her photography project. She wonders briefly if she could get alimony before being interrupted by an incredulous Delphine.

“Mostly?”

Cosima cuts off the inquiry, ”I had to shoot today.”

“Shoot?” Confusion pours from Delphine’s words, she can picture her lover furrowing her brow into her phone.

“Photos. I told my friend Felix I would photograph him and his family today. You know, before I get back into the slog of my dissertation.”

“And that is more important than ending your marriage?”

“No... well it is more time sensitive. You see Felix has AIDS.” She doesn’t usually volunteer this, at all, but with Delphine it should be safe enough knowledge. Surely Delphine is intelligent enough to not freak out.

“Oh.” Delphine’s voice grows soft again, “I’m sorry. Is he a friend of yours?”

“Yes he is. And he’s not really showing symptoms, but it scares the crap out of me. Out of all of us. And so I photographed him, his sister and his niece all day. Just living. It was really beautiful actually. I’ll show you when I get them developed.”

“So you didn’t spend the day with David?” Delphine seems calmer now.

“Of course not… I don’t even know what he did all day. I saw him having breakfast when I came home to get my camera and film and shit.”

“Okay… when Cosima? When can we be together? Openly together.”

 

“Now… if you want? You want to go out? On a real date? We can do that.” Cosima offers, as long as David doesn’t see and get any ideas… what could the harm be.

“Do you want to get dinner tomorrow? I teach a class that ends at 6:30… late bite?” Delphine suggests.

“Yeah. Tomorrow,” Cosima stops, “I love you, Delphine. Don’t worry about that.”

Delphine sniffs into the phone, “I’m not… I just want you here.”

“I know… I know… soon, I promise, okay?”

“Je t’aime… I’ll see you tomorrow. À demain.” Delphine hangs up quickly.

Cosima sighs, definitely sleeping in the guest room tonight. Definitely.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the lovely twig-height for beta-ing (as she does for the vast majority of these chapters)

“Can anyone tell me what this picture is?” Delphine prompts her class as her assistant of the day changes the slide. Second year archeology wasn’t a dream to teach, but she’d done her best to make this first lecture interesting. Get her students to question their assumptions held over from television or first year.

“A mummy,” A student confidently throws out, sitting back in his chair. The first half of her class had been unfortunately dull, she’d handed out syllabuses, warned against plagiarism and went over what was expected for the term. She’d have to make this second part engaging or risk students not showing up next week.

“From?” Delphine prompts again, “Where are the world’s oldest mummies found?”

“Egypt. Duh.”

“Wrong.”

“Is it a natural mummy? Like due to weather?” Another student raises her hand.

“No. Not natural.” Delphine smiles, nodding for another slide switch, “This is a Chinchorro mummy, from Peru. 2000 years before the Egyptians mummified their dead. I’ve borrowed the slides for this lecture - this isn’t one of my digs. But it is where field school will be held later this spring.” She turns again, she always tries to keep moving when she’s lecturing, as much to keep the attention of her students as to keep her feet from getting sore from standing in one place.

“No way, miss.”

“Dr. Cormier.” Delphine corrects, “I worked hard for my PhD, you may call me Dr. Cormier, or Professor Cormier... not miss. Perhaps, if you choose to come to field school I will let you call me Delphine - that tends to happen on digs. But not miss.”

“Black mummies are unique, in that they were carried around - yes they moved them from place to place. The world’s oldest mummies are from Chile and Peru. Next slide.”  
 Delphine swears she hears laughter, and when she looks to the back of the room, even with the lights off, she knows she sees Cosima, leaning against the door, silhouetted against the open door.

“Chinchorro mummies. This one is an example of a black mummy, called that because they were painted black. Their mummification process was even more intense than the Egyptians. The bodies were taken apart, heat dried, all organs were removed and replaced with clay or other substances, covered with white ash paste, patched up and painted with black manganese. And they mummified everyone not just the elite.” Delphine looks around, a few faces seem stunned, other look at her in horror. A few seem somewhat nauseous. Well, Delphine thinks silently, they certainly won’t be able to call her boring now.

“Isn’t that kind of intense?”

“Yes. Which is why they then tried a different technique. Red mummies. Mud mummies. It went on a while... Why so much? One theory is that they carried their dead around with them. In a dry climate, the bodies mummified somewhat naturally, they simply began to intensify the process. Another is that they only buried their dead in shallow graves... better to have well preserved bodies than rotting corpses.”

“That is disgusting.” One student mimes gagging.

“Welcome to archeology.” A familiar voice calls from the back of the room, “You better stick to studying pottery or lithics ... cause even cultural anthropology will probably be too much for you.”

“And this is Cosima Niehaus, PhD candidate here at Berkeley.” Delphine introduces Cosima with a quick wave of her hand.

Cosima waves, and sits near the back, early but seemingly content to just watch her.

“And the next slide shows an example of a red mummy, from a slightly later time period - still with all organs removed, the head taken off to remove the brain before being put back together and painted with red ochre. Followed by mud mummies, where the organs were no longer removed, but bodies were covered in mud and then cemented into their graves...” Delphine is probably more excited than half of her students at this point.

**

  “I swear, I think half your students were going to puke.” 

“Non, not half. They’re tougher than they look.”

“What else did you show them?”

“Man’s first calendar.” Delphine smiles, “I want to trash all their assumptions before I start teaching them.”

“Yes... because men need a bone with 28 marks in it.” Cosima rolls her eyes and laughs, “You show them Venus Figurines?”   
“No... I’m waiting for a later class for that one. Prehistory is next week, and I need to save it for a case study.”

“But you used the mummies on them tonight? Social life after death of mummies... it was a hell of a first class!” Cosima grins at her, tugging her closer.

“Some of them. I still have a few cultures to work through.” Delphine smiles, looping her free arm through Cosima’s as she balances the box of slides on her hip.

“You need to return the slides to-”

“Nope. Tomorrow. Just lock them in the office.” Delphine leads the way to her office, letting Cosima grin and grab the key from her hand to get the door for her.

She gently puts the slides down on her desk, while Cosima leaves the books on her extra chair. Biting her lip she remembers, Cosima needy, desperate, all around her.

“I missed you.” She volunteers openly, pulling Cosima into her arms for a kiss.  

“The door’s not shut.” Cosima protests half-heartedly between kisses.

“Non, but it’s late...” Delphine kisses her again, nipping gently at her upper lip, “Barely anyone around.” Her hands have already found Cosima’s hips, gripping and pulling through her jeans, needing more contact. It’s not the time, she tells herself even as she has Cosima pressed against her, moaning softly at her kiss.

Eventually they break apart, “So... dinner?” Cosima invites breathlessly.

“Yes. Let’s go.”

**

  
They leave the restaurant hand in hand and giggling, “So ... wanna come back to my place?” Cosima teases her, pulling her in by the hand, grinning.

“Cosima!” She chides her slightly, but cannot resist playing along. They’re just barely out of the way on the sidewalk, but it doesn’t matter. She cannot seem to notice anything but Cosima.

“Well, we’re like dating now... hmmm yours would be better.” Cosima tilts her head, raising her eyebrows.

“My place? It is the only option.” Delphine considers more seriously, “Chérie, don’t you have things to do tomorrow?”

 Cosima pulls her closer, out of the way, of passer-bys, leaving a clear path to the restaurant. “So... back to your place?”

“Dyke.” The man mutters the words under his breath, laced with disgust. His companion, for her part remains silent, looking at them with similar eyes. She hadn’t bothered truly looking at them before she heard. The couple slip into the restaurant without another word thrown in their direction

Delphine reels as if she were slapped, blinking stunned at the strangers’ backs disappearing into the restaurant. A new image of her reality slipping into place, why had she thought she’d be exempt?

“Hey,” Cosima breathes close to her ear, “Let’s just go...okay?” 

“Okay.” She nods, letting Cosima lead her away. Is this what life with Cosima would be like? Delphine wracks her mind, had she really thought her life would be free of this? Of slurs and repulsed glances?

Cosima’s more cautious, as she leads back towards Delphine’s apartment. She cannot stop her own mind from spinning. Would this happen again? Often? Could she put up with this.

“You’re really quiet.” Cosima comments as they near the apartment, hands no longer joined.

“I’m just thinking...”  

“About being called ‘dyke’? It happens.” Cosima reaches to stroke her hair, meant as comfort no doubt, “It was just a stranger, Delphine. I don’t really care what he thinks of us.”

“I don’t want to care.” She replies, catching Cosima’s hand with her own and squeezing it gently.

“But you do?”

“This...” Delphine waves her free hand between them, “This is all so new to me. I’m not sure what to think of it.”

“Shock?” Cosima suggests helpfully.

“I think so.” She nods. Why should she care what a stranger thinks? She doesn’t... and yet...   
Cosima looks at her nervously, questioningly, “Do... do you want me to stay?”

“Yes.” Delphine knows that much, unlocking the building door and leading Cosima up the stairs. She wants Cosima with her. “I want you to hold me.”

Cosima hums happily as she follows her, and she lets it go for the moment. All of it.

 **

“Are we not having sex?” Cosima looks up at her, trapped in her arms. Most of their clothing has been shed, and yet, she feels like being close. Being gentle. Being held.

She bites her lip considering her response, “Do you want to?” Maybe it had been silly, stripping Cosima down to her underwear with no concrete intention of following through.

“Umm... yeah.” Cosima giggles, then goes solemn, “Why, do you not?”

“I do...” She moves to kiss leisurely at Cosima’s neck. She doesn’t want Cosima to think she doesn’t want her, that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

“We don’t have to...” Cosima backtracks, softly stroking at her own back, gently squeezing her, “I mean... I’m okay like this too.”

“When are you going to leave David?”

“Soon. I have an idea...”

“Why ‘soon’?” She continues kissing at Cosima’s shoulder, her temple, not wanting to stop this small bit of connection. Is it reassurance Cosima needs?

“Because he won’t talk about it with me. He brushes me off... I may have to do something drastic.”

“Drastic?” Delphine stops her subtle ministrations.

“I’m throwing a party on Sunday.” Cosima says decisively, “At my house... you want to come?”

“A party? With your husband?”

“No... well maybe. But friends. Felix will be there. Lots of people.” 

“How will throwing a party help you leave David?”

“Showing him what a pain in the ass I am will encourage him to leave, or kick me out.” 

“You cannot possibly be serious.” Delphine sighs, “Just tell him you are leaving. Don’t you want to be here months before I go to Peru? Don’t you want this settled and done?”

“Do you want me to go?”

“Yes. No...” Delphine pulls Cosima back in against her, “I love you... just... don’t leave me waiting like this.”

“You’re the one going to fucking Peru for three months.” Cosima pushes back slightly, enough to make eye contact.

“So come with me. Apply to go along as a TA. Or a research assistant.” Delphine urges, “We can work together and be together...” 

“That’s a whole lot of togetherness.” Cosima winces slightly, “What about my photography project? Real lives of AIDS sufferers?”

She pauses, “Okay, then you’ll stay here, and I will come home to you when it’s done.”

“I like the sounds of that,” Cosima groans with a smile, “You won’t be able to peel me off of you for a week.”

“Get divorced.” She repeats, pressing another kiss to Cosima’s lips.

“And when you get back, we’ll stay in bed for at least three days...” Her lover purrs at her, either pretending not to have heard or, or simply not bothering with a response.

“Hold me?” Delphine asks hopefully, Cosima’s arms coming up to enfold her within moments. It feels warm, and safe. But is it really? Will it ever be?

**

The week is so busy she barely sees Cosima, other than a few quickly stolen kisses in her office Thursday afternoon. She’s taught, and marked and managed to convince her students that even though she is young, she was going to make them work hard to succeed in their courses.

She wasn’t going to go to Cosima’s party. She’d gone home, had a shower and settled into her quiet evening routine of reading journal articles when Delphine had realized it wasn’t really where she wanted to be. Surely, Cosima wouldn’t invite her if David would be there. She must want her there for some reason. So, even though it’s nearly ten o’clock, she sets out to the party two hours late. As she approaches the house she notices the larger number of cars parked along the curb, and she can hear the music through the open windows. For a minute she is unsure if she has the right house, but it’s the same home she’s been in before. Cosima’s home, as much as she wished it weren’t.

Climbing up the stairs, she reaches for the door which swings open as two men step out, reaching into their pockets for their cigarettes. They light up without a second glance at her, far more interested in each other than in her tardy arrival.

A disco song plays loudly, groups of people dancing on the floor, and one man dancing exuberantly on a table. It becomes quickly clear, as the speakers blare Boney M’s Rasputin into the crowd, that Cosima has seemed to have succeeded in turning her house into a mini-Pride festival.

Two women make out in the corner of the dining room, oblivious to the party going on around them. Disoriented, all she can think to do is search for Cosima. How does Cosima even know this many people? Never mind this many gay and lesbian people?

A bowl of punch sits on the kitchen counter, with the slim man from the art show, happily doling it out to a few of his friends.

“Ah... and this is Delphine.” The man points at her without further fanfare. A few in the group raise their eyebrows and one snickers. Do they know? Has Cosima told them? Or is she somehow part of an older story, one from Rome years ago?

An unamused looking man stands out of the way, surveying the scene. It takes a moment to recognize him from his picture, David.

Delphine looks him over assessing. He’s not handsome, rather average in every way, she thinks as she observes carefully. He stands only a couple inches taller than herself, not tall, or exceptional at all. Nothing that makes her think him attractive, to herself or Cosima. What does Cosima see in him, other than a beard and a cover? Why are they still married? Still living together?

“It’s my house. That’s what I’m doing here.” David tells her dryly, “That was your question wasn’t it?”

“You’re Cosima’s husband.” She cannot quite think of anything left to say. Now that she’s face to face with him, it’s different. He’s a person. A living breathing person with his own life... and he must love Cosima, how could he not? And whatever this was... would it hurt him? Did she care? Surely this farce of a marriage could not continue but... had she been too stern with Cosima? Is there a gentler way to go about this?

“Yes, I’m David.” He introduces himself holding out his hand, “You don’t really look like you belong with this crowd.” She shakes it, feeling a strange necessity to be polite with this man.

What crowd is that, Delphine wonders, exuberantly gay? Must she deck herself out in rainbows or pink triangles? Wear leather and cut off her hair? Dress like a man like some of the women here?

“I’m from the university.” She responds instead, opting to divulge as little information as possible. What can she tell him? That Cosima is the love of her life? Son grand amour? Better to say nothing, allow Cosima to tell him what they are to each other. If she hasn’t already...

“Ah not one of Felix’s invitees then. Well, enjoy it. As I don’t seem able to stop it. My wife is around here somewhere.” He gestures vaguely into the crowd, “People all over the house...” He groans the final words, and makes his way to the punch bowl, rather slowly as no one seems particularly inclined to get out of his way.

She ducks away, embarrassed. His wife. The words grate on her horribly. Why had she come here? Why is Cosima still married? Why any of this?

She finds Cosima in a crowd, passing a joint around, the pungent smell filling the room. Delphine tries not to wrinkle her nose at the scent.

“Hey Delphine!” Cosima greets her happily, likely somewhat stoned and reeling from her last hit. “You made it!”

“Cosima.” She mumbles her name under her breath as Cosima hands off the joint to a woman clad almost entirely in leather and pushes through people towards her.

“I thought you were a no show... “ She grins in relief taking in her appearance.

“You didn’t tell me David would be here.” She whispers under her breath, leaning closer.

“It’s his house too.” Cosima shrugs, “I didn’t actually think he’d stay.”

‘“You’re doing all this to get rid of him?”

“Well... kinda?” Cosima shrugs, “He won’t actually talk to me about separating, so...” 

“You’ve really thrown a party.” Delphine looks around. There are at least two men in drag, one of whom is dancing on the kitchen table. A cluster of women stand around near some of the snacks, two holding hands. The more she glances around it becomes clear how very gay this party is.

 

“Welcome to January Pint-sized Pride.” Cosima jokes pleasantly, going to catch her hand, “I want to-”

She’s cut off by the start of another song, and a loud voice hollering her name, Cosima bolts towards the sound shouting back, “Felix.”   
She watches them dance, so closely, almost sensuously at times, Felix jerking his hips towards her, dancing with a laughing, delighted Cosima. She’s unable to deny her jealousy. She cannot possibly dance with Cosima here, not with David watching.

 Why are they dancing like that anyways? So close? So enthused?Delphine eyes Felix curiously, it’s obvious he’s gay. And he seems so close with Cosima, it worries her. She knows Cosima was...experimental. She knows he’s HIV positive, and it sends a jolt of panic through her. Have he and Cosima....?

When the song ends, Cosima pulls another friend into a hug, as Felix hops up on the table to join the man still dancing there, in drag no less.

She pulls away, moving towards the stairs, maybe upstairs she could clear her head. Or at least use the washroom.

She wasn’t expecting Cosima to follow her, chasing her up the stairs.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Cosima sways towards her slightly, “Is this all too much for you?”

“Please say you never got drunk and had sex with Felix.” Delphine grips her chin and nearly shudders with worry.

“Never. I promise.” Cosima shushes her, “But don’t talk about that here.”

“Okay.” Delphine nods, “I met David.” Whatever Cosima hears in her tone seems to sober her for a moment.

Cosima brings her hands to her face, “Shit... I didn’t even... I’m sorry, Delphine.”

“It’s okay. He isn’t what I expected.” She settles on finally. What could she say? That she hadn’t thought of him as a person so much as an obstacle until today.

“What did he say to you?” Cosima’s brow furrows at her, concern radiating off her. 

“Nothing really. Who he was. That it is his house. And that you are his wife. He didn’t even ask my name.” Her words are sad now, almost resigned. How much longer must this go on? Is she even willing to let this continue?

“Hey...hey... no, listen don’t get upset about that...” Cosima cups her face in her hand, pulling her to the side of the stairs, into the hallway. She can smell the alcohol on her breath, drunk and high? “It’s just like...legal shit...it doesn’t mean-”

“I have to pee.” She announces, slipping into the bathroom, quickly relieving herself. Cosima stops knocking after a couple moments, Delphine assumes that she’s gone back to rejoin the party. She washes her hands, but when she reaches for the door, Cosima pushes inside instead, closing it behind her. Hands grab for her hard, lips quickly zoning in on her own, kissing hard, then soft.

“Let me, let me have you…” Cosima’s voice is soft moan against her own mouth.

“Cosima...” She shakes her head, but her body responds differently, Cosima’s lips teasing insistently at her own. Cosima is already aroused, she can tell from the hands pawing at her though her clothes, her lips relentlessly pressing against her own, trying to work her into the same frenzied arousal.

“Yes?” Cosima asks, hands already hiking up her skirt, hot hands on her bare thighs. . How much of this is desire and how much booze? Or pot? “Oooh...kneesocks.” Cosima interrupts her own question with the exclamation and low laughter kept under her breath as she teases her.

She finds herself acquiescing to her lover’s greedy hands, “Yes!” The thought of Cosima inside of her makes her shudder, even now. Even as Cosima has her backed up against the counter. At least having Cosima like this is some sort of possession. Is that what she’s really after, or is this just intoxication and her own desperate longing. The song changes again and she

“Shh. Quiet, my love...” Cosima hushes her. It makes no sense given the volume of the music downstairs.  Is Cosima truly aware of where they are? What’s around them?

“Why here?” She breathes into Cosima lips, before the same teasing mouth nips hard at her neck, sucking firmly.  Delphine knows somewhere in the back of her mind that she should stop Cosima. But she does nothing to stop her suddenly clumsy lover from guiding her back onto the ledge of the sink.

“Why shouldn’t I want to have you here,” Cosima punctuates the sentence with quick nips to her neck and teasing fingers over dampening cotton, “I’ve missed you... And you smell so good...”

Delphine giggles despite herself, Cosima is obvious inebriated, “What else?”

“This.” Cosima murmurs, pushing the cotton barrier to the side to tease her directly, fingers slipping over increasingly slick flesh until she’s wet enough to press into. “I didn’t think you’d let me do this.”

She merely whimpers at the thrust of Cosima’s fingers, gathering moisture on them to return to stroking her. Cosima’s movements are first hard, then erratic and slow, so very different from what she’s used to. Finger still inside her and she’s wondering if Cosima might be too high. Or too ...something. She can get close, but it’s not quite enough. She cannot quite forget the party, unfortunately, every time the song changes she’s reminded.

“So good…” Cosima murmurs, “You make me so happy.”

“Are you okay?” It seems a silly question to ask with a skirt hiked up around her hips. Fingers continue to move inside her, with a distinct lack of rhythm. Quick, and then slowed as if Cosima’s become distracted by something else. It feels good, how could Cosima not after all, but it’s stoned for a lack of a better explanation.

“Yes…” Cosima muffles more laughter into her neck, humming as she moves again.

“Are you sure?”

“Hi.” Cosima giggles at her, dropping down to her knees, before pushing her mouth into her sex without preamble, with the attentions of Cosima’s mouth, even inconsistently, it manages to take her over the edge. Finally quivering under her lover’s ministrations, a clever tongue and soft thrusts inside.

“Je t’aime.” Delphine whimpers, free hand clasped in Cosima’s hair. Even drunk and high and lousy… Or at the very least, not up to her usual standard. She sags finally, most of her weight to the counter as Cosima props herself back up.

“I can’t believe you let me take you like that.” Cosima mumbles into her belly from her knees. She cannot quite believe either. It doesn’t seem quite right, not for this. Cosima sags into her, clinging tightly for a few long moments.

“Je t’aime Cosima... but this is the last time.” Delphine shakes her head, “You need to leave him. And not like this, not again, okay?” She grabs Cosima’s chin hoping to get her point across.

“You came in my mouth...” Cosima sighs, “So perfect. Does it really matter where we are?”

She’s tired, so tired of this, “Are you even listening?”  She should she even bother trying to talk to Cosima now? Maybe waiting until she sobers up is the better decision.

“Yes... I am. No more bathrooms.” Cosima removes her fingers from her sex, opting to wash her hands and face quickly. “Hey... do you want to get baked?” 

“Baked?” 

“High. Smoke marijuana.” Cosima clarifies pulling her in so she can feel the heat of her body, how aroused she still is, “It’ll be fun...”

“Haven’t you had enough?”

“Well.. for now... but... what’s wrong?” Cosima notices her concern finally, through her haze of substance abuse.

Her voice breaks against her will as she finally asks loudly, “Why are you doing any of this?” 

“Cosima!” A voice hollers from downstairs. Her lover falters, looking confused for a moment before it seems to dawn on her where she is and what is going on.

“Are you going to answer?” Delphine prompts, maybe they can take off for a while, walk a bit, cool off, try to make something of this.

“Should I?” Cosima considers a moment, drying her hands, “What is it Felix?” She shouts as Delphine hears her scramble back, taking two stairs at a time.

She stands there stunned as she watches Cosima go, she fixes her skirt, her underwear now uncomfortably wet but there’s not much to clean up. Had Cosima really just run off on her? What was wrong with her? Delphine returns to the party, somewhat shaken and more sweaty than she had intended to be, quickly making her way through to the punch bowl, she fills a cup and drinks deeply, intent on not being sober any longer.

**

“Have you seen Delphine?” Cosima sits up off the floor, after falling and remaining there, last she tried to dance. Her guests are leaving, and her buzz is fading, maybe a little too soon for her liking. She hadn’t wanted to part from Delphine at all, but getting caught together by David… Would he be able to tell from a glance? A touch? A drunken kiss? She’d done far too much already, she can tell by a hazy memory and a taste in her mouth.

“No clue...” Felix mumbles, “I think I saw her at the punch bowl again.”  “Shit.” She pulls herself to her feet, people are beginning to disperse and it’s late enough she’s unsure if Delphine is still here. She combs through the house, looking around at the few stragglers, encouraging them to leave gently.

The smell of cigarettes is strong outside the back door. It could be Delphine, maybe, if she’d started smoking again. But it was probably a long shot.

“Delphine?” She calls, stepping out onto the back porch and sitting besides the huddled figure, curly hair a mess as she takes another long drag from the glowing cigarette in her hand.

“Oui?” Delphine answers shakily between drags.

“Are you okay...?”

“Do I look okay?”

“Not really... when did you start smoking again?” She tilts her head curiously, sitting down besides Delphine.

Delphine answers on an exhale, “About an hour ago.” A few cigarette butts litter the bottom of the back stairs, it’s obvious what Delphine has been up to.

“You already reek of it.” Cosima grimaces, leaning in closer regardless.

“And you reek of pot.” Delphine responds, swaying slightly as she gets up, stubbing out her cigarette under her shoe.

“Woah, Delphine, how much have you had?” 

“You fucked me in your bathroom at a party your husband is at, with your house full of people and then you disappeared. How much do you think I’ve had, Cosima?” She can see the tears forming in Delphine’s eyes,  

“Come on, let’s get you upstairs to bed. It’s like two am.” 

“I cannot sleep here.” Delphine protests as she guides her back into the house, “But David…”

“Relax, I’m putting you in the guest room.” Cosima soothes, stroking at Delphine’s hair. She pouts at her and Cosima practically melts, she’s so adorable drunk. But then again, is it really that different now?

“Cosima...”

“No whining, I can’t just set you loose outside to find your own way home like this,” She pauses, stroking Delphine’s cheek affectionately, “I’ll even tuck you in.”

Resigned, Delphine allows her to lead her up the stairs and into the guest room which is happily clean, and unused. She’d tried to keep the guests downstairs, having declared the upper floor off-limits during the party. Least David would have somewhere to hide then.

“Here.” Cosima starts in on her blouse, unbuttoning it for her, seeing the dark red mark she’d left on her neck earlier, “Wow... I really marked you up, didn’t I?”

Delphine remains silent, permitting Cosima to strip her down to her underwear and then tuck her into the guest bed.

“It smells like you.” Delphine mumbles finally, rolling on her side to bury her face in a pillow.

She smiles in response, Yeah...” She wants to strip down, just crawl in beside Delphine but that would reveal her hand far too much. She didn’t want David peeking in, or risk him seeing anything. That’s not how she wants this to go. She wants to end it, hopefully without him even knowing about Delphine.

“I can still taste you in my mouth.” Cosima groans at her, knowing that it’s pointless, the little hum that emerges from Delphine more from sleepiness and drunkenness than desire.

She sneaks out quietly, closing the door tightly behind her before sneaking off to brush her teeth. She intends to slip quietly into bed, beside a hopefully exhausted and snoring husband. Deal with the rest of this shit in the morning. The three of them in one house, could be a total disaster if she’s not careful.

“Are they gone?” David’s voice calls blearily from behind her.

“Yeah, Felix’s just showing the last few out and then he’ll crash on the couch.” Cosima brushes him off. She’s not even sure where David was the last few hours of the party. It’s doubtful he wanted to interact much with her rowdy guests.

“Who’s in the guest room?”

“Delphine. She drank too much so I just put her in there.”

“So...you coming to bed? Finally?”

“To sleep. Yes.” Cosima nods, pausing to rinse out her mouth.

David makes a show of sniffing at her hair, her clothes, “You reek of pot.” 

“Yeah. I know. Been told.”  It’s odd, how it reminds her of Delphine saying the same thing. Though, if it had been Delphine, she’d have already showered and thrown her things in the laundry.

“Fuck... can you shower?” David begs, “I don’t want the sheets to smell like it.”

“It’s like two am...” Cosima whines back.

A stalemate, as usual.


	34. Chapter 34

She can hear them squabbling in the bathroom, hazily; she scrunches her eyes shut and rolls over into the pillow.

“No...” Cosima’s voice rings out clearly for a moment over the sound of water hitting the bottom of the tub.

David’s voice raises in response, “Why not? You’re even wet.” 

“Shut up and go to bed.” Cosima hollers back. There’s sounds of a struggle, and Delphine pulls the pillow, covering her head and her ears, not really digesting the words and muffled sounds she is hearing. He’s bathing her? She doesn’t want to hear it, doesn’t want to be able to picture it.

Ever.

She falls asleep in the soft sheets and strange walls of Cosima’s guest bedroom. It’s not surprising she does not sleep well; Delphine finds herself waking every couple of hours until after the sun is up. Unsure of her surroundings, but clearly aware of the pounding in her head. Hungover. Delphine groans and rolls over again, desperate for just a little more sleep.

**

  
Cosima’s head throbs as she wakes; David has already started loudly getting dressed in their room. Memories come back to her, hazy recollections of a rowdy party. Delphine. Delphine asleep in the guest room.

“Shh.” She hushes him rolling over, as if she can fall back into this stupid pattern all over again. Half-avoidance, half-wilful ignorance of their situation. Being his wife, as if that’s something she actually wants to be.

“Why? Hungover?”

“Yeah. A little... And you’ll wake Delphine. Stop it.” Cosima hisses at him. At least she’s remembered that much. She has to stop doing this; she’s getting too old to be unable to recall the events of the night before.

David bangs his sock drawer shut; he has selected another boring black pair for work, “Who cares? She’s hungover too. Probably dead to the world.”

She pulls herself out of bed, at least long enough to rinse out her mouth and take a long drink of water from the bathroom faucet. She looks at the time. It’s not even ten o’clock. How long could she have slept for. She spares a glance at the door of the guest room. She doesn’t hear anything, but she could probably bring Delphine water, or something. Would any of her own clothes fit? It’s not like she could let her wear something of David’s. Cosima shudders at the thought.

“So... get that out of your system with all your dykes and fags -” David cuts himself off at the sharp look that greets him as he emerges from their bedroom, “Okay, fine, homosexuals, all over my house last night?”

“Yeah. I’ll... I’ll clean up.” Cosima says quickly, “No more parties. Not like that one. Holy shit...”

“You better.” David scoffs, “I’ll be working until six.”

“On a Saturday?” Cosima cannot stop her curiosity.

“Have to. We’re not meeting our deadlines.” David pauses, fixing his tie, “Do you want to go for dinner tonight?”

“I want a divorce.” Cosima answers without a trace of humour.

He simply rolls his eyes at her and continues what he’s doing.

“David?”

“Yeah?” 

She pushes further, “Are you going to say anything?”

“Can we do this later? I don’t have time for one of your temper tantrums. About my work. Or about sex right now.”

“I am not having a temper tantrum.” Cosima insists, “I’m serious.” 

“You were wasted last night, _and_ I had to bathe you before bed, _and_ you were such a brat about it.”

“You bathed me?” Cosima balks, she doesn’t think that they’ve done anything... She couldn’t have... She remembers the shower vaguely, with the same lack of clarity with which she put Delphine to bed earlier.

“Yeah. You took a shower after much begging but you were in there for minutes doing nothing. So I jumped in with you.” David snorts, “Just bathed you though; you made sure of that.” 

“I... “ She shakes her head, “I want a divorce.” How much more clear can she be?

“Later... we’ll do this,” David stops to wave his hand between the two of them, a parody of her own gesturing, “Later.” He lets out a sigh, and rushes downstairs, presumably to leave.

“Are you taking the car today?” Cosima calls down after him.

“Why?” 

“So I can drive Delphine home.” Cosima tells him clearly, at least he could give her that today.  

“I don’t have to.” David responds, gathering his belongings noisily. He’s doing it on purpose, Cosima knows well.

She forces herself up to survey the damage downstairs. Felix is gone, a note remains on the couch in his place. And a trash bag is tied up, presumably containing most of the trash from her party.

The kitchen is still a mess, and the whole place could use a good vacuum. She resolves herself to be productive, and forces herself into the kitchen. Might as well get something done before Delphine wakes up.

**

She hears the shower turn on again, as she rolls, attempting to get back to sleep. The sun is definitely up now. Delphine groans, wondering what time it is before she buries her face in the pillow, seeking sleep once again.

A warm mouth moves along her jaw, lips coaxing her awake. Damp skin presses against her own. She arches and gasps, despite herself, permitting the attentions of her ardent lover.

“Cosima...” She blinks at her for a moment, before she is guided to sit up and offered a glass of water. Her mouth is dry and she accepts it readily, taking long sips. When she’s done Cosima wordlessly replaces the glass on the end table.

“Morning.” Cosima grins at her, stroking her hair. Why now? Why so tender now?

It takes a few minutes to catch up with her muddled brain; lips gently press against her again, teeth playing with her top lip. It’s clear now, Cosima is in bed with her, naked and damp. And she is fully awake.

“I want you.” Cosima murmurs gently.

Cosima fucking her while leaking her husband’s come onto the sheets is not exactly a fantasy.

Delphine shakes her head, “No. You were with him last night.”  

“Nope. Only slept.” Cosima volunteers, “He’s gone. It’s nearly noon and he’s gone into work... We’re alone.” She assures gently, dipping her head for another scorching kiss.

“Why now?” Delphine catches Cosima’s hands with her own, holding her at a short distance.

“Umm, because I miss you? And we’re alone and I want to have you.” Cosima leans in again, expecting a kiss.

“You already had me.” Delphine tells her shortly. Her head is pounding a little, but it can wait until later, she guesses.

“What?” Cosima seems genuinely confused. She finds herself wondering if this is some kind of act. 

Delphine sighs, more annoyed than anything, “Last night. You had me.”

Cosima seems to take this in stride, “Okay, hazy memory, I was drunk and stoned and I don’t actually remember that much of the party... What do you mean I had you? I think I remember you telling me that I did, but my house was full of people. Mostly Felix’s people...” Cosima trails off on a tangent she cannot be bothered with following right now.

She considers, it’s possible Cosima would not remember much of their encounter, “In the bathroom. You cornered me. I let you...” It’s enough information to jog Cosima’s memory in any case.

“Hmmm... Any good?” Cosima asks teasingly, she pushes forward for a kiss, but she turns so it lands against her cheek.

“Non.” She doesn’t lie, but almost wishes she did when she sees the disappointed look on Cosima’s face.

“Shit... It was really bad? I’ll make it up to you now,” Cosima promises, “Or... after we have breakfast... Or lunch I guess now...”

“Then after you ran away to talk to Felix and left me there. I didn’t see you until it was over.” Delphine shakes her head again, “You’ve always made me feel loved. Always. Until last night.”

“Shit... I’m really sorry Delphine. I’m.... I’m a lousy drunk. Especially if I smoke.” Cosima’s hands stroke her hair again, playing with her hair once again. “Are you hungry? Or, is there anything I can get you?”

What does she really want? More time with Cosima? Does she want to let Cosima make it up to her? Even here? Delphine finds herself touching Cosima’s face, gliding her fingers across soft skin. Within minutes she’s being kissed again, long soothing kisses that are trying to work her up.

“Delphine... I just can’t not...”

Delphine sighs despite herself, “You know I love you. And you know what I want.”

“And you’ll have it.” Cosima reassures her, hands brushing back curls. “I told him I wanted a divorce. It’s just taking longer than expected for him to accept it.”

“Did you really tell him you wanted a divorce?”

“Yes. This morning. After days of asking him to discuss separating with me.” Cosima shakes her head, “It’s going to be okay.” Cosima’s hands on her face capture her attention.

“Do you have anything I can take for a hangover?”

“Yeah... umm we have ibuprofen and I could like make you breakfast.” Cosima seems almost disappointed as she hops off the bed and grabs the red robe at the end of the bed.

“Yours?” Delphine asks as she puts the offered garment on. But the smell alone tells her that it’s Cosima’s.

“Yup.” Cosima nods, “So... eggs and toast? Or are you going to make me get fancy?”

“Eggs and toast will be fine.” Delphine nods, “And tea?” 

“I can manage that.” Cosima smiles, leading her downstairs, “You know, I think I might try something new today?”

“What’s that?” Delphine asks warily, unsure if she can trust this just yet.

“Being happy.”

**

She enjoys watching Delphine eat more than she wants to admit, watching her sip her tea and soak up spilled yolk with her toast. Bringing it to her mouth before taking a liberal bite of it. Cosima watches full lips close around a fork again, and she doesn’t want to stop watching even though she’s certain Delphine is going to start thinking she’s crazy.

“What?” Delphine asks after swallowing a rather large fork full of egg.

Cosima tilts her head leaning in, “You.” She cannot resist laughter, hopefully she’d manage to make up for her behaviour last night. Breakfast. Orgasms. Should be sufficient, she thinks, smiling a little wider.

“You are really trying to win me over again, aren’t you?” Delphine murmurs between bites.  
   
“Don’t worry about that,” Cosima assures, “Just eat, drink your tea, wait for the hangover to fade a bit.”

“Hmm.” She sighs happily when she’s finished breakfast, allowing Cosima to clear her plate for her, quickly washing off the yolk residue in the sink. 

“Are you feeling any better?”

Delphine sighs, taking another long swig of her tea, “A bit. My head hurts less.”

“I could... make you feel better.” Cosima suggests teasingly, pulling her reluctant lover to her feet. Too much? She wonders at Delphine’s ambiguous expression.

“Cosima..” She’s gone in for the kiss before Delphine has the chance to refuse her, kissing smoothly, tenderly, until Delphine is kissing her back, grabbing at her own body, her hips with eager hands.

She lets herself moan and feels Delphine tremble at the sound, before hauling her in tightly. It’s easy to let Delphine pull her from her kitchen, and up the stairs, back into the same guest room as before. The robe hits the floor, revealing pale skin to her touch as Delphine works her t-shirt over her head, hands undressing her evenly.

“Sometimes I wonder why,” Delphine whispers faintly as she works her undergarments down her legs, letting them fall to the floor.

“Why what?”

“Why you. Why me. Why 1979 and Rome? Why now?”

“Why care?” Cosima replies calmly, pulling Delphine back into her arms, moaning and arching as a firm hand cups her own breast, squeezing forcefully, whether in frenzy or to get her attention she cannot be sure.

“Because I have you.” Delphine moans, pinning her down in a bed that now smells of sweat and cigarettes. Excitedly she yanks Delphine back to her mouth before starting a path down her neck to her collar bones. Drawing lines with her lips between moles, intent on kissing all the way down.

“The way you feel... the way I feel when we’re together,” Cosima pauses to nibble at offered skin, “When we make love... oh god when we make love...” Cosima kisses her fiercely.

“Quoi?”

“I’m so in love with you, don’t you know that?” She wasn’t truly expecting Delphine’s response, flipping her over to begin grinding wetly against her. She feels her own sex clench and throb at the feeling, at each one of Delphine’s little sounds.

“Uhh.” She watches Delphine bite her lip at the sensitivity she finds, before continuing.

“You’re so easy.” She laughs at Delphine’s energetic grinding; she can feel her, swollen and dripping, against her bare skin.

“Easy?” Delphine slows, pouting.

“I know I can get you off like this, but,” Cosima quickly flips them again, “I want more.”  
She pushes herself between Delphine’s legs, untangling them from behind her when they wrap around her without warning.

“What are you doing?” Delphine asks, as Cosima pulls herself up on her knees, spreading Delphine’s knees wide.

“This.” She pushes down and forward to bring her own sex into contact with Delphine’s hotly dripping core. It’s not enough by any stretch of the imagination, but the look on Delphine’s face, the way her eyes close as she tries to frantically pull them into more direct contact, needing more pressure.

“Oh...”

“Yeah... I thought you’d like that.” Cosima teases from above her, rolling her hips again, enjoying the warmth of Delphine, the sweet slide of them together.

She pulls away suddenly, provoking a needy whimper from Delphine, “It’s okay,” she reassures, dropping herself lower towards the intoxicating smell of Delphine’s arousal, burying her face in slick folds as she laps at her. One hand holding her thigh steady so she can devour her lover with lips and tongue.

“Cosima...” The arch of her back, the jerk of her hips, thighs clamping around her head. There’s no doubt that the française is close, so close. And so is she, Cosima rolls her own hips in response.

Sweet cries nearly send her over the edge as well, instead she works a hand between her hips and the mattress, determined to bring them both to climax near simultaneously. It won’t be long now, she can read her well.

The tension releases in Delphine’s body as she redoubles the efforts of her hand, circling roughly until she’s crying out, muffled by warm flesh.

Hoarse cries from her beloved draw her from between Delphine’s thighs and into her arms, letting herself be held, and needed. Cosima swallows down her nervousness, reminding herself she is safe with Delphine. After all this time, how could she not be?

**

She finally gets to shower, Cosima shampooing her hair interspersed with wandering hands and promises of love, of devotion.

“Pour toujours.” She prompts, as Cosima holds her under the steady warm spray of the shower, rinsing away the sweat and grime and smoke from her body.

“Mmmhmm.” Cosima agrees nonverbally, kissing her again.

“Quand je suis agée et mes cheveux sont tous gris...” Delphine plays, unable to stop the shifting of her words from English to French and back again.

“Yup. No matter what.” Cosima smiles happily, “Old. Grey-haired. Saggy-breasted...Oww.” Cosima winces at a slight slap to the forearm.

“That is not romantic.”

“No... but aging... inevitable,” Cosima gestures out the rest of her sentence silently as she turns off the hot water.

She’s not really interested in discussing the intricacies of the aging process right now, Delphine knows that much. “I’m clean enough now.” She announces, climbing out of the shower to wrap a large fluffy red towel around herself.

“Okay...so change the sheets and back to bed?” Cosima suggests playfully, following her lead, toweling quickly at her hair..

“Why, so we can dirty them again?” The shower had done more to stoke her desire again than she’d expected. Why was it always like this? Is it that they hadn’t had enough time together to grow bored of it? To let the desire wane into something else?

Cosima lets her chase her from the bathroom, nearly falling in the hallway in fits of laughter, as soon as she’s entered the guest room again; she throws Cosima on the messily made bed.

“Hey... I thought we were going to change those.”

“You’ll just get them all messy again anyways.” Delphine reminds her with a heated kiss, she desperately wants her, working her way down Cosima’s body to give her what she knows she wants. And, a reminder to the petite woman where she belongs.

“Me? You’re the one who...ohh!” Cosima abandons teasing for loud moans as she nips at her skin, grazing her breasts with teeth before soothing the quick pain with her tongue, her lips.

“Mmm you taste good.” Delphine mutters into flushed skin as she makes her way down, weight on her knees, ass up in the air.

“Uh... oh...” Cosima thrashes slightly as her lips make contact with her centre, “Delphine...”   
She’s still sensitive from her previous orgasm, Delphine realizes, it won’t take long. She resolves to tease, nipping at her thighs, allowing her tongue to toy with Cosima’s clit before moving away again, pressing inside and groaning at the taste, at the feel of her.

“Don’t tease...” Cosima begs, “Please just...”

“Hmmm?” She hums, lips closing around her, sliding a hand up from Cosima’s hip to her breast, playing with a nipple with her thumb, enjoying the reaction it brings her. The words and sounds and taste of Cosima on the edge, is enough to have heat pooling between her own thighs again, already primed for another round with her beloved.

“I love you.... I love you...” Cosima sobs, hands gripping her hair tightly.  
 She hums in response again, flicking her tongue playfully, making her lover’s hips jerk. She loves Cosima’s sounds, the noises she makes as her lover’s body tightens under her mouth. She looks up her body to see her head tilted back, eyes probably shut as she writhes under her teasing tongue.

“Ah...ah... ah...”

She’s moaning with her now, breath catching with every flick of her tongue as it works the swollen bud in her mouth, under her mouth.

“Delphine... Delphine...” Cosima’s voice a mere whisper before she breaks, a strangled cry catching in her throat as she shakes under her, aftershocks and a rapid pulse easily felt.

She sighs contently, circling her tongue once more, making Cosima squeak and giggle, opening her eyes and screaming.   The sound shocks her away from her haven between her lover’s thighs. She turns to see the last face she’d wanted to see, mouth and chin still covered in Cosima’s arousal, in the proof of their passion, she lets out her own shriek, arms moving to cover herself.

**

“David, get out!” Cosima yells hoarsely, looking in horror from Delphine to her husband.

Delphine nearly bolts, instead she manages to catch her, covering her quickly with the comforter as she hears her curse under her breath, hissed words in a language Cosima has never been proficient at speaking. She holds a now crying Delphine still, looking at David. Enraged, she’s not even sure what to say, how long had he stood there? With her eyes shut... could she be sure? How much had he heard?

“What?” David shrugs, “This is my house.”

“Get out!” Cosima hollers, clinging to Delphine, “Stop it David, leave! You’re scaring her.” Scaring both of us, Cosima acknowledges to herself. Delphine had been completely exposed. Shit. At least he hadn’t tried to touch her, Cosima seethes; if he had she’d have to calm the urge to break the offending fingers. 

He backs up enough until he’s hovering just outside of the door, “Well if you didn’t want me to watch, why did you do it in the house?”

“Cosima, what is... did you plan this?” Delphine manages between sobs, looking at her, eyes wide and hurt.

“No... No of course not.” Cosima’s voice is frantic, she tries comfort with her hands, with her voice, “He wasn’t supposed to come home until six pm.”

“It’s my house.” David reiterates, “Did you really think I wasn’t on to you? I asked who your new lover was and you said you didn’t have one. I’m smarter than that. I knew there was someone. Though, I wasn’t sure you’d let her get drunk and stay over here.”

“I need to go.” Delphine finds words again, face pressed against her own chest, “I need to go.”

“Okay, okay.” Cosima breathes, trying to see a way through the panic that wouldn’t lead to Delphine never speaking to her again. She glares at David.

“What?”

 “Go downstairs and at least let Delphine get dressed.”

“I saw...” He starts, but she’s not about to let him finish the sentence.  

“David.” She has a harder time controlling her anger now, but he leaves, she hears him trample down the stairs before turning on music in the living room.

She’s never seen Delphine dress so quickly, locating her clothes, refusing offers of any loans, before rushing out the door. Would she ever see her again? Would Delphine even want to talk about this?

**

“I’ve never seen you like that.” David says finally, sitting down on the couch across from her. He’s listening to A Whiter Shade of Pale, again, which is never a good sign.

“Like what?”

“Like that!” David raises his voice, “The sounds you made, you told her you loved her... I mean that was weird enough, but you didn’t give a shit about me when I walked in and she freaks out. You chased her.”

“Well... I don’t really care about sparing your feelings,” Cosima explains miserably, “I think I’ve lost her now.”

David shrugs, “Might be for the best. I mean she didn’t know about our arrangement. She does now.” They hadn’t all known, her previous affairs, but she hadn’t made a huge effort to hide David from them either.

“No.. it’s not.” Cosima shakes her head, “I want out. I’m done... okay? I can’t take anymore of this.”

“Is that why you threatened therapy?” David asks softly.

“Yup. I knew after your ex-wife you’d never go again.”

“Well...” David says finally with a sigh, “I want to go.” 

“I’m still going to want out, David...” Cosima shakes her head, unsure of whether to reach for his hand or let him settle on his own.

“Maybe.”

“Definitely.” Cosima swallows thickly, “But, if you want? I’ll go. We can do this separation thing by the book. Talk it to death. Whatever.”

“Do we have to?” 

“Yeah. We have to.” Cosima sighs, “I’ll move my shit into the guest room for now, and I’ll start looking for a place to live.”

“Isn’t it kind of early for that?” His voice is laced with regret, he’s literally choking up, Cosima realizes quickly. 

“No...” She shakes her head again, “You know? I haven’t lived alone since 1979.. it’s been girlfriend after girlfriend, or crashing with friends, or with you...”

“So?”

“I think it’s time to be alone... god I hate being alone.” Cosima sniffs, tearing up despite herself.

“So don’t be.” David offers, reaching towards her, but she shakes her head at him silently, standing up and leaving the room. It was enough for now.

**

  
 “Hey. Can we talk?” She waits near the door of Delphine’s office, unsure if her advances would be accepted.

“We can.”

“So... I need to tell you something about David?”

Delphine asks impatiently, “Did you know he was going to come home?”

“No,” Cosima shakes her head, gesturing wildly, “Absolutely not... but it’s sort of his thing to watch me with other people. But I wasn’t going to let him. Not with you. I would never do that.”

“What?”

“Do you know what a cuckold fetish is?” Cosima asks nervously, lips twitching into an uncertain smile.

Delphine’s brow furrows as she thinks, but Cosima cannot tell if it’s frustration or attempting to translate the word in her head.

“Non,” Delphine shakes her head, “I... I don’t think I do.”

“David’s arousal centres on being cheated on. The humiliation. Watching. All of it. It’s really the only thing that does it for him. It’s why I didn’t want to tell him about you.”

“You cheated on him because he wanted you to?” 

“Well... honestly? I wouldn’t have married him if I couldn’t be with women. And ... I knew from the beginning, not like his ex-wife - total disaster there. It was even kind of interesting, the whole fetish-having thing, in the beginning... But it got old. Really fast.”

Delphine is obviously distressed by this news, “You chose to be with a man who wanted to watch you have sex with other people?” She hisses at her, still courteous enough to keep her voice down.

Cosima squirms uncomfortably, “Well... it sounds really bad when you put it that way. Sex was a small part of the arrangement. I mean, David and I discussed it beforehand. It was more social acceptability, kind of like a cover for both of us. His ex-wife did not do his reputation any favours... so when he married me...” She lets herself trail off, watching Delphine for signs of disgust or regret.

“How many?”

“What?” She’s shaking her head, she certainly doesn’t want to tell her that. If that’s even what she’s asking for.  

“How many affairs? How many people did he watch you with? Why... why?” Delphine’s shaking her head, standing up, her work temporarily forgotten.

“Umm... like twelve?” Cosima guesses, she’s unsure of the exact number. Three men, nine women. But it’s fuzzy somehow. “He... he didn’t watch me with all of them. It was even the idea. And I - I never told him about you. Because you’re ... I didn’t want to share you like that. It’s not for him. You... you were what I wanted. Okay?”

“We need...” Delphine trails off in frustration, letting her eyes close, “I think you need some time... And so do I. We... we can try again, when I get back from Peru.” She offers this as what? A consolation? Does she even really mean it?

“Are you set for teaching again?”

“Just part time, and artifact processing after the dig. A few weeks in the lab.” Delphine answers honestly. No promises, no guarantees. But then again, what kind of guarantees could they have?   

“I don’t... I don’t want to wait to be with you.”

“You’ll have to.” Delphine sighs, closing whatever she’s working on and reaching for another book on a shelf.

“What am I supposed to do?”

“End your marriage. If you want to, that’s your choice. Find... find something to do with the time?” Delphine suggests finally, but she’s reaching.

“And you’ll be back?” Cosima looks at her hopefully. The real question goes unasked. You’ll wait for me? She hopes but doesn’t speak the words. 

“Yes. I’ll be back end of July. Same apartment - I’m not subletting, don’t worry.”

“Okay.” She nods sadly, backing out of the room. “If it’s space you need, take it.”


	35. Chapter 35

_February 1986_

She keeps her promise, she leaves Delphine alone. She sees her in the corridors, or the labs, but makes no real attempt to engage with her that goes beyond polite conversation or academics.

Truth is, she knows Delphine wouldn’t let her. Her fantasies and dreams fixate on Delphine. Having Delphine. Talking to Delphine.

“Cosima, pay attention!” Dr. Barnes shakes her head of greying hair, “Where are you these days?”

“Sorry.” She apologizes immediately.

“Don’t apologize. Fix it. Your dissertation has stalled. You haven’t done any work. Are you planning additional fieldwork? I do have to say I really liked your chapter on biases and the archeological record but your dissertation is no good to me incomplete. Or to you. Do you really expect to defend in the new year? You have to show me.”

“Right. Right. I’m still thinking.”

“We have a few summer/spring digs, are you going to sign onto one?”

“Umm I’m sorry I’ve been so distracted lately,” Cosima tries a blanket apology again, before realizing it’s not working. “I’m in the process of getting divorced and it’s kind of -”

Dr. Barnes sighs, trying to temper her impatience, “I’m sorry to hear that. Are you asking to take another break?” 

“Not really?” Cosima sighs, waving her hands dismissively, “We’re in therapy, but it’s ending and I don’t need time off. I need to get this thing done.” 

“I like your dissertation too much to abandon it.” Dr. Barnes tells her clearly, “I don’t want to see it abandoned, if you need a break - a semester off, please take the summer one. I need this stack of papers graded for Monday. And you are teaching for two weeks in March, I’m going to be away. Please consult the syllabus - but if you go off-book one week? Fine by me.”

“Okay, yeah, totally.” Cosima nods, lecturing, she can handle lecturing. Maybe she’d use Delphine’s trick of making them question assumptions

“When can I expect another chapter?” Dr. Barnes asks pointedly.

“Soon?” Cosima responds hopefully, “Give me two weeks?”

Dr. Barnes sighs, rubbing her temples, “Get it done before I retire.”

“I will. I want to do this. I swear I do.” Cosima promises vehemently. She needs to pull up her socks here and get this done, Delphine or no Delphine, her future in academia hinges on this dissertation.

**

“Okay, well...” The therapist clasps his hands leaning back in his chair. There’s no desk between them, three comfortable chairs sit in the middle of the room surrounding a coffee table. Shelves around them are filled with books. David had permitted her to select the therapist, she’d chosen one of the more liberal ones she’d been able to find. All in hopes of avoiding more drama.

“Dr. -” David begins before he’s cut off by their patient, soft-spoken therapist.

“Call me Mark.” Their counselor reasserts himself, “So what I’m getting here is we prepare for a divorce.” 

“Yes.” Cosima nods at the same time David shakes his head no silently.

“David, Cosima has told us three times in the last fifteen minutes that she is a lesbian.” Mark tilts his head, rearranging his hands on his lap.

“It’s not, I don’t ...” David trails off miserably, he’s accepted it. Cosima knows, but it’s not going to be an easy road from here.

“I think the reasoning is quite clear here.” Mark looks from her to David and back again.

“Are you biased towards divorce?”

Mark balks, “Why? Because I told you up front that I have been divorced and remarried?” 

“So have I.” David tells him impatiently.

“David, this isn’t about Kathleen.” Cosima shakes her head, “This is about...” She pauses searching desperately for a phrase, arms waving wildly as if that will help her to find it.

“What?”

“Totally incurable incompatibility.” Cosima responds finally.

“You’d be surprised how often I have a couple in here, and one of them is homosexual.” Mark shrugs, “It’s the ultimate no fault divorce, if you let it be.”

“David knew I was a lesbian from the beginning.” Cosima insists.

“And this marriage happened because?” Mark asks, looking between them casually.

“Cosima!” David looks at her in panic.

“We were friends. I really do care for him. Easier for work. I have an insatiably curious mind and David has a cuckold fetish.” Cosima responds simply, no longer caring to save face for him in front of Mark.

Mark simply nods calmly, “Why don’t you both tell me more about that.”

 **

“Hey Felix.” She drops her bag casually by the door, she’s not living here, but it’s somewhere to go where there’s no pressure. A large hovering fear of death was easier that being at home. David would barely speak to her, except quickly in passing.

“Hi.” Felix responds, he’s painting, naked in an apron splattered with paint again. An odd habit of his that he’d never stopped, painting in the nude.

“Ah, method work?” Cosima makes a point of averting her eyes somewhat as he turns. That’s something she does not need to see.

Felix shakes his head, “No... actually I’m branching out. Experimenting with painting the female form.”  

“Very different for you. Sarah modeling?”

“Hahahah. Nope.” Felix laughs, moving towards his room to dress himself, “Would you?”

“Umm yeah I guess.”

“And your... Delphine?” Felix suggests, somewhat reluctantly.

“You want Delphine to model for you?” Cosima reiterates carefully.

“Well... you can’t deny that she’s physically...” He lets himself trail off, not willing to actually say it. 

“Yeah I know. Trust me. God do I ever know.” Cosima lets out a giggle for the first time all week, “She’s not talking to me right now, so... not going to happen.”

 

“How’s the divorce coming along?” Felix asks flippantly, “Nearly done yet?”

“Well... it’s like a separation right now. I’m renting a room in Berkeley as of March, best I can manage on short notice.” 

“Where are you going to put all your stuff?”

“I’m not. David is keeping the house, although legally I think he has to buy me out. 50/50...” Cosima twirls her fingers absently, that money will help her certainly, “But I’m not asking for alimony or anything.”

“But you could.” Felix points out, “I mean... extra money showing up every month.”  

“And we don’t even need to get into everything you’ve done for money.” Cosima reminds him.

“So?”

“So I don’t want to be tied to David or his money for the rest of his life. Legally, I have to let him buy me out of the house.” Cosima shrugs. “Some like legal shit ‘primary dwelling’ it’s not optional.”

“Well how much is that worth? Enough for a downpayment?” Felix quickly pulls on a pair of pants, working his arms through the sleeves of a shirt.

“I...I don’t know actually. But I don’t have a job, so no mortgage. Not happening.” She waves it off, so far outside of anything she’s considering.

“What if we rent a house?” 

“What?”

“You, me, Sarah, Kira... just until...”

“Until what? Until you croak? You aren’t even sick yet.” She is becoming exasperated with his doomsday tactics, as sympathetic as she’s tried to be. As scared for him as she is. She doesn’t want to limit herself by trapping herself into a lease with Felix anyways.

“Well... I love this apartment, but with Kira and Sarah here permanently,” Felix shrugs, “Might be nice to get a place where they can have their own room. Or rooms.”

“What is Sarah doing for work these days anyway?”

“Part-time, record store.” Felix laughs, “She says the pay is shit, but she meets a lot of interesting people.” 

“I can’t believe she’s actually working.” 

“Instead of conning men out of money, chasing around bands, or dragging Kira cross-country? Neither could I. But we know why.” Felix grimaces, “Kira has kindergarten, and I have AIDS.”

“My therapist thinks I have intimacy issues.”

“Who doesn’t? Is that even a real thing? Sounds phoney.” Felix slouches onto his couch, “Do you want to go with me to pick up Kira? Sarah’s working til six.”

“Umm maybe not today.”

“Why? What’s better than picking up Kira with me?”

Cosima considers carefully, “I think I have to do something drastic.”

“Oh god no… not another perm.” Felix groans, throwing his hands in the air.

“No.. not a perm.” Cosima cannot stop herself from chuckling at her friend’s confusion.

“What is it now?”

“I need to go.” It’s obvious once she thinks about it. There’s only one thing left to do.

“Okay... like now?”

“Not...exactly?” Cosima smiles, an image coming so clearly to her mind.

 **

_May 1986_

Delphine wakes up in her cabin, blinking at the early sunlight, the chirping and sounds of unfamiliar birds. A dig without tents, it wouldn’t be her first, but she hoped she didn’t get too accustomed to the relative comfort of staying in the village and riding out in trucks to the dig site.

“Dr. Cormier?” A quiet voice calls through the door.

“Yes, Kate?”

“Umm there’s a late arrival, says she’s here to see you.”

“Whose TA is she?”

“Dr. Barne’s but Dr. Hamilton has borrowed her for the dig.”

She knows before she even dresses that it’s Cosima. She doesn’t remember seeing Cosima’s name on the list of faculty, but of course as PhD candidate she’s not really faculty at all. By the time she gets outside, Cosima is waiting for her, her large backpack leaned against the stairs of her cabin.

“What are you doing here?” Her arms are crossed, defensive, but she knows that as soon as she sees that grin again, those wildly gesturing hands, that her resolve will falter.

“I signed on for the dig. Before March, one last bit of field research for my dissertation.”

“You’re writing your dissertation on the forgotten women in the archeological record.”

“I’m sorry,” Cosima sasses her, “Were there no women in Peru?”

“Brat.” She mumbles under her breath. Cosima hasn’t really changed, and neither has she.

“Yeah, can we talk privately, just for a minute?” Cosima looks around, it’s not busy yet, today is just mapping, introductory business, but it’s true that they cannot have this conversation openly.

“Yes.” She ducks into her cabin, leaving Cosima to follow.

“Ooh.. how’d you score this to yourself?” Cosima looks around the one room cabin, two bunkbeds to the side, the little kitchenette, the wooden table.

“Can’t room with students, all the other profs are paired off.” Delphine shrugs, “So...what is really going on?”

“So I went to couples’ therapy.” Cosima says finally, once the door is firmly shut. Though, from previous experience being alone like this is risky behaviour. She resolves to keep a full metre distance between the two of them.

“And how did that go?” Delphine cannot resist from asking cooly, crossing her arms. Not well she knows, with Cosima standing in front of her. Or perhaps, very well, if separation was the end goal. She isn’t sure though, what Cosima has done in her absence. If by taking this break, she pushed her away forever.

“Very well actually,” Cosima grins, “I’m a lesbian. I like women. I like women’s bodies. I like sex with women. Men are like... kinda hot... but no. Oh and I’m getting divorced.”

Delphine uncrosses her arms, but makes no attempt to stand closer, not yet willing to close the distance between them.“So why are you here? Peru is a long way to go to tell me that.” She’s still hurt, she cannot deny that, but a part of her is so happy to see Cosima here. Could she really do this again? Could they? Cosima had come all this way, and she doesn’t need this dig. It’s at best an add-on to her academic career, useful, but not essential.

“I like women,” Cosima pauses, “But I love you, Delphine.”

It’s true then, Cosima is here for her. Her resolve crumbles, she gathers Cosima into her arms without another word, but after a quick squeeze and a kiss to the forehead she loosens her arms.

“Je t’aime aussi.” She reassures her, pressing their lips lightly together once, pulling back before Cosima can deepen the kiss. Not here, not now. Surely, they can both wait just a little longer for that. It’s not the most important thing, at least it shouldn’t be.

“I wish…. I wish I’d been better for you.” Cosima admits, “I wish things had been easier. I should have done this in ‘79.”

“What? You mean refused to leave Paris?” She cannot deny amusement at the thought.

“You were crying and I didn’t want to go but I didn’t have a choice. I mean, not an easy one anyways. What could I have done?”

“You could have told me.” Delphine offers, voice breaking. She remembers that particular trauma all too well. Finding Cosima, only to have her leave her life far too soon. At least it hadn’t been permanent, though her younger self hadn’t known that.

“Even though it wasn’t possible? I mean, I couldn’t do what Jamie and Luca did, could I?” Cosima’s voice breaks slightly alongside her own. She’s not alone in this at all, Delphine knows this now. It’s the two of them.

“Jamie and Luca?” Delphine still remembers that night, when Karen had had to crash in with them. Remembers the other romance burgeoning, much more openly, alongside their own. “What do they have to do with this?”

Cosima laughs, tears in her eyes, “They’re married. They got married less than a year after the dig.”

“Really?”  How strange to have such different fates, when their beginnings had been so similar. And she and Cosima had more in common, she was sure of it, even not knowing Luca.

“Yeah. They live in Torino. Jamie works at the Egyptology museum there. They have a little boy, Matteo. He’s like 3 or 4 now.”

“Really?” She finds herself stunned, that these people from her past have built a life together in the last seven years.

“Yeah. Because they could get married, right? So Luca sponsored her for citizenship, or permanent residency, I’m not even sure which anymore. And she moved to Italy like a lovesick idiot.”

“But it worked out.”  Delphine smiles, “They have a life together, a son.” Perhaps her romantic side wasn’t entirely wrong, the feelings that pull you so strongly to act may have some purpose. Some cosmic goal. She giggles at the thought, but chooses not to share it with Cosima.

“There was no guarantee of that. Could have been a total disaster.”

“It could have been.” Delphine admits readily, “But it hasn’t been, at least as far as you know of Jamie and Luca.”

“And either way? I couldn’t do that for you. There was no way to get you citizenship, or have you get me French citizenship. Nothing... I couldn’t do it. Born with the wrong parts to be useful to you there.”

“Non, you were born with exactly the right parts.” Delphine corrects soothingly, “I wouldn’t change you, not at all.” 

“Would you have, if we could have?”

She hesitates, remembering all too well her 21 year old self, “Yes.”

“Me too.” Cosima nods her agreement, “At least… I would now.”

“Maybe,” She grips Cosima’s hand tightly in her own, “It’s now that is the important part?”

“I am getting divorced. Total free agent once it comes through. And I’m renting a room near Berkeley until it’s all settled. No alimony. Just… I have to go through the process, right? Legal shit.” Cosima explains apologetically.

“Good.” She smiles, unable to prevent tears from forming in her eyes, the delight of seeing Cosima. And hope, hope for the future.

“Can we try again?” Cosima looks at her pleadingly, as if she hasn’t already melted for her enough.

“Yes... “ Delphine nods happily, “But… the dig has to come first, okay? It’s not safe here to be what we are.”

“We?” Cosima looks at her appraisingly at the term.

She can’t help but smile, “Yes, mon amour, we.”

Before they have a chance to say anything else they’re interrupted by a knock on the door, “Dr. Cormier we’re going to leave for the site shortly. Dr. Hamilton told me to tell you to just let Cosima ditch her stuff at your cabin. We’ll sort it out later.”

“We’re coming, Kevin.” Delphine responds, “Just let Cosima put her stuff inside.”

“I just arrived,” Cosima whines, but Delphine can tell she’s teasing, “I’m still jetlagged.”

“Come on… Miss Niehaus. You don’t want to miss this.”

Cosima tilts her head but opens the door to drag her pack inside before following Delphine out into the sun. “Actually, mapping is always my least favourite part.”

“You will make a very lazy archeologist.” Delphine teases back, squeezing her hand quickly, “Don’t forget a day pack, you’ll need water, we have to carry everything in. We can only take the trucks so far.”

“Ooh… just what I always wanted, a woman to boss me around.” Cosima jokes.

“Get your stuff together.”

“It’s been waiting thousands of years,” Cosima argues, “It can wait until I get my stuff ready.”

“Ah, Cosima, good that you could join us.” Dr. Hamilton calls up, his voice carrying well, “Are you ready to join us?”

“Sure thing. Just let me get a day pack together.”

“I'll start packing the trucks.” Delphine offers moving over to her smallish group of students.

The rest, Delphine reasoned, could wait until later. Both she and Cosima were here, everything else would come in time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much thanks to my beta reader, Twig-height! (And occasionally Cophinaphile).
> 
> Author's note: This was the original ending to this story. There is one more chapter (and an epilogue) to follow.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank Twig-height for being my beta-reader (and continuing despite the insane length of this fanfiction). Also cophinaphile, who weighed in on a few chapters of this monster-fic. 
> 
> And to you, the readers who stuck with me through 100k words of cophine fanfiction. 
> 
> Epilogue to follow.

_July 1986_

“I didn’t really want to leave Peru.” Delphine admits quietly, on the cab ride back to her apartment.

“You have to be kidding me.” Cosima shakes her head laughing in response. She’d loved it too. Inca culture had been interesting, and watching Scott geek out over the pottery had proved many hours of entertainment. Especially mocking him afterwards. Delphine had geeked out more for the burials, it had been interesting to see her love like that. Totally enthralled by what she was doing. Passionate. Dedicated. Meticulous. Though, even Delphine had shown some discomfort with the knowledge that the people they were studying, who had created so many beautiful things had engaged in human sacrifice.

“What? Eight weeks of sexual frustration too much for you?” Delphine teases under her breath. It’s true, there wasn’t enough privacy to resume their sexual relationship on dig.

“Shh.” Cosima hushes her, eyes looking towards the cab driver who seems to be paying them no mind, but she certainly doesn’t want to get them left on the side of the road. She’d been able to kiss Delphine and hold her, in their few private moments. More than that had eluded her for far too long. The exhaustion had helped, somewhat. But not nearly enough.

She remembers watching Delphine scrub the dirt from her hands at their tiny sink, standing in only her underwear in an attempt to cool down. She’d approached from behind, kissing the back of her love’s sweaty neck, creeping her hands around her. Delphine had moaned first, a sigh at the contact of their skin, at Cosima’s hips pressed against her. But she’d turned her away. Late at night in her tiny bunk she could hear Delphine breathing underneath her, unsteady enough that she knew they were both awake. Her whispered suggestions of fornication had met with frustrated silence. Even self-stimulation met with an icy glare in her direction.

“We’re almost there.” Delphine speaks up now, “It’s the walk-up ahead on the left.”

The driver pulls over to the curb, as Delphine reaches forward with a wad of cash as payment.

“You want change?” The driver glances back towards them..

“Nope. That’s good.” Cosima interrupts not bothering to respond to Delphine’s irritated expression, “Have a nice day.” She urges Delphine out of the cab, before opening the truck to grab her back, and then Delphine’s, nearly throwing it at her. She needs to get Delphine out of this cab and up into her apartment, pronto.

“You girls need help with your luggage?” The driver offered kindly, probably due to his rather large tip.

“No. All good. We’re strong archeologists. We can handle it.” Cosima brushes off the driver as kindly as she can, trying to get Delphine up the stairs, and into her apartment, alone. She’s admittedly jetlagged, but the excitement over having Delphine outweighs it, for now.

Once inside the building she looks over at Delphine, letting her eyes drop, “I want you. Now.”

“I need a shower.” Delphine giggles opening the door, “I smell like plane, and sweat, and airport.”

She stretches before picking up her oversized pack, “Yeah, the delay was a pain with the layover.”

“Ready to wrestle these packs upstairs?” Delphine offers, holding the door.

“You bet.”

Once inside, she begins throwing off her clothes. Packs left on the floor of the living room, barely kicked out of the way.

“Cosima!” Delphine chides her, “I haven’t shaved in weeks… let me at least shower.”

“Mmm no. Shaving takes too much time.” Cosima argues, “Just shower… with me.”

She beats Delphine to the shower, cranking up the hot water and quickly soaping her body, doesn’t want to waste a single moment more than they have to.

Delphine’s hand yanks open the curtain, “You know, there’s no rush.” It’s exactly what Delphine had told her every single time she suggested they risk it and have sex on site anyways. A few frustrating make out sessions had gone nowhere, even spooning in with Delphine in her too small bunk hadn’t led to getting her brains fucked out. Objectively she understood, they both did, Delphine’s career could be ruined if they had. She’d had to turn the Française away herself a few horribly frustrating times over the last two months.

With Delphine kissing her hard, hands reaching under her shirt, unfastening as quickly as she was capable. Her own head had been swimming, she hadn’t wanted to stop her, would never want to stop her. But sounds from outside the cabin reminded her how thin the walls were. That she could hear whispered conversations of the students the next cabin over, hear anyone walking outside. It had been too risky, and she’d had to stop her, apologizing and reassuring with gentle kisses placed to her forehead. Delphine had clung to her, half undressed, for the better part of twenty minutes instead, in silence.

“Yeah? Then why are you naked?” She teases delightedly, stepping back, permitting Delphine to enter after her, her already soapy hands quickly washing Delphine. She’s not even being sexy about it, just washing off the sweat. She’d been able to kiss Delphine every day, hold her every day, but this sort of simple intimacy had been impossible.

“Having fun?” Delphine offers with a snort, as the same quick movements move to soap lower.

“Yup.” Cosima grins, “Come here.” Delphine leans in for a kiss but instead she switches their positions, rinsing her off rapidly.

“Brat.” Delphine pouts and laughs under the spray of the shower.

“But you love me.”

“Yes. Je t’aime.” Delphine manages to pull her in for a kiss, one hand reaching lower, intent made very clear.

She shakes her head, “Not here…” The idea in her mind requires more space to spread out.

“Then where?”

“The bed…” Cosima insists, “I’m actually kind of tired… let’s be comfortable.”

“Okay,” Delphine agrees, “But let’s hurry up and get there before we change our minds and pass out.”

“Right.’ Cosima laughs, quickly drying off, and moving to Delphine’s bedroom. It’s exactly the same as she remembers it. She flops back on the bed, wiggling back towards the headboard. She watches Delphine regard her in amusement, completely naked towelling her hair in the doorway. She’d seen Delphine in various states of undress during the dig, never for any lengthy amount of time. It hadn’t been enough. But now, she just stood in front of her. Letting her look.

“So what you really want is to lay back and have me do all the work?” Delphine teases, climbing on top of her, before she’s really even dry, wet curls still dripping water down her shoulders, water droplets still present on pale skin. She watches them slide down Delphine’s breasts.

“Umm.. kind of ?” She grins in response, propping herself up enough to tug briefly at a nipple with her mouth. Cosima wasn’t expecting hands pushing her away only to firmly push her back down on the mattress.

“At least kiss me first…” Delphine manages between fits of laughter. But it’s Delphine that closes the distance between their lips, and for the first time in months she’s allowed to kiss harder, to press further. Her hands roam freely, relearning Delphine’s body, but it all feels the same. So much the same. The sounds. The smell. The taste of her.

A hand slides up her leg, strong fingers sliding and pleasuring, pushing deeper, until the kiss is unexpectedly broken.

“What is it?” Cosima wonders aloud in response to Delphine’s fingers stilling inside her.

“I want you, inside me, now.” Delphine pulls her hand down between them, and Cosima smiles.

“Yeah?” She teases instead, as long as her love will permit her to before pressing in, enjoying the sweet little noise Delphine makes. She cannot even mind the distraction of this mutual pleasuring, it feels so perfect. So right.

“Oui.” Delphine breathes her response, rolling her hips down in sync with her hand, “Exactly like this.”

She cannot help smiling in response, following Delphine’s movements, leaning up to kiss her. “I missed you...oh god I missed you.” Her feelings spill out easily here, this is safe, this is theirs.

“Je t’aime.” Delphine assures her, kissing her nose, even as their rhythms falter, as they try to keep pace.

“I love you too… you know that.” Cosima breathes, trying to refocus her efforts, ignoring the increasing tension in her own sex, now gripping tightly to Delphine’s fingers. She wants Delphine’s pleasure first. Delphine’s orgasm.

“On va s’aimer pour la vie.” Delphine murmurs back in return, “Je serai ton amoureuse, ta seule amoureuse.”

“Yes…” She’s unsure exactly what Delphine is saying, but the gist seems good. Loving for life. Lovers. Finally content Delphine is close enough, she lets go, coming under her beloved’s hand, around her fingers.

“Oh…oh...” Delphine moans, laying increasingly frenzied kisses on her forehead, her cheeks, before tensing around her with her own little cry.

“Perfect.” Cosima mutters softly, at the feeling, the rush of it all. And it still is, even once her fingers have been gently pulled from Delphine’s warm flesh, wrapping around her back as she lays on her. She lets the jetlag set back in, her fatigue hits her harder, seemingly tripled in its absence. So tired, but content to lie spent in Delphine’s arms. She doesn’t think she could move if she tried, and why would she?

Even with her eyes closed she’s smiling, Delphine’s soft kiss to her cheek, Delphine’s humming. The press of Delphine’s body over her own, all lulling her to sleep.

Delphine leans in to tease Cosima gently, “Want to know a secret?”

“Yes.” She doesn’t bother opening her eyes, so comfortable. Delphine. A nice bed. An apartment they can be themselves in.

“I still want to be your wife.” Delphine mumbles into her ear, pausing to suck and bite at its lobe. The sentiment she knew from the last two months, but the words themselves were new.

Cosima laughs, unsure of how to respond to this, “You know we can’t have that...” She lets her eyes blink open, regarding her love affectionately.

“We could have a wedding.” Delphine suggests hopefully, “A life together. Une vie à deux quand même.”

“One wedding was enough.” Cosima shakes her head, “Can’t we just like be together? It wouldn’t even be legal, Delphine. I don’t think there’s a point.”

Delphine, Cosima acknowledges grudgingly, would be an absolutely gorgeous bride. But it’s something she hopes she never sees, Delphine is hers. And that’s enough. It should be enough for both of them.

A shadow crosses Delphine’s face as she shifts to cuddle in beside her, “Maybe in another life?” Her words are so hopeful she cannot bear to shoot them down.

“Yeah. Some other life.” Cosima giggles tiredly next to her in bed, “Like those crazy dreams I used to have.” That is what it would have to be. Even with those activists protesting their inability to be with their partners in the hospital… it all comes back to AIDS. She doesn’t want to think about that right now. Wants to be young, and healthy and in love with Delphine.

“No, Cosima, it was me who had the crazy dreams.” Delphine gently runs her fingers along her left cheek, kissing the other. Her voice betrays her fatigue as well, the sun is up but there’s no question in how the two of them will spend the next few hours.

She tilts her head curiously, regarding Delphine, “Maybe it was the both of us?”

“Maybe.” Delphine responds with a yawn, cuddling back in, not even bothering to toss a blanket over the two of them.

Maybe, Cosima theorizes as she drifts off, whatever was between them was weird enough for that. Surely, the universe was big enough for some really weird shit.

**FIN**


	37. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was not going to have an epilogue. It was not part of my original plan, but for those of you hankering for a happier cophine ending, you might enjoy this.
> 
> It's not necessary for the story... but hopefully it leaves you on a happy note.

_November 1999, Montréal, Québec._

Delphine sighs as she sorts through yet another box of pictures. This move had been nearly as hectic as the last, and Cosima would not stand for losing one single photograph from their unfortunately massive collection. More than once she’d tried to convince her wife to part with a box… but Cosima would never agree. ‘It’s our history, Delphine! Our lives. And my art. No.’

She had time to unpack them, and wanted them up before Cosima got home. She looks around, the home is cozy, enough room for them, and yet Cosima was right, it was empty without the pictures. The furniture and necessities were all in, everything could wait until she’d done this. It would make Cosima happy, and that was enough reason to do it now.

Neutral, but comfortable furnishings sit in their new livingroom. Large bookcases that are usually stuffed with a vast amount of books flank the walls. A pile of boxes, filled with the yet unpacked books, litter the room. The box proves uncooperative enough she has to run to the kitchen, quickly searching out a pair of scissors from the drawer before quickly making her way back to the living room. At least this move had been within the same city, just seeking out a bit more space.

She finally manages to rip through the tape on the box, “Ohhh.” She smiles. She’d finally found them. The framed photos for their walls. She sits back on her knees to find that she’s no longer alone. Jonquille pops her furry calico face into the box, and mews disappointedly when Delphine shoos her away, “Pas maintenant, minou.”

She gives the disgruntled cat a quick scratch behind the ears, which seems to appease her, for now. Cajou is still hiding, probably still under their bed upstairs… They’d only moved in last weekend. She’ll have to tempt him out later, Delphine resolves, he can wait.

The first photo makes her grin, she and Cosima during their first year together. Taken by a friend on campus. She lays it on the coffee table for a moment, retrieving the hammer, and quickly taps a nail into the wall enough to hang it above the couch. She cannot stop smiling at the image, Cosima sitting on her lap and beaming in her arms.

“Oh merde, Cosima.” Delphine flips over the next picture, only to find it’s from what she would term the ‘private collection’. “Cheeky.” She grumbles under her breath, this clearly belongs upstairs. In it, she sits naked on the beach, laughing at whatever Cosima had just said to her.

She sorts through a handful more, Cosima had not sorted these with any effective system, she quickly realizes. A bunch of old dig photos in an envelope, mostly of California. But inconsistently other photos show up where they shouldn’t. A shot of their apartment in Boston that they’d had for a year. Another picture of Cosima at the University of Toronto, posing dorkily in an archway. Her annoyance is growing when she turns over the next frame, but she melts instead, Sabrina and Julien on the beach with sandy toes and cheesy grins. Her babies, still round faced, both with brown curls, Julien had been barely toddling after his sister at the time.

California? Delphine thinks to herself. They must have still been in Berkeley then… Or was this an east coast beach? After the move? She puzzles for a moment, before putting the photo aside for the moment. The next photo has her pregnant, happily exposing her belly, outside somewhere. Cosima could not be trusted to organize anything, Delphine lets out a sigh, but at least she plants photographs that she knows will soothe her. Another is more recent, Sabrina and Julien holding kittens in their old apartment on either side of Cosima, both children beaming. The next few photos seem to be from Cosima’s photo shrine to Delphine’s pregnancy and early motherhood. Naked and pregnant. Sabrina as a wet naked newborn on her chest in their home. Nursing Sabrina. Holding Sabrina. In the bath with Sabrina… She sorts through them, selecting the few she loves the best for the photo wall.

It’s unforgettable, from the four months of trying to get pregnant using the small feminist sperm bank in Oakland, to feeling the first little movements and kicks. It had been on Cosima’s insistence that she’d tried first, and it had been incredible. All incredible. All the reading they both had done, feminism and birth and The Continuum Concept. Culture and motherhood, and what do babies truly need? They’d both dived into it happily. Kept their little ones close, and held. Occasionally kicked in the head by a small foot in the middle of the night, and scrambled to find intimacy once a week. Cosima had calmed her panic, when in the middle of not-working for four months, she’d worried she’d be deported, despite having two years left on her visa. She’d toted Sabrina along, tying her to her body, continuing to lecture and write, until she grew too mobile. They’d switched off then, her teaching only a couple classes at first to balance Sabrina’s needs with their financial ones. Allowing Cosima to wrangle Sabrina more of the time, finding it easier to bring her along than Delphine did. Being Maman to her children has been more fulfilling than she’d ever expected, sharing it with Cosima, had been amazing. She’d kept writing though, never giving up the academics completely, even tagged along with Sabrina when Cosima had gone on dig upstate.

She hadn’t cared much when people didn’t get it. Or said cruel things, because they were so happy. And in Berkeley, they were not the only women parenting together that they knew, nor were they the first. They did try to shield the children from it as much as possible, at least when they could. It wasn’t entirely easy, a few school-friends of their children had been forbidden from their home, but Julien and Sabrina were learning to take it in stride, to answer ‘well, I do’ in response to ‘you cannot have two moms’. Eventually, the new neighbours would figure it out… probably. Time would tell.

There are never enough photos of Cosima, Delphine sighs. She’d taken some, a fair amount, especially with the children. A photo of her parents smiling happily with Sabrina and Julien on their laps. Another of Cosima with her ‘in-laws’ in France, who may not have completely understood, but were not going to allow it to damage their relationships. Finally she finds a family photo, taken when they’d first moved to Toronto, for the rare opportunity of two teaching positions. Had it really been that long?

The early years had gone so quickly. From one baby to two, from petitioning for second-parent-adoptions in California, to Boston for a year and a half for a faculty job for her, Cosima had, of course, come with her. Leaving her home state, and everything she knew for a new life on the opposite side of the continent. They’d buckled their little ones into the car and set off, driving cross country with two tiny kids. To Toronto for a year, before finally coming to Montreal, for another professorship and the hope her children’s French would stay strong, that that was where they would have their schooling.

It’s not until she reaches the bottom of the box that she finds it, she had definitely taken this photo. Cosima laying on the bed, sweaty, tired and elated, their newborn son on her chest. From birth, Julien had looked like Cosima, to her absolute delight, and Delphine’s as well. She could still see her wife in his smile and his eyes, his colouring. He was her mini-Cosima, though lately she tries to refrain. What nine year old boy wants to be told he looks like his mother? Though Julien hadn’t seemed to mind yet. Perhaps it was being raised by two women, perhaps it was just his nature, Delphine mused. To him it was no different than people pointing out Sabrina’s distinct resemblance to Delphine. A simple matter of genetics.

Though not understood by everyone, she doubted there was anyone who worked with her at UQAM or McGill who was not aware that she was partnered to a woman. The photos on her desk gave that away. Cosima was never good at flying under the radar either, and she’d still landed a tenure-track job. Delphine laughs at the thought, she’d taken to calling herself a lesbian years ago to save time, referred to Cosima as her wife or her partner when it came up. Neither of them were particularly under the radar, though they didn’t advertise it either. It simply was.

The second box yields more photos of her children growing up, playing and laughing, Cosima had always favoured candid shots. She didn’t want them posed, she wanted to capture them as they were. Finally she finds what she was looking for, fair is fair… Delphine decides, selecting one of her favourites to hang on the wall.

The photos of Cosima pregnant never fail to make her laugh, her tiny love with a large swollen belly and suddenly gigantic breasts. While she’d looked ridiculous near the end, the pregnancy and birth were smooth, to Delphine’s relief. She’d documented it, been as loving and as attentive as she could be with Sabrina running around, still requiring a great deal of their attention at times. She remembers spooning behind Cosima at night, one hand on her belly as often as she could. Watching Sabrina kiss the swell, and touch curiously when there was movement. Her little brother or sister, they’d told her, tried to prepare her as best they could for her ‘mostly-at-home-mommy’ to be suddenly occupied with a new needy baby. As much as she’d resented David, the money Cosima had from her half of the house supplemented their income for years. Permitted them both a sort of freedom to raise their family the way they wanted to.

She’s so enthralled with the photos of her family that she doesn’t hear the click of the door unlocking. Remembering what it was like to have two small children in her lap, or cuddled between she and Cosima at night. Fat little baby feet to play with whenever she wanted. High pitched squeals of laughter and sweet little smiles. Bedtime stories and baths, tuck-ins, the way Cosima looked with their children in her arms, or wrapped to her body. There are pictures spread out all over the coffee table when she looks up in surprise.

“What’s up?” Cosima calls from the hallway, as she slips out of her shoes, hand on the wall to brace herself.

“I was just looking at old pictures.” Delphine admits reluctantly, “I know I should just hang the same ones, but… there are so many.” She’d been lost in it, they really did have too many photographs.

“Of the kids when they were little?” Cosima offers her first theory, as she hangs her jacket. “Ooh, can I join in?”

She bites her lip looking back, “Of you, mon amour.”

“Not the forty-one weeks pregnant photo... I told you, we are never displaying that.” Cosima shudders at the thought, “Buck naked, in early labour and... you made me take it, just so you can look back and laugh at me.”

“Non, you were beautiful. Julien was beautiful...” Delphine sighs happily reminiscing of the first time she’d held her tiny perfect son in her arms, wrapped in a green towel. There was no photo of that, Cosima had been resting, but it was burned into her memory. Sabrina had been intrigued by her baby brother, at only twenty months she’d never remember her life without him. Later, Cosima had snapped a photo of the three of them or maybe the midwife had, Sabrina’s eyes wide and uncertain as she regarded her brother shortly after waking up, Delphine beaming with happiness.

“You have to say that.” Cosima teases, running a hand through her short hair.

“Oh do I?” Delphine tosses her head of her once-again blonde curls - more to hide the grey these days, but Cosima seems to enjoy it.

“Well… if you get to display the 41-weeks-pregnant with Julien picture…”

“In our bedroom!” Delphine interrupts knowingly, “Next to your other motherhood-shrine photos.” She was well aware of where those photos would hang. They were beautiful, certainly, but did not them in clear view of whoever walked in the front door.

“The project was called Mothering.” Cosima interrupts with a sly grin, “Or did you forget I showed these?”

Delphine blushes, “No, I hadn’t forgotten… so what’s the price of displaying that photo?” She remembers that show too, during their last year in California. Cosima trying to make money off her art, rather than separate herself from their two tiny children. She had wrapped Julien to her body and went on taking her pictures, doing her research, as much as she could with Sabrina in tow.

“In the bedroom? Well… the one of you nursing both of them… Can I hang that up?” Cosima smiles genuinely, “I love that one.”

She laughs, shaking her head. It’s a beautiful photo, just not one she wants to display that openly, “In the bedroom.”

“Deal.” Cosima offers her hand in a parody. Of course she was going to let her hang it, it was beautiful. It was of her babies. Their babies.

“So… how was your day?” Delphine offers, standing up, “Do you want tea?”

“It was okay… another day of teaching at McGill. And not really.” Cosima shrugs, “You get the kids’ rooms done?” Maybe not taking Cosima’s hand had been a mistake.

“More or less,” Delphine pauses, looking Cosima up and down, “Are you still grumpy about...” 

“The Belgian dude prof you fawn over.”  Cosima shoots back, she’s teasing, almost.

“I was not fawning. Or flirting. He knows I have a partner. I wear a wedding ring, Cosima.” Delphine rolls her eyes. Not this again. She’d worn the ring since their first Christmas together, they’d each purchased a plain gold band, wedding rings without the wedding.

“But you want him.” Cosima’s annoyed. She should have never told Cosima that Louis was handsome when she had described the new prof who had the office next to hers. It could take weeks, and possible repeat rounds of enthusiastic lovemaking to convince her wife that it was still just her she wanted.

Delphine sighs exasperated, “I like looking at him. That’s it. Nothing more.”  As if any other potential romance could possibly compare to what she had with Cosima, to what they still have together. What does Cosima want her to tell her decade younger coworker? That she has a wife? That she’s been with a woman for the last thirteen years? Louis was not interested in her, not with the pictures of her children and Cosima littering her desk. She was certain he preferred the PhD student, Marie-Ève…the whole department knew of their blossoming romance. The whole notion was ridiculous.

“And speaking in French.” Cosima leans in, and she’s not sure if she’s teasing or not.

“I can speak in French with the kids. Or anyone else around the city. And you understand, your French isn’t terrible.” It’s true, Cosima’s French has improved, she can talk with their children’s teachers, purchase things, and converse with people in French. She’d had to learn, and she’d risen to the occasion.

“You still look at men sometimes.” Cosima shrugs, arms raising, “Can’t blame me for being curious.” The real problem, Delphine knows, is that men tend to look at her.

“Jealous,” Delphine sighs, correcting her partner. Cosima had done this a few months before after she’d made the apparent error in judgement of explaining the mechanics of sex to Sabrina, who had kept asking questions. The simple curious questions of a child who didn’t understand how the whole thing had worked. It had been a reproduction lesson, Delphine had reasoned a child old enough to ask a question was old enough for an answer. More in depth than the queer-friendly egg meets sperm talk their children had had before even starting school. Or the more involved chats they’d had later. But Cosima had been grumpy for days, and Sabrina had been perturbed in the end, by the thought of one of her mothers having sex with a man. Even after reassurance that yes, she and Julien were conceived via artificial insemination, from the same donor, through the Sperm Bank of California.

“Stop being jealous… You know very well no man has had his hands on me since 1985.” Delphine rolls her eyes realizing Cosima’s game, “If that’s what you want, just take off your clothes and lets get on with it before the kids get home.”

“How long do we have?” Cosima smiles again, “It’s not even Saturday!” And like that, she’s lighthearted again. It’s true, Saturday mornings brought unlimited cartoons for their children, and extra time in bed for the two of them.

“Just less than two hours.”  Delphine leans over to glance at the one clock she’d managed to hang up.

“Lots of time.” Cosima assures her wife, grabbing her hand and eagerly leading her up the stairs.

“Were you really jealous?” Delphine asks the back of Cosima’s head, “Or are you just cold?” She teases, winter always seemed to have Cosima trying to work her up more frequently. Or perhaps it was increased opportunity mixed with a good excuse to warm her icy feet against Delphine’s thighs.

 

“A little. But it’s pretty stupid.” Cosima admits reluctantly, as they skip past the kids’ rooms to the master bedroom. A few boxes still litter the floor. Cosima nudges them out of the way with her foot, quickly stripping layers from her body, sweater, undershirt, all hitting the floor carelessly as they move back towards their bed.

Things had changed, subtle differences in their bodies, pale faded stretch marks, slightly wider hips. Motherhood had changed both of them. But so much was still the same though, she still grins to see Cosima naked, laughing and delighted under her.

“It is stupid.” Delphine agrees, ridding Cosima of the last of her garments before pinning her down on the bed.

“Stupider than me saying we should have had a third kid?” Cosima offers, trying to lighten the mood.

“Yes. But that was financial decision… we couldn’t afford a third, if we could have even found a bank near Boston that would service us. And we couldn’t get a second parent adoption in Massachusetts. It wasn’t like San Francisco… Anyways I’m too old now,” Delphine reminds her. There was a time, not too long ago, she too had wanted another small person around, their kids growing larger and more independent. But there was never enough time, with research and digs, and parenting and cross-country moves.

“Yeah I know... when we left Berkeley that was it. And we’re not that old yet...” Cosima crawls naked into her arms and just clings, “Ugh...cold… can we get under the blanket?”

“Aww, t’es frileuse. Do you want me to turn up the thermostat?” Delphine offers, “I can go and do that now?”

“Nope… we are not wasting our precious alone time.” Cosima informs her with a sweet kiss to her mouth before adjusting to huddle together under the blankets. Her fingers absentmindedly stroke Cosima’s cheek, her jaw, an old habit she’s never quite grown out of.

“Bon.”

Cosima teases happily, “Like… I mean it’s cute watching you try to be quiet. Mouthing ‘I love you’ at me on Saturday mornings… but…”

“Well, this is bigger than the apartment… we should have room… the television is downstairs… we’re up here.” Delphine reminds her happily. Buying this house had been a dream of hers the last two years, and finally it had paid off.

 

“Oh... “ Cosima giggles, “I am so happy we bought this place…” It had seemed the right move, with the kids getting bigger, and two cats and finally getting tenure. They’d had the money for a down payment, it was near the right schools, in the right neighbourhood.

“Me too.” She smiles, wondering what has gotten into Cosima, she’s usually all over her by now, “Are you tired, mon amour?”

“I want to hang the photo of Felix and Sabrina.” Cosima announces suddenly, “Sorry… moodkiller.”

“Really? It’s not...too painful?” She doesn’t want to pry into it, even nine years later. She knows the photo her wife is speaking of; a toddler Sabrina plopped into the lap of a too-thin Felix for a photograph. She’d been there when it was taken. Her baby in the arms of someone who was slowly dying, Julien still in utero. Life and death intermingled.

“No… I want to hang it…” Cosima continues, “Like in honour of him, you know?”

She’d never really been a fan of Felix, though he had softened towards her a bit in the end. Realizing that she was the one Cosima wanted to be with, that they made each other happy. That she’d given Cosima much more than she’d taken away. Sabrina, of course, did not remember her Uncle Felix, but she knew about him. Sarah and Kira would talk about him when they visited, now making their home in Toronto near Sarah and Felix’s mother. It wasn’t really far from any of their lives. For Cosima, it never would be.

“Alright. I think that is an excellent idea.” Delphine agrees, leaning in to kiss her wife softly on the shoulder, but suspecting that the mood is broken. Oh well, Delphine thought, there was always later tonight, especially as it gets colder out… So often, what starts as warming up Cosima’s cold feet leads to quick moments of passion.

“You know, place of honour in the photo collage… like right next to the one of you in the bath.” Cosima teases, pulling her in for a kiss.

“Non!” Delphine plays along, though honestly she wouldn’t mind. It was only nudity, but some of their guests may feel differently. Others wouldn’t care, this was Montreal after all.

“Or naked Julien running around outside in Boston… oh I love that shot. Naked baby rampage!” Cosima chuckles, laying a trail of kisses across Delphine’s face, she smiles when their lips meet, clinging and teasing, well practiced in each other.

“Is that really your favourite?” Delphine asks, hands moving downward to clutch at Cosima’s hips, Cosima’s ass under their blankets, maybe they’d get the use out of this hour after all. With time to shower and start dinner before the kids got home.

“No…” Cosima smiles, leaning in to kiss her, intent on working her up, “Mmm… I want you to make noise.”

“I don’t think that will be a problem.” Delphine responds breathlessly, squeaking as she’s rolled unexpectedly to her back, “What photo?” There are so many possibilities, Cosima has taken so many over the years. She might be able to narrow it down to three dozen, maybe, if it was a photo of Sabrina and Julien.

“You don’t know?” Cosima laughs, “The first one I ever took of you. The one that brought us back together.”

“You’re trying to make something up to me,” Delphine mumbles, before tugging Cosima’s face back to her own to kiss. “Or bribe me.”

 

“I wouldn’t say no if you told Louis that your wife is a sex goddess, that no man could ever compare to… Every weekend we get it on, and it rocks your world. And as often as we can if it’s freezing out.” Cosima jokes, playing along, “Oh… she gasps at the insistent touch of Delphine’s hands, “You don’t play fair.”

“Fair?” She bats her eyes, playing along. It’s silly and trivial, maybe exactly what they need right now.

“Not fair… here I was going to fuck your brains out…” Cosima teases again.

“Cosima!” She supposes it doesn’t matter what Cosima says when the kids cannot hear her, but she scolds her anyways.

“What?” Cosima smiles that infuriating, cheeky smile and she melts for her too despite herself, “Don’t you want to…”

“Je t’aime…” She nuzzles her instead, pressing their noses together, breathing in the same air.

“Oh you’re going mushy on me.” Cosima grins, kissing softly, “Is this going to be all ‘I love yous’ and cuddling?”

“Maybe…” Delphine offers, pressing in closer against Cosima’s skin. She intends to tease her, to draw this out, to enjoy this for as long as she can.

“Doesn’t matter, as long as I can hear you…” Cosima moans, “Madame Cormier, I think we have just enough time...”

“Mmmm good, for the next hour… you are all mine.” Delphine announced, “La mienne. Mine. Mine. Mine.” Ma femme, my wife, Delphine thinks contentedly, uncaring about the legalities for the moment. Though, things were changing in the world, they were equal to common-law opposite couples here now, but only since the spring. Maybe someday, she smiled to herself, choosing not to share that particular thought with Cosima.

“Of course I am.” Cosima reassures with a slow kiss, “Yours.”

**

Some time later they reluctantly pull themselves out of bed, shower quickly and start dinner. Cajou reappears, begging for food, with his sister Jonquille watching from the doorway. She feeds the cats, while Cosima starts cooking, finally telling her about her day and perhaps manage to unpack just a little bit more.

Laughter and loud footsteps invade the house again, Sabrina and Julien eager to return, noisily removing their boots and coats, chattering all the while. They’ve been given so many tasks for unpacking, and yet are still happy to arrive home. Delphine smiles to herself, watching Cosima cooking across the kitchen, who raises her eyebrow in her direction, a flash in her eyes, reminiscent of the passion they shared earlier. The thought that maybe they were in winter-mode already delights her, despite the fact that there’s no doubt it will begin with Cosima trying to slide icy cold feet under her later tonight.

Sabrina turns on the radio,and starts singing along and Julien pulls cucumbers from the salad, popping them into his mouth, hugging Cosima around the waist while she teases him. She steps in assigning the kids tasks. Set the table, get your homework started, take over making the salad or go help unpack the books.

All the trappings of a life. Their life.


End file.
